by Evelyn Glass
“A friend? What friend? You never talk about anyone but Lana. Unless it was that Wilder guy you were talking about a few weeks ago.”
I paused, not sure if I should proceed. Red danger lights were going off in front of me.
She could sense my unease, knowing that she landed on it. “Kylie, you have to be smarter that that. You have your whole future ahead of you. You don’t wanna ruin it by getting in bed with someone like that.”
“Mom, it’s not like that.”
She cut me off, not allowing me to defend him. “Kylie, I know I asked you last time, but I need you to answer me again. Is this Wilder guy, is he or is he not your stepbrother?”
“Mom…come on. You know—"
For some reason, she’s angry, as if she can sense I’m dancing around her. “No, Kylie! I don’t know. What I do know is that I got a call from your stepdad telling me Lana called him asking if he knew about this Wilder you were dating. When he asked for a description of him because he was suspicious, she told him it was a tall, brown haired guy a bit older than you with tattoos. It sounds to me like you’re seeing your stepbrother.”
I knew it wasn’t the point, but I had to ask, “He called you?”
“Yes! He called me. He was worried about you so he broke his vow of silence and actually reached out to me. You know the reason why we divorced was because of him? You know why you're so poor, why we struggled to just keep the house together for that long was because of what Wilder did?”
I knew there was a story no one had told me. I remember all the fighting, the closed doors, the empty bed across from my own. I always thought he had run away. Now it seemed like there is more.
I held my breath as she continued, “Will stole hundreds of thousands of dollars from your father and the business. And instead of paying him back, he disappeared. I begged him to call the cops, but he refused. He tracked Will down himself and when he found him, he was in a gutter shooting up heroin with this biker gang.”
“That’s not true. He would never do anything like that.” I knew Wilder had a past, some missing years he kept from me, but I refused to believe this. I refused to believe that he had sunk this low.
“Kylie, if you're seeing him, you need to break it off now. He’s a junkie, a thief, and he's the reason why our family went through so much. If he hadn’t done what he did, your stepdad and I would still be together, happy with money. But he left us with over $400,000 in debt. He’s a selfish punk who doesn’t know—"
“Mom! Stop! I get it.” Tears were welling up in my eyes, blinding me as I walked through the doors of my lecture class. “Listen, I’m heading to class. I’ll call you later.”
She hung up, leaving me to listen to the sound of my phone go silent. I stood in the hall, clutching to my phone as my classmates filed into the classroom. A couple passed me by, holding hands and kissing as they parted ways, each towards a different door. I wanted that to be Wilder and me – two souls leaving one another but always with the intentions that there would be a way back to one another.
But Wilder had betrayed my family, betrayed me. He had caused so much pain and hurt. And even worse, when he had earned my trust and heart, he refused to tell me what he had done. My sadness bubbled to rage as I thought about everything I was put through because of him – all the missed family moments, the empty spots at my graduation ceremony, the mounting bills for my mom’s medical care. He was the reason I was forced to work so hard for no little return.
And at the root of it, he was the reason why I was risking my career, my future, for a few shots of porn that could come back to bite me if I ever wanted to work in a nonprofit or run for office. I was done sacrificing my life, the life I deserved, for him and his mistakes. No matter what my feelings were for him or how they had blossomed – Wilder and I were through.
Chapter 20: Resistance
The flowers in my hand were wilting quickly as I wait for Kylie by the door of the warehouse. It was a cheesy move, I knew that. But she had never had a boyfriend, let alone a person to buy her flowers and expensive dinners. I was almost excited to be her first.
I watched as her taxi pulled up, running to catch the door while she paid the driver. She pulled off her sunglasses as she looked at me. It wasn’t exactly what I expected. Instead of running to my arms, she pushed away from me, ignoring me completely. Something was wrong. Something happened between when she wrote the sweet, funny note along with her panties and now.
Without glancing back, she said, “I need to speak to you now.”
“Can it wait? I got you flowers and a gift. It’s in your dressing room.” I knew I was pandering, but I didn’t know what else to do. I had never really dealt with a girl who was mad at me outside my stepmom.
She continued walking, heading towards the dressing room. A few members of the crew said hello to her, but I didn’t hear if she responded. She flew through the set, not even looking up to see a soft, sweet bedroom scene almost a mirror image to what had happened last night. I thought that she would love that.
I shut the door of her dressing room behind me, placing the flowers down on the vanity and then walking towards her. Her back was facing the far wall, her arms tightly crossed, but I pulled her to face me, yanking her free of whatever was upsetting her. I kissed her lips gently, but she didn’t respond. She waited for me to finish, to get her message before stepping back. I was getting defensive as I asked, “What’s going on? Why are you upset?”
“I need you to answer some questions, and I need you to be honest with me.” She sat down on the chair at the vanity. Her eyes stared holes at the top of my forehead as she struggled to look me in the eyes. There was fear there. I could feel that.
