We were both breathless as we parted, leaning back far enough so we could look in each other’s eyes. Kit ran a slow hand over my cheek, "I feel the same about you Claire, I’m falling for you just as hard. I have no idea what will happen next, but all I know is I couldn't stand another day of business as usual with the Senator." She grinned, the dimples finally showing their faces. I couldn't resist upon first sight of the redhead grinning like she was, and leaned forward, kissing the right dimple. Hearing Kit sigh, I closed my eyes and pulled her deeper into my arms, her heart beating as hard as mine was, making me hold her tighter.
Kit held me just as tightly, whispering next to my ear, "At the same time I am afraid I will lose you like I lost him." She suddenly leaned out of my arms, taking a step back, looking deep in my eyes with tears about to fall. "That's why I don't know if I can do this."
Chapter 10
I stepped back, moving further away from Claire, I couldn't resist acting on the tension when she told me how she felt. I couldn't let her think going back to business as usual was what I really wanted. I had to kiss her before her eyes completely shifted from Claire to the Senator.
What a kiss it was, she took my breath away when she returned the kiss. Pressing our bodies so close together she forced a gasp from my body, allowing a soft moan to fall against her lips. The sound of our breaths meshed with her body radiating heat and desire, pushing the intense feeling into every inch of my bare skin that came in contact with hers. It literally made me weak in the knees knowing that it was all because of me.
I had lost myself in Claire and Claire alone for a few moments as the kiss heightened. A bomb could have gone off next to us and I would have not heard it or reacted, but then reality slowly began to fall through the haze of how her lips felt against mine. The fear filling the void left by the passion I had just exacted on the blonde.
I was falling for the woman, but was petrified that mistakes were going to be repeated, my shitty history would be repeated. I ran a hand over my hair, looking anywhere but her, "I am sorry." What I was apologizing for, I didn't know, it just felt like I should apologize. I turned to leave the room; wiping my cheeks cringing at how wet they had become from my tears.
Claire called after me quietly, "I am not the Ambassador. You won't lose me, I promise."
I choked on a nervous laugh, it was obvious she never read the full report on the Montreal incident; she only knew what the rumor mills generated over the last few years and still stuck too. I looked back at Claire, "Neither was he." I closed my eyes as the tears rolled down my face like tiny rivers. I tried wiping them away faster than they were falling before turning back to the door, seeking my exit.
I couldn't do this again.
I felt more for Claire than I did him and it made me panic that history was on the verge of repeating itself. I had to leave this room, her room. I had to get away from the woman and the unrelenting desire to return to her arms and hold her.
The kiss was our first and last kiss, it had to be.
I got an inch away before I felt her hand on my shoulder, "Kit, wait." I could hear the surprise in her voice at what I had just said.
I kept walking until Claire squeezed gently on the edges of the massive bruise that would cover my arm from shoulder to elbow by morning. I flinched and ripped away from her grip. "God dammit." I rubbed at my shoulder, clenching my jaw as I felt around the arm, it had swollen immensely in the last few hours.
I felt Claire move to stand behind me, her hand settling on my elbow, "Kit, are you hurt?"
I shook my head, wanting to leave the room, the last thing I wanted was her fussing over me anymore. Her other hand came up; pushing the sleeve of my shirt up to reveal what my body couldn't hide like spoken lies would try to. I soon felt her fingers draw softly over the growing bruise, "This needs ice."
She dropped her hand from my elbow and brushed past me, rushing down the stairs. I took the chance to leave her room and head straight to mine.
Sitting on the edge of the small coffee table in the open area by the bed, I held my head in my hands. My head was spinning over what I thought had to be done next. The options ran through my head, I could quit the moment Rebecca came home and disappear, or I could suck it up and take the offer Claire had given when I stood shocked watching her pour her heart out to me.
Let the things said and done in her room, stay in that room and never speak of it again.
I laughed lightly, there was no way I could forget her words, the way she looked at me and that kiss. I would never be able to overcome the feelings I had for the blonde Senator now. I was falling for her and it was like falling down a canyon, grasping at handfuls of loose dirt to stop myself.
No one had ever spoken such words to me, not the way Claire laid them out for me. Laying them before me with tear filled eyes, resigning to the fact that her heart was out of her control and there was no reason to fight it anymore.
Sure, I had been told I was loved and unreasonable love was professed my way more than a handful of times, but never did it take my breath away like she did, not even when he told me that first day of our trip to Italy.
I fell to lie on my side on the bed, she was nothing like him. My eyes began to well up as I sighed, folding my arms tightly against my chest, she was so much more.
I didn't hear Claire enter the room, just her soft voice asking me to sit up as she sat on the edge of the bed, gently holding onto my arm to help me up. I wouldn't look at her as she pressed the freezer bag full of ice on my growing bruise, making me flinch at the sting of cold ice on very angry, swollen skin.
Her other hand settled on the middle of my back, making me shiver more than the coolness of the ice.
There was awkward silence filling the room, obvious that neither of us knew what to say.
