She began to cry, unable to contain herself. What was going to be the most wonderful day of her life had turned into a nightmare? She was cold, and she was feeling unwell, and terrified. The only thing she wanted was to find him; for him to embrace her; for him to tell her that everything was all right... Her sobs were growing ever stronger; she felt that the anguish was suffocating her, and that the only thing left for her to do was to plead, without knowing to whom, for the whole thing to be put right. Without realising what she was doing, she whispered between sobs:
"Alex, please, please... Where are you?"
The reflection in the water showed to her, for a second, a darker silhouette approaching her own. Before she could turn around, she felt as if something had broken inside her head, and her consciousness plunged into waters darker than those of the estuary itself.
***
The last few minutes felt like a nightmare to her, a series of stills that went by at full speed, to be etched in her brain forever. Carlos's call, the car journey there, the race through the lighthouse towards the cordoned off area... Her brain was refusing to think; it was begging again and again for it not to be the same killer, for that girl not to have died because of her failure to find Charon.
They reached the steps that went down to the lower part of the walkway. The place had been illuminated by several spotlights positioned there by the officers who had arrived half an hour earlier but, even so, the place was dark and sinister. Natalia stopped for a second:
"Won't Aguirre say something about me having come today? I’m not on duty.”
"No, don't worry. I've already spoken with him," said Carlos. “You took charge of the previous cases, and I told him that I wanted the same person. He didn’t have any objections.”
"Thank you very much for continuing to trust in me even though...” Her voice broke, and she could not continue.
"Even though we’ve failed? Well, we’re together in this, aren't we? We need to keep going forward even though it isn't pleasant.”
She did not know how to respond to him. She continued walking, with her eyes riveted on the ground, wishing she was not there. At University they had taught her to see the dead bodies as numbers. Nobody had prepared her for the examination of little girls who were in love, who had been tricked, mutilated and murdered by a madman, for whom they felt responsible. She was not sure she could bear it.
They reached the end of the pier. This area was even more illuminated, and in the centre of the light she saw the shape covered by a glowing sheet. She felt as if a claw were gripping onto her stomach. Her brain was still refusing to accept the evidence, but a voice in her mind was hitting her with the truth: such a small body, such a young girl, such a solitary place... It's him, it's him, it's him...
Natalia walked up to the body, trying not to look at it; focusing on the gentle waves in the water; on the streetlights on the other side of the bank... A fishing boat passed in front, slow, dark, sad as a funeral procession. Its siren cut through the silence of the night like the cry of an injured animal. She stopped for a few seconds, crouched down, and lifted the fabric covering the corpse. She raised her gaze, and her eyes met with Carlos's. She did not have to say anything to him. Her tear-filled eyes confirmed to him that they had failed.
***
They traversed the A-8 back to Bilbao in utter silence. The feeling of frustration ran deep, almost physical... It felt as though they were going to be crushed inside the car by the weight of the disappointment and the guilt. In spite of it being past three in the morning, they were still coming across a few cars, Saturday night partygoers. Natalia looked at the long black ribbon of the estuary bordered by an endless line of streetlights, the thousands of lights that illuminated Greater Bilbao, the night sky rendered gold by the reflection of the city's illumination against the pollution. If one looked properly, it was a lovely place; one could almost not believe that such a beautiful place could harbour such evil. And, nevertheless, what she had seen was real; she could not console herself with thinking that it was a nightmare. It had happened, and part of the blame was hers.
"Don't take me home, please," murmured Natalia, pleadingly. "I'm not going to be able to sleep. Would you mind if we took a walk?"
Carlos nodded and continued driving. A few minutes later, he parked, and they got out of the car. Natalia stood stock still, looking at him with sad eyes, feeling like a lost little girl. Carlos began walking towards the bridge of the Euskalduna Conference Centre.
"Why are you going along in that direction? There's nothing there."
“I know. I thought it was what you wanted: to take a quiet walk. If we carry on along the Gran Vía, we’re going to come across a ton of people, and I'm not in a party mood."
They crossed the bridge, falling once more into a silence, which was broken only by the echo of their footsteps. They continued on like that for a few minutes. Natalia thought that this particular silence was strange, because it did not make her feel uncomfortable; she did not feel the need to have to say anything. They were able to carry on in this way, each respecting the rage, disappointment, and frustration that was preventing them from speaking to each other, but feeling better for the simple fact of knowing that they were not alone.
They reached the other side of the estuary. The dark mass of the Euskalduna Conference Centre rose up on the opposite bank, threatening, blocking the view of the buildings behind it. They began to walk towards Deusto. Their silence was occasionally interrupted by the noise of some car passing slowly through the puddles that still remained on the road. Natalia’s spirits were being progressively calmed as a result of the peace and beauty that the sleeping city offered. Before them appeared the silhouette of the Guggenheim Museum, aglow with touches of gold and silver. Carlos stopped a moment to take out a cigarette. He offered one to her, and they continued regarding the museum and its crystalline reflection in the calm waters of the estuary for a few minutes.
