Catch as Cat Can

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by Rita Mae Brown


  “Who told you that?” Lottie crossly said. “I have a date for tonight.”

  “A little bird.”

  She eyed BoomBoom across the room. “A big robin redbreast. Wait until I get my hands on her.”

  “I'd rather you get your hands on me.”

  Eavesdroppers stifled a giggle, making certain not to stare at the impending drama.

  “Roger, dream on.”

  “You know what's wrong with you, Lottie? You're a goddamned snob. And you know what else? I've never seen a snob who was really happy because there are so few people they can lower themselves to be with, you know? And you need friends in this world. You need friends. It's a cruel world sometimes. You need friends and you need a drink.”

  “You've had enough to drink, which is why I'll forgive you calling me a snob. If you want me to go out with you, Roger, you're sure going about it in a bizarre manner.”

  “I'm not drunk.” A whiff of belligerence filled his voice. “And I'm getting rich. You forget that. How many F.F.V.'s have money? Look at Harry. Great blood and not a penny.” He liked Harry but he didn't mind using her as an example of First Families of Virginia. “Business is booming. I'm not a poor man. Didn't your mother tell you it's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor one? Well, I'm rich.”

  Lottie at the moment wasn't pleased with Harry because she thought Diego should have been her date. BoomBoom was heartless in assigning Diego to Harry. After all, Harry could have gone to the parties with her ex-husband. Everyone knew he was still in love with her and was dying to get her back.

  “Lottie, maybe you've had too much to drink.” Roger touched her arm as she was lost in thought.

  “Huh. No!”

  “Well, let me get you one. The world looks a lot better after you've belted back some Jim Beam.”

  The John D'earth band started playing out in the garden. Aunt Tally had set up her outdoor dance floor. People drifted outside.

  Sean, wearing a sports jacket and tie, walked over. “Roger, lay off for a little bit or you'll be useless by tonight.”

  “Big Brother is watching you,” Roger said with no malice as Sean moved away, Lottie in tow.

  “Thank you, Sean,” Lottie said, her voice low.

  “He's always had this crush on you, Lottie. I wish you could see past his exterior. Roger is a good man and he'd be a good provider, solid. He needs a woman to anchor him. He drinks because he's lonely.”

  “This is said by a man still single.” Lottie thought Sean the better-looking of the brothers.

  “The business has taken up so much of my time, a lot more than I thought. I'll tell you, I've sure learned to respect my father and grandfather. They started the business and they changed with the times although at the end Dad was set in his ways. Rog and I have to put everything we've got in the business. But you know, I like the challenge.” He exhaled a long deep breath. “But I do have to get out more. I'm not going to find a wife in the junkyard.”

  “Oh, if BoomBoom, now the artiste, comes to your lot I imagine other women do, too.”

  “You'd be surprised at the people who come out there.” He grinned in semi-agreement. “BoomBoom surprises me. She really is welding.” He held up his hand. “Honestly. She's making sculptures out of scraps and they aren't bad. Kind of whimsical. But I still don't think I'm going to meet the love of my life at the salvage yard.”

  “BoomBoom with a welding torch.” Lottie's eyebrows rose.

  Aunt Tally followed her guests into the garden as the marching-band members served drinks and hors d'oeuvres. “Where did all these children come from? Have people been reproducing behind my back?”

  “Ned Tucker called for some extra help,” Big Mim told her.

  “He should run for office. He's a smart man.”

  “What kind of office?” Big Mim wanted no interference for her daughter's career. She was relieved that Marilyn finally had some direction in life.

  “Congress.”

  “Yes, he'd be good but let's see how Little Mim does.”

  “She's vice-mayor and she's young. Give her time.”

  “But Ned's young, too,” Big Mim said.

  “He's in his late forties. Marilyn's in her thirties. Let Ned pave the way.” Aunt Tally rapped the brick path with her cane, betraying her impatience as well as her intelligence. If Ned ran for Congress and won, then Tally and others like her could push him toward the Senate someday and Little Mim could inherit his seat. It would be less of a fight and that way they'd have two politicians in their pockets. A lot of ifs but most endeavors started that way and Tally paid little mind to ifs.

  “May I have this dance?” Reverend Jones held out his hand to Aunt Tally.

