The Shape of Us

by Lisa Ireland

  She entered her password and clicked the page open.

  Nothing. There were no new posts at all.

  She let out a long breath and slumped down in her chair. She’d expected Jewels to come back all guns firing, or for one of the others to speak up in her defence. She hadn’t expected complete silence.

  It was stupid to be so disappointed over a lack of communication from people she barely knew, but she was. She wasn’t sure why she was so surprised. After all, she’d seen the posts and hadn’t responded. Not that she’d had time today but even if she’d been lazing about at home she probably wouldn’t have had the courage to stick up for Jewels. She abhorred confrontation and did her best to avoid it. Ellie had a fair bit of experience with bullies and she knew Shelley’s type well. First they lure you in with offers of friendship and then they systematically tear you apart with their ‘helpful’ advice, which is designed to make sure you know just how truly inadequate you are.

  Ellie wished she could forget all about secondary school but sadly the memories were still painfully clear. Shy, bookish and two stone overweight, Ellie wasn’t exactly high up in the social pecking order. Her longing for friendship made her vulnerable and more than once she’d been lured into friendships that made her feel even less secure about her place in the world than she already did.

  It had started with Millie, who’d been her best friend since primary school. Ellie had zeroed in on the shy, skinny new girl on the day she started at Haldon Primary School. Millie’s oversized glasses and unfashionable clothes marked her as a fellow misfit. They bonded over a shared love of books and the knowledge that nobody else would want to sit with either of them. They’d been inseparable for a few years, and Ellie found she no longer minded so much that kids moved away when she sat next to them or that sometimes she swore she could hear a mooing sound coming from behind her. Having Millie to walk to school with, to sit next to at lunch and to share all her secrets with made all of that bearable.

  But then they’d moved on to the grammar school and Millie had developed hips, breasts and a sudden authority about what was cool and what wasn’t. At first she’d tried to drag Ellie along with her, tearing diet tips out of her mum’s magazines and imploring Ellie to try colouring her hair. But her efforts to make Ellie acceptable to the popular crowd failed dismally. Ellie’s weight remained unchanged and the attempts at blonde hair left her with a mop of orange coloured frizz that Mum had to pay thirty pounds to the hairdresser on the high street to fix.

  The day Millie fronted up to school wearing cornflower blue coloured contact lenses, Ellie knew the end was in sight. It wasn’t long before Millie was too busy to go to the library after school or even to take Ellie’s calls.

  But that wasn’t the worst of it. Millie used her insider knowledge to give the others in her new group the ammunition to tear Ellie apart. The day she found ‘fat leso’ scrawled on her locker in permanent marker she thought she saw a flash of remorse behind the coloured lenses in Millie’s eyes, but maybe that was just wishful thinking.

  Bloody hell, she wasn’t at school anymore. This was ridiculous. There were people in this group she felt a connection with. People she hoped she could talk to about how she felt and what it was like to be her. Was she really going to give up on the group, let the whole thing disintegrate because of one little incident that didn’t actually involve her?

  Her fingers hovered over the keyboard. What should she write? Maybe she should just ignore the posts from Shelley and Jewels and go on as if nothing had happened. But what if Jewels left or was banned? Ellie had hoped to confide in her about her dream of becoming a mother. She and Jewels were facing some of the same obstacles. They both needed to lose weight before conceiving and it was possible they would both need assistance to get pregnant. It would be really nice to have someone to share all that with. Jenn certainly wasn’t up for talking about it at this point.

  Maybe she needed to stick up for Jewels and tell Shelley she was being a bully. How many times had she wished someone would stick up for her at school?

  She remembered Laura had in the beginning. The Millie incident had brought the two of them together, and she’d thought Laura was the love of her life. She’d comforted Ellie and told her she deserved better. When they shared their first kiss in Laura’s black and red themed bedroom, Ellie had thought her heart would burst. She hadn’t realised she was just a tool in Laura’s eyes. A means to an end, if you like. She’d taken Ellie’s virginity and championed gay rights in the school as a means to gaining the attention of a much cooler girl in the class a year ahead of them. Laura was the second person that Ellie had trusted with her inner self and also the second who’d torn her apart. Ellie had vowed that one day she’d belong in the cool group, but at that point she hadn’t worked out how.