"It's lovely, isn't it?" said Natalia, dreamily, breaking the silence.
"Well, at first it seemed horrible to me but, the more I looked at it, the more I liked it," he answered, whilst he turned towards her, cracking a smile. “It has an element of... I don't know how to explain it."
"Of magic. When it shines like that, it seems out of place here; like it could vanish at any moment.”
They fell quiet again as they contemplated it for a few more seconds, and then they continued walking. Natalia allowed herself to look at him out of the corner of her eye. He was so altered... He seemed so tired and vacant... The cynical and mischievous expression in his eyes seemed to have completely disappeared. She wondered what could be passing through his head, how he would be feeling, what life was like for him... She realised that, after a month of seeing him on a daily basis, she did not know much more about him than what she knew on that first day. She felt that she would love to see more of this stranger walking alongside her; to know more about what he was really like, when all the masks seemed to have fallen away.
In that moment, they passed alongside a small park. Carlos went into it, and sat down on a bench. Natalia followed him without question, and sat down next to him. In front of them there was a fountain which, in that moment, had no water spouting out of it. She ran her eyes over the abandoned swings, the empty benches, the heaps of dried leaves being moved along by the wind... She shivered at the sensation that the world had ended. All that was left was the two of them, abandoned in the middle of a dead planet.
"Tell me about yourself," Natalia asked him, turning in the bench to face him.
"About myself? What do you want to know?"
"I don't know... Whatever you want..." she replied, without knowing where to begin. "At the station they told me that you’re divorced, and that you live alone. What happened?"
"So now you're dedicating yourself to going around investigating meat the station, eh?” he asked.
"No, it's not like that... I've just heard comments."
"Fine,” h
e replied, in an annoyed voice. “I was married. Her name was Ana, she was an accountant, we were very happy for a few years and then, as was to be expected, she got tired of me, got a fantastic job in London, and left me. I’m sorry, but I’m in no mood for giving many more explanations tonight."
"I'm sorry to have bothered you," she apologised. She regretted having asked him. She had only wanted to know him a little more and, instead of that, she had managed to raise even thicker walls between the two of them. "I just thought it would be good if we could get to know each other a little better.”
"I'm sorry, but I don't feel like talking about that now," he said. "Nevertheless, I think the thing about getting to know each other better is a good idea. Why don't you talk? You know... About your family, what kinds of things you like, why you became a medical examiner..."
"That doesn't seem fair to me. I asked first."
"Because of that very reason, you should lead by example,” he answered.
"All right,” Natalia lowered her gaze, and looked at the toes of her shoes for a little while, as if that was where she would find the answer to the question of whether she should trust him or not. It had not seemed reasonable to her that Carlos would close up like that, but now she was considering whether she was prepared to open up to him. However, she had got herself into that situation, and could no longer see a possible exit. “Ask whatever you want."
"Well, I don't know... "Carlos scratched his head, thoughtful.”Tell me something about your family. You know: where they are; why you live alone..."
"That's not as easy to answer as it seems, but I'll try. My father lives in Plencia.”
“In Plencia? I thought they lived far away, as you've never spoken about them..."
"Well, the thing is I'm never going to see him again. We don't have a very close relationship," Natalia looked up at the sky and thought for a few seconds. Those memories had been chasing her throughout her entire life, and she was afraid to let them out. Carlos looked at her in interest, inviting her to keep talking. "Well, I haven't spoken with my father since shortly before joining the Ertzaintza. He didn’t want me going and working there for anything in the world.”
“So... did he already have other plans for you?”
"He's always had other plans for me," Natalia sighed, and drew her eyes away again, focusing them on the yellowy sky. "When I was little, I didn't even give it any thought, but, many times, when I think about all the things I've done, I don't know up to what point I've lived my life or his."
"I don't get your meaning."
“I mean the small details you don't realise until you think about them as a whole, like the image in a puzzle, where you don’t know what you’re constructing until you have the majority of the pieces in place. His way of educating was so cold, so authoritarian... I would only receive affection when I took the suitable steps to follow the direction that he had set out for me, I think ever since the day I was born."
"And what direction was that?"
"To become a reflection of himself: the great medical examiner, a distinguished university lecturer, an eminent scientist...”
"I thought you liked your job..."
"And I do like it, but sometimes I think that my whole life has been conditioned: my studies, my way of being, the things I like, even my desires. Just like a rat in a laboratory," Natalia's voice broke, and she fell silent.
“If you don't want to talk about this, it's okay,” said Carlos reassuringly.
“No, I don’t mind. Now that I’ve started, it’s easier and, if I stop, it’s possible I might never be able to start this conversation ever again. Unless I’m boring you...” she replied, hesitating.
“No, of course not. Go on, please.”
