by Kol Anderson
It would stop when he wanted it to stop.
It would end when he wanted it to end.
I had to acquire the art of waiting.
I had learned that sometimes, all I could do was go somewhere, in my mind, somewhere far away from this place and this prison. Sometimes it worked. Other times, I just kept reminding myself over and over that eventually it would end. Even if it ended with me, it would still end.
Sometimes the pain made me numb, other times I felt every single thing.
Each time it happened, a part of me died.
And I told myself it was okay. That everything died sooner or later.
For Weldon I was the equivalent of a ragdoll. I’d just lie there with my slack limbs and wait. I would wait to have some control of my body.
He would bend and twist me in ways that made me fear for my life but I quickly learned that ragdolls can’t afford to have fears.
Sometimes he pushed me aside when it was over and other times he would remind me that I was his little bitch.
That day, he pushed me aside.
I didn’t have the strength to get up and wash him off me so I just stayed where I was because it caused the least amount of pain. I pulled up my shorts and hoped that exhaustion would take over.
But when it did I had nightmares.
JAKE
"Get up." Someone kept trying to wake me but I couldn't get my eyes to open long enough to see their face.
"Go away!" I tried to push them off.
"Jake?" I heard Trey's concerned voice. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and made out two forms. One belonged to Trey and the other belonged to Mace. Mace, who knew everything. Who’d been watching every debasement, and knew the story of every wound and every scar. Did he know Weldon raped me last night?
My voice was hoarse. “What’s wrong?”
“Do you have a death wish?” Mace inquired.
“I don’t understand.”
“No, you don’t Jake. You don’t know the meaning of stop making things worse.”
“I didn’t do anything.”
Mace gestured to Trey. “Exhibit A.”
I looked at Trey and he was carrying bottles of medicine. “I just came to give you this,” he said, coming over to me and sitting down next to me on the bed. “How’re you feeling?”
I wanted to tell him. I wanted to ask him why he’d left me alone last night. No matter how much I’d insisted he leave, I didn’t really want him gone.
“I went to get your medicine,” Trey said, handing me the pills and some water. “But when I was coming back, I saw him. I didn’t think it would be a good idea to be around while he was here.”
For some reason, I felt a stab of pain when he uttered those words. I silently downed the pills and handed the glass back to him. “It’s fine. It’s good that you didn’t come back,” I paused and glanced at Mace. “In fact, I don’t think you should be coming here anymore, Trey.”
“Listen to the kid, he’s being smart for once.”
But Trey ignored Mace. “You’re not going to listen to him, are you?”
“I saw the two of you making out last night,” Mace said. “If I saw, anyone else could see. Don’t you fucking get it?” Mace turned his attention to Trey. “He’s a stupid, messed up kid, but you’re not! You’re supposed to be smart, you got a medical degree for fuck sake! And yet you were acting like a bunch of horny teenagers. Well, technically he’s still a horny teenager but what’s your excuse?”
“Fuck you,” Trey said. Mace wasn’t reacting the way he was supposed to but was being rather patient. “Careful, Doc.” There was threat in that voice but at least he hadn’t acted on it.
“Trey, he’s just trying to help,” I said.
Trey glared at Mace. “I’m not buying it.”
“You should leave now,” I said, without hesitating for a moment. Trey couldn’t believe what I was saying. He seemed surprised. “You’re weak,” I wanted to say, but I didn’t. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered.
“Jake…”
“Please. I just want to be alone right now.”
I didn’t wait to see what Trey thought of that and turned away from him. When I finally heard the door close, I turned to look at it.
“Not everyone’s a savior,” Mace said.
He was right.
I needed to stop living in fantasy.
Weldon was the only reality that mattered. That and the pain were the only truths. “Mace, will you please do me a favor?”
“I’ll try.”
“Don’t let him come back here.”
“Sure. I can have someone pick up your meds. You won’t have to see him if you don’t want.”
“I don’t.”
Mace was gone.
All that was left in the room was me and the silence. I kept thinking of all that had happened, not just yesterday or last night, not just in Weldon’s dungeon, but everything that happened before it, with Dad and Colton and my Mom. All the times my father beat us up and all the times my mother tried to save us, and failed. All the times I tried to save my brother and failed. All the times my father tried to sell off my services to people who I hated. All the times I couldn’t do anything about it. My brain kept going in this vein and made it impossible for me to go back to sleep.
I couldn’t leave.
I was trapped.
Inside this room and inside my brain.
The only way to be free would be to die.
TABOO 4
JAKE
My eyes hovered over the knife on the table.
It wasn’t my intention but Weldon noticed. I guess I was too exhausted to hide my reaction. I knew he wouldn’t let me do anything and I was kidding myself with deluded escape fantasies.
“Thinking about using that, Jake?”
I could feel him getting all smug but I was too tired to even respond. The food on my plate remained untouched. After an hour of staring at it, I still didn’t know what it was because my brain was unable to process information and most of the time I was numb and lacking focus.
