by Kol Anderson
TABOO
KOL ANDERSON
TABOO
KOL ANDERSON
TREY
JAKE
JAKE
WELDON
JAKE
WELDON
TABOO 2
TREY
JAKE
TREY
JAKE
WELDON
WELDON
JAKE
WELDON
WELDON
TREY
WELDON
WELDON
TREY
WELDON
TABOO 3
TREY
JAKE
TREY
JAKE
JAKE
JAKE
JAKE
TABOO 4
JAKE
WELDON
JAKE
WELDON
TREY
WELDON
TREY
JAKE
TREY
JAKE
TABOO 5
KOL ANDERSON
WELDON
TREY
WELDON
TREY
PRESENT DAY
TREY
TREY
JAKE
TREY
JAKE
TREY
COLTON
TREY
COLTON
TREY
COLTON
JAKE
TWELVE MONTHS LATER
JAKE
TREY
The world is always falling apart.
We look for virtue in chaos, but there are no answers in wrecks. If it wasn’t for Jake’s effortless beauty in the face of all the ugliness, I wouldn’t have taken that detour. I wouldn’t have been enamored by a boy who needed nothing more than to fuck, but with Jake nothing was ever simple. He was one of those people born with a complicated life and it showed in the way he gazed at things that weren’t there, lost in space and time, not just metaphorically. The drugs did most of his thinking for him, whatever it was he was captivated with at any given moment, however temporary—the next hit of coke from his friend’s coffee table, or the pills stashed deep into his pockets that only came out to end up in his bloodstream.
The first time I saw him, it was at one of those parties where everyone fucks everyone else and in the morning, you’re supposed to forget. That sort of thing was never me but it’s surprising how much we’re capable of doing for people we consider friends.
I was at the bar, nursing a glass of bourbon when he nudged me hard enough for me to knock my drink over. He apologized briefly but neither of us could stop staring. He finally broke the trance and climbed the bar counter in one fluid motion. When he looked at me with those unhappy eyes, I felt it in my bones. I wanted to do to him everything that was possible for a man to do to another man. I wanted to be inside him, and I wanted him to be so captivated by me he forgot whatever it was that made his eyes sad, or gave him that cut right above his brow, or the bruise covering most of his left eye—a bruise that I was certain left a darkness deep inside his soul and kept him trapped in a prison none of us could see.
I watched him unload a vial of GHB in a glass of orange juice and every movement was sex. He wasn’t doing anything and he was still seducing me. I watched his Adam’s apple bob as he finished the liquid in mere seconds and I watched some of that liquid fall on his bare chest and I killed the urge to lick it off. “Do you have to get high?”
He looked at me with renewed interest. “Yes.”
His body was flawless.
His hairless chest glistened under the dim lights of the apartment that we were all hanging out in. There must have been a dozen people in there, and the crowd was a bit much for my taste. “You don’t sound like you’re having a lot of fun,” the boy with no shirt said.
“I’m not.”
The response was supposed to make him stop asking more questions, but it didn’t deter him. “Then why’re you here?”
“Because I have to say yes to Zach every dozenth time he asks me to come to one of his events.”
“You’re a friend of Zach?”
“Isn’t everyone?”
“I like Zach.”
“Is it because you like everyone?”
He had a confused look on his face. Maybe I said something that took him by surprise. It wasn’t intentional. I merely wanted to engage him in small talk that wouldn’t lead anywhere. But my brain was screaming the opposite and maybe that part of me wanted this conversation to keep going, at least as long as he found me interesting.
“Jakey!!!” Zach’s loud voice thundered in my ear. Even the music wasn’t loud enough to drown that rumbling bass pitch.
I didn’t even acknowledge Zach, as he went up to Jake and kissed him on the mouth, a full, hard kiss, like they were going to start making out right there but fortunately they stopped. “You know, I can tell by your kissing exactly how many hits you’ve had, Jake.” Zach was making a joke, but I hated that he was touching Jake in all the wrong ways and that they were too close. Jake smiled sheepishly and Zach poked him playfully in the ribs and turned to me. “You should stick with me, Trey. Slut boy here, gets extra slutty after a few hits. Isn’t that right?” Zach, annoying as he was, failed to put the boy at ease and Jake wasn’t enjoying the banter. Zach didn’t notice how the boy flinched at his words, or how he covered a grimace with a well-timed fake-smile. Zach put his arm around the boy, pulled him down from the counter and almost forced him to follow.
