by Wab Kinew
“Why did you let them take me away from you?” The lump in Feng’s throat made it difficult for him to speak. “It was so hard without you.”
“We had no choice, Farouq,” his mother said.
“They took us to the prison camp, my boy,” the vision of his father spoke. “The same day, the authorities came to our house and told the rest of the family we’d abandoned you. That’s when they took you away.”
Feng’s mother cried now at the memory, her tears refracting the northern lights in an infinite number of directions. “We never stopped looking for you. We never stopped thinking of you. We never stopped praying for you. We never forgot about you, not even for one minute.”
Finally, the tears fell down Feng’s cheek.
“I know it was hard on you, my son. It was hard on us too. Our only child, taken from us. The two of us imprisoned, neither one of us able to protect you.” Feng’s father shook his head, dispersing some of the green and purple waves around him. He grimaced.
“But why didn’t you just give up? Why didn’t you just tell them what they wanted to hear? You could’ve just said you didn’t believe in Allah. You could’ve just said you’d learn Mandarin. They would’ve let you go and I could’ve come home…” Feng was having more and more difficulty speaking.
“Baby, Farouq. Don’t you think if it were that simple, we would’ve done it?” His mother’s pleading face left Feng feeling anguished. “We would’ve said anything to see you again.”
The northern lights tightened their embrace around Feng, drawing the images of his parents in closer and closer. He lowered his head and gave his heart over to their warmth.
“They tried to take everything away from us. They took our freedom. They took our home. They even took you from us, our only son,” Feng’s father said. “But there is one thing they could never take away from us…”
The aurora loosened its grip and slowly lowered Feng back to reality. His mother spoke.
“We still love you.”
CHAPTER 63
Bugz opened her eyes. For a brief moment, she wondered where she was. She no longer heard whistling. She could only see light. Her heart still ached. Her mind still worried. This can’t be heaven. She blinked hard, attempting to reset her vision. She could see the northern lights cascading around her.
The aurora hugged Bugz, wrapping her in its glowing arms.
“It feels so good to be held by you.” Bugz felt warmth. She felt the grief, anxiety, and heartache leave her body. For a moment, she felt ready to give in. But just as quickly, something returned to her.
Bugz’s mind cleared. She could see only the rope, the tree, and the northern lights dancing around her. Waawaate may have helped her, but she knew she had to go the rest of the way herself. She picked up her carving knife and tore through the looped end of the cedar rope, severing it. Bugz examined the now forked rope in her hand. In an instant, she’d transformed it from a noose to a Sundance rope, from a harbinger of death to a symbol of life.
Bugz held the rope in her hands. She breathed deeply and smelled the fresh, sharp scent of the bark in the air. Bagonegiizhigok. Hole in the cedar. Bugz closed her eyes and spoke to her brother again.
“Thank you, Waawaate.”
CHAPTER 64
Feng broke free from his vision, ran into the clearing, and rushed toward Bugz. He remained so caught in the moment that he didn’t realize Bugz was simply standing there holding one end of a Sundance rope. He thought she still needed his help, that she still needed to be saved.
Feng tripped during his final steps and stumbled toward her. As he reached for her legs, a surprised Bugz lost her balance and fell backward. Though Feng tried to play hero and catch her, they fell awkwardly together and landed in a heap on the ground.
CHAPTER 65
Bugz opened her eyes and saw Feng’s staring back at her. She smiled at him and remained in his arms as she slowly regained her bearings. Her head ached from the fall. Feng’s clumsy diving catch had caught her completely off guard. Yet apart from a few aches and pains, she was mostly okay. She sat up and asked, “What happened?”
“Um.” Feng wiped the tears from his eyes and smiled back at her. “I saved you.” He glanced away.
“It doesn’t feel too good when you save me.” Bugz smiled, rubbing her head. “Besides, I sort of remember saving myself. So what were you doing?” She laughed.
“Well, I tried to save you,” Feng said sheepishly. “But I guess…I was late.”
“Oh god, typical dude. Shows up late to claim the credit.”
“No, no.”
