by Keren Or
In spite of having “forgotten” him, the image of Lucas was still in her mind. What Eli didn’t know at the time was that perhaps she would find the strength to struggle with her own thoughts, but to believe, naively, that she would be able to overcome her stubborn feelings? That remained to be seen...
Someone came into her office, startling her. It was Fran, who once again forced her to come back to earth. Eli rushed to meet her and came closer.
“Fran,” she said, closing the door. “I think I’ve found it.”
“Found what?”
“My destiny...
My lost diamond…”
2
About to start
Lucas turned off the alarm clock and stared at the ceiling for a few minutes. Having no other option, he almost dragged himself out of bed, set and ready to start his morning. It was not unusual to have to wake up so early every single day; it was his duty. With no one to help him with his day-to-day life, he had to manage as best he could. A six-year-old boy needed a lot of attention.
Lucas was divorced, but when it came to his son... it was as if he were single. A year earlier he had ended a five-year marriage. And although it isn’t often that a young father with a future ahead of him decides willingly to raise his son, the very idea of leaving the child in the care of his mother had terrified him. For Lucas... it was as clear as day that Andy would come with him. He was not surprised when the mother herself agreed to give him custody without any conflict. Lucas really didn’t expect anything better of her: though they had joined their lives in marriage, she had never shown much interest in the baby and, in fact, had planned her pregnancy only to entrap Lucas in her web.
It had worked out just right for her... For someone as cunning and deceitful as she was, it was the quickest and most comfortable way to escape from a life of poverty and deprivation. Knowing Lucas, she was well aware that he would never leave her pregnant, and that with him she would have the life she had always desired. A simple, comfortable life, where she wouldn’t have to work or lift a finger... Her plan was a real masterpiece.
Upon learning about his imminent fatherhood, Lucas attached his life to the person he believed he loved, but, contrary to what he had imagined, it became his worst nightmare too soon. During those five years, Lucas tried to have a normal family life; but lies, deception and contemptuous treatment... their days are numbered. At last, Lucas awoke from his blindness and untied the knot... which had never really been tied.
To put it mildly, it was not the best time of his life. But, he was determined to go on and to give his son a better future. After giving it some serious thought, he decided to accept a good business opportunity as far away as possible from all his memories.
While the water boiled in the kettle, Lucas went to get Andy out of bed. Over time, going to bed and waking up had turned into a sort of ritual. Every night, Lucas would sit at the foot of Andy’s bed, sing songs and read stories to him until he fell asleep. In the mornings, he would tickle and kiss him to wake him up… waiting for him to open his eyes so that the first thing he would see was a big smile.
Anyone looking at Lucas would see immediately the immense love he felt for his little boy, his endless devotion and, often, his overprotection.
“Hey little fellow... wake up...” Lucas said with unwavering tenderness.
Andy, like most children his age, was not very easy to wake up. Therefore, it usually took Lucas about four or five attempts before he had any luck.
“Andy, please... if you don’t wake up I’ll not have time to play with you...”
With that threat... the boy jumped out of bed. The two of them sat down to breakfast and Lucas used the time to talk.
“Do you like going to school, son?” he asked, ruffling his black hair and trying to ignore how much the boy looked like his mother.
“Yes, but I like being with you more, Daddy,” said the little one.
“Why, Andy?” Don’t you have fun playing with your friends? Let’s see... who’s your best friend?
“You, Daddy! You’re my best friend,” Andy replied.
Although it sounded very sweet and loving, Lucas knew that his son was an extremely dependent child. Everything they had gone through together had made Lucas over-anxious, and this was creating a cotton bubble around the child and leading to an “acute” symbiosis. Andy, who was not a stupid kid, had grown up exploiting that situation, manipulating his dad as he pleased and becoming the typical child with no boundaries.
Lucas was struggling, trying to raise the child on his own, doing the best he knew and could... under the circumstances. If only children came with an instruction manual, everything would be easier, he often thought.
Every day after breakfast, Lucas and Andy would walk the short distance to the school, which was very close to home. Lucas had come on his own to a foreign country; he didn’t have the help of a relative or even a faithful friend, but Lucas had managed to simplify his life and had minimized the challenges by having everything close by. They were always the first to get to the classroom, and there was no way Lucas would have given up that moment in the morning for anything other than playing with his son at the school before leaving him there. Although Andy already handled the language well and showed no problems adapting to his new environment, he needed that quality time with his father... or at least that’s how Lucas saw it, as he played not only the role of father, but also of mother, nanny and even friend. A difficult situation for anyone in his position, yes… but a thousand times better than the hell he had left behind.
After putting together a puzzle and losing a memory game to Andy, Lucas started the gradual goodbye:
“Daddy has to go... it’s late,” he said, starting to tidy up the toys.
“No, Daddy, stay a little longer,” said Andy, opening a book.
