by Sonya Clark
Not only that, if she was going to be alone, then she would be well and truly alone, and answer to no one. Being half alone, in a long distance relationship, might work for a lot of people, but she knew herself well enough to know it wouldn’t work for her. It just wasn’t what she wanted.
And that was the crux of the matter - Daisy wanted a man who could be with her, build a home and a life with her, stability and family. Be there to raise their kids together, instead of being a part time father as well as part time husband. If Wade had another chance at stardom, he wouldn’t be able to give her those things. He’d be gone.
And she’d have to let him go.
Chapter 36
Wade set the basket of zucchini and squash on his parent’s back porch, pulled a beer out of the little cooler he’d brought with him and settled into the chaise lounge to wait for Chris. His brother was finishing up on the riding mower. Their parents had a huge back yard, with plenty of room for a big garden and a large area for the brothers to play growing up. Now part of that was a flower garden tended primarily by their mother. Lori had long since outgrown the old swing set and playhouse but it remained. Each one of the Sheppard boys and many of their cousins and friends had carved their initials somewhere in the weathered pine. Marlene wouldn’t hear of tearing it down.
At first Wade thought that Chris being so diligent to help with the garden and the yard work was nothing more than currying favor, not that he really needed to do that. The youngest Sheppard was the favorite and didn’t even seem to realize it. As the summer wore on and Wade spent some time alongside Chris and their father in the back yard, another picture began to form. Brent Sheppard was not a young man anymore. Their father voiced no complaint but Wade could tell by the way the older man moved that his back ached from stooping over in the garden. He took frequent breaks and usually quit early to let his sons finish up and put any equipment away, especially when the temperature was high. He still did plenty but Chris was definitely taking over bit by bit, making sure things got done but not being flashy or overbearing about it. Wade liked that. He may not have had the warmest relationship with his father but he was glad to see that Chris was helping him, and not making him feel like a lesser man for it.
Chris did a final lap around the perimeter of the yard and drove the mower to the storage shed where all the yard and gardening implements were kept. Wade took another beer out of the cooler and joined his brother.
“Thought you might like this.” Wade held out the bottle.
Chris eyed it dubiously. “What’s up?” He took his work gloves off and slapped them against his legs, blades of grass and chunks of dirt falling to the ground.
Wade stepped on a sarcastic retort. “I just thought you might like a cold beer. We’ve been working pretty hard and it’s hot as hell out.”
Chris took the beer. “I don’t fix speeding tickets.”
There was no safe reply to that so Wade ignored it. “You’re doing a great job helping out Mom and Daddy.”
Chris leaned against the shed wall. “Okay, seriously. What’s up?”
“What do you mean, what’s up? Nothing’s up. I just thought I’d tell you I thought you’re doing a great job here. I don’t need you to fix a ticket and there’s nothing wrong.”
They drank their beer in silence while Wade considered how best to broach the topic he really wanted to discuss with Chris. It was more likely to get him a punch to the gut than a real conversation with his brother, but he wanted to try. He finished his beer and jumped right in. “So what’re you gonna do about Megan?”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
Wade cleared his throat. “It’s pretty obvious that, uh. Well, that you.” He stopped. What had made him think he could have an adult conversation with Chris? This was excruciating.
“That I what?” Chris spit the words out like hard stones, his features lined with anger underneath the sweat and dirt from yard work.
“Look, I know it’s none of my business.”
“Then don’t try to make it your business.”
“You’re my brother and I want you to be happy. That’s all this is about.”
Chris stared at him like he’d sprouted another head. “Did the aliens probe you real good before they bodysnatched you?”
“God damn it, Chris.” Wade slammed his empty beer bottle down on a shelf, rattling an array of small tools stored there. “I’m trying here. I’m really trying. Would it kill you to do the same? Or do you hate me that much?”
Chris shifted his gaze to the shed’s dirt floor. Wade thought he saw embarrassment in his brother’s eyes but he wasn’t sure. All he knew was that he didn’t want to keep fighting with his little brother all the damn time. If they could get to where they only fought half the time, Wade would consider it a victory.
“I don’t hate you,” said Chris.
“Good.” Wade nodded as a surprising relief flooded him. “I’m glad to hear that.”
“If you’ll try, I’ll try.” Chris raised his head and looked Wade in the eyes. For maybe the first time in their adult lives, Wade didn’t see his whiny, momma’s-boy, too-precious baby brother. He saw a man, who looked a little like their daddy and a lot like his own person. “But that doesn’t mean I’m going to talk to you about Megan.”
“Fair enough,” Wade said. “You change your mind, you know where to find me.”
Chris nodded. “You staying for supper?”
“Nah, I gotta go get cleaned up. I’m meeting Daisy for an early dinner. I’m working tonight. She’s got the night off but she’ll be at Rocky Top with Jillian and Megan. Jeff’s taking the kids and Mr. Hollister to the Monster Truck show at the fairgrounds with some other folks.”
Chris made a vague noise and dropped his gaze to the floor again. Wade wanted to push but he didn’t. Sometimes the direct approach wasn’t the best way to make a point. That was okay. If Chris showed up at the bar tonight, Wade a song ready just for him.
