The Shape of Us

by Lisa Ireland

  ‘I don’t think so, Mezz. I can’t be with someone I don’t trust.’

  ‘Don’t trust? Why would you say that?’

  ‘First there was the “conference”,’ he said, using his fingers to make quotation marks in the air. ‘I don’t know if there was really a conference or not, but I do know you left the Park Hyatt three days before you came home. I have no idea what you were doing during those three days, but it was obviously something you didn’t want me to know about.’

  Her cheeks burned with humiliation. ‘How did you find out?’

  ‘Archie dropped my phone in the toilet and it died. I thought you’d be worried when you couldn’t contact me, and I couldn’t for the life of me remember your mobile number, so I called the hotel to tell you. The receptionist informed me you’d checked out earlier that day. I knew you were okay because you’d spoken to the kids on the landline. I waited for you to tell me the truth, but you never did.’

  ‘It’s not what you think. I went away on a girls’ weekend with some friends I met in an online weight loss program. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t think you’d approve. I was a little embarrassed to be honest. I’m not having an affair, Sean. I can get the girls to verify my story. Jewels, who I stayed with after the surgery, was one of them. She’s not really an old colleague like I told you. Anyway, that weekend after the conference, we went to her parents’ holiday home. In fact I might even have some photos on my phone . . .’ She picked up her handbag and started scrambling around in it, looking for her phone.

  ‘Don’t bother. I don’t care. It’s too late. And it’s not the only thing.’

  Mezz’s stomach was churning so badly she thought she might be sick. He was so sure, so steadfast in his belief that it was over between them, she wasn’t sure she could change his mind. ‘What else? I haven’t lied to you about anything else, I promise.’

  He shrugged. ‘If you say so. But it’s not just the deception, it’s your inability to think about anyone but yourself.’

  ‘How can you say that to me? I spend my life thinking about you and the kids.’

  ‘Really? Because it doesn’t seem that way. Take this bloody weight loss surgery for example. You decided that’s what you wanted. At some point you consulted a surgeon and made the decision this was what you were going to do and you presented it as a fait accompli.’

  ‘Because it’s my body and my decision to make,’ she yelled. ‘I don’t need your fucking permission to make decisions about my own health.’

  ‘Of course you don’t,’ he replied calmly. ‘But at no point did you include me in your decision making. Did you even think about the consequences for me, for the boys, if something had happened to you?’

  ‘Of course I did. I wouldn’t have chosen that path if there was an unacceptable risk.’

  He raised his eyebrows. ‘But that’s my point. You assessed the risk according to your comfort levels. You made the decision. You didn’t think about us. And it’s not just this, Mezz. Lately it feels more and more like the boys and I are a family and you’re just a visitor who deigns to grace us with your presence every now and then.’

  ‘That’s unfair. The boys are my world.’

  ‘Really? Tell me what Archie’s class project is about.’

  ‘I . . . that’s not . . . I mean . . .’ Mezz stuttered.

  ‘No? Let’s try an easier one then. Name three of Liam’s friends.’

  Mezz’s pulse thudded in her temple. He was right and she was ashamed, but it didn’t mean she didn’t love her kids. ‘Stop it. I’m not going to demean myself by answering quiz questions about my own children.’

  ‘Because you can’t. I’m sorry, my mind is made up. I’m essentially a single parent anyway. Might as well make it official.’

  ‘What do you mean? You’re taking the kids?’

  ‘I’m not taking anyone anywhere. This is their home. The boys shouldn’t be punished for our inadequacies.’

  ‘You want me to move out?’ Mezz’s voice rose with her escalating panic.

  ‘Eventually yes. But obviously that’s going to take a while for you to organise. In the meantime I thought you could move down to the guest cottage. It will make the transition easier for the boys. Obviously we need to sort out some financial stuff, and I think it’s probably best if we do that properly.’

  ‘You mean lawyers. You’re serious? You really want a divorce?’

  ‘I don’t know. Let’s just see how this goes, hey? I’m sorry, Mezz. I can’t see any other solution.’

  ‘But what will we tell the boys?’

  His eyes misted with tears for just a moment, but he blinked them back and answered in an emotionless voice. ‘We can fob Liam and Archie off with a story about me snoring and you needing your sleep so you can help sick people, but I think we should tell Max the truth, or at least a version of it. We can say we’re not getting along very well at the moment and you’ve decided to sleep down at the cottage while we try to sort things out.’

  ‘And are we?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Trying to sort things out?’

  He sighed. ‘Oh Mezz, don’t make this harder than it already is.’

  ★

  FAT CHAT | Tuesday Jan. 26 2016 | Kat

  Hi everyone!

