I clicked off the last few lights and slowly climbed up the stairs. I was beyond exhausted and my body was telling me it was time to stop, while my heart was telling me it was time to deal with what I had been ignoring the last few days. Something that struck even harder as Kit and I made eye contact as I handed the package off to Davidek.
I missed her. I still loved her. I was still angry and confused about her taking so long to come back to me. I was still a lot of things that would not go away until I actually sat down with her and talked.
Opening the door to the kitchen I let out a slow sigh of relief when I found it to be empty. I could delay it another day, sleep on it and try to organize my thoughts. I shook my head at my consistent need to be organized and controlled just to save my emotions. It was Kit, the woman I fell in love with in a matter of minutes and eagerly handed my heart over to her without a second thought. I had never once been organized or controlled with her, when I was controlled with her, it failed after no more than a minute.
I ran my hands over my hair. There was no one like Kit and never would be another like her. The anger I felt when she died and then reappeared was founded and unfounded at the same time. I only felt like this because she was the only person to ever make me feel such things. I folded my arms across my chest, thinking about how good a long hot shower would do for me, followed by at least twelve hours of sleep.
Then my mind took the route of how good it would feel to crawl into bed with Kit. Snuggle into her warmth like I always did when I was cold and sleep the day away. How good it would feel to wake up with her face pressed against my neck and her arm wrapped possessively around my waist. I closed my eyes tightly as the sensory memories lit my body up in a way that was long forgotten. I had to swallow hard, my heart was definitely much further ahead than my emotions were. It only wanted one simple thing, to be back with Kit and feel complete like it had craved for a year.
I shook my head to no one, deciding sleep was a must, when I passed the living room and noticed the fireplace was smoldering with a dying fire.
Without thinking, I walked into the living room to put the rest of the fire out. As I walked around the couch, I looked down and stopped. Kit was curled up on her side with a blanket half on and half off, sleeping heavily. An open book about Mozart lying next to her.
I stood over her, staring at her. My eyes remapping every angle of her face, the curve of her neck and the way she always tucked her arm under her head in a way that looked painful, when she slept on a couch or in a chair. The way her lips were parted just enough to let her soft breaths fill the silence with light whispers. How her chest rose and fell with the deep breaths one took as they slept peacefully. How could I have ever been angry she came back to me from death? A day or a year, it was all stupid of me to be angry when I should have just stayed in her arms in the snow.
I fought with myself, reaching for the book to close it and set it on the table so she didn't roll over it in the middle sleeping. As my fingers closed the book, she shifted. Allowing my fingers to graze her back, sending tiny funnels of electric shivers through them and all the way to my heart. It was too much for me and I broke, setting the book on the floor, I climbed up onto the large couch. Letting my heart guide my limbs and body, I slid an arm under hers at her waist while I pressed the length of my body against hers. Right as my chin fell to the space above her shoulder, Kit jolted awake, turning around so quickly, I almost fell off the couch. Her strong hands and arms catching me before I hit the edge, our eyes met, inches apart.
She searched mine with a strange pained, hopeful look, "Claire?" Her hands gripping to my sides in a way that told me she wanted to let me go but it was the last thing she wanted to do.
I nodded, saying nothing as I slid my arms back around her waist and laid my head on her chest. I closed my eyes to the sound of her heartbeat, "Just hold me, please, Kit." I heard and felt her take a deep breath in, her arms tightening around me without a second more of hesitation.
I fought off sleep, only wanting to listen to her heartbeat; I shifted my head when something pinched against my ear painfully. Forcing me to lift my head up and look at the small whatever it was around Kit's neck, hanging outside of her sweater. Kit leaned her head back, running a hand over my back, "You okay? You need me to let go? I am still trying to figure out how to fine tune my strength."
I shook my head, opening my mouth to say something when the necklace Kit wore caught my attention. A strange twisted knot of metal with diamonds embedded in the curves. One large oval stone stood prominent out of the sharp angles of a smaller, rectangular one. I reluctantly pulled my hand free from her side to reach up and pick up the object with my fingertips. "What is this? I have never seen anything like it." I continued running my thumb over the rough edges.
Kit leaned back a little more, creating more room between the two of us so she could look down at the necklace with me. I could feel her heartbeat change ever so slightly, signifying she was nervous. "That was a ring." She moved one hand from my back to cover mine and press it against her chest to stop me from fidgeting with it further. She shifted more, sitting up and bringing me with her. "Let's get you to bed, Claire. You need to rest in a bed and not on a lumpy couch against a lumpy me."
I looked in her hazel eyes; Kit smiled and looked away as she untangled herself from me. I went to protest, she shook her head no. Standing up, Kit reached down and scooped me up in her arms like I was nothing. Smiling a little more at the small gasp I let pass my lips as I threw my arms around her neck. I kept looking in her eyes, trying to read why she would suddenly remove herself from something I could tell she craved as much as I did. Kit would just glance at me as she carried me up the stairs, smiling lightly.