“Okay, well I had already been considering these things for some time, ever since I was a teenager. I remember the day I came home saying that I’d found my vocation, that I wanted to study Psychology,” Natalia cracked a sad smile. “My father didn’t speak to me for two months, until I told him that it had been childishness and that, of course, I wanted to be a medical examiner.”
“I can’t get my head around it... I know there are parents like that, but they’re supposed to love you however you are...”
“I thought so too, but he was always that way. He was my father, but with conditions.”
“And what about your mother? Did she not say anything?”
“She died when I was six.”
“Wow, I’m sorry,” Carlos apologised. “What else happened?”
“When I finally entered University, everything went downhill. My father holds a very important position in the Faculty of Medicine, and my fellow students were beginning to say that I was well connected, and that I had it all made. I had always had difficulties with relating to people, but University was real hell. I became bitter. I only lived to study and to be number one, to demonstrate that they weren’t right, although nobody bothered to ever check it.”
“Shit, what a life... Now I’m beginning to understand a lot of things.”
“Like what? Like how I’m sometimes an unbearable perfectionist and behave like an arriviste?” Natalia smiled at him.
“Yes, that for example.”
His response hurt her like an icy stab to the chest. She knew that Carlos’s comment was a joke but, all the same, the idea that he could think that about her in spite of their working together, of seeing her every day and knowing her well, had hounded her continuously. She wondered up to what point it was worth the pain of showing the real Natalia instead of the perfect mask that she had fabricated. Perhaps nobody else would be able to see her; perhaps she had killed her a long time ago, and now she only existed in her memories... She felt the stinging of tears in her eyes, but she looked away and did not allow them to fall. After a few seconds, she looked back at Carlos, and let out a timid smile, trying to demonstrate that she was fine.
“It was a joke, I really am sorry if I said anything I shouldn’t...” Carlos apologised, feeling ashamed.
“No, don’t worry... You’ve not done anything wrong; it’s my fault. I give it too much significance.”
“You give it the significance that it has. You’re telling me things that have truly hurt you. The fact is that I’m simply a loudmouth who doesn’t know how to shut up.”
“Well, you’re the only loudmouth I’ve ever dared to trust.”
Carlos took out two cigarettes, and they smoked in silence, watching the park. The night air was cold. Natalia wrapped both arms tightly around herself, to protect herself from the frozen wind. He stood up and offered her his hand.
“Come on, we can keep talking along the way.”
“Along the way to where?” Natalia took hold of it so that he could help her up. For a moment, they stayed hand in hand, as if they did not know whether they ought to let go. Carlos let go in order to point out the way.
“I know a bar near the Town Hall which opens at five.”
They began walking in that direction. Natalia kept her arms wrapped around herself, to shield herself from the cold. Carlos took off his coat and offered it to her.
“What are you doing? You’re going to be frozen...”
“No, I’m hot. You put it on.”
“But how can you be hot on a night like this?”
“I’m always hot, seriously. If you don’t put it on, I’m only going to be carrying it in my hand...”
Natalia took the coat and put it on. It was enormous on her but, no sooner after putting it on, she felt better. She looked at Carlos, who was now walking in shirtsleeves, with his hands in his pockets, trying to look like he did not notice the wind.
“Thank you very much,” Natalia looked at him, smiling. Carlos smiled too.
“Come on, tell me. What happened in the end with your father?”
“When I finished the Medicine course, my father insisted on me going off to study for a couple of years at a prestigious university in the United States. I didn’t want to go but, as I didn’t ha
ve the bravery to deal with him, I signed up for it. You had to do a piece of work, for them to evaluate your abilities, so I did terribly. The whole essay was wrong. When I handed it in, I was certain that they were going to reject me.”
“And what happened?”
“They chose me anyway. It was then that I began to wonder whether all of my achievements throughout my degree had been my own; whether my classmates had been right to hate me; whether my life was my life or the role my father had made me carry out...”
Natalia remained quiet for a few moments. They continued walking and, all of a sudden, she stopped and looked up towards one of the buildings. Perched on the roof there rose the statue of an enormous stone lion. Even from the distance, its size was noticeable, and the lights of the night lent it a gloomy, disturbing aspect, as if it could come to life at any moment. Natalia let out a laugh that was utterly devoid of any humour:
"It reminds me of my father: impressive, exalted, watching over everything as if he were worrying about you, even though you are living with the fear that, at any moment, he could pounce and devour you. I always think the same thing whenever I walk through here," Natalia averted her gaze from the statue and carried on walking.
"It certainly is scary. I’d never paid it any attention before,” Carlos came beside her and resumed his questions. "So what happened then? Did you go to the US?”
“No, not on your life... I couldn't take it anymore. I gave up the place and applied of Forensic Anatomy at the University of Madrid. My father got really angry but, in any case, although I may have veered off the track a little, I was still serving his purposes. He wanted me to do a PhD in that specialisation, and to help him in his classes and his investigations so that, one day, I would take his place.”
Charon's Net Page 16