by Lisa Ireland
‘Because actions speak louder than words, that’s why. I can’t remember the last time we had sex.’
He shook his head. ‘You just don’t get it, do you? Whether or not we are having sex has nothing to do with the shape of your body.’
‘Well, regardless, it is my body and I have to make the decision that I think is best for me.’
With that he’d walked out of the kitchen and out of the house, slamming the front door behind him.
Ever since there’d been a stalemate between them – one Mezz wasn’t sure they could break. Clearly Sean wasn’t going to change his mind anytime soon and neither was she. She alternated between being heartbroken that it had come to this, and furious at him for having the audacity to tell her what she should do with her own body. She wanted to confide in her blog friends but none of them had been very supportive when she’d mentioned the surgery last time. What if they took Sean’s side? She’d made up her mind and she didn’t want to have to justify her decision to anyone. So she’d stayed away, occasionally logging in to see what the others were up to but never posting anything herself.
Perhaps now she should write a line or two to Ellie, to let her know she was thinking of her. But if she did that the others would all pile on, asking her what she’d been up to and why she hadn’t posted. Instead she opened up the world clock app on her phone. The sun wasn’t even up yet in London, but surely if Ellie was sleeping she’d have her phone turned off? She hadn’t posted her update very long ago so there was a good chance she was still awake.
Hey Ellie. It’s Mezz. R U awake?
A little bubble appeared, indicating Ellie was responding.
Mezz!!! So good to hear from u. Was worried. R U OK?
Darling Ellie. Always worrying about others even when she had problems of her own.
I’m fine. Can I call you?
Ellie’s response was swift.
I’ll call you!
Seconds later, Mezz’s mobile buzzed. ‘Ellie, how are you? I can’t believe this is happening to you.’
‘I know. Me either.’
‘How can she do this to you now? It’s Christmas and you’re on holidays.’ Mezz winced at the hypocrisy of her words. She’d dumped the surgery bombshell on Sean just a couple of weeks before Christmas.
‘To be fair, I pushed the envelope with the baby business, which was how the whole argument got started. She said she was going to wait until we got home, but to be honest if she’d done that I would have been pissed off that she’d known the whole time we were here and not said anything.’
‘So what are you going to do? Are you going to go to Washington?’
‘Honestly? I don’t know. Part of me thinks I’d be crazy to, but the other part of me wonders what the hell I’m going to do if I don’t go with her. I don’t want to live in Canberra on my own. I don’t know anyone there. But I can’t just come back here without a job.’
‘I’m sure you’ll get a job. It’s only been a couple of years. Surely you still have contacts in London?’
‘I guess. But, Mezz, I’ve been in a junior role for two years. There’s no way I can come back and expect to walk into the type of job I had before.’ Ellie’s voice began to waver. ‘I’ll be starting from the bottom again.’
‘Even if that’s true, it won’t take you long to work your way back up again.’
‘Maybe. But, it’s not just the job, you know? Here I was, planning a life with Jenn, blissfully thinking about babies. I thought we’d be together forever. That was my plan. Be with Jenn, work, be happy and be a family. Even if she didn’t want kids I could accept that, I think, but this has thrown me for six. She doesn’t see me as her family at all. I think she loves me, in her way, but that only goes so far, you know? In her world I exist to make her happy. She doesn’t seem to care if I’m happy or not.’ Ellie was openly crying now.
‘Oh El, I’m so sorry. I wish there was something I could do to help.’
‘You have. You are. Talking helps. At least I feel like there’s someone in this world who cares about me. I don’t know what I ever did before I met you lot.’ She sniffed and paused for a second and when she spoke again her voice was steadier. ‘Which reminds me. What’s going on with you, Mezz? Where have you been? We’ve all been worried about you. At first we figured you were just busy, but when you didn’t respond to our Christmas greetings I started to get really concerned. Is something wrong? Did one of us upset you?’