In my bedroom, she set me down in the bed, covering me with the blankets before she sat on the edge facing me. There was something off, something not quite wrong but something that wasn't right. I reached for her hand, smiling when she eagerly laced her fingers in mine. I knew the something had to do with me asking about the necklace, I took a deep breath, "Kit, tell me about the necklace. You said it was a ring."
She kept her smile, looking up from our hands to my eyes, "It was." She paused, clearly weighing her words before she spoke, "I found it one day a few months after I woke up. It was tucked in the deep in the dirt, no one would ever spot it if they were looking for it. But I think that day; the sun wanted me to find this.” Kit ran her other hand over the necklace, "Maybe it knew it was what I needed, even though it took me a bit to figure out what this was."
Kit stopped again, shifting on the bed uncomfortably, "The ring as simple, just two diamonds in a band. A symbol of something so simple yet so complicated in my head that it scared me in its original form. Then the extreme heat twisted the metal of the ring, curling around the diamonds in a way that made it look like they were trying to protect them from the inevitable harm of the intense heat."
I moved my eyes from Kit's to the necklace, my own heart beginning to pound at her words. "Kit, where did you find that?"
She dropped her hand from the necklace, looking in my eyes for a solid moment before speaking again, "This was the ring you were going to ask me to marry you with, Claire." Kit hesitated, her eyes turning glassy, "I've worn it every day since I found it, waiting for the day I could say yes."
I dropped my eyes back to the necklace as the tears rammed forth, making my face scrunch up. It was the ring I had bought in Geneva and lost when the cottage burned to the ground. I had forgotten all about it until now. I covered my mouth as the sobs came.
Kit suddenly stood up, trying to pull her hand free from mine. I held tight to her hand and shook my head, "No, I don't want you to go." I forced the words out in between labored breaths, "I don't ever want you to go anywhere but where I am, Kit. Stay." I cut myself off. I was beginning to babble around the tears.
Kit said nothing, only climbing into the bed next to me. Grabbing me gently, wrapping her arms around me at the same time mine fell aro
und her. I closed my eyes and cried deeply into her chest. It wasn't a sad cry, or a happy cry, it was just a cry of release. I was finally releasing everything I held in for a year, freeing myself from the binding chains that came with a broken heart and ignoring the emotions I had needed to feel the moment I lost her. It was all going away with every tear, every sob and love was coming back with every breath in I took encased in the strong, soft arms of the one person would always hold my heart in life and death.
I could finally let my heart heal and let Kit back in it where she belonged.
Chapter 33
Serenity was a word I had never once allowed into my life's dialogue. It had a meaning that was found to be a foreign idea the moment I joined the Secret Service. Too busy to find it, too dedicated to my job, in love too deeply, and lastly too distraught about how my life had taken all the wrong turns so suddenly. All reasons or excuses not to find serenity or accept it as something I could have in my life.
Lying with Claire in her bed, watching her sleep through the early morning light meandering its way in to the room, I could only think of one word to describe this moment.
Serenity.
I looked down at her curled up in the white blankets, her face flush from being in such a deep state of sleep, hair messy from tossing and turning, her hand enveloping my upper arm as if I was Norbert. All of it, was something I stared at the moment the sun gave me enough light to see it all. The times before I shared a bed with her, I was never conscious of the little things, the little things I had missed from being with her or being around her.
I had survived the impossible and was able to begin breaking through to Claire. I knew it was not going to be an overnight thing between us, but it was a start. The hope was still there and building with every day.
After Claire had cried, she passed out in my arms for a handful of minutes. Waking up when Davey slammed the kitchen door upon his return from Claire's errand. Scaring the hell out of the woman, and she woke up startled and confused, pushing away from me before she was able to shake off the haze of sleep. When she did, she smiled delicately, got up and out of the bed to take a shower. I went to return to my bedroom and let her have the bed to herself. I was one foot out of the bed when Claire quietly asked me to wait for her. I smiled my answer to her question, and laid in the bed awkwardly waiting for her and fending off thoughts of the last time we shared a shower.
When she was done, Claire crawled back into the bed silently. Crawled back towards me and shoved my arms out of the way so she could slip in them and lay against me. I smiled at the small display of passive aggressiveness and let the woman smother me any way she desired. And she did, she slept on top of me for most of the night, only shifting to roll to one side or another but always maintaining some sort of physical contact with me. I laid with her listening to and watching her sleep. I rarely slept anymore with my new energy levels and most nights I would stay up reading or watching TV.
I held her when she made her way back to me mid roll or just completely lay on top of my body with hers. I held Claire tightly, feeling her sigh against me between breaths. That's when I thought of serenity and that this is what it had to feel like. Lying in bed with the woman I loved in the perfect silence of darkness and warm blankets. Yes, there was still a lot of turmoil brimming around the edges of today and tomorrow, but lying next to the blonde, I only thought of that one simple word. After everything we had been through, it only made sense to embrace the simple words and simple things before the next moment took it away from us.