Claire took a deep breath, looking over at me. I could feel her eyes bore into the side of my head. "Who was he Kit?" The question came out slow and purposeful, void of any accusations or demands of needing to know who was the one that kept me trapped in the past, kept my broken heart locked up in a cage.
I stood from the bed, wanting to break the physical contact I had with the blonde. I walked to the patio doors and stood looking out over the dipping hills. I pressed my hand against the clear glass as my eyes drifted over the trees and the dark clouds starting to roll in with a late evening thunderstorm, chasing away the last beautiful minutes of a perfect sunny day.
I heard Claire shift behind me, the ice clinking together in thick sounds, mixing with the ever infamous slosh of water in a plastic bag. I left my sleeve rolled up; enjoying the goose bumps the room temperature air brought up over my chilled skin.
My eyes settled on a large puffy grey cloud, shooting lightning out of its base in the distance. It was a metaphor for my life, the dark clouds encroaching once again on the small rays of sun I had let in.
I took a slow steadying breath, "He wasn't Ambassador Williams. That is nothing but a rumor I have let be one for the last few years. It was always assumed I was having an affair with the Ambassador because of our close friendship that started the first day I was assigned to his detail. A detail that was just supposed to be a test run to bridge the communication gap between the Secret Service and other foreign protection agencies." I furrowed my brow, watching lighting spiral down to the ground in clusters. "I met Callum on my second day assigned to Robert's detail. Callum was Robert's younger brother and press secretary."
I chewed on the inside of my lip, trying to hold back the wave of nausea that came with thinking about him too much. Nausea of sadness, hurt and ultimate failure on a multitude of levels. Failure to do my job and failure to know when I had lost my heart in the worst way imaginable. "Callum was quieter than his older brother, but equally as charming and handsome. We spent a lot of time together from day one, going over itineraries and schedules, coordinating trips and meetings."
I clenched my jaw, grinding teeth as more memories resurfaced. The way he smelled in the morning o
ver the fresh ink from the first newspaper of the day his brother always wanted with his morning tea. The crooked grin he would throw my way before leaving a room. All little things that once made my heart flutter, but now twisted my stomach into steel wire knots. I ran my fingers over my temple, trying to ease the pressure of an oncoming headache.
"Needless to say, things blossomed between us, quickly. I had thought it was love at first sight. His blue eyes had caught my breath the moment he looked in mine." I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against the glass. Callum was a typical English gentleman, dark black hair and blue eyes the color of the deepest ocean. He had strong royal jawlines and was tall. Tall, dark and handsome were the three best descriptors for him, and I was smitten that first day I met him.
Callum's face would always be burned into my memory, especially that last day I saw him.
I opened my eyes, catching the storm moving closer, "For six months it was everything you could imagine reading in a fairytale. I was in love and falling deeper every day." I rolled my head to look at Claire, "But like most fairy tales, there is always something that throws a wrench in the works. Puts a stain on the perfect ending." I swallowed down the tears and the rise of wanting to run out of the room and away from having to once again explain my past. I was leaving large portions of my relationship with Callum to the secret file I kept deep down inside in me and in a deep dark basement in the Secret Service archives.
I had my fair share of truth telling in the few months after Montreal where my life was ripped apart during the debriefing and the following investigations. I could no longer stomach talking about any of it for longer than a few minutes without falling apart or falling into a bottle of scotch.
Claire was looking at me with sad eyes, whether it was sadness for the story I was half telling or for something else, I couldn't tell. "I let the world think what it wanted because I didn't want to keep telling the truth after a while. I let the truth be sealed up into white envelopes for no one to see for the rest of my life." I cringed, "I thought it was gone and done, sealed away in a dusty basement until you handed it back over to me." I let out a breath, I was still not ready to go over that day in Montreal or what actually took place the hours before I fucked up. As much as I wanted to tell Claire about my life, past and present, I knew when Montreal was revealed to her, she would cast me to the side just like everyone else had. Two people did die that day, but I have suffered a slow death every day since.
If only I had been a few minutes faster, it would have been me and not Robert bleeding out on the street.
I pushed off from the glass, turning to face Claire. "He is not you, I know that. Because I feel so much more for you than I ever did for Callum." I clenched my jaw tighter, feeling my jaw muscles strain, blinking back more tears, "Claire, the last time I gave someone my heart they died. I can't do that again, not for my sake, but for the fact I couldn't bear to lose you because of my mistakes. Mistakes I am afraid I will make again, especially when I have to keep you safe."
I held her eyes for a few minutes, watching the sea green tints around her iris sparkle with the fading light. Callum never looked at me like Claire did, like she was now. I dropped my gaze to the floor, absently placing my hand over my heart. He never made my heart beat like she did either. "That's why I don't think I can do this." it came out a whisper more for me than her.
I heard the bag of melting ice and water move, being set onto the bedside table. I went to look up and was met with Claire's hands pulling at my folded arms, silently asking me to let go of the tight grip I had on my midsection.
