“Everything’s fine, Josh.”
Before I reached the Land Rover, Justin was behind me, his palm grabbing my arm and forcing me to face him. I strained, trying my best to get away from him, but losing out to his strength.
“Don’t,” I whispered, my chest filled with thoughts of better times. Naked. His body connected with mine. His lips against my neck. My fingers digging into his perfect ass.
“Hartley, stop goddammit!”
I dug my fingers into his arm, sobbing hysterically before I realized he was bleeding from the impact of my nails in his bare skin. I pulled my hand back.
“Stop fucking fighting me!” he hissed.
That was the end of the line. I lifted a hand and slapped the right side of his face.
“Better now?” he asked, entirely ignoring the sting from my hand that had left his cheek pink. “What you saw wasn’t what you think. Sam and I are friends. Nothing else. I was upset.”
“Friends? Really, Justin? Tell me how much you paid for your friend. Half a million? More?”
“Stop acting like a fucking adolescent! You know what I am, Hartley. I have a past. I’m not fucking thirteen.” My gut knotted. He was absolutely right. I knew who he was and what he’d been in the past. I also knew at some point, I’d have to face one of his past subs. If only I’d been a mature adult, we wouldn’t be having this discussion. My stomach wouldn’t be rumbling with nervous nausea. I wouldn’t be screaming and crying like a hormonal teenage girl. Most importantly, I wouldn’t be pregnant.
“I loved you with my whole heart,” I whispered. “And you chose her over me to talk to. This was about us. Our problem. Our relationship. That says a lot, Justin. It proves absolutely everything I need to know.”
My bottom lip quivered as he reached for me, pulling me against his beating chest, the undeniable smell of alcohol strong.
“What does it prove, Hartley?” He stared at me intensely. I wanted to say so much. I wanted to yell and scream. Slap his face a second time. Make this pregnancy disappear for now.
I couldn’t do any of those things.
“It confirms that in the end, you’re still a fuck-for-fun relentless bastard.” Moving back, I nearly tripped over my own feet. “You’re no better than he was.”
“I don’t know how to be a parent, Hartley. You, better than anyone, should understand.”
My gaze lifted, suddenly wishing … for anything but the disappointment etched in his incredible face. My words were harsh and out of line. Comparing him to James … I’d die remembering that look. I was just so scared.
“Oh, I do understand. Perfectly.” Absolutely fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck him.
I stepped in the SUV and started the engine, my fingers straining against the steering wheel so tightly that they started to feel numb.
“Did you love her? Do you still?” His lips narrowed as he shook his head.
“No, Hartley. I never loved her. But this isn’t about Sam. Stop acting like it is. I’m not the fathering type. You knew this from day one. You fucking knew.” He was spot on. I did know. He’d been nothing but honest, when I’d been nothing but irresponsible and childish.
“I’ll leave the keys to the Land Rover with Jacks. Goodbye, Justin.”
I drove off, watching his hands sink deep inside his pockets, his expression confused.
I hated everything about this, but there was only one thing that mattered now.
This baby growing inside me.
Even though it was unplanned and way too fast, it was the result of love.
And I’d take care of him or her no matter what that meant.
We’ll be just fine, Baby It.
****
For the umpteenth time in the last hour since I’d returned to my apartment, I let go of the breath I’d been holding in, the reality that I was absolutely alone sinking in. In only a few short months, I would officially be a single parent. Rushing to get a child to daycare in time before being late for work.
Attending school events alone.
Teaching her or him to ride a bike or swim … alone.
When I left Topeka for a new life, I had no idea it would only become even more of a challenge. I should have stayed. This move had done nothing but add to the clusterfuck I called my life. Tears sprung to my eyes again.
I don’t know how to be a parent.
“Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.” I screamed at the top of my lungs. If the neighbors heard me—if I was being too loud—well fuck them, too.
Tomorrow I’d call Jacks, begging his forgiveness for all he’d done to get me moved to Texas. All the trouble. All the expense. All the time wasted. Then, after I called and gave notice to Tyler and Brandon, I’d pack up my few belongings.