“Listen, bud.” Bugz affected a slight know-it-all tone to tease Feng. “I’m the hero of my own story. I had my own journey, my own moment of self-actualization, fulfilment, whatever, and now I’m about to go kick butt on my own behalf to make my own epic ending. Got it?”
Feng nodded with a smirk. He rubbed his elbow.
Bugz noticed and dropped the sarcastic tone. “Are you okay? Did I hurt you?” She paused for a second to watch Feng try to play the tough guy and shake his head. “Oh god, I did hurt you.” She almost asked if she was too fat for him to catch her, but as she opened her mouth to speak, Bugz stopped herself. She thought of her skin in the ’Verse. She thought of how different she looked right now. Chubby, crying, hair probably a mess. And yet the boy was still here, still trying to hold her.
Bugz wiped her eyes. “I feel completely exposed. I can’t believe you saw all of this.” Bugz looked at the cut she’d given herself. “You must think I’m crazy and messed up and weird.” She felt a drop of blood trickle down her arm. She sniffed. “But you’re still here.”
Feng nodded.
“Why?” Bugz asked.
“Because I wanted to see you again,” Feng said.
Bugz thought of what he’d said to her in the school hallway.
“I wanted to see the real you,” Feng said, apparently recalling the same moment. “I’m sorry for what I said before. Really, really sorry. That’s not how I feel. You’re beautiful. Inside, and out.” He looked away. “That sounds cheesy.” Feng sighed.
Bugz looked him up and down. “It’s like you said: talking to women has never been your strong suit.” She laughed as she told him she was just kidding. “What about you? You look like you’ve been crying too.”
“Nah, I’m good.” Feng rubbed his eyes, self-conscious now. “I was just thinking about my parents. I don’t even know if they’re still alive or not.”
Bugz took his hand.
“But now I feel like I’ve got them right here with me, no matter what.” Feng tapped his chest.
“That’s a good way to think about it.” Bugz stared at the cottonwoods lining the far side of the clearing.
“I’ve never felt the way I do about you about anyone before,” Feng said, studying Bugz.
“I hate what you did to me,” Bugz said, inhaling sharply. “Bringing Clan:LESS to my doorstep.” She exhaled hard, blowing the hair away from her eyes in the process. “What really, really bothers me though is that when I needed you, instead of trying to help…you tried your best to hurt my feelings.” Bugz grew pensive. “You really did hurt me.”
A bird sang.
“But I still care for you,” Bugz said.
“I’m sorry.”
“I know. I’m sorry too.”
Feng studied his sneakers for a second. “For what?”
“I’m sorry for killing you.” Bugz chuckled. Deliberately, she drew in a deep breath.
Bugz pulled her phone from her pocket and launched a window into the ’Verse. Her eyes widened and were lit up by her screen. “Whoa!” Bugz turned her screen toward Feng, revealing the completely illuminated display. According to the AR, the area coursed with energy in the Floraverse. Bugz smiled.
Feng opened his mouth in aw
e. “It’s back!”
Bugz nodded, eyes wide. Feng reached for his phone. He confirmed the return of the energy, lowered his screen and returned his eyes to Bugz. “You think maybe it wasn’t ever a glitch on the map? You think maybe it was just you all along?” he asked. She shook her head.
“It’s Waawaate. I know it.” Bugz moved her character through the nest and respawned into the Spirit World. “I don’t know how he did it, but the nexus is back.” Bugz beamed. She raised her eyebrows and looked to Feng. “Now I can ‘eliminate’ you again anytime I want, right?” Their laughter outmatched her cheap joke and echoed in the hollow spaces across the clearing. Their smiles faded slowly. They sat together in silence for a long time, examining the stones slowly settling into the yellow grass beneath them.
“So what should we do next?” Feng asked. “Should we ride into the Floraverse? Should we launch a crusade against Clan:LESS? Should we take back what’s rightfully yours?” Bugz felt him studying her, the blood still wet on her arm. “Should we go to the hospital?” he asked.