Mezz didn’t know what to say. ‘No, of course not. I’ve just been, um . . . busy.’
‘Yeah? I thought you were taking holidays from the twentieth of December?’
‘Oh yes, but there was Christmas and the kids have had things on and . . .’
‘That’s never stopped you from posting before. You’re one of the busiest people I know and yet you always make time for our blog. Come on, Mezz, something’s up. You can tell me.’
Ellie was on to her. She may as well come clean. ‘Look, Ellie, you know I love you all, but I have some things going on in my life right now that I don’t think I can share with you.’
‘Oh, Mezz, I’m sorry to hear that, but you know we’re all here for you, don’t you? It doesn’t matter what it is, we’ll support you. I know we haven’t known each other for that long really, but look at all the things we’ve been through together already. Kat’s break-up, Jewels’ infertility issues and now my . . . whatever this is I’ve got going on. I’m not trying to pressure you to tell us anything you don’t want to, but I want you to know we’ll be here if you need us.’
‘Not for this you won’t.’
‘What do you mean? You haven’t topped Sean and buried him in the garden, have you?’ Ellie laughed in an attempt to lighten the mood.
‘Not yet. Look, Ellie, I don’t want to hijack this conversation to talk about my problems. I’m supposed to be comforting you.’
‘Don’t be silly. We have talked about me. Now I want to know about you. Friendship is a two-way street, you know.’
Mezz bit her lip. Maybe she could tell Ellie. Jewels had been vocal in her disapproval of the surgery and now Kat was on this massive health kick she was bound to be against it too, but Ellie was the most sensible one of the group. She might listen. And it would be good to have someone she could confide in, especially seeing as she and Sean still weren’t talking. ‘Okay. But I want you to promise me you won’t say anything to the others.’
There was a brief pause on the other end of the line before Ellie replied, ‘Okay, if that’s what you want.’
Mezz sucked in a deep breath for courage. ‘I’ve booked in for my weight loss surgery. I’ve decided to go ahead with it. I haven’t posted on the blog because I know none of you agree with this decision and I don’t want any of you trying to talk me out of it. I’ve done my research. It’s what I want and I’m happy with my decision. It’s bad enough that Sean’s pissed off at me. I couldn’t bear it if you all started lecturing me on what a bad choice I’m making too.’ After blurting this out all in the one breath, Mezz paused for moment, which gave Ellie the opportunity to cut in.
‘Whoa, whoa. What makes you think we’d do that?’
‘Because when we were all together at the beach house I talked about it and not one of you had anything positive to say about it. Then when I mentioned it again on the blog you all said it was too risky. I’m under so much pressure at home, Ellie, I can’t put myself in another position where I have to defend my decision. It’s not that I’m angry with any of you or upset. I’m just protecting myself.’
‘Oh sweetheart, I understand that, but you won’t have to defend your decision with us.’
‘That’s not true. I already have.’
‘But we were just talking about it then. Just thinking out loud. You hadn’t made any decision. We know you’re not an idiot, Mezz. If you think this is the best course for you we’ll suppo
rt you one hundred per cent. Well, at least I will. But I’m sure you’ll find the others feel the same way if you give them the chance.’
Ellie’s words brought tears to Mezz’s eyes. The relief at having just one person to talk to about this was enormous. She wasn’t sure Jewels and Kat would react the same way, though. ‘Thank you so much for saying that. You have no idea what your support means to me, Ellie.’
‘Of course you have my support. What are friends for? So, what about the others? Are you going to tell them?’
‘I don’t know if I can. I don’t want them to see me as a failure. And I don’t want them to try to talk me out of it. I can’t come back to the blog without them knowing, though. It’s too hard not to be honest. I’d feel like a fraud posting there.’
‘What if I messaged them both first and asked them how they felt about it? What if I told them why you’re not posting? That way they’re not blindsided by your news and I can make sure that they know you’re concerned about their responses. Obviously I can’t speak for anyone but myself, but I’d be shocked if either of them gave you less than their full support.’