  Just thought I’d pop in here and wish you all a very happy Australia Day! Ben’s taking Ami and me out for a picnic today. I wasn’t that keen on him spending too much time with Ami, because I don’t want her getting too attached in case things don’t work out, but I figure one outing every now and then is okay and it’s a gorgeous day here, so what better way to spend it than on a picnic rug with a gorgeous man?

  Hope you got home safe and sound, Mezz, and that you’re still feeling good. Make sure you’re getting proper amounts of protein. According to Ben and Tia that’s the secret to good health!

  Jewels, I haven’t managed to get my hands on the magazine yet, but I promise I’ll pick up a copy later in the week. How did it turn out?

  Ellie, how are things there? It must be awful still living in the apartment with Jenn when you both know it’s over. Big hugs, my love.

  I must go. Don’t want to be late for my man!

  Kat x

  FAT CHAT | Tuesday Jan. 26 2016 | Ellie

  Hi Lovelies,

  Sorry if I’ve been a bit quiet lately. I’m focused on tying up all the loose ends at work. I need a good reference from my boss so I can’t be seen to be slacking off.

  Jenn’s stayed away from the apartment as much as possible, which suits me to be honest. I can’t believe how icy our relationship has become. This is a woman I believed I would spend the rest of my life with and now my love for her has completely evaporated. I can barely recall what it was about her that drew me to her in the first place. It’s as if she was wearing this shiny cloak that hid all her faults and imperfections from me.

  Sorry I’m rambling . . .

  My point is things are okay with me. Not great but okay. I’m trying to look after myself. I’m going to yoga twice a week, walking to work each day and making time for a swim on the weekends. I feel reasonably calm considering. I’ve been eating well too. Not dieting, not tracking food or counting calories or anything like that, but I’m making sure I eat three decent meals a day and enjoying them. I’m not beating myself up over the odd treat either.

  I haven’t had any luck in the UK job market so far. I’m assured by my contacts over there that something will come up. I should be excited about the prospect of being able to apply for jobs in the world’s best galleries, but to be honest I feel like I’ve lost my mojo a bit. Maybe it’ll come back if the right job presents itself.

  Kat, sounds like everything is going really well for you right now. I’m so happy for you. Do you think Ben is someone you can see yourself with long-term, or is it too early for that sort of talk?
/>
  Jewels, I must try to get myself a copy of the magazine after work tomorrow. I’m dying to see how it turned out!

  Mezz, hope you are continuing to recover well now that you’re home and that Sean and the boys are taking good care of you.

  Ellie x

  FAT CHAT | Tuesday Jan. 26 2016 | Jewels

  Hi everyone,

  I’m writing this from the beach house. Our family always has a big Australia Day barbie with all the aunts, uncles and cousins. I’ve escaped the mayhem for a minute to write to you guys because I’m feeling really, really low.

  Yes, the magazine is out, thanks for asking and taking an interest. Unfortunately it didn’t turn out the way I’d hoped it would. The shop looks very nice, and I am in one of the photos, although you can barely tell it’s me, because I’m in the background and I’m all blurry. BUT there’s a great big bloody photo of my sister, and the article makes it sound like she’s the brains behind the business. They don’t say that exactly but she’s quoted as many times as I am. I’m so pissed off. I’m not really sure how it happened. I thought we were very clear that it was my business and that I employ Sofia. It’s not like we’re business partners or anything. And the worst part? All my family are talking about how wonderful the article is and how nice Sofia looks and not one of them seems to have even considered the possibility that I might be upset by any of this. I’m just supposed to cop it on the chin and be Jolly Giulia, the fat sister who should just be grateful for any crumbs she can get. And Sofia’s lapping it all up. She hasn’t even acknowledged that my feelings have been hurt. She just keeps going on about how great it will be for business.

  It feels like Sofia has it all and I can’t have anything. I keep looking at her pot belly and wishing that baby was growing inside me. She’s got everything, the looks, the body, the kids and now it seems she’s taking all the credit for the one thing that was truly mine – my business.

  I’m pretty sure the reason the magazine didn’t choose any photos of me is because I’m a fatty. I mean, who wants to look at a photo of a great big fatso in their bridal magazine?

  This is it. I’m going to lose weight if it kills me. The fat is the thing standing in my way. I can’t have the family I want because I’m too fat and now my weight is having a negative impact on my business. I know I’ve said this before but this time I’m really serious. I wish I had your courage, Mezz. If I wasn’t so terrified I’d be lining up for that surgery ASAP, but I’m just too scared. I’ve decided to give those nutritional cleansing products – the ones Sofia’s friend is selling – a go. I’m determined to lose weight this time, and I’m counting on you girls to help me stay on track.