And get the hell out of Dallas, Texas.
Chapter Forty-Five
Hartley
My heart rose up into my throat at ‘Mr. One Fine Ass’ streaming across the phone. I needed to change that, stat.
What else was left to say? I dropped off the Land Rover at Venture the day before I came back to Kansas, leaving the keys with Josh, who I still considered an asshole.
Everybody was an asshole to me right now.
What could Justin possibly want now?
Was he feeling okay? Were his migraines any better?
What was it about this man that made me forget others even existed? His good looks? The big blue eyes? Maybe his perfectly shaped jaw? Or even that fabulous ass that was somewhere between godlike and straight-up fuck-me material.
I didn’t know. I just didn’t know.
He told me upfront. No love. No commitment. No promises.
He said I’d never mean anything but another fuck-for-fun victim.
He told me.
He warned me.
So why the hell did my heart instantly race when I looked at his name flowing over my phone?
“Hi.” I answered the phone, pleading with my already crazy out-of-sync hormones to stay put just for the next few minutes.
“You’re back in fucking Kansas? Without as much as a simple goodbye? Is that all we were, Hartley?”
His words were slurred. Was he smoking weed? Was he emotional? Did he have a migraine?
“Yes. I’m back home.” I swallowed the lump moving up my throat.
“Why, Hartley? Jesus Christ.”
His voice was low. He was clearly rattled and upset.
“There’s nothing for me in Texas.” My voice cracked. “And you’ve proven your point that I’m not important. You never wanted any of this. You never wanted me. Not really. And I knew that going in.”
He let out an exaggerated laugh. “Oh, I see. I guess buying you new clothes and jewelry, handing you a new vehicle … that all makes me an uncaring complete dick.”
I could just see his angry eyes, feel his seething temper through the phone.
“Why are you like this, Justin? I never said anything about you being a dick. Okay, so maybe I did, but, it’s not enough. I don’t give a flying shit about material things or your money. I have a baby to raise. I need familiarity. A friendly face. I needed … you. I can’t do all this alone.” Tears clouded my eyes as my voice choked.
“So what are you telling me? You’re going back to Bruce? Do you still love him? After all the shit he pulled?”
His voice cracked. He sounded hoarse.
Of course I’m not going back to Bruce. That’s not what I meant. He doesn’t even know I’m here yet.
“Yes,” I lied.
The line went quiet. I wanted to tell him the truth. More than anything, I wanted to be honest. I ached to tell him I couldn’t stand the thought of him there and not with me and our baby.
Out of my arms.
Missing from my bed.
Erased from my deplorable life.
I covered the phone with the palm of my hand, sobbing uncontrollably against the back of my wrist, trying my best to muffle the sound.
“I love you, Hartley. You’ll always … be my sweet thing.”<
br />
Again, more silence, other than the impossible to hide sounds of my unmanageable weeping.
“And I’ll love you until the day I die, JT. So will this baby. I’ll make sure of it, even without you in his or her life.”
I could hear him sighing. Picturing his hands tugging at his hair, it only made me cry harder.
“Just do one thing for me, Hartley. Get him out of your system and then come back home.”
Home? What the hell did that mean? I ended the call, Mandy already knocking on my door.
****
“Hartley.” She placed a familiar hand on top of mine.
“I’m so sorry for all this.” I burst into tears as she pulled me in for a friendly hug.
“You don’t deserve all this shit. Fucking men suck.”
I nodded. “It’s okay, Mandy. Every bit of this is my fault. I just want to go to bed.” I kissed her cheek.
Thirty minutes later, I was still sitting in Mandy’s second bedroom, tears dropping off the tip of my chin onto my chest, my nose running. This life Justin and I created together in what I thought was an eternal unconditional love was all that mattered now.
