He made me scream a lot more.
NINETEEN
As I woke I fell to the ground, unable to stand under my own weight. I felt someone at my side, but the only thing I could think about was my mouth. I lifted my hand and felt around inside.
My teeth were all there. I was whole.
The relief washed over me and I felt tears spring from my eyes. Almost as an afterthought I checked my nose, but that was fine also. I felt bile rise up in the back of my throat, but after a few seconds of gagging I managed to keep my dinner down. I looked up into the eyes of Bradley who was kneeling next to me, a grimace on his face.
"Are you okay?"
I just stared at him.
"She will be fine." It took a few moments to connect the thick accent with Doctor Vorboyov. It was at that moment that I realized I was still in the lab. I shivered and looked over the doctor. "You did well, Miss Alex. Few on the first time have such a passionate response. Well done."
I looked up at Bradley with a disgusted look on my face. "What the hell was that?"
Doctor Vorboyov answered. "That was torture preparation training. The children here refer to it as 'The box'. It is to prepare you for real wartime situations when the enemy has captured you."
I stared at him with my mouth agape. "How can that prepare anyone for anything?"
Bradley gave a sigh. "After a while you start to be able to isolate the pain. You can block yourself off from it. It still hurts, but it doesn't affect you like it does now. The training works." I looked up at him with my mouth wide. He shook his head. "I'm sorry." He looked ashamed.
I turned back to look at the chair and shivered. "Can I leave now?"
Vorboyov was still smiling. "Yes." He lifted his hand and gave me a little wave. "I will see you again next week!"
I felt like being sick again. I looked up at Bradley, but his face was expressionless again. He put his arms around my shoulders and helped me up. With his help I started to make my way out of the laboratory. At the doorway I stopped and looked back. Doctor Vorboyov was scribbling onto a notepad and humming a happy tune to himself.
It was funny how monsters didn't look like they did in dreams.
Halfway back to the barracks I was able to start walking on my own. My head was clear enough for me to connect the dots.
"How long will I have to do this?"
Bradley didn't meet my eyes. "As long as you're here."
"And everyone else?"
"Has to do it too."
I shook my head in disgust. "You people sicken me."
"I know it's bad, but you will see that it's necessary."
I shook my head again. "I can make it back to the barracks from here." I quickened my pace to get away from him. Bradley stopped behind me and allowed me to move forward by myself. I was thankful he didn't try to protest.
When I arrived at the barracks it took me a few minutes of heavy breathing to open the door. When I walked in I saw Jane sitting on one of the couches. She smiled at me as I walked in, but from my position I could see Nadine was sitting in such a way that she was ready to react at a moments notice. Nadine's eyes scanned over me, and for a brief moment she frowned, but then she turned back to her book.
I left the common room and made my way into my bedroom. Sarah was sitting on the edge of her bed biting her nails, and she stood the moment I walked in. She stepped forward, but upon seeing my face she stopped. I stepped past her and climbed up onto my bed, kicked my boots off, and climbed under my sheet. Sarah turned out the light and laid down in her own bed.
"If you want to talk. I'm here."
I turned away from the room and faced the wall. That night I cried myself to sleep.
***
I stormed down the hall and stomped toward the large double doors. I hadn't been back here since my first day, but I remembered the way without any trouble. I didn't have an appointment, but didn't much care at this point.
After having slept on and off all night, waking from nightmares, I decided to come down here the moment I woke at five in the morning. I had seen the light on from the outside, so I knew he was here.
I walked up to the doors and kicked them open hard with my foot. The thick wood slammed hard into the walls and shook on their hinges. My foot and leg hurt now, but it was worth it for the effect.
The general turned to look at me with his face set in a small frown.
"I've been expecting you, Alex. Please take a seat."
I narrowed my eyes at him. "I don't think I will. I have a few things that I need to say."
He took a seat behind his desk. "In the interest of getting through this sooner, you have my permission to say anything you need to say. I will not interrupt, nor will you anyone hold you accountable for whatever you say next." He lifted his hands and threaded his fingers in front of his face, placing his elbows on the desk.
I took a breath to collect my thoughts, but I couldn't think straight enough to allow the thoughts to form. I was so angry, but I had to let it out. I turned and noticed a small plant sitting in a ceramic pot. I walked over, lifted the pot, and threw it was hard as I could at the window.
The moment it collided with the glass I regretted my decision. The spray shot outward and I watched as the plant, still in its pot, fell the few stories to the ground and shattered on impact. I stood shaking for a few moments, before looking over at the general. For his part he just watched me. I walked over and took a seat behind his desk.
"I apologize for that."
He nodded once. Now that I had dealt with my anger I managed to find the words that I couldn't earlier.
"What is wrong with you people?"
General Walker waited for a few moments to confirm I was waiting for a response before replying.
"Before I answer your question, I'd like for you to read this."