Mezz contemplated Ellie’s idea, but quickly rejected it. She was being silly. Sean’s reaction had shaken her and now she was being a coward. This was her decision and she needed to own it. She would tell the others and give them the chance to prove her wrong. If they supported her she would be thrilled. If not, she would stay away from the blog, at least until after the surgery was done. ‘Thanks, Ellie, but no. If anyone tells them it should be me. I’ll post something soon. Maybe tomorrow. Hopefully they’ll be as fabulous about it as you have.’
‘I think that’s a great decision.’
‘So what about you? What are you going to do?’
‘Right now I’m going upstairs to bed. Hopefully Jenn will be asleep. Tomorrow I guess we’ll talk some more. I really don’t know what the outcome of that will be.’
‘Well, I’m here if you need me. Day or night. I don’t care if you wake me up. I’m a doctor, remember? I’m used to getting calls in the middle of the night. So if you need a friend to talk to, I’m here.’
‘Thanks, Mezz, I appreciate that. Love you.’
Mezz felt a tear slide down her cheek. ‘Love you too.’
★
FAT CHAT | Monday Dec. 28 2015 | Mezz
Hello all and a belated Merry Christmas!
I’m so sorry I’ve been AWOL these past few weeks. I’ve been a great big chicken to be honest. I have news to tell you and I’m not sure how you will take it. Instead of just telling you and dealing with whatever you might have had to say I decided it was easier to avoid you all, so I apologise for that. After a long talk on the phone yesterday with our darling Ellie I’ve decided to be brave and confess to you all here.
Okay, here goes!
I’ve decided to have weight loss surgery. I’m booked in for the 12th of January. I figured now that I’ve made up my mind there’s no point delaying it. Also, the locum who is covering my Christmas holidays is fortunately able to extend her stay, so that should keep Barry happy, or at least stop him from complaining too much. I have to go to Melbourne for the operation as there isn’t anyone who does it locally. I’ve found a surgeon in Melbourne who comes highly recommended – the one I visited before our weekend away – and he operates at St Vincent’s Private Hospital in Fitzroy. If all goes well I’ll be in hospital for around three nights and after that I’m going to stay at the Park Hyatt for ten days, as the surgeon wants me to stay close by in case there are complications.
Sean is very unsupportive of this decision and he’s stopped speaking to me. I don’t care (well, I do, but not enough for me not to go through with the surgery). It’s my body and I truly believe this is the best decision I can make for my ongoing health. When the surgeon’s assistant took my blood pressure it was through the roof, so much so that he advised me to see my GP as soon as I got home for monitoring. But of course I didn’t because I don’t have a GP. I’m too embarrassed to go to the other doctor in our practice because of my size and there’s no one else close by. So instead of getting proper medical care I took my own pressure and then used the drug samples I get from the pharmaceutical reps to medicate myself. All of which is highly unprofessional and unethical. I’m ashamed of myself to be honest.
I’m telling you all this because I want you to know that I’m not taking this decision lightly. It’s not about being a size ten (although that’d be nice!), it’s about taking control of my health and my life before things get too out of hand. I know that surgery is not something that any of you would consider for yourselves and that’s okay, I’m not asking you to. I’m just asking you to understand that for me it is the right decision.
If you don’t think you can support me, or if you would prefer I no longer post in here, I will totally understand.
Love Mezz x
There. It was done. Now she just needed to wait and see what Jewels and Kat had to say. Mezz’s stomach twisted in knots as she refreshed the page several times, looking for new posts. Which was ridiculous, because even if the other two were sitting right in front of their computers they wouldn’t have had time to read her post all the way through yet, let alone post a response.