“Not hungry,” Weldon said. “That’s fine. You’re bound to need food at some point and you’ll stop trying to piss me off eventually.”
What Weldon didn’t know was that this wasn’t some useless ploy to get a reaction out of him, I just couldn’t stand the sight of food. But I didn’t bother explaining because that was another thing I didn’t have strength for.
Weldon placed something on top of my plate, so I was forced to look at it. Just trying to figure out what the words said on that piece of paper sticking out of a plastic folder was too much for my brain to handle.
“You lied to me, Jake.”
Those words were enough to instill the darkest fear in me but the sight of the document with Colton’s name on it, filled me with dread and I panicked. The burst of adrenaline that came next made me reach for the knife, but before I could think about stabbing Weldon, Mace grabbed me from behind and twisted my arm until the knife fell from my hand and then he pushed my face into the table.
“Thank you, Mace,” Weldon said and just sat there, all smug and grinning while I struggled with Mace’s harsh grasp.
“Please...” I begged.
Weldon seemed to be having fun watching me.
“Please, Weldon. I’ll do anything… let my brother go! I’m begging you!”
“Why did you deceive me, Jake?” Weldon raised his voice. “You and that piece of shit father of yours! You both lied to me! So why the fuck should I listen to anything you have to say?”
His anger disturbed me. I’d never realized what fear was until I started thinking about all the things he could do to my brother and for some reason everything he’d done to me, all those memories came rushing back. Just the thought of him screwing up Colton made my chest ache. Mace stopped forcing my head into the table and pulled me up. “It won’t happen again,” I said, and Weldon listened but his eyes possessed the same anger I’d seen so many times, every time he’d trie
d to hurt me like never before. Every time he thought of new ways to torture me and now he wanted my brother to become part of the same fucked up world.
Weldon seemed like he didn’t care what I was saying. “You lied about Colton, that he’s underage when he turned eighteen months ago!”
“Does that make it okay?” Even I heard the bite in my voice but I couldn’t seem to stop.
“Age is just a number, right?” Weldon said. “I don’t give a shit how old he is, I’ll fuck him up if I want to. But that’s not the point. The point is you lied!”
Yes, I lied to save my brother from these people, why was I being made to feel bad about something so obvious? This guy’s head must have been truly warped. “I’m sorry...”
Weldon ran his fingers over my face. “I ruined you,” he said. “And now I’m going to do the same to him. Your brother belongs to me now.”
“No!” I tried to get free but Mace wouldn’t let me. “Please don’t hurt him.”
“As of this moment, your brother is waiting to be used by people who are worse than me,” Weldon said. “I’m going to have some fun with him before I’m done fucking him up.”
I wavered between anger and fear, constantly wanting to murder him and trying to appease him but it did nothing. Weldon left and Mace let go of me. “How can you let this happen?” I let out my frustration at Mace.
“Because I’m too old to get ass fucked by Weldon’s baseball,” Mace said.
“It’s all a big joke to you, isn’t it?”
“Stop crying,” Mace said. “There’s no point.”
“Please don’t hurt him...!”
“Now you’re just being delusional.”
“I know you like me,” I was going mad, willing to do anything that might put a stop to what was about to happen. I kneeled in front of Mace and started unbuttoning his pants but Mace stopped me. When I didn’t listen, he hit me, a hard slap across my face that sent me reeling to the floor.
“I’m leaving now,” he said. “We can talk when you’ve come to your senses.”
I was certain I was about to die from the heartache. But as much as I wanted it I knew I’d never be that lucky. Despite warning me, Mace hadn’t left. I was so desperate I tried to reach for that knife, but of course Mace was gripping my arm again before I could even touch that thing. “What do you need that for, huh?” he snapped at me. “Are you going to kill me? Have you ever stabbed someone? It’s not that easy.”
“I wasn’t going to use it on you,” I screamed.
“So, what you’re going to kill yourself? Is that it? And what happens to your brother, have you thought about that you selfish prick! Don’t you know they’re going to make him pay for it?”
That shut me up.
“Listen to me, Jake. We can’t always save the people we love.”
“Everything he did to me,” I cried. “You know!”
“Yes. No one saved you. And you’re still alive.”
“You call this alive?”
“You haven’t seen dead, Jake.”
I looked up. There was a story there that he was keeping from me. I didn’t know if it was a threat or just some humanity spilling through the cracks. “Let me save him.”
“Stop it, Jake.”
“Please…”
“Fuck sake, get back in bed.”
“No!”
Mace grabbed me this time and hauled me right over his shoulder no matter how much I fought against it, but he wanted to make sure I wouldn’t be able to do anything I wasn’t allowed to do. He rudely dropped me on the bed and cuffed me to the headboard.
I couldn’t stop crying.
I couldn’t stop thinking about all the things that might be happening to Colton, all the things that could go wrong. He needed me and I wasn’t there for him. None of my promises, nothing meant anything. It would all be useless. “He’s not like me, Mace. He won’t survive this!”