He reached down to a folder that had been sitting on his desk. In my anger I hadn't noticed it until he slid it toward me. I frowned at him, but opened the folder and started reading. I was only in the first paragraph when I started sweating. It was a detailed report of everything I had gone through the night before, only a few things were off.
The things that were off were major things.
It wasn't a report on me, but on a male subject a few years older than I. He was a Pulser, and as I read, I realized that this wasn't a simulation. This had happened to him. I felt like being sick.
"How is that meant to make me feel better?"
The general shook his head. "It isn't—it's supposed to help you understand." He stood from behind his desk and began to pace back and forth. "An intelligence agent recovered that report about eighteen years ago. He had infiltrated a compound that had captured some of our agents, with his mission being to get them out at any cost." The general paused and looked out the broken window. "It was not what we thought."
"What do you mean?"
General Walked turned to face me. "What I mean is that we thought it was a holding facility, but in fact it was a lot worse than that. The captors had been putting the prisoners through experiments. Some to make them break and reveal information, some to work out more about the pulse power, and some… some just for the sake of it."
I swallowed and it sounded too loud. The general looked down at his desk.
"In our attempts at extraction we lost a lot of information about the facility, but worse than that were the minds of the subjects. They never outright killed anyone. Some died of their injuries, and others bodies gave out from the stress. Over ninety percent of the people they captured were still alive."
"So you got them out alive?"
"If you can call it that." General Walked shook his head. "They were gone. Minds broken from their treatment at the hands of those… monsters." Pain and rage was etched across his face. I saw his hands clench and unclench as he ran through the memories. I shuddered at the thought of coming across those people. He cleared his throat and met my eyes again. "Those that weren't broken would never serve with us again, an
d the information we lost set the war effort back decades. We've been picking up the pieces ever since we shut that facility down."
I sighed and felt the last of my anger drain away. I could see in his expression that this tortured him, but that only served to confuse me further.
"Sir, if it was as bad as all that then why are you forcing your recruits now to go through the same thing?"
He looked to me again with a hard expression. "We used those reports to create the simulations—one of which you went through last night." He shook his head. "I'll not have my troops go up against the enemy unprepared again. Although it's barbaric—and make no mistake that is what I believe it is—it is also necessary. The training you receive in the simulations is a way to prepare you without putting you through what they went through. I know that it was hard, but it was nothing compared to the helplessness that those who went through it for real felt.
"When doing this training we have shown marked improvement in recruits. Not only in the ability to withstand interrogation techniques by the enemy, but also in the spirit of those who have overcome it. It's the worst thing I have ever had to give the order for in my entire military service, but I believe it is doing much to save lives."
He returned to his seat and laid his hands palm up on the desk. He looked me in the eye. "Do you understand?"
I wanted to swear. I wanted to throw something again. I wanted to cry. I wanted to say no. I wanted to hate him, and this whole situation. I wanted to scream that it was wrong.
But I did understand. Curse me to hell I understood completely.
I nodded to him. "I get it. I don't like it, but I get it."
Walker gave me a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "Then we're in agreement. In the report it said you didn't attempt to use your Pulse power last night."
I frowned, and considered for a few moments. "To be honest, sir, I forgot." I gave him a shrug. "A lot was going on and I wasn't in my right mind. I'm sure with more training it will become easier. Now that I think of it though my power would be pretty useless in that situation. Slowing down the experience wouldn't be something I would pursue."
"There are always situations where opportunities present themselves." He gave a sigh. "But in any case during the simulation your power is… suppressed is the wrong word, but in effect it's the same thing."
"How so?" I asked.
"The simulation can't handle it. There is not enough computing power to replicate something like that. It can make the character 'you' due to the expectations by your mind, but it can't do every Pulse power. It works out better for the training, but it is something the Doctor is trying to crack."
I twisted my face at the mention of the doctor.
The general nodded at my expression. "He might not seem like it, but that man has done a lot to help your kind become stronger, more efficient, and safer. He's a little odd and excitable, but his intent is pure I can assure you."
I felt myself nod. I turned toward the broken glass and frowned.
"Sorry about the window."
The smile that came onto his face was more genuine this time. "I expected it."
"What?" I asked with a frown.
He pointed to the chair I was sitting on. "That chair is an eighty year old relic from before I was born. It, along with this desk, were my mother's. From everything I've read about your personality and actions, I concluded that you would come in here angry. I couldn't have you destroying something I cared about, so I had the guards bring in one of the pot plants from the greenhouse in the forest."
I stood with my mouth open. "Y—you planned for me to destroy your window?"
He shook his head. "No, but I decided to hedge my bets. Do you not think it odd that you could storm in here in the condition that you were without anyone trying to stop you?"
I turned to look back at the door which still stood open, and saw two large men in fatigues standing beside the door. They hadn't been there when I had arrived. I shook my head in disbelief.
"I can't believe I was so predictable."