  “I thought you'd never get me away from her.” Tally laughed as they stepped onto the floor. “She hovers around me. What does she think? I'm going to keel over in her presence because I'm older than dirt?”

  “She hovers over you because she loves you.”

  “Oh, that,” Tally answered the Reverend.

  Diego held Harry. She felt a chill run down her spine. Fair, dancing with Lottie, glared.

  Thomas Steinmetz made the rounds of the ladies, always returning to BoomBoom, as was proper.

  “You're making a lot of women happy.” BoomBoom smiled at him.

  “So long as I make you happy.” He smiled at her as one who is accustomed to getting his way with women.

  Roger wandered over, a bit more sober. “Are you really an ambassador?”

  “Thomas Steinmetz, Roger O'Bannon, proprietor with his brother of O'Bannon Salvage,” BoomBoom said.

  “Pleased to meet you.” Thomas held out his hand.

  Roger blinked, then shook it. “Likewise. You guys have tin mines in Uruguay?”

  “Bolivia has more of those than we do.” He noticed Aunt Tally being led back to a table. “If you will excuse me, it's my turn to dance with Aunt Tally.”

  “Lucky dog,” Roger replied noncommittally.

  Lottie passed by BoomBoom and hissed. “You're a real shit to fix up Harry with Diego. You want Fair back.”

  BoomBoom turned on her heel. “Lottie, you are so small and so off course. I ought to smack you right in the mouth.”

  “You've got a violent streak. You had it in high school. Go ahead. Just go ahead,” Lottie baited her.

  Roger grabbed Lottie by the elbow. “Come on, Lots. Let's talk.”

  “No.” She shook him off.

  Roger stood there for a moment, indecisive, then walked away, a slight sway to his gait.

  “Lottie, don't be an ass. I put Harry and Diego together because I knew he loved farming. How was I to know they'd hit it off? Because you're unhappy you don't want anyone else to be happy.”

  “Bitch.” Lottie's voice rose a bit.

  “Yes,” Susan answered as a joke for she could overhear part of the exchange. “I can go from zero to bitch in three point six seconds. Ask my husband.”

  Lottie fixed her gaze on Susan standing with Cooper, then decided to allow Roger to lead her away. The two women joined BoomBoom.

  “You certainly have an effect on women.” Cooper laughed at BoomBoom.

  “Usually negative.” She smiled, though, as Thomas was returning to her.

  “She'll wear us all out.” He indicated Aunt Tally.

  “First woman to fly a plane in Albemarle County as well as other things,” Susan remarked.

  Under the long table inside the house Pewter had fallen fast asleep. Stuffed with turkey, ham, smoked salmon, and other delicacies, she needed a snooze to aid her digestion. Tucker lay beside her, a little bubble escaping her lips.

  Murphy sampled everything but she wasn't a big eater. She'd walked back into the kitchen.

  The caterer's assistant fussed over the large silver samovar, filling it with coffee. He sniped at one of the kids. “Keep the coffee coming—for obvious reasons.”

  “Crab.” Murphy curled her tail around her as she watched.

  “Be sure
and put out the raw sugar. I noticed most of it was gone.”

  “Yes, sir,” Brooks Tucker, Susan and Ned's daughter, said. She walked through the pantry filled with china and silver to go back to the kitchen. She carried the near-empty silver sugar bowl, which she filled with raw sugar, hurrying back to the dining room to put it on the table. Another sugar bowl with cubed white sugar was on the table. That, too, was getting used up fast. Honey was also on the table. She wondered if Aunt Tally would mind if she filled up a few nonmatching bowls with sugar to meet the demand but forgot about it as Chef Ted, the caterer himself, called for her to come back in and take a tray of moist carrot cake out.

  “Want to help me, Mrs. Murphy?” Brooks asked.

  “Sure.” The cat trotted after Brooks, then remained in the dining room sitting on the fireplace mantel so she could see everything.

  Back out on the dance floor, Diego inadvertently bumped Fair as the dark man danced yet another dance with Harry.

  “Watch it, buddy, and while you're at it you could move away from my wife.”

  “I am not your wife.” Harry was appalled.