I needed a job, but I didn’t want to go back to work with Mandy at our company. Shit, it was her company now and honestly, I didn’t even like medical insurance and coding. But then, I didn’t like anything much right now. But I had to have money. I had to find a way to support myself and this child. My small savings would only carry over for a couple of months. Who was going to hire a single pregnant woman, though? Absolutely no one.
With my head buried underneath the comforter, I closed my eyes. Finally, exhaustion won and I nodded off to sleep.
****
My head throbbed. My mouth was dry. I forced my swollen eyes open, glancing at the clock on my phone. It was 11:00 AM.
Jesus, I never slept this late.
“It’s a new day Baby It. The day for your mom to stop with the whole pity party and make your first doctor’s appointment and figure out what we do next.”
I dialed my mom.
“Hi, Hartley. How are you, sweetheart?”
How did she do that? Always sound so chipper? I felt like complete shit. My world was caving in. But I had a baby to consider now. It was time to step it up and be an adult.
“I’m fine, Mom. I hate to bail, but can we hold off on lunch? I need to do some things today.”
I was lying to my mother, something I hated doing, but seeing her right now just wasn’t something I could manage. I simply wasn’t ready to hear about her newest boyfriend, which I was sure she’d found by now.
“Okay. I wanted to take you to that new Chinese buffet. They have the best wonton soup.”
“I’m sorry, Mom.”
Disconnecting from my mother, I brought up my list of contacts and scrolled down to Dr. Christianson. I hit DIAL. I hadn’t seen my gynecologist for six months. Six months? Shit, my shot was indeed late. Good God, how reckless could a girl be?
“Brookside Women’s Center.” I rubbed a hand over my belly.
“Hi. This is Hartley Shipman. I need to make a well-baby appointment with Dr. Christianson.” My stomach rolled with nausea while I fought yet another wave of emotion. I wanted JT with me. Would our baby have his amazing eyes?
“Sure, Ms. Shipman. Dr. Christianson can see you in the morning at eleven if that works for you.”
“That’s perfect. I’ll see you then.”
Chapter Forty-Six
Justin
Regret can ruin a good man.
Hartley hated Kansas. Something wasn’t adding up. This guy was a bat-shit, crazy sex addict for fuck’s sake. Would she really go that direction again? I’d done some checking up on Bruce. Known for notoriously fucking women everywhere from his apartment to right inside his office, it was amusing what a few Benjamins could get a guy. Five hundred dollars cash and a lot of complimenting, Bruce’s administrative assistant chirped like a canary.
He keeps boxes of condoms in his lower left drawer behind the hanging files. He’s very popular with the women.
Of course, I’d paid a guy to go do the digging for me. I couldn’t take the chance of Fuck Face seeing me and running back to Hartley, even though I wanted nothing more than to grab him by the nut sack and twist until he passed out from the pain.
I dialed her number. I had to check on her. For nights, I’d done nothing but fight my pillow, my inner-self intensely lucid with dreams of a pregnant Hartley. They had me shook up. Left me feeling off about something. Jesus fuck, I’d felt nothing but off since she left.
“Justin… HI.” She sounded out of breath. What the hell was she doing? I didn’t ask, instead just jumping right into the hell hole of a conversation I knew was going to be a sharp kick in the balls.
“Just tell me. Would you really go back to him, after all he did? That’s not the Hartley I know.” The sound of her sigh was long. She was through with me. And I deserved it. Fucking worthless asshole. A man following his own biological father’s actions. That’s what I was.
“Justin, I’ll always care for you. We made a child together. But I’m not what you need. There’s too much bad blood.”
Care for me? That’s it? Bad fucking blood?
All the pain I’d endured in my lifetime, nothing came even close to what she said. I fucked up and lost the only good thing in my life. As much as I wanted to beg for a second chance, I wished her good luck and said goodbye.
Wished her luck? What in hell’s name? Was I a complete pussy now?
I didn’t want to be here at work. Fuck, I didn’t want to be anywhere. My club had always been my getaway. The one place I enjoyed most. But now, days were a fog. The nights were worse. My eyes ached with insomnia. Tired as hell, I hadn’t slept in a lifetime.