  The ping of the microwave startled her. She left her desk and headed back to the kitchen to sort her meal. She tipped out the chicken cacciatore – or as WON called it, ‘Chicken Delight’ (more like ‘Chicken Disaster’ by the look of it) – into a bowl and went to pour herself a wine. It wasn’t until she started to pour that she remembered she didn’t have enough exercise tokens to allow for a wine indulgence.

  Bollocks.

  As she poured the half glass of Pinot Grigio down the sink her phone rang. Jenn’s name flashed on the screen. She smiled as she answered. ‘Hi, sweetie. How are things?’

  ‘Hot and hectic. Let’s just say things are not going as smoothly as we’d hoped. How are things there?’ Jenn’s voice faded in and out.

  ‘Fine. Leonard and I miss you, though. Can’t wait for Wednesday night.’

  ‘Oh, babe, I’m sorry. That’s what I’m ringing about. There’s been a change of plans.’

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘Yeah. There’s a by-election coming up in Victoria in a couple of weeks. The party wants the big guns down there campaigning for a couple of days, so we’re going to fly straight into Melbourne.’

  ‘But . . . that’s not . . .’

  ‘My job? Yeah, I know. But the minister doesn’t want to waste the whole week on party hoopla. We’re going to work on some policy stuff in between her appearances.’

  ‘So when are you coming home?’

  ‘Friday night, hopefully, depending on how the schedule pans out. Saturday morning at the latest. I’ll let you know as soon as I know. Okay?’

  ‘Fine.’ Her tone was harsher than she intended. She didn’t want to play the part of the nagging girlfriend, but her disappointment was too great to conceal.

  ‘Ellie, don’t be like that. I’m sorry. You know I’d much rather be home with you.’

  That was the thing. She didn’t know that. Jenn was away so often for work, and half the time she barely had time to call. At the moment their relationship was, for the most part, being conducted via text message.

  ‘Ellie? Are you still there?’

  ‘Yes. Look, sorry, but I’m just in the middle of serving up dinner. If you don’t mind terribly I think I’ll go. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.’

  She ended the call, grabbed her unappetising dinner and headed back to her desk. This really wasn’t the life she’d anticipated when she’d moved out here to be with Jenn.

  There was no way she could give up on this fledgling little group of friends she’d made. There had to be some way to keep the group connected without letting a bully spoil all the fun.

  Suddenly the answer came to her. Ellie pushed her bowl to one side and began to type.

  Chapter Five

  User Ellie Phant: Private Message to Users Mezz, Princess Jewels and Kitty Kat

  Monday September 7 2015

  Hi everyone,

  I hope you don’t mind me privately messaging you all. I have a few things I want to say and a suggestion that I didn’t want to make in the main forum.

  First of all, Jewels, I want to say I think Shelley is a complete pain in t
he backside and I really don’t blame you for what you said to her. I feel so bad that I didn’t publicly support you, I have to admit to being a coward in situations like this. Shelley is a bully and I’ve been bullied before. I’m ashamed to admit this, Jewels, but I didn’t stand up to her because I was afraid she’d turn on me. It’s ridiculous. I am a grown woman and should be able to stand up for myself and my friends, but I just froze when I saw her attacking you. Anyway, please know you have my support, and if you would like me to say something publicly, or report her to the admin, I will.

  This is probably going to sound strange to you all, but when Shelley said she was reporting Jewels I started to panic. I know this will sound pathetic, but in the short time I have been a part of the forum I have come to rely on you all and I would really miss you three in particular if the group didn’t exist. This is hard to admit but I don’t have many friends here in Australia and there’s definitely no one else in my life I feel comfortable talking to about my weight issues.