  Fair then tapped Diego on the shoulder. Diego quizzically looked to Harry, who indicated she'd dance with Fair. They didn't dance so much as they quietly moved back and forth. Neither one said a word.

  Diego joined BoomBoom, Thomas, and Susan, who gave the men a two-sentence description of the marriage and its unraveling.

  “They were high-school sweethearts. They got married and, well, it didn't work.”

  “Ah, I see,” Diego said with some feeling. “He seems still to care.”

  “He does,” Susan flatly stated. “He wants her back. She was the best thing that ever happened to him and he lost her. Those things happen.”

  “To lose Harry would be quite a loss,” Diego murmured.

  “Everyone grows at their own rate.” BoomBoom had no desire to remain on this topic.

  Susan understood, of course. Their attention was diverted by Sean propelling his brother back into the house.

  “She's not interested,” Sean said with the little group overhearing.

  “She is, too. You don't get women, Sean,” Roger said.

  The music ended and Diego walked out, taking Harry's hand. Fair stood there a moment.

  “M-m-m, I can see steam coming out of those ears,” Aunt Tally noticed, but then she noticed everything, most especially that Miranda Hogendobber was happier than she'd seen her since girlhood and Tracy Raz looked twenty years younger. They were obviously in love.

  Sean sat Roger down and got him a cup of coffee. Many people crowded around the table for coffee and tea. The desserts had been brought out.

  Mrs. Murphy thought about waking up Pewter and Tucker but they were sound asleep. She noted from her high position how many of the men had bald spots.

  Roger was loaded, but not as loaded as Sean made out. After all, he could still recognize people, he could still speak. He drank his cup of coffee in silence.

  Sean bent over, whispering to Lottie now at the desserts. She glanced at Roger, then sighed.

  “It would mean so much,” Sean said. “And he could use a second cup.”

  Mrs. Murphy watched as Lottie picked up a piece of Black Forest cake, then moved over to the samovar, poured a cup of coffee. She reached for the cubed sugar in a silver bowl. She paused for a second, and Thomas just behind her handed her the china bowl with raw sugar. He had just dipped a spoon into it but being a gentleman he handed it to Lottie first. She dumped three heaping spoonfuls of sugar into the cup and turned to hand it back to Thomas just as he reached for it. She lost her grip and the bowl clattered to the floor, breaking and spilling sugar all over the random-width heart-pine flooring.

  “I am sorry,” Lottie said.

  “I'm the clumsy one. This gives me the opportunity to ask you for a dance when you're finished with dessert.” He smoothed over the incident.

  “I won't be long.” Lottie smiled and hoped it would upset BoomBoom.

  People noticed and approved as she walked over to Roger, handing him the coffee and the cake. “Roger, I'm sorry I was cross but sometimes you're a pest. Try to think of less blunt ways to approach women, all right?”

  He liked the idea of being served and said in a low voice, “I'm like a bull in a china shop. But really, Lottie, we'd have a good time if you'd go with me to the ball. I promise not to drink. I'll buy you a corsage and, well—it took me a long time to work up my nerve.”

  “It did?”

  “Yes, you scare me half to death.” He sipped the coffee. “Just because I'm a pest doesn't mean I'm not scared.”

  “Well—let me think about it while I dance with Thomas Steinmetz.”

  “I'll sit right here. I won't move.” He smiled genuinely for the first time that afternoon.

  “Some men really don't get it,” Mrs. Murphy thought to herself. “It's one thing to show a woman you like her. It's another thing to push her. Men need to be a little mysterious. They ought to study cats.”

  The party rolled on and a few more men asked Lottie to dance. Aunt Tally danced every dance.

  When Lottie returned to Roger he was fast asleep, his head resting on his chest.

  “Roger. Roger.” She shook him. “Roger, you lazy sod, wake up,” she said lightheartedly. “Roger.” Lottie stepped back. “Oh, my God.”

  Little Mim came over and without thinking said, “What'd you put in his coffee? He's out cold.”

  “He's either passed out or—dead.” Lottie's face registered horror.

  “Oh, Lottie, don't be a drama queen. He's been drinking since the parade.” Little Mim grabbed his arm to pull him up. “He's warm. Really.” With a touch of disgust and determination she gave him a yank and he pitched forward, falling flat on his face.