***
Daisy leaned over and took the phone out of Megan’s hand. “He’ll be fine with Jeff. Try to relax.”
Megan made a pained face. “I can’t help it.”
“You said yourself that you didn’t want to make him feel like he had to be babysat by his own child. And you need a night out every now and then.” Daisy pushed Megan’s strawberry margarita closer to her. “So put the phone away and enjoy tonight.”
Jillian said, “Any time Jeff takes the kids to something like this without me, he always calls to check in. He’ll let me know about your daddy too.”
Megan said, “I know all of this in my head but I still feel like I’m doing something wrong.”
“Oh, honey, no,” Daisy said. “There’s nothing wrong with taking a few hours for yourself now and then. I mean, yeah, you may not be able to do this very often. That’s why you should when you can.” What she didn’t say was that it wasn’t going to get any easier for the Hollisters. Megan and her dad both needed to take full advantage of his good days, even if they weren’t together. She understood exactly what Megan meant – knowing something in your head and believing it in your heart were two different things.
Wade’s guitar sat in its stand at the back of the tiny stage. Daisy tried to keep her gaze from skipping to it constantly, as if it was the man himself there, but Ronisha had saved them a prime table with a perfect view of the stage. There was no missing that guitar.
Megan took her phone back from Daisy and put it in her purse. “Okay. I can do this.”
“That’s the spirit.” Jillian sipped her drink then turned her attention to Daisy. “So how are you getting along with Marlene?”
Daisy wasn’t sure how to answer that. “She’s a hard one to figure. I don’t think she dislikes me, not exactly, but she’s not what I’d call warm.”
“That’s just Marlene’s way. If she really didn’t like you, believe me, and you and Wade and everyone else would know.”
The conversation ebbed and flowed through
various topics. It had been too long since the three of them were able to get together like this, so they had a lot of catching up to do. Daisy enjoyed herself so much that she almost forgot to worry about the bar. She kept one eye on the dining room and make sure the servers weren’t having any trouble. It was a boisterous Friday night crowd, everyone in a good mood and the beer and steaks plentiful. Josh was hiding in the office but Ronisha was more than capable of handling any problems. Daisy did her best to take her own advice to Megan and relax.
She didn’t see Chris until he took a seat at the bar and waved at their table. Megan gave him a hesitant smile. Chris wouldn’t be able to see it in the low light but sitting right next to her, Daisy could see the color that rose in Megan’s cheeks, the way her pupils dilated and her breath hitched.
If Chris didn’t make a move soon, Daisy was going to lock the two of them in a closet together. Wade would help, she was sure of it.
As if she’d summoned him just by thinking his name, Wade came out of the back and headed right to the stage. He greeted Ronisha and slapped his brother on the back as he passed the bar.
Cheers went up as people noticed his arrival. He made eye contact with Daisy, a tiny smile curving his mouth. She gave him a private smile of her own as Megan and Jillian applauded. With barely an introduction, he started his first set.
The third song in, Daisy realized something. This was only the second time she’d been able to watch him perform while not distracted by work. The benefit show had been more like a regular concert but seeing him play in Rocky Top was a more intimate experience. Wade was much closer to the audience, which made it easier for him to interact with people. He’d loosened up considerably since that first night when he barely spoke at all on stage. Tonight, he talked to people between songs and took requests. Played a few of his new songs, eyes glittering with pleasure at the positive response.
From that first night she’d seen him play, Daisy thought he belonged on stage. Now, he seemed at home in his own skin, and the difference might not be obvious to everyone but it was to her. Wade was happier now than when she’d first met him. That might have been partly because of her, but she preferred to think it was mostly due to Wade himself. The idea of being responsible for someone else’s happiness didn’t appeal to her. But the idea that he’d made peace with himself, with his past, with all the things that had kept him on the road for years – that made her heart swell with pride for him. She knew from experience that fighting with yourself was the hardest battle to win.
Wade brought a Lyle Lovett cover to a close. “I got another new one I want to play for y’all. It’s called By Your Side.”
Megan and Jillian had been talking quietly. Daisy got their attention and said to Megan, “You need to listen to this one, it’s really good.” She wished she could make Chris listen, too.
Wade’s songwriting process fascinated Daisy. Some songs took days or even weeks to finish, going through several drafts before he had a final version he was happy with. Then there were songs like By Your Side that seemed to come in a white hot rush, completed in an hour or two. She’d asked him about that. He said it was easier to write about other people.
By Your Side started off with a playful rhythm meant for dancing. The song’s narrator was a nice guy, a sweet guy, the guy who does a hundred little things for the girl he’s crazy about but never makes an issue of it. He’s the guy who’s okay with being in the background, standing by her side through good times and bad, but always keeping his feelings to himself.
By the second chorus Daisy knew that both Megan and Chris were listening, really listening. Chris had his eyes on the stage while Megan had her eyes on him.
I would capture a star and light your dark nights for you
Hold your hand, fix your car, be your shoulder to cry on
Anything you need
Everything you want
I’ll just stand by your side
I’ll stand by your side
Even if you don’t know I’m there
The song ended, garnering loud approval from the crowd. Wade glanced at his brother, who was now staring at his beer bottle.