“Son, your other little friends are here... Go play with them,” Lucas insisted.
“No, stay!” Andy pleaded.
“If I don’t go now, I’ll be late for work, and if that happens... I’ll be behind and I’ll get back home later... Is that what you want?”
Andy had no choice but to give in then. It also helped that the candy a sympathetic attendant gave him to persuade him to let his father go was too much of a temptation to ignore. After a long, tight hug, Lucas hurried off to work. He didn’t want to take advantage of the company that had opened its doors to him, knowing his situation and being understanding of any absence or tardiness only because they had faith in his skills and competence on the job. Unfortunately... he was not a superhero (though to Andy he was), so that morning, despite all his efforts, he was late for work...
“Good morning, Fluffy,” Lucas said as he entered his office.
Gaby was far from being fat; she was more like a bundle of sticks than anything else. But that was typical of Lucas, who liked teasing her.
“Good morning... You’re late again! You’re going to end up getting fired… You have to be careful with this job. You won’t find something like this anywhere else,” Gaby cautioned.
“I know. You don’t have to tell me.”
“Don’t say it: you stayed to play with Andy...”
“Don’t criticize me, Fluffy, you know the reasons why. I have to see to my son’s welfare.”
“The reasons why... I already know by heart your list of excuses for giving up everything...”
“You’re making fun of me?”
“No, not at all... but I see you’ve forgotten someone else in this whole process. Who’s looking after you, Lucas?” Gaby said, being as honest and direct as only she could be. “Is all that you’ve already done and what you’ve given up not enough? When will you start thinking a little about yourself?” Gaby continued, saying what she thought without thinking about what she was saying.
Realizing that this was going to be a long talk, Lucas sat down. Gaby indeed had be
en carrying a lot bottled up inside; it seemed like the time had come to let it all out...
“You’re raising a six-year-old child all by yourself, without any help,” she continued, holding up her thumb to start counting. “You gave up your dream of having your own company and left your plans written on paper...” She next held up her index finger. “You buried your talent, your desire to form your own band and be a professional musician,” she held up her middle finger, “and yes... don’t tell me, because you needed to work and feed two other people. Of course, in your spare time you still couldn’t spend time on yourself... You had to look after your son while your wife went out with her friends, of course... I mean, watching TV all day while the nanny takes care of the house and the child is exhausting... right? Even when you left her and came here and you didn’t have the time or the strength to take care of someone else, you bought a puppy so that Andy wouldn’t feel lonely. And I could go on and on...” Gaby said, letting out everything she’d been holding back for some time.
Lucas looked at her in astonishment. Yet she still wasn’t finished.
“You never accept when someone invites you to have a beer, go to the movies or anything else. Your guilty conscience about disappointing your son if you don’t get back home early is preventing you from living... And forget about bringing a woman home, for fear of harming him. But you don’t go out to relax or let off steam... all that just so as not to leave your son with a stranger. Isn’t that it?” She continued, “...As I’ve said, I know all your reasons, but what I can’t understand is... how could you turn down the offer they made you! I couldn’t react when you told me, but I kept thinking... A much more prestigious position, a good salary and interesting responsibilities for you... A promotion that anyone would accept without thinking twice, but no, you let opportunities pass just because you’re afraid that Andy will feel that you too have abandoned him. Actually, Lucas, you deserve the ‘Daddy of the Year’ award, but... I’m sorry... I still don’t agree with you.”
A piercing silence left them both feeling speechless and depressed. A noose around his neck was the only thing left to end the agony Lucas felt at that moment.
“Sorry to talk so harshly,” Gaby said after a while, “but you know me too... sometimes I lose control...”
“Fluffy, listen to me for a moment. What would you do if you were in my place?” Lucas asked, distressed.
“I don’t know, but if I’m telling you all this, it’s only because I’m very fond of you. I would love to see you realize your dreams and not let them vanish because of a silly setback you had seven years ago...”
Despite the good beating he took from her that morning, Lucas appreciated and valued talking to Gaby. They had been in the same office for a year, and Lucas considered her a great friend. They spent the days laughing, discussing intellectual, humanitarian or environmental issues or anything else... sharing their most intimate and dreadful perverse experiences openly and without shame. For Lucas, Gaby was someone with whom he could share both his joy and his pain, which made him feel… less alone in the solitary life he had chosen. To be fair, it also wasn’t very hard for him to watch her day after day, especially in summer, dressed in miniskirts and plain and revealing t-shirts. It would never ever have crossed his mind to have something going with her... well, maybe once or twice… but it was never more than a simple thought. He liked her too much as a friend and, in fact... she wasn’t the right woman for him romantically.
As for Gaby, she would never have noticed someone like Lucas; she wasn’t interested in decent, kind men; on the contrary, Gaby was attracted to all the wrong men.