Mace ran a hand over his head. “I wasn’t going to do this, but you leave me no choice.” He walked over to the table where he had placed a small black box earlier. He reached into that box now and I saw the syringe he started loading up. “What is that?”
He came over and brought the syringe. “Just something to help you relax. It’s going to put you to sleep until…” even a guy like Mace didn’t have the nerve to finish that sentence.
“No, please don’t put me to sleep!” I started to beg him again. “Please, Mace!”
But that needle was already piercing my vein. “You’re just a kid,” Mace said. “There’s nothing you can do. You can’t save anyone.”
His words were the last thing I heard before my head started to swim.
WELDON
Colton was still groggy when I went to his room and looked like he’d just woken up. But thanks to Trey the constant stupor had become routine. I could tell Colton wasn’t disliking the high anymore, and he wasn’t fighting it. Both positive outcomes. I grabbed the chair next to the bed and sat on it and he stared at me with that clueless look on his face that his brother always had when something was happening out of place. “I know you need answers.”
Jake would have had a defensive response waiting but Colton stayed silent and attentive. They truly were different. “The thing is,” I continued. “You could analyze this situation and think about what you could have done to avoid it and you could curse your father and me all your life but you still won’t get anywhere.”
The look on his face didn’t change. He was still trying to figure out where I was going with this. “Your brother still fights me every chance he gets,” I told him. “It’s wishful thinking, Colton. Jake still thinks that doctor guy is his ally! But you saw a glimpse of what Trey is the other day, right? You know that’s not true. He’s no savior! There’s a reason he’s been with me all these years.”
He shifted on the tiny bed and started fidgeting. “Stop that.”
He did.
“Come here,” I said. He didn’t hesitate for more than a few seconds. I grabbed his forearms when he was near me and pulled him closer. He looked confused and stood there shyly trying to hide the blush that covered his face. I stood and the distance between us lessened but he was staring at the floor and not looking at me. That’s when I felt that slight shiver, and he tried to pull away just a little but my hands held him steady and in place. “Has anyone told you how beautiful you are?”
He continued to look away.
I pulled him close and forced him to look up. “Are you feeling something you shouldn’t be feeling, Colton?”
That caused him to blush harder. “N…no.”
I wanted to grin but I remained serious. “Okay.”
I dropped to my knees and unbuttoned his pants. “One of the major side effects of the drugs,” I said. “Is that they make you horny.”
I unzipped him and sure enough, he had a boner that looked like it must hurt. “At your age,” I continued. “With all those hormones and being unable to find release all this time, I can’t imagine how painful that must be.”
He gasped when my fingers touched him and gripped my shoulders to steady himself. I was willing to bet he didn’t have a clue what a blow job was besides seeing it in whatever porn he was accustomed to watching. I knew I was right about that particular assessment when I heard an actual cry from him the second my tongue touched his cock and the grip of his fingers on my shoulders tightened. That just spurred me on and I started sucking him off with everything I had, and within moments I had him shooting his load in my mouth. When that happened, he got all apologetic. “I’m sorry!” he said, and started to cry. I stood and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand.
I realized that crying couldn’t just be apology. The whole incident had messed him up, either because he was straight or because he was devastated by his own lack of impulse control. “No one’s judging you, Colton. You shouldn’t have to feel bad about whatever you felt just now.”
“What is wrong with me?”
“There’s
nothing wrong with you. You’re perfect.”
“Will you let me see Jake?”
“In time. Sure.”
I grabbed his chin and lifted his face up to mine. I let him wait for a long time before I actually kissed him. When I did, it was awkward. He wasn’t into it but trying not to displease me I suppose, so he didn’t push me away. But after several minutes of coaxing him, he finally started getting into it. I could feel his resistance melting away and his response went from being indifferent to actual warmth.
“Have you ever kissed a guy before?”
Colton shook his head no.
“It takes some getting used to,” I said. “But there’s nothing quite like it.”
He didn’t say a word. Not some pointless claim for being straight and nothing about how he despised it. His submissive nature was starting to grow on me. I had a lot in store for him. There were things that would change him forever and I wanted to show him what he was capable of and how much potential he had to be special.
Just like his brother.
I ran my hand across his shoulder all the way down to the back of his palm. I grasped his shaking fingers and brought them up to my face. “You know why everyone fears me, Colton?” I took two of his fingers, the index and the middle one, and gently pushed them back. He squirmed when I started to increase the pressure. The tension showed on his face when I threatened to break it. “Everyone fears me because I’m dangerous. It’s not rocket science.”
He looked frightened but I kept going. “We all need fear,” I told him gently. “The lamb needs to fear the slaughter and the master needs to take pleasure in that fear so they can both get something out of the kill.”
“I… I don’t understand…”
“The only true freedom is in the hands of a master,” I said. “In a fucked up world, the only way to be free is when you’re chained up and when the ability to make decisions has been taken away from you, Colton.”
He screamed when I twisted his fingers to cause pain. “The decision of whether your fingers get broken rest with me and no one else,” I said. “How does that make you feel?”