“We could.” Bugz snuggled closer to Feng. “Or we could just stay here…” She inspected the eagle whistle around his neck again. She could feel Feng’s breath. She smelled Axe body spray. “With each other.” Bugz looked at Feng’s lips and slowly raised her eyes to meet his. She felt a supernova exploding in her chest. She leaned closer, their lips about to touch.
Bugz paused. Suddenly, she felt something deeper than desire. A hunger came charging up from the depths and broke its way through to the surface. It was a drive to make things right, to settle unfinished business, to answer the call of destiny. She looked at her phone.
“I can’t turn back now,” Bugz said, as much to herself as to Feng. She raised her phone to her eyes and snapped it into headset mode. She nodded for Feng to follow suit. He did, and together they dove into the Floraverse.
Immersed in the Spirit World again, Feng followed Bugz to a cliff’s edge high atop Castle Rock. A beautiful sunset exploded across the sky behind her. Bugz turned to face Feng, her sleek ’Versona of old replaced now by a figure that looked exactly the way she did in real life—beauty, imperfections, and all. Bugz smiled at Feng. She made the shape of a heart with her two hands. Slowly, she raised her two thumbs to the center of the heart until her hands became an infinity loop.
“This is the real me.” Bugz brushed the hair from her eyes. “And I finally feel good about that.”
Bugz embraced Feng and pulled him in. They kissed. As Feng closed his eyes and lost himself in the moment, Bugz gripped him by the scruff of his neck and threw him over the edge of the cliff. Bugz jumped high into the air, arcing into a perfect swan dive. As she dove down toward the Clan:LESS army, Bugz pulled her guns out and rained fire down on the enemy horde. Feng regained his composure, drew his weapons, and fell in closely behind Bugz as she sped toward the enemies below. A torrent of vines and animals tore down the rock face as Bugz summoned the life forms of the Floraverse to fight at her side once again. Even the rocks shook themselves loose from the bluffs and came roaring down behind her in a symphony of organized chaos.
As she dodged enemy fire and plunged into battle, Bugz wasn’t sure how things would turn out. She didn’t know if she’d win or lose. She didn’t know if she was good enough or not. She didn’t know if she and Feng would last forever.
She didn’t know anything beyond that moment.
Still, for the first time in a long while she felt peace.
I am who I am,
In every world I walk in.
ACKNOWEDGMENTS
Gichi-miigwech, a big thank you, to my beautiful wife, Lisa, for always having my back. To our fun, smart, and good-natured kids, Dominik, Bezh, and Tobasonakwut—I wrote this book for readers the ages you are now and will soon be. I hope you enjoy it. Miigwech also to my sister Shawon, who provided insight into and inspiration for the character Bugz. My mom and late father are always in my heart and mind, as are my sisters Diane, Kiizh, and Pat, as well as all of our extended family.
Ginanaakomininim, many thanks to you folks, the readers who put up with various drafts of this novel and really helped to make it much better, namely Ayat Mneina, Lisa, David Robertson, Waubgeshig Rice, Xiran Jay Zhao, Nahanni Fontaine, Sylvia Davis, Emily Coutts, Mark Rosner, and Tasha Spillett.
Many thanks as well to Lynne Missen and Peter Phillips, who offered so many great notes, thoughtful suggestions, and ideas in conversation as we edited this. Thank you Linda Pruessen as well for your careful eye and helpful suggestions in the copyedit, and to Sarah Howden for the proofread. My deepest gratitude to my great literary agent Jackie Kaiser for paving the way for me to publish this book, and to Michael Levine and everyone at Westwood Creative Artists for your assistance along the way. Thanks also to Jack Leslie for giving me the opportunity to straighten my thoughts out about the story and themes of this novel. Thanks to Jay Soule for the beautiful cover art.
Gichi-miigwech to the late Gregory Younging for writing Elements of Indigenous Style, whose principles we tried to observe in the crafting of this book. Miigwech to Niigaan Sinclair and again to Tasha Spillett for some of the follow-up discussions on those points. Mársi cho to T’áncháy Redvers for the amazing help in compiling the culturally safe resources for youth and for all you’ve done to lead in that space. And of course to Senator Murray Sinclair for everything you’ve done to show the way and for providing the wisdom quoted in the epigraph. I would also like to thank Mehmet Tohti for the important work you do with the Uyghur Rights Advocacy Project.