I sat down on the small couch I had brought in for her. My hand grabbed the wrapped box, a new laptop I purchased for her just a few hours ago. It was my way of thanking her for last night. I placed it in my lap as I tried to calmly and coolly answer, “Okay. What do you need to ask me?”
“Were you or, I guess, are you a heroin junkie?”
I didn’t even pause. I wanted to be honest with her. “Yes. I mean, I was. I was for a long time, but doing porn and working for a friend of mine got me sober.” This part of my life was something I didn’t share, especially not with her. I didn’t want her to judge me by my past or what I had or hadn’t done. I wanted her to see me for the person I was today.
She sucked in air as she went for round two, “Okay. Does your dad know about your drug use? Does my mom?”
I honestly wasn’t sure how to answer her. Bringing up our parents was totally out of left field. Still, I gave it to her straight. “Dad found me one night. I was behind this bar I used to work for shooting up with some friends. He had used a private detective to find—”
“And were those friends members of a biker gang? Were you in a biker gang?”
“Kylie, that’s rid—”
“Just answer the fucking questions, Will!” She was getting more and more angry as I revealed everything to her. I didn’t want to go on, but I knew I had to. She wouldn’t listen to me until I was out of the dark.
“I rode with them for awhile. I sold some drugs. I needed the money badly, so I did some things I wasn’t proud of. But I’m not part of that anymore! That’s not who I am or who I want to be. You have got to understand that.”
“Why did you need the money then, Wilder?” I stopped in my tracks. She went from calling me Will to calling me Wilder. Something big was shifting again, this time out of my favor.
My voice slowed as I tried to word my story as best as possible. “When I went to work for Dad, I started using drugs and doing these really dark porn shoots with Daniel. I was messed up, totally and utterly fucked up in the head. One day, I was doing the books when I figured out how to direct the money from dad’s business account to a savings account for me. I took the money, all of it. It was like $400,000. Then, I ran away.”
I looked at her knowing this was a huge shock, but she seemed like she knew ev
erything I was saying before it could come out of my mouth. Still, I pressed on, “I didn’t wanna get caught, so I moved to the city, bought a huge condo with the money and started doing drugs every day and porn to pay for food and stuff. I went through the money quick. When Dad found me, he told me I had to pay him back, but I was broke. I ran away again, this time to the gang. I thought I would do some runs for them and make what I owed back, but it just backfired.”
She stood up, walking towards me. Tears streamed down her red, flushed cheeks. I watched as her hand lifted in an almost slow motion before it came down with a snap against my cheek. “How dare you! You bastard! Do you know what you did to me, to my mom? I spent every day of my life for the past six or seven years paying for your fucking sins.”
I pressed a hand against where she made contact, smoothing out the skin, “Kylie, please. Just listen to me. I’ve been paying my dad back. I thought that money was going to you and your mom.”
“I haven’t seen a dime of it. The last time I spoke to your dad was when he refused to cosign on a student loan for me. He was living in a tiny studio outside some crappy neighborhood. So don’t blame me if I don’t believe a word of what you're saying.”
She walked back towards her bag, grabbing it and the door handle. I leapt to my feet, catching her as she opens it. “Where are you going? You can’t leave.”
“I can leave. It’s like you said…I can stop whenever I want. And I wanna stop now. I want nothing to do with you or your porn business.”
I pushed my back up against the wooden door, listening to it click shut behind me. She stepped away, not wanting to risk touching me. I dropped a bit, my body tired from our argument. I breathed in deeply, searching for an answer, “Kylie, I swear to God, I paid the debt I owed. And not only that, I am supporting him now. I’m getting money to him each and every goddamn week. If it's like you say and your mom or you need support, I promise you, I'll give you every last dime I have if it means keeping you here with me.”
She placed a hand upon her head, running fingers through her temple. “I can’t believe I fell for you. I shouldn’t have. I'm so fucking stupid! When I heard you say you had feelings for me last night, I was even thrilled. But you're just a liar and a manipulator. You wanna throw money and sex at everything, but it solves nothing, you stupid bastard. You’ll still be the reason why I am the way I am. I will never, ever forgive you for that.”
She walked towards me, determined to leave. I held my hands over the doorknob, refusing to let her get a step out. “You can’t leave. The scene is set. I have money in your account for it. It’s binding.”
“Are you kidding me? You really think I would have sex with you?”
“No, I don’t think you would let me touch you right now, but you're forgetting that there are people out there who depend on you to show up to get paid. Look, I’ll give you one hundred percent of the profits from this scene. It’ll make you rich and set you and your mom up for good. Either way, you have to go out there with me.”
She sighed as a small tear trickled down her downcast face. She walked over to the couch and placed her shoes by the coffee table. She reached down and grabbed the hem of the skirt from around her thighs and lifts it over her head, revealing her shivering, shaking body. She looked over her shoulder at me as she quietly said, “This is it, Wilder. This is the last shoot. After we're done, I never wanna see or hear from you again.”