"Kit, look at me." Her hand found the edge of my jaw and pushed it up gently so I would look at her. I had to fight from looking away when our eyes met. "I have a million logical reasons why this is a bad idea. My own past mistakes lingering around the corners of my life as well, but just because we both now know where we stand, doesn't mean that tomorrow we wake up and fall into a private little bubble of whatever." Her hand slid up to press against my cheek, "All I know is what my heart is telling me, telling me that the only person I ever want to be around you is me, to let you in and continue to find the strength I do every time I look into your eyes."
Claire brushed some hair from my face, tucking loose strands behind my ear, "I am not Callum, no, I know that. I won't push for you to let me in until you are ready, but don't shut me out Kit, don't give up on whatever this is between us because of the fear you won't be able to keep me safe." Her hands moved to hold my face with both hands, "Because you will keep me safe and I will keep you safe." She reached up tracing a finger over my forehead, "In here." She then moved her hand down to press against my racing heart, "And in here, with everything I have."
When I looked in her blue green eyes, I saw nothing but the purest truth.
The way her heart pounded under my hand would always tell me the truth even when she was doing her best to hide it. The way Kit seemed to involuntarily push up against my hand to encourage more contact between us told me more. I dropped my hand from her before I grabbed her and kissed her again. Something about Kit made me want to act on instincts I had pushed to the side when I stopped chasing Victoria all those years ago. Instincts of pure need and a desire to be so close to someone, that you could not resist from touching them as often as possible. It was a feeling and an idea I sacrificed when I decided to follow the path I was on now.
Kit was staring in my eyes, swallowing hard and I could see the emotions flow across her eyes, she was always in a constant struggle with her emotions, and after hearing about Callum, I understood why. I was also making things far more complicated for her.
I stepped back from Kit as the first roll of thunder hit close to the glass windows, shaking them a bit, the thunder acting as a cue that this moment had come to a head.
I smiled at her, "We both should probably get some rest, its been a full day." I turned, walking to the bag of ice water, "I will get you another bag of ice. Try to keep it on as long as you can stand it. The swelling needs to be reduced or you will have a stiff arm in the morning."
The tension between us was still thick, but again what did you do when you confessed having feelings for your bodyguard and she returned them? Start dating? Propose instant marriage? I was certainly not ready to fall into bed with her even when my libido suggested it would be a really good idea. I only had met the woman less than two weeks ago, yet it felt like I had known and waited a lifetime for her.
I closed my fingers around the chilled plastic bag, letting the cold shock my system back into clear thoughts.
"Leave it Claire, I can get a new one. I need to reheat my noodles anyways." Kit's voice was quiet, riddled with exhaustion. We both had emptied our emotions out like an overflowing sink.
Just then the thick staccato of the rain hitting the window filled the silence we were building, the thunderstorm had arrived literally and metaphorically. I turned and looked out the windows, the wind was blowing the rain sideways with the tree branches bending to the will of the strong gusts. Lightning soon lit up the room where the black clouds had previously darkened it. Kit was also looking at the storm, her arms again folded tight against her chest, she was drifting away into the storm.
I clutched the bag of ice, "The button by your bed will lower the shades, and it will cut most of the lighting out if you want to sleep." The awkwardness in me had returned. Here I was, a feared Senator in the strongest political arena in the world and yet I had no idea how to talk to a girl.
Kit kept her gaze on the storm, shaking her head, "Its fine, storms always seem to calm me down. A good storm makes everything appear clean and new when it's over." Her voice had quieted even more, telling me she wanted to lose herself in thoughts once again.
I nodded, "If you need anything, I will be in my bedroom for the night." I hesitated, hoping she would ask me to stay or change her mind about letting me look at her shoulder, anything to be with her for a few minutes longer.
Kit murmured a thank you, now standin
g closer to the window while the storm raged on.
I quickly returned to my room, dumping the ice water in the sink and tossing the bag in the trash, moving around the room, I cleaned up the rest of the glass and books I had left on the floor. When a heavy roll of thunder and crack of lighting hit the house so hard it felt like lighting had made contact with the roof, it startled me and threatened to shake loose more of the emotions desperate to spill out. I hustled to my bedside table, smashing the shade button to shut out the storm.
I didn't mind rain, lightning or thunder separately, but together in a storm like the one blowing around the house, it mildly terrified me. All because of one summer in Connecticut when I watched a tornado tear through the small town below the hill the family estate sat on, leaving an indelible mark on my psyche. I climbed into the bed the minute the shades shut out the sight and most of the sound of the storm.
I smashed a pillow under me, clutching it as I shivered from the chill in the room. The reality of what had happened between Kit and I, sinking in. Sinking in around my heart that told me that I was in trouble and more far gone for the woman than I knew or wanted to accept
I had never been in love in my life. Yes there had been moments of puppy love, teacher crushes and physical lust. All those I had experienced fully, but love, real true love escaped me by choice.
I pulled the blankets up closer to my chin, thinking back on those moments of love and lust in my life, trying to compare the feelings I felt for Kit to what I had felt for the others. If I was actually falling in love with her or if it was some muddied sexual tension that could eventually be worked out by ignoring each other or having a one night stand. I groaned at my stupid over thinking mind, crushing the pillow over my head.
Redemptio Animae Page 18