  Little Mim looked at Roger and back at Lottie. “Roger!”

  Mrs. Murphy jumped off the mantel, ran under the table, and woke up Pewter and Tucker. Tucker hurried over to Roger, sniffed, then backed away.

  Cynthia Cooper was brought in from the dance floor. She walked into the room thinking he was out cold. She felt for a pulse in his neck. Nothing. She tried again. By now other guests were gathering around. She pressed her forefinger and middle finger on his neck again. Nothing. “He's dead.”

  10

  Why does everything happen to me?” Tally grumbled as she watched her guests struggle with the situation.

  Then again, what does a hostess do when someone dies at her party? Dispose of the corpse after the festivities? Haul him out and dump him on the lawn so no one has to look at him? Comfort the family members? But years of cotillion plus years of running Crozet before stepping aside for her niece had given Tally a sure touch.

  She listened as the ambulance wailed about a mile away. In the quiet of the country sounds carried.

  “Ladies and gentlemen, if you would all repair to the garden, please.” She nodded to Ned Tucker, who shepherded them out the opened French doors. Then she walked over to Sean, leaning against the chair in which Roger had been sitting before Little Mim yanked him off of it. Sean's mouth hung slack. “Sean, come over here and sit with me.” The nonagenarian led the tall, lean man into the formal living room. Big Mim helped her as they gently sat him on the peach-colored satin Hepplewhite sofa.

  “Aunt Tally, I'll get the door.”

  “Thank you, dear.”

  But Cynthia Cooper reached it first, opening it for Diana Robb and her Crozet Rescue Squad assistants, Dick and Susan Montjoy. Big Mim joined them as they walked over to the body.

  Diana said under her breath to Cynthia and Big Mim, “I knew the coke would kill him sooner or later.”

  “I had no idea,” Big Mim whispered, surprised since she thought she knew everything about everybody.

  Cooper shrugged. “People use the better part of their intelligence hiding their habits. I see it every day.”

  “Yes, I guess you do,” a troubled Mim replied. “Sean's in a state of shock. I wonder if he knew.


  As Diana and Dick carefully lifted Roger into the body bag and then onto the gurney, Big Mim quietly walked into the formal room.

  “Sean.” Aunt Tally patted his hand. “Sean, honey, they're taking Roger away.”

  Big Mim leaned over. “I know this is difficult. Is there a funeral home you—”

  He jerked his head up. “Hill and Woods.”

  “Yes. I'll go tell them.” She paused a moment longer. “For the sake of your health, Sean, you might want to request an autopsy.”

  He dropped his head into his hands. “No. I don't want anyone cutting my brother.”

  Tally and Big Mim exchanged glances and then Big Mim returned to Diana Robb and the Montjoys. “Hill and Woods. Tell them Sean's in no condition to make decisions at this moment.”

  “Okay.” Diana rolled out the gurney as Susan opened the door.

  When the door shut, Big Mim folded her hands together, her seven-carat emerald ring shining like green fire. “I wish he'd order an autopsy. When young people die like that you want to know. It could run in the family.”

  “Yes, but when young people do drugs, especially cocaine, it wreaks havoc on the body,” Cooper said.

  “The only thing I ever saw Roger do was drink beer and bourbon, a bit too much of it.” The older, perfectly groomed woman stared out the front window, watching as Diana shut the ambulance door.

  “That's just it. You don't see people do these things. Albemarle County is a wealthy, wealthy county, Mrs. Sanburne. You can buy anything here and there's a group that does drugs. They know one another and they protect one another,” the deputy whispered.

  “But surely we'd have some sign, Cynthia. A deterioration of behavior. A sudden drop in weight or the reverse. He seemed so normal. Not the most brilliant man but well—normal.”

  “He was.” She sighed. “Now, I can't prove he took cocaine, but we have Diana's word on it and she's rarely wrong.” She thought a moment. “Some people can take a line or two of cocaine and enjoy it just like some people can take a drink or two. One of the reasons the anti-drug campaign doesn't work is it really doesn't tell people the truth. It just demonizes drugs instead of explaining that different people have different chemistries. One person can drink and not become an alcoholic and another is lost with one drink. There's so much we don't know and it would appear we don't want to know.”

 

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