Reaching over, I pushed back some of her hair, allowing me a better look at her face in the morning light. My first goal was to get her back to health. Claire was still beautiful, but her face now had harder angles and darker circles that sent ribbons of guilt into my stomach whenever I looked at them too long. I glanced at the clock across the room, it was almost eight in the morning and Claire had successfully managed to sleep almost ten hours. I knew in a matter of minutes Davey would be up puttering in the kitchen, making breakfast and he would soon be up to check on Claire. He had also developed his own strident routine and schedule that revolved around hers.
I leaned back into the pillows, staring at Claire and deciding how to wake her up or sneak out of the bed without disturbing her. I turned my head at the first sound of Davey shuffling in his room a few doors down, smiling at the sound of him yawning and grumbling about how damn cold it was in the house. I went to pull the covers back off me while keeping Claire covered; staring at her to make sure I left her undisturbed while I went to go cut off Davey before he knocked on the door.
"You know in some cultures watching someone while they sleep can be considered a crime?" Claire's voice was raspy and muffled as she spoke against the pillow. Her eyes fluttering open as she shifted her head to look at me.
"I always thought it was just plain creepy." I smiled at her, "Good morning."
She rubbed at her eyes, removing her hand from my arm to push herself to sit next to me, "Good morning. How long did I sleep?" Squinting around the room, Claire moved to lean into me, the side of her head falling to rest on my shoulder.
"Almost ten hours. Davey is up and I think in the next five minutes he will be in here to ask if you want breakfast." I turned to look at her and came face to face with her bright blue green eyes, staring in mine. Her lips were inches from mine and I couldn't stop my eyes from drifting to them. The need and want to kiss her hit me like a freight train. The nervousness I felt from the first time we almost kissed in her Malibu home, struck next and I began to overthink everything. It had been a year since we kissed, a year since we were this close to each other.
I knew we still had a few things to overcome, a few more things to talk about before we moved a little further. Like the ring around my neck and where did we go from here now that I told her yes. Then there was Halston still running wild and free and would be back on our doorstep the second she knew I was alive. Those small things and a million more following in the lines of what do we do next?
I swallowed hard looking from Claire's lips to her eyes, it was like being back in that room, and the same look in her eyes was here now. My heart and body going one direction while my sensibility told me it was up to her. I squeezed my hands in the blankets I had clutched them around to keep from grabbing her and kissing her senseless. It didn't help that she smelled like lilies, and that her skin was a perfect combination of warmth and softness. Or that her cheeks were still a little pink from sleeping and that she just looked like the most beautiful woman in the world, sleepily staring at me thinking about if she wanted to eat the bowl of cereal Davey was surely going to offer her in the next three minutes.
I closed my eyes to make it easier, "Um, I can make us something and bring it back up here if you want to stay in bed..."
Her lips brushing over mine sucked all the words out of my head and took the air with them. "Kit?" She whispered in the small space between us, making my heart lurch at the way her breath was warm against my lips. "Kiss me." It was a simple but firm request and I honored it.
Closing the sliver of space remaining, I found her lips with mine. Sighing as I found that they still fit together and that hers were still so soft. My hand moved to the side of her neck, my thumb falling to the familiar place against her pulse. I pushed against Claire's mouth harder when I felt how fast her heart was beating, pulling a quiet moan from the woman as she pushed back, opening her mouth wider for me when my teeth grazed her upper lip. Her hands moved to tangle in the back of my head and hold me still.
This kiss wasn't like our first or our third, the two most memorable kisses we shared. It was different in the way we both were gentle but so needy. Needy to reconnect and find that in the madness of the last year, we were still the only constants we could rely on.
Our kisses moved from hard and slow to gentle and eager, then back to slow as we both inhaled large gulps of air in between tongues running over lips and hands doing their best to stay above the waist. I coul
d feel the slow fire begin to burn harder for Claire. One that I had to put out the second I got her address in my hand, telling my body to expect to have to wait. Emotionally healing would have to come before ever thinking about anything else. Now, with her pressed against me, brushing her lips over mine in the way she did that always drove me to the brink, I was losing control. I wanted the one thing I had lusted after anytime I let my dreams take over.
But I couldn't. I had to stop.
I bent away from her, leaning my forehead against hers, "Breakfast." It came out in a forced ragged whisper, "You need to eat some breakfast." I swallowed hard, swallowing down the desire to kiss her again.
Claire sighed gently, untangling her hands from my hair, running one down my arm before she introduced more space between us, "I should eat, yes."
I let out a breath at hearing how heavy her voice was, closing my eyes as I rolled away from her warmth and headed towards the edge of the bed to stand up. I could hear Davey two steps away from the bedroom door, I gathered my hair in a ponytail, calling out to him, "We will be down in a minute, I will make pancakes." I smirked when I heard his footsteps stutter and stop. Then him clearing his throat and mumbling an okay, before continuing towards the staircase.
Stretching my arms over my head, I watched Claire get up from the bed and move to the closet. She pulled off the thin shirt she wore to bed, my heart lurching forward at the sight of her bare pale skin, but it quickly fell back down when it was revealed once again how thin Claire had become. Another painful reminder of why I had to contain myself a little longer.
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