  However, I don’t feel like I can be my true self in the main forum because of Shelley, and to be honest Belle makes me a bit nervous too. There are things about me that I’m worried a ‘good Christian’ such as Belle might object to, and it’s hard not being able to be my real self with you all.

  So, here’s my idea. What if we set up our own chatroom/forum/blog? Just the four of us. Even though I’d never participated in forums much until I joined WON, I’m not a novice with technology. I’m the administrator of the National Gallery’s blog, so I’m sure I could design a simple forum for us all to post in. I’d make sure it was password protected and only visible to the four of us.

  I know we still have to post in the forum once a week to comply with the program rules but there’s nothing to stop us from recording our losses there and keeping all the personal stuff for our own personal blog/forum.

  What do you think? Are any of you interested?

  Cheers,

  Ellie

  User Princess Jewels: Private Message to Users Ellie Phant, Mezz and Kitty Kat

  Monday September 7 2015

  OMG, Ellie, that is an AWESOME idea!! I am totally in!

  Don’t worry about not saying anything publicly to Shelley. She’s so not worth worrying yourself about.

  You honestly don’t know how happy this idea has made me. I’ve had such a shitty day (and eaten everything in sight!) I was almost ready to throw in the towel on the whole program, but now you’ve got me all motivated again.

  Dying to hear what Kat and Mezz think.

  Love and kisses, Jewels xox

  PS I’m dying to know all your unchristian secrets LOL!

  User Kitty Kat: Private Message to Users Ellie Phant, Princess Jewels and Mezz

  Monday September 7 2015

  I’m definitely in too. Thanks for thinking of this idea, Ellie, and also for including me. I know exactly what you mean about not having anyone to talk to, especially about being overweight. I live in a small town and it seems like most of the people who live here were born here. I’ve only lived here for a couple of years and I feel like I’m a bit of an outsider. It doesn’t help that I wasn’t born in Australia. I’ve been here since I was fourteen and I could already speak some English before I came. I honestly don’t think I even have an accent anymore but to some people here I’ll always be a foreigner. Not one of them. The girls I work with are nice, but most of them are younger than me and they’re still at that stage of life where all they think about is boys, buying clothes and going out on the weekend. We don’t have a lot in common. In fact my only real friend is my elderly next door neighbour.

  I’m rambling. Sorry.

  Kat x

  ★

  Early Tuesday morning Mezz sipped her coffee and stared at the messages on the screen. It was unusually quiet in the surgery. Her nine fifteen had cancelled and she didn’t have another patient booked in until nine forty-five. She’d told Robyn that she was going to catch up on some paperwork but as always all her admin work was completely up to date. Instead she was using the time to read posts in the WON forum, which she hadn’t logged into since Sunday night, and even then she’d only managed a quick weigh-in update. She hadn’t had the chance to read through the others’ posts properly.

  The weekend had been a wipe-out as far as getting any time to herself was concerned. It was her turn to take Saturday morning surgery and then she’d spent the afternoon catching up on housework. Despite the fact Sean was at home every day he never managed to get more than the most basic chores done. By Saturday the house looked like a complete dump. Sean implored her to let it go and join him and the younger boys on a bike ride, but she couldn’t stand the mess another minute longer. She vacuumed and dusted, cleared the house of cobwebs and washed all the windows before ironing and folding all the school uniforms. By the end of the day she was too exhausted to cook and Sean refused to do any meal preparation on the weekends so they’d ended up at Tildan’s one and only restaurant other than the pub – Uncle Leo’s House of Pizza. There was absolutely nothing on the menu that constituted a WON-friendly meal so she’d splurged on pizza and wine. Luckily she’d still managed to record a loss despite her slip-up.

  She’d missed all the goings-on between Jewels and Shelley. That Shelley was a piece of work. She’d probably fit in well here with The Ponytails. Poor Jewels. She was such a sweet thing usually. Clearly Shelley had got under her skin one time too many.