Many thanks also to all the great people I’ve worked with in the book world to date for helping bring this opportunity about, including Nicole Winstanley, Diane Turbide, Stephen Myers, Evan Munday, Patrick Crean, Tara Mora, Erin Balser, Ann Jansen, Shelagh Rogers, and the Canada Reads panelists and authors, among many others.
To the students at Pelican Falls, as I wrote in the dedication, I first started thinking about this book when I met some of you a few years back and noticed many of you reading YA novels. The young women at Pelican seemed to be reading a lot in particular. I wanted to put something together that you could see yourselves in but also imagine yourselves as becoming more than, if that makes sense. The world is a wonderful place, your communities are powerful, and you can hold your head high with pride in any world you choose to walk in. I hope this book helps you on your journeys as you seek your dreams.
To everyone else—all of us who wonder, worry, or otherwise dream of how things might be if we were a little more perfect—I hope this book helps somehow. Life is awesome and I hope we all live it to the fullest.
On a personal level I am very grateful to have the opportunity to publish my first novel and want to reiterate my thanks to everyone who has helped to make this book happen.
Miigwech!
RESOURCES
CULTURALLY SAFE RESOURCES IN CANADA
We Matter is an Indigenous youth-led movement that has videos, toolkits, and resources for Indigenous youth in all provinces and territories. Find them at wemattercampaign.org.
The Hope for Wellness Help Line is a 24/7 national helpline for Indigenous people who are experiencing distress, dealing with traumas, or just need to talk. Call 1-855-242-3310 or chat online at hopeforwellness.ca. Help is available in French, English, Anishinaabemowin, Cree, and Inuktitut.
Talk 4 Healing is a helpline for Indigenous women and girls in Ontario. Call 1-855-554-HEAL 24/7 or chat online at talk4healing.com for help with crisis, cultural supports, and healing.
KUU-US Crisis Line (BC) is reachable at 1-800-588-8717 and available 24/7. It offers culturally safe supports for times of crisis, dealing with addictions, and addressing intergenerational trauma. The youth line is 1-250-723-2040. Find them online at kuu-uscrisisline.com.
The Nunavut Kamatsiaqtut Helpline is available at 1-800-265-3333 if you just want to talk, are in crisis, or are worried about someo
ne you care about. The service is available in English, French, and Inuktitut. Their website is nunavuthelpline.ca.
LGBT Youth Line is not a crisis line but is a youth-led LGBTQ2S+ resource. Text 1-647-694-4275 or head to youthline.ca to chat online.
Kids Help Phone is available 24/7 across Canada at 1-800-668-6868 or you can text 686868. Their website is kidshelpphone.ca.
CULTURALLY SAFE RESOURCES IN THE UNITED STATES
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 at 1-800-273-8255. They have Indigenous-specific resources at suicidepreventionlifeline.org and are a safe space for LGBTQ2S+ callers.
The Crisis Text Line is also available 24/7. If you’re in crisis, text HOME to 741741 to contact a counselor for free. You can text from the U.S. or Canada, or message them on Facebook. Their website is crisistextline.org.
Teen Line supports teens in crisis, those with mental health needs, or those who just want to talk about problems with someone other than friends and parents. Call 1-800-TLC-TEEN (1-800-852-8336) or text 839863. Find out more on their website at teenlineonline.org.
We R Native is an online resource for Indigenous youth in the U.S. that includes cultural resources, sexuality resources, resources for suicide prevention, and more. Text 9779 to follow them, or go to wernative.org for more info.
TrevorLifeline is a crisis line which helps LGBTQ2S+ youth. Call 1-866-488-7386, text START to 678678, or chat online at thetrevorproject.org.
Strong Hearts Helpline offers support for Indigenous people in the U.S. who’ve experienced gender-based or sexual violence. Call 1-844-762-8483 or chat online at strongheartshelpline.org.