I would have broken the glass I held in my hand if it wasn’t for all the hidden reserves of patience I was bringing into use. Jake was still staring at me, I couldn’t help but notice. But he was leaving me and going with Zach, so I had no choice but to stay calm. The boy didn’t owe me anything, I couldn’t have expectations of him, we only just met. But that didn’t change the fact that I hated Zach right now. Honestly, I didn’t get Zach’s allure. Sure, he was hot but so was I, if most of my exes were to be believed, but Zach was flaky and unreliable which was not an attractive trait at thirty-seven. He was careless and it annoyed me that people always seemed to take his shit, because he was cocky and obnoxious and acted like he owned the world. He couldn’t act that way with me, I’d set him straight—I had set him straight a bunch of times, but we’re high school friends and that’s the kind of thing you don’t give up over minor grievances. But even though we grew up in similar households, Zach and I were poles apart. We wouldn’t even be friends if we hadn’t ended up living together as roommates while we were searching for jobs and making a career. Regardless, here we were. I was reduced to pining over that boy while Zach had him under his spell. Or maybe it was the G. But they were closer together now and their bodies were making movements in harmony and I needed to stop this from happening. But I did nothing as I watched them move to one of the empty rooms and closing the door. After that it was a boring hour of listening to incredibly loud music, and watching random people have sex on Zach’s furniture.
I was thinking about leaving when I saw Zach emerge from the room and he looked panicked. I knew because even though Zach wasn’t saying anything, he was terrible at hiding his true emotions. Naturally, the pound of coke on top of the G didn’t help matters. “What is it, Zach?”
He looked at me, eyes wide and distressed. “I didn’t do anything!”
“Okay, you’re not making any sense…”
“That kid, he’s in the bathroom!”
“What did you do, Zach?”
“I just told you I didn’t do anything!”
“Yeah well, paired with that look that’s hardly reassuring!”
“I don’t know what happened…”
I was seriously starting to worry now. �
��Is he okay?”
I was almost afraid to know the answer.
No response from Zach which was not a good sign. I gathered my wits and tried to keep my composure as I walked into the room Zach and Jake had been occupying. I made my way through layers of shed clothing, and hurried to the bathroom where I saw Jake, sitting on the bathroom floor, looking straight ahead. He was sweating hard even though it was cold and rocking back and forth. He didn’t even notice when I sat right in front of him. “Jake?”
He did nothing to indicate he heard what I said so this time I yelled louder. “Jake!”
But the boy continued to stare.
Zach impatiently went up to him and shook him and Jake started to cry. Zach deals worse with people crying than he does with relationships that go beyond two fucks. “Stop that!” I yelled at Zach and tried to get through to Jake once more. “Hey, Jake. It’s okay, buddy. I’m a doctor. I can help.”
“Just fix him, Trey!”
Sometimes I think Zach sees people as dolls, as something made of plastic that need to be ‘fixed’ with a one size fits all solution. “Would you shut up!” I bellowed, hoping for Zach to give up. He did, and stood a few feet away from both of us.
I inched closer to Jake, who had stopped crying but still stared at me in a way that told me he wasn’t able to understand much of what was happening. “Jake, I need you to trust me. Can you do that?”
No nod, and I didn’t know if he understood. So, I grabbed his hand and pulled him toward me, and we both sat on the bathroom floor. I checked him for signs of overdose and he had them all. It wasn’t looking great and Zach must have known. He may not have been a doctor but he had been around enough overdoses to know that this one had come close to becoming fatal. I was afraid it still might, because when I touched his chest, Jake’s heart beat was sluggish. It scared me.
“Can’t you give him something for it?” Zach chimed in.
“There’s no antidote for G, you know that!”
“Hate these kids ODing on me,” Zach said. “There’s always one of them around. They’re good fucks but come on! Why do they have to be so fucking stupid?”
“Well, why don’t you try not bringing lethal doses of illegal substances to kids?”
“Hey, I’m not the one who gave birth to him. Why don’t you take it up with his parents? They sound like parents of the year material.”
“How old is he?”
“He said he’s nineteen.”
“Nineteen?”
“Don’t judge me, I know you want to fuck him just as much as I do!”
I would have said something, when Jake started to retch and Zach left the room entirely and left us alone this time. Some friend. I helped the kid to the bowl and let him hurl until he was done, and then took him back to the room. He looked small in Zach’s enormous bed and I dimmed the lights and got in next to him. He didn’t say a word but put an arm around me and pulled me close.
I let him.
It had been a while since I had slept with someone, literally sleep, in the same bed. He looked peaceful sleeping, even more beautiful than when he was awake, his long lashes fluttered occasionally but he didn’t wake up. It was the first time I realized I had been afraid, that I still was that something might go wrong. And I hate to say this, but something about this whole thing was giving me a weird boner. I shouldn’t have felt that way, there was nothing erotic about someone almost dying, but here I was and I didn’t know why I couldn’t control myself around this kid. I barely knew him!
I fell asleep but woke when Jake stirred and fluttered his eyes open. He looked drowsy but awake and he was staring at me. I remembered he wasn’t wearing any clothes and maybe that’s what made him think we might have done something, but I wanted to correct him. “Nothing happened,” I explained. “I’m a doctor…”
“You saved me,” Jake said, with incredulity in his voice. How was it possible that he looked even more enticing? Maybe because he was vulnerable and that made me want to protect him. He triggered something in me, something primal and instinctual.
“No one ever saves me,” he said. I could tell he was still under the influence of the drugs but at least he was awake and breathing. I wanted to tell him I would save him and protect him for as long as I lived, if he let me. I wanted to tell him a lot of things, but I couldn’t bring myself to say the words, it was too soon. “Are you okay? Can I get you something?”