General Walker smiled. "I've been doing this a long time, and there are only a few reactions people have when faced with their first round in the box. Most just accept it and move on. They think because everyone else is doing it, it must just be normal. Those people are not what I consider leaders. Those who question, like yourself, are the ones that I wait for. Those who can use their head and come to logical conclusions without melding into the flock. They are officer material."
I felt a strange sense of pride well up in my chest. I wasn't sure why, but impressing this man made me feel happier than almost anything else had since I had arrived here.
He stood and gestured to the doorway. "I'll be keeping an eye on you, Private Murray."
I stood and smiled at him, before turning and making my way from the building.
I had expected to be angry. I had expected to quit. I had expected the worst, but instead I'd done a complete turn. If you had told me an hour ago that I would have accepted what happened last night I would have called you crazy.
TWENTY
I concentrated hard and pushed down on the ball within my chest. I felt the release of my pulse, stood from my chair, and raised my arms. I faced my palms outward and concentrated on holding the force out for as long as I could.
After a few of the sessions I had learned to feel the force of the pulse as it sat outside me rather than only in my chest. I found that if I concentrated hard enough I could maintain the field out longer than the one second I had when I first started. Holding my hands out in the air like this did nothing physical, but it helped me visualize the field better, which in turn made it last longer.
I felt the influx of energy pushing on the walls I had built, and sure enough they broke and it rushed back into me like waterfall. Although I was trying to hold it out as long as possible, the relief of having it back was something I could almost taste. It had become my comfort blanket.
Doctor Lynn jumped out of the booth. "Wow! You lasted six whole seconds that time!"
I felt my eyebrows raise. The most I had ever gone before was four, and less than that if I wasn't concentrating. I was still only able to hit three seconds if I was moving about, but six seconds was a new record by far.
Doctor Lynn rushed forward and wrapped her arms around me. I felt myself stiffen and my mouth twist into a grimace. To her credit the Doctor noticed right away and pulled back from me.
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Alex. I forgot you don't like being touched."
I gave her a small smile. "It's okay. I do need to work on that."
"A lifetime of conditioning won't change overnight," Doctor Lynn said with her hands on her hips. I chuckled at her, and she looked down and laughed at herself. "I can't believe how far you've come in only four short months, Alex."
I nodded to her and smiled. "I know. Although to be honest I didn't think it would be this hard."
"Trust me, you're progressing a lot faster than anyone else at the moment. I have no idea how to account for these results."
I grimaced but forced my face back to neutral as fast as I could. It wasn't fast enough.
"Alex…"
"It's just so tempting!" I said, leaning forward with my arms out wide. "We only get to meet three nights a week—how is that real training?"
She raised her eyebrows. "How often are you pulsing?"
"Once a day at least."
"At least?"
I shrugged. "Well over the past two days I've managed to do it twice in one day. Once at lunch and once again before bed."
"And how long have you been doing this?"
"About… three months?"
Doctor Lynn clicked her tongue in thought and made her way back into her booth. She pressed a few buttons on her screen, and after a couple of minutes passed she came back out.
"The math works out. You're progressing at the standard rate if you compare it on a per pulse basis with everyone else. I've just never heard of anyone at your ag
e being able to do it so often." She shook her head and scribbled some notes onto her pad. "This will be fantastic for Vorboyov's studies."
I grimaced at the name, but didn't say anything. I went to my weekly lessons with him without fail, but he wasn't a man I wanted to get to know any better. I know what he had done was good for the war effort, and giving us a better chance at rehabilitating this country. It didn't matter. He was the monster who put me in the box every week.
Doctor Lynn clicked her tongue, drawing my attention back to her. "In light of this news, would you like to meet at the same time every night for training?"
"That's allowed?"
She gave me a frown. "Of course it is. I'm disappointed you didn't tell me this sooner. All that valuable data lost!"
I winced. "Sorry. I didn't even think about that."
"It's okay, we can extrapolate it from your formal sessions." She frowned and tilted her head to the side. "Where were you even doing it?"
I grimaced again. "Um…"
"Ah, I see. Been sneaking into places you're not meant to, huh?"
I shrugged and smiled.
"Don't worry I won't tell, but you have to promise you'll come to me every time you want to pulse. I cannot stress how important it is to keep this in a controlled environment until we know the full effects of your power."
I nodded. "I will. I'm sorry."
"That's fine. You can go for the rest of the night now, I'll have to do some calculations to best estimate your true curve. If I just take the readings from the past few days and…"
She trailed off and walked back into her booth. I turned with a smile and made my way back out of the room and into the hallway, but my smile dropped when I remembered what my next lesson was.
The box.
***
It only took ten minutes from my session with Vorboyov and I was crawling through the window of the building on the far side of the clearing. I shivered and started going through some stretches to throw off the remnants of the 'training'. I was still a little shaky.
The Pulse Series (Book 1): Pulse Page 12