She decided to go make a coffee and see what the boys were up to. When she’d come into the study an hour ago Max was still sleeping and the younger two were eating breakfast whilst watching a DVD. According to Liam, Sean had gone for a run. He’d neglected to tell her he was leaving. Obviously the kid wrangling was her job this morning and he’d be even more pissed off with her if he came home and found them all glued to screens.
She grabbed the remote from the coffee table and flicked off the TV. ‘Okay, you two, time to get dressed.’
‘Muuuum!’ Liam wailed. ‘We were just up to the good bit.’
‘You can finish watching it this afternoon. After four o’clock. Remember our holiday rule? No screens between ten and four.’
The two of them looked at her with dark, angry eyes. Liam muttered under his breath while Archie thumped the couch’s armrest, but thankfully they both got up, picked up their cereal bowls and headed to the kitchen.
Waking Max up was less successful.
‘Come on buddy, it’s time to get up.’
His eyes opened momentarily and he gave her a blank stare before closing them and rolling over.
‘Max, come on. I’m not kidding. You need to get up.’
‘Go away!’
‘Don’t be like that. It’s really late. You can’t stay in bed all day.’
He rolled back over and looked at her. ‘Why not? I don’t have to go to school. There’s no law against staying in bed, is there?’
‘Well, no. There isn’t but I’d like you to get up and get dressed.’
‘Why?’
He had her there. She really had no compelling reason other than the fact that Sean hated to see the kids lazing about and right now she wanted to avoid giving Sean any extra reason to be annoyed. In some ways it was actually easier for her if Max stayed where he was. At least he wasn’t annoying the other two or throwing a tantrum about his foods touching on the plate or some other perceived disaster. ‘Because I’d like you to. It would make me happy.’
‘I don’t care if you are happy. I’m happy here.’
She sighed and backed out of his room. Some battles just weren’t worth it. He’d get up eventually. She checked that the other two were actually getting dressed before making herself a coffee and slipping back into her study.
As soon as she refreshed the blog page she could see there were two responses waiting for her. Her heart beat double time as she began to read.
FAT CHAT | Monday Dec. 28 2015 | Kat
Dearest Mezz,
I’m so sorry you thought we would disapprove of your decision. Speaking for myself I would never presume to know what is
right for someone else in a matter like this.
The surgery is not something I would consider for myself, but that doesn’t mean I won’t support you. I am your friend. You have been so good and lovely to me throughout all my troubles. I would never turn my back on you, Mezz.
I’m sure you have done all your research and I know you are a very intelligent person, so I trust you know what you are doing.
I wish you all the very best with it.
Kat x
Mezz sipped her coffee and read Kat’s response a second time. No, it wasn’t a resounding endorsement of her choice, but it was respectful and that was all she could ask for. She knew that Kat wouldn’t approve but at least she hadn’t told Mezz she was being stupid, or tried to talk her out of her decision. So far so good. Now to see what Jewels had to say.
FAT CHAT | Monday Dec. 28 2015 | Jewels
Okay, you know I’m not one to mince words, so I’m just going to come out and say it. Mezz, I think having that surgery is batshit crazy! I mean, I don’t even want to think about what they’re going to do to your insides. Yikes, just the thought of being sliced open like that makes me shudder.
But you know what? That’s my problem, not yours. I’m a huge chicken when it comes to anything medical. I mean, I’m even terrified of having fertility treatment because I’m scared I might have to have daily injections. That’s how much of a sook I am.
Whether we like the idea or not is not the point. We’re not the ones doing it. If you think it’s the go for you, then good on you! I’m certainly not going to stand in your way.
Now that’s dealt with let’s get on to more important things. Who the hell is going to look after you while you’re in the hotel? That seems like a ridiculous idea to me. What happens if you get sick in the middle of the night? (Don’t tell me you’ll call room service. Do you know how long they take to get there?) When you’re sick you need your loved ones around you. Why don’t you come to stay with us? We have a very comfy spare room and I am an excellent nurse. Please give this some serious thought, Mezzie.