I didn’t normally dream all that much. But now, the nightmares were constant. Always dark. The sun non-existent. Babies howling. Screaming at the top of their lungs before falling off a cliff to their death as a pregnant Hartley stood by and watched. The last two mornings I’d woken to sweat covering my body with the bedding in a big knot at my feet. Her smell still lingering on her pillow. Makeup and bathroom items still sitting in the same drawer untouched. Her eyes. Scent. Addictive taste. They were everywhere.
I emptied the bottle of water I was drinking, wishing it was something way stronger. Sam walked in and sat down on the couch.
“Justin, maybe I’m stepping way out of bounds here, but I just have to get this off my mind.” Her eyes were caring and I knew that was hard. She still had feelings. Feelings I could never return.
“Okay. Speak your mind, Sam.” I tossed the empty Ozarka bottle across the room and into the trash can like I’d done a hundred times from the leather sofa on the opposite side of the room.
“Look, I know you worry. I know there’s all kinds of shit I don’t know about you. Your past. Your family. But one thing I do know is that you’re a good man. You have a big heart and a strong will.”
Well, fuck.
Shrugging, “Where exactly are you going with this, Sam?” Her face was serious. No smiles. No winks. Nothing but pure care and concern for whatever shit she was trying to spit out.
“Sometimes, things happen for a reason, Justin. When we never expected it. Maybe never even wanted it.”
Tyler’s words exactly. Enough of this shit.
I stood up. I needed to move around. I didn’t want to have this conversation with her.
“Justin.” Her voice was stern. “Please. If nothing else, give this thing a chance with Hartley. She’s good for you. It’s all over your face when she’s around. Even your posture takes on a new form.”
What the fuck?
“My posture? That’s classic, Sam. Just fucking classic. Look. I appreciate what you’re trying to do here, but I’m done with this conversation.” She didn’t move. She only stared.
“Justin, don’t give up something you’ll regret the rest of your life. She loves you.”
“Okay, Sam.
Please. That’s enough.”
I felt like shit. I didn’t give three shreds of fuck about anything. I was drinking more than I ever had. Smoking bowl after bowl of weed, no matter if my head hurt or not. Seeking anything for the pain. It hurt like hell. I missed her so bad it was controlling my every minute. Turning my days dark again.
But she claimed she was back in Fuck Face’s life. With my baby growing in her belly. The thought was nauseating. I detested the idea of him feasting on her nectar, bringing out the beautiful sighs of gratification that I’d brought her dozens of times. Just the idea of it made me categorically inhuman. Filled me with backbiting grudge and simmering disgust, my gut aching for her brown eyes.
Her sweet smile. The cute freckles lining her button nose.
The way she whispered my name when I was inside her.
Every day I ached. Every minute it got worse.
I’d done exactly what I never wanted.
I hurt her.
Turned her away when she needed me the most. Disregarded the baby, my own fucking flesh and blood, just like my own father had.
How was she really doing? Was the baby healthy? Did she fight morning sickness? Did she already have a bump in her belly?
Did she miss me? Did she lay in bed at night remembering?
I deplored every single goddamn thing I’d done. I was back to the man I was before. Angry. Full of resentment. With nothing but my work. At one time that had been enough. Now it wasn’t. None of it meant shit without Hartley.
The spicy sandwich I usually loved tasted like complete dog shit. I closed the top of the Styrofoam container and tossed it in the garbage. My shaky fingers tore at my hair, a raging migraine about sixty seconds shy from attacking my motherfucking head. I felt it coming. My phone rang. ‘Jackson’ streamed across the screen.
Fucking hell! Fuck… Fuck…
The last thing I wanted was to talk to her brother. We’d come close to going at blows with each other already over this deal. Honestly, I almost wished he’d taken a swing at me. The pain sounded good.
I answered my phone in my best don’t give a fuck voice.
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