The rest of the day, Lucas was distracted and pensive as he went about his work, for that morning’s conversation caused him to sink into a gloomy state. All his memories, which he usually managed to block and suppress, were released from his unconscious and flooded his memory like a rushing river. It hadn’t been easy to abandon a whole way of life at the age of twenty-nine; leaving a successful and stable job, family and friends; to leave his roots, his culture, his language… in short, leaving a country where he was like a fish in water to come to a totally unknown world and start everything over from scratch.
Lucas felt that his life was now doomed; that his destiny was just that and nothing more.
The Lucas of seven years ago, the optimist, the sensitive and confident person, was no longer there. His feelings had completely destroyed his beliefs. Because, whereas in the past he had believed in a world where everyone has in his hands the power to change his reality, in the present he had lost that power and with it, the illusion of being able to change his world. The last seven years of endless, exhausting struggle had led Lucas to make a conscious but crucial decision: not to get involved with any woman, except for only one night, two at the most. His heart, having been broken, had closed the doors to the possibility that some other woman could put the pieces together and heal his wounds. Lucas was... weary. He had killed every desire to feel the taste of love on his lips again, the warmth of a body in his arms and the sweet pain of an arrow stuck in his heart.
Unaware of the universal forces that had tossed him to that particular place, Lucas thought he was safe... However, the last word was not his.
The final chapter in his book of life, apparently... was not yet written.
In fact, it was quite the opposite...
It was…
About to start…
3
All is fair
Eli was a person of action. At first she appeared shy and frightened, but afterwards her bold, risky side would emerge, and she would be ready to fight for her rights and happiness.
She was not one of those people who waited for things to happen or to be resolved on their own, partly because of impatience and partly because experience had always shown her that by acting... you at least make progress.
The impression she usually created was of someone who was sure of herself, strong and clever while at the same time humble and gentle. Some people could feel intimidated by the power she seemed to have in her hands… however, the majority were attracted precisely by that vital energy flowing from her. This is how Eli managed to get prestigious, sought-after jobs at her young age, as well as to conquer men in her life. And for that very reason, naturally, she found it very difficult to stay far from Lucas or to forget that someday he… and no one else... would be her husband. The circumstances at work also did not favour her attempts to avoid him or to not think about him, especially when they bumped into each other when Lucas decided to turn right instead of left on the way to the kitchen where the coffee machine was, merely meters away from Eli’s office. To maximize the opportunities, she took care to always leave the door open…
Even when she did not hear his voice, Eli sensed his closeness. Recognizing his footsteps or his sweet scent on the other side of the wall awakened a strange energy within her. As the space between their bodies became closer, Eli could feel how the air in her lungs was running out.
From time to time they shared a table at lunchtime, as they had some common friends. There, Lucas always directed the orchestra, with his endless jokes and extraordinary knowledge. At those times... Eli would look at him, enchanted, concealing the spell overcoming her and feeling a slight sweat overpowering her body, making her heart beat faster.
One day, however, for better or for worse, her desire for him... started to hurt.
The worst, if not the best, times... were when there was a project on which they had to work together. It did not happen often, but whenever it did... Lucas would sit next to her, pulling their chairs together, moving closer to her instead of sitting in front of her with the table between them, like a professional most likely would. No, he chose to create physical closeness, a more relaxed and much more intimate atmosphere. Eli would breathe his perfume and welcome the touch of his body, thanking God for the divine experience. With a vacant look on her face,
she tried to concentrate on his words, still… his lips... were much more interesting.
In short, Eli always had him on her mind. Ah! Plus the fact that Gaby, her friend, shared an office with Lucas... did not make things easier either.
Professionally connected, Eli, Fran and Gaby formed a successful work team. Assignments as well as responsibilities were divided between the three of them and that meant getting together and visiting each other frequently, although Eli visited Gaby more than the other way around.
Everything proceeded along the planned paths of pretence, until Eli came to one conclusion: no matter how much she tried to suppress the information she had about her future with him, or decided to forget him, it would not work. Her mind had broken free of the barriers protecting it. The snowball was in full descent and nothing or no one could stop it...
Eli decided to put her trust in her path, in the divine plan and the will of God. Of course... with a little extra help on her side.
However, all of her effort and trust were of no use! The mornings just continued going by, and with each step that Eli took, Lucas moved further away. And so, the onset of frustration, which would last longer than she imagined, showed its first signs. Eli, then, reached out to her friends…
“Gaby, help me... What do I do with him?” Eli asked, almost crying.
“I don’t know what to tell you, Eli. It’s complicated. Lucas doesn’t want anything at all. Just to have a good time, if you know what I mean.”
“But I just want to get to know him better... What’s wrong with that?”
“Eli... that’s exactly what Lucas doesn’t want. You still don’t get it? My friend, he just wants sex. Flings! And the less commitment, the better...”
Fran interrupted, “Gaby, you’re so insensitive! You could say the same thing but in other words... couldn’t you?”