Megan sat back in her chair. “He’s never going to make a move, is he?”
“I think maybe he’s scared to,” Daisy said. “He knows better than most what you’re going through right now. What it’s been like for you. If friendship is all you want right now, he’s okay with that.”
“I don’t know what I want.”
“For what it’s worth, Wade and I still don’t know what we want with each other. I think we’re kinda figuring it out together.”
Megan excused herself to go to the ladies room. Daisy and Jillian talked as Wade sang a couple of Dwight Yoakum songs by request. He’d just launched into a George Strait song, The Seashores of Old Mexico, when Daisy spotted Megan returning from the ladies room. As Daisy wondered how she’d learned so many country songs in such a short time, she watched as Megan headed for the bar instead of back to their table. She wedged herself between Chris and the patron next to him.
“Hey.” Daisy grabbed Jillian’s arm and gestured toward the bar.
Jillian grinned. “Oh, hey, yeah.”
Chris had to lean down to hear Megan.
Jillian said, “Text Ronisha, maybe she can tell us what they’re saying.”
Daisy laughed.
Chris snapped to his full height as if stung, staring at Megan with his mouth slightly open.
“Do you think she’s talking dirty to him?” Jillian sipped her drink. “I hope she’s talking dirty to him.”
Megan cocked her head toward the dance floor, smiling. Chris took her hand and they claimed a spot in the crowded space. George Strait numbers always brought the dancers out.
Daisy propped her elbows on the table and her chin in her hands, knowing she must have been wearing a goofy smile. “I feel like I’m watching the best damn Sandra Bullock movie ever, only live and in person. And all because of a song Wade wrote. That is amazing. He is amazing.”
Jillian bumped her shoulder into Daisy’s and mumbled something about a double feature.
Wade went right into another song, not giving anybody time to walk off the dance floor. He nodded at Daisy, jerking his head slightly in the direction of Chris and Megan who were still dancing. Daisy nodded back and gave him a thumb’s up.
By Your Side might just well turn out to be one of her favorites of his new songs.
Chapter 37
Wade had never felt like his stage fright was a burden, in large part because it didn’t last. Once he got on stage and got a few songs into a set, his nerves usually settled and he put on a good show. Even when the nerves were at their worst or didn’t quite settle, he’d always been able to hide it. In the weeks since the benefit concert, when he felt like he’d buried the old Wade and begun to uncover a new one, the stage fright had lessened considerably. It wasn’t that he didn’t care anymore. Quite the opposite, in fact. He just had a different set of expectations for himself now, and it didn’t necessarily involve giving the audience exactly what they wanted at every moment. He still sang to entertain, and always would. But now he felt more confident about singing for himself, too, and performing the songs he wanted to play even at the risk of someone in the audience tuning out briefly. Those different, new songs might reach someone. If they didn’t, it was not such a great loss anymore. He no longer felt that desperate urgency to reach as many people as possible with every song. Maybe he’d somehow become more comfortable with just how personal his songwriting was. Maybe he wasn’t interested in the hustle anymore. Either way, he was fine with not seeking out the spotlight constantly.
For himself. For the songs, now, that was different.
A thousand thoughts swirled in his mind as he took the stage at Rocky Top on Saturday night. Wearing jeans and a casual short sleeve button down shirt, he relaxed on a stool stolen from the bar as he tuned his guitar. The hat was now in the back of a closet. He needed a haircut, his t
hick brown waves threatening to turn into curls. The beard was neatly trimmed and a hit with every woman but his mother, so he was happy to keep it even with the telltale signs of gray in it. He knew he didn’t look quite like the same man who’d started the summer at Rocky Top, and that was fine by him. It felt good to shed the old skin and find something underneath that made him happy.
He started the set with some Gram Parsons, something he did more and more often now. Along with Parsons, he mixed in some Townes Van Zandt, Alejandro Escovedo, and some of the Kris Kristofferson that Daisy liked so much. As he sang Loving Her Was Easier, he allowed himself a private smile at the thought of how perfect the sensual song was for Daisy. Wade was trying to capture that sensuality and the way she leveled him with it in one of his new songs, called Burning the Candles Down. It still wasn’t quite done yet, and he certainly wouldn’t debut it in the bar before she’d had a chance to hear it. He did have another song he was working on that he didn’t mind playing before it was quite finished. After a Guy Clark song, he took a sip from the water bottle on the floor to one side of his stool and spoke to the audience.
“Y’all might have heard I’ve been writing some new songs lately.” That got such a warm response that he felt his cheeks flame with embarrassed pleasure. “I got one I’ve been working on this week and I thought I’d play it for you even though it’s not quite done. It doesn’t have a name yet. I think it’s got potential. Y’all tell me what you think.”
The sound he’d begun to think of as the desert at night flowed from his fingertips and through the guitar. It started out sparse, melancholy, a slow descent into twilight. From there it twisted and turned into a dance that was as much conversation as courtship. No matter the lyrical content, he couldn’t keep the romance out of his new songs. Not that he tried very hard, if at all. This was not the same kind of love song as Burning The Candles Down, but it was filled with love nonetheless.