  A group with just the four of them was tempting, but Mezz wasn’t convinced. What if one of the others turned out to be loony? They all seemed nice enough but what did she really know about these women? Was opening up to strangers on the internet a risk she was prepared to take? Then again, if she said no, she’d be left with just Belle to talk to in the 30+ group. Other members of the forum were free to drop-in on their group but so far no one had, apart from the hideous Shelley of course. And Belle would soon qualify for the 20+ group, so once that happened she’d be all alone. In any case, if Ellie, Kat and Jewels took their posts offline the forum just wouldn’t be the same. It had only been just over a week but she already felt somewhat attached to Ellie in particular. And Jewels had been so kind to her, messaging her every day to make sure she was on track. She hadn’t had too much to do with Kat yet, but after today’s message she was curious to find out more about her: where she’d come from originally and how it was she’d ended up living on the New South Wales coast.

  To hell with it. How much more risky than posting in the WON forum could this be? She didn’t have to give them any personal information if she didn’t want to. She’d say yes now and if it turned out to be a mistake she could always leave.

  User Mezz: Private Message to Users Kitty Kat, Princess Jewels and Ellie Phant

  Tuesday September 8 2015

  I’m in too! I’m at work right now so can’t send a long message, but I’m looking forward to getting to know all of you a little better and to us all supporting each other as we lose weight.

  Mezz

  She hesitated for a second and then pressed send. There. It was done. Hopefully this wouldn’t turn out to be a mistake.

  As the intercom on her phone buzzed, she shut the tab to the WON forum and opened a work-related one. ‘Yes, Robyn?’

  ‘Sorry to disturb you, Meredith, but your nine forty-five appointment is here early. I was wondering if you wanted me to send her in?’

  Mezz clicked open her schedule and saw the name Melissa Daniels highlighted in red, signifying a new patient. She’d also booked a long consultation.

  ‘Yeah, Robyn, that’d be good. Might as well get ahead if we can.’

  She put down the receiver and headed to the door so she could welcome the new patient. Just as she popped her head out she saw Robyn directing a woman towards her room. She smiled and waved. The woman smiled tentatively and made her way down the hallway.

  Mezz thrust
out her hand, which the woman took and shook firmly. ‘Melissa, is it? I’m Meredith. Please come in and take a seat.’

  She watched as Melissa lowered herself into the chair next to her desk and noted a couple of things. At a guess the woman was in her late twenties or perhaps early thirties. She seemed stressed, anxious even. There was a faint sheen of perspiration on her forehead and Mezz could hear her breathing. ‘I see you are a new patient. Are you new to town?’ Mezz said as she sat down beside her.

  Melissa shook her head. ‘No. I live over in Penshurst. I’m not comfortable talking to my current GP about what I’ve come in for today. I wanted to see a female doctor.’ Her cheeks reddened. ‘Also, I’d heard you might be sympathetic to my situation.’

  Poor thing. She was clearly embarrassed. Mezz smiled in what she hoped was a comforting way. ‘Seeing as you are new to us here, I’ll start by taking a history, if that’s okay? Once we’re done we can get onto what brings you here today.’

  Melissa nodded and Mezz swivelled her chair around so she could type in the answers as she went down the practice’s standard history sheet. It only took a minute or so to establish that her new patient was thirty-one years of age, a non-smoker and in reasonable health apart from a history of high blood pressure.

  ‘While you’re here I’ll get a blood pressure reading, just so I have one on record, but we can do that later. First, tell me what brings you here today,’ Mezz said.

  Melissa’s gaze dropped to the floor. ‘This is kind of embarrassing, but I think, I mean I hope you’ll understand where I’m coming from being . . . well, you know . . . um . . .’

  ‘There’s no need to be embarrassed. Whatever it is, I’m sure we can work it out together.’

  Melissa’s gaze flicked upwards. ‘Okay, I’m here to ask you for a referral to a weight loss surgeon. I know there’s no one locally who does it – I’ve done my research – but I’ve found a surgeon in Geelong who does it and my private health insurance will cover me for the bulk of it so if you could just write me a referral . . .’