I walked out the door, motioning for the hair and makeup woman to go get her ready. As I got to my own dressing area, I slumped into my chair. Just moments before, I was sitting in this very seat practicing my lines to the mirror, going over the words I wanted to say to her to thank her for being with me last night. She had given me a reason to live, a reason to be more than just some porn star from Vegas. Now, those words seemed cold, lifeless, useless. I couldn’t tell her I wanted to love her, that I wanted an actual relationship with her outside of our business. She had shut that door for good.
My past had finally found me. I wasn’t allowed to run from it anymore. Now, I had one shot, one chance to win her back. With this scene, I was either going to lose her or convince her to stay. I placed my hands upon my knees, pressing deep into the skin as I attempted to center myself. When the air had returned to my body and my mind began to clear, I walked out of the dressing room door and into the bright lights of our set. I was ready.
Chapter 21: Dressing and Undressing
“Marco?” I called for the man creeping eerily behind the light booth. He was laughing heartily with the light designer, totally unaware of me. I called out his name again before he turned to me. “Listen, we’ve got a…shall we say…a change of plans. We’re trashing the scene – it’s just not working. We’re going back to the original idea.”
He looked at me, dumbstruck. I wasn’t one to make last-minute changes, especially something so drastic as to change an entire scene with less than an hour before we were supposed to start shooting. But I didn’t have time for him to settle into the thought. Instead, I grabbed a bullhorn and press a button, making a loud, piercing screech ring out and echo off the cold, grey cement room we had been using as a makeshift soundstage. Twenty curious (and more than a little annoyed) eyes turned my way.
“I need your attention!” I was anxious, my head sweating, and my heart racing. I hoped my crew didn’t pick up on the fact that something was off. The absolute last thing I needed right then was for them to lose any amount of confidence in their director. “Look, everybody, we’re gonna go ahead and change this up a bit. The scene isn’t working as written. No big, but I need to see the prop and set director in my dressing room ASAP – as in, now. Lights and sound, stay put, and I’ll fill you in when we’re ready. Hair, makeup, and costume? You’re with me.”
Three people and Marco, my assistant director, followed me. I heard them whispering behind my back as they tried to make sense of it. Earlier that day, I had walked in the room bursting with energy and enthusiasm. This was going to be the first time I was trying a romance, sensual scene with my partner, Kylie. I wanted to give her a shoot she would never forget, something where we could express that amazing chemistry between us – the same kind of sparks that flew when we made love in our Las Vegas hotel just the night before.
But that had changed completely in almost a blink of an eye. Her mother, my stepmother, finally fessed up and told her about my past. She gave Kylie the background on my meth addiction and how I had stolen a huge amount of money from my father. And while she didn’t know I’ve been paying him back in secret, when I told her about it, she didn’t care. It sounded like another lie, another deception.
The truth was that if I could turn back time, I wouldn’t. Being stuck in the suburbs with two parents who were so totally focused on themselves and their money was one of the worst things in the world for me. The only shining part of my life was Kylie, but I was too sucked in to even see that. And she was my sister, the geeky kid I protected from the boys on the playground. We shared a room together, a life together. But that life wasn’t anything I wanted.
I got out of there. I had to take the hard road, one that led me to the brink of death several times with ODs and gang turf fights, but I survived. And I came out on the other side with money in my hands, a career where I got to screw beautiful women on camera, and a chance to make something more of myself besides what everyone wanted me to be.
When I got a taste of Kylie, the real Kylie minus the stepsister title, I wanted more. It killed me at first to be banging my sister on camera, let alone to take it off-screen, but she drew me back in each and every time. Whatever it was between us was more than just the bond that once united our parents.
But Kylie couldn’t see that now. She wanted out, and I wouldn’t necessarily blame her. Before she knew, I was some golden god. I wasn't only the boy who shielded her for years, taught her things only brothers could, but I was also the guy who guided her through the porn world. I took her porn virginity, and I pushed her sexual tast
es to whole new levels. She was an animal with me, nothing like the shell of the girl she was when she walked on set, barely being able to speak.
Her transformation wasn’t enough, though. Her need for me, my wanting her just couldn’t break through whatever poison her mom implanted in her mind. No matter what I could give her, she promised me this would be the end of our working and sexual relationship. This was our last shoot, our last time on camera together, the last time in bed.
She was adamant, but so was I. I wanted her back, to never let her threat to become a reality. I wanted her to see that I wasn’t the bad guy her mother had made me out to be. I had to redeem for my sins. I had to make her trust me again. She had trusted me when we were at our first porno shoot and she identified me. Instead of running, she let me lead her through. She trusted me when I barged into her dorm room ready to break down the walls of our relationship and make love outside our little working world. She trusted me every time I directed her, regardless of who was on the other side of the camera.