“I have a secret,” Jake said, and snickered. “Don’t tell Zach or he won’t like me.”
“I won’t tell him.”
He moved his mouth close to my ear and whispered the next words, “I’m a virgin.” Jake clearly found it hilarious because he started to laugh.
“That can’t be true.”
He placed a finger on his lips. “Shush! You can’t tell anyone!”
“You’ve never… you know… done it?”
He nodded a big, fat no.
“I’ve done stuff,” Jake said. “But never… that.”
So, Zach never got around to fucking him?
Was it wrong of me to revel a bit in that information?
What was wrong with me?
Why was I acting so strange?
“Can I tell you another secret?”
I turned to Jake, and he continued. “I don’t really like Zach.”
Okay, now I was officially disturbed. “But you guys were about to fuck.”
“That’s because I have to.”
“Jake, you don’t have to do anything.”
“Then how will I get the G?”
Unbelievable.
Had Zach seriously been taking advantage of the boy, knowing how messed up he was?
The door opened and Zach stepped in, looking like he had composed himself. He came to the bed, from the other end and started touching Jake’s arm. “I want to fuck him,” Zach said. “You want to stay or leave, Trey?”
“You do realize he just had overdose?” I reminded him.
“He’ll be fine,” Zach placed a hand on Jake’s navel and caressed him. “Won’t you, Jake?”
Jake wasn’t saying anything and he wasn’t stopping Zach either. The whole thing was pissing me off. “Trading sex for drugs. When did you become that desperate?”
Zach looked taken aback. “So what, you’re the moral high ground now?”
“Shut up, Zach.”
“I know you, Trey don’t forget. You don’t have a moral high ground. Keep that in mind before you talk shit to me, in my house.”
Zach was right. This was his house, and I had no intention of spending another second in it. I got up and turned on the lights. “Lock the door on your way out,” he said, nuzzling Jake’s neck.
I couldn’t stand it.
I almost made it out the door and stopped. I grabbed Jake’s clothes from the floor and tossed them to him. “Put these on,” I instructed Jake. Both Jake and Zach looked at me, clueless. “Do it, Jake!”
Jake put on the underwear and the jeans. Still no shirt. But there was no time to figure out if he had ever been wearing one.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Zach barked.
“Get a fucking clue, Zach. The boy doesn’t want to fuck you.”
“You don’t know that!”
I had no intention of getting into arguments and endless explanations so I grabbed Jake’s hand and led him downstairs to the parking lot and we got into my Mercedes. Jake looked confused. “What do you want from me?”
It was my turn to stare blankly at him. “I thought you didn’t like him.”
He stayed silent until I forced him to speak. “Jake?”
“Zach’s a lot better than some of the other weirdos I get the stuff from.”
“Are you seriously not afraid of dying?”
He went quiet.
There was so much that silence said to me, but I needed words. “What’re you running away from, Jake?”
He ignored me. “I’m tired.”
I exhaled. “Fine, I’ll drop you ho
me. Where do you live?”
“I can’t go home.”
“Taking you to my place might not be such a good idea…”
“Please.”
How could I possibly say no? He wasn’t letting on what the real issue was but I was guessing it had something to do with those bruises. It made me concerned, wondering what the story was behind that. Maybe he got into a fight with an angry boyfriend and didn’t want to go back. Whatever it was I hoped it would be something he could open up to me about.
“You can ask me,” he said when we started driving to my place.
“What do you mean?”
“Where I got the bruises.”
I paused, and braced myself for the response but I wasn’t sure how well I was going to take an angry boyfriend being the cause of this. “Where did you get them?”
He looked out the window at the few cars driving by in the dark outside. “My Dad tends to do that occasionally, just to remind me of the hold he has on me.”
I was barely ready to accept a boyfriend; the mention of a father completely threw me off. I asked the obvious question. “You still live with your Dad?”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
“Long story.”
“Meaning you can’t confide in me?”
“It’s not like that. I just don’t want to talk about this right now.”
I guess I could understand that reasoning. I had no intention of making him uncomfortable. He was already going through a lot. I wanted to do anything to help. Making it worse by pushing him to confront his demons didn’t sound like a good idea. I could wait until he was ready.
All the while we drove, he stayed quiet but it was never awkward. We were both overwhelmed and wanted to give the other person space. Not to mention we were both exhausted. He was more messed up than me. Part of me was happy I was taking him home. Not because I wanted something sexual to happen but because I liked spending time with him. It made me feel close in an odd way. I liked that feeling. It was new to me. But at the same time, I was concerned. After what he just told me about his Dad, I wasn’t exactly sure how to deal with that information. I just knew that no matter what, I had to help him. Even if he didn’t want it, I wasn’t going to let him go through that kind of torture.
We parked the car in the lot and took the elevator to my floor. There was hardly anyone around, and that was a good thing. I wasn’t in the mood to be polite.