  Jewels xox

  FAT CHAT | Tuesday Jan. 26 2016 | Ellie

  Oh my goodness, Jewels, I’m in shock. I’m so sorry to hear the photo shoot didn’t turn out the way you expected. It must be incredibly hurtful watching your sister taking credit for all your hard work. I don’t blame you for feeling upset. Please remember that the people who count know how much you put into the business and what a star you really are. And let’s hope that despite its inaccuracy that the article brings you lots of new customers. Big hugs from me.

  Ellie x

  FAT CHAT | Tuesday Jan. 26 2016 | Mezz

  Hello everyone,

  I’m home safe and sound and am feeling physically well, which is just as well seeing as I have to go back to work tomorrow. I’m also moving house today.

  Before you all panic and tell me I’ll hurt myself, I’m not moving furniture or anything heavy. Just my laptop and my clothes for now.

  You might be wondering why I hadn’t mentioned the move before now. Well, I didn’t know about it myself until yesterday.

  Sean’s kicked me out.

  He’d say that’s not the case and that I’m being melodramatic, but essentially that’s what’s happened. When I got home yesterday he told me he’d had enough and he wanted us to separate. He was quite emphatic about it. We decided the best course of action for the time being was for me to move into the guesthouse.

  So, Ellie, if you do come to visit me, you’ll have a roommate. Sorry about that!

  I really don’t know what to think or how I feel about it all right now. I’m mainly numb.

  Jewels, I’m so sorry about the magazine and Sofia. Maybe you should tell her how you feel? Don’t do anything drastic. Because weight loss isn’t always the answer. Look at me. Between the pre-op diet and the surgery, I’ve lost eleven kilos already. I look the best I have in ages, but my husband can’t stand the sight of me.

  Sorry. I need to sign off. Too much to do here.

  Love to you all.

  Mezz x

  Chapter Twenty

  FAT CHAT | Sunday Feb. 14 2016 | Kat

  Hi everyone. I was going to wish you all a Happy Valentine’s Day but it seems that some of you are having a rough time at the moment. Please know that I’m thinking of you all and sending you my love. All three of you are my Valentines.

  I know it’s probably not the happiest day for either of you, Ellie and Mezz, but I do hope you are doing something lovely and relaxing today. Remember your friends love you and would love to be spending the day with you.

  How about you, Jewels? Are you and Matt doing something special to celebrate today?

  Ami and I are going to Ben’s house for the day. He’s going to cook for us and we’ll spend the afternoon lazing about. It’s easier than going to a restaurant with Ami at the moment. She gets too fidgety and I really can’t enjoy my meal when I’m worried that she’s about to start whining. Besides, there’s really not anywhere much to go here, and Ben’s a pretty amazing cook. He’s promised me something really special, so I can’t wait to see what he has in store for us.

  It’ll be nice just to relax for a bit too. I’m loving my life right now, but being a single parent is very demanding and I’m finding between working, looking after Ami, and going to the gym, I don’t get much down time. Of course I’m socialising more than I used to as well, which also takes it out of me. Believe me, I’m not complaining. I know how lucky I am, but I do seem to be burning the candle at both ends these days. Ben says I should book in for a check-up because maybe I’m low in iron or magnesium or something, I can’t remember which. He’s done a course in nutrition and is right into taking supplements and stuff, but honestly, I really think I just need some time to relax and a decent night’s sleep!

  Oh, Ami’s just pulled all the pots and pans out of the cupboard! I’d better get off here and get organised to go.

  Kat x

  FAT CHAT | Sunday Feb. 14 2016 | Jewels

  Happy Valentine’s Day to you too, Kat! Sounds like you are in for a wonderful day.

  Matt is taking me to the movies today, which should be lovely. I’m two weeks into my nutritional detox program and I feel fantastic. Weigh-in day is tomorrow so I don’t want to risk falling off the wagon by eating at a restaurant. I thought a movie was a safer choice. I have my little protein snacks to take with me so I can munch on those if I feel hungry. The great thing about this program is I hardly ever feel hungry. Well, I did the first three days or so, but now the toxins have left my body I feel full of energy and I’m not starving anymore. It’s a bloody miracle!

  Kat, if you’re feeling tired maybe you should give the products I’m using a try. Honestly I’ve never had more energy in my life. If you want I’d be happy to send you a sample pack. Just let me know if you’re interested.

  Mezz, how are you? Is it still feeling weird being out in the guesthouse? Are the kids coping? Hope you are doing something nice for yourself today.

  Ellie, how’s your weekend going? Do you feel okay now work has finished? How’s the Jenn situation? Has she gone yet?

  Well, I best go get ready!

  Jewels xox

  FAT CHAT | Sunday Feb. 14 2016 | Mezz

  Hi ever
yone.

  Glad to hear at least some of us have a bit of romance in our lives this Valentine’s Day!

  I’m actually having a pretty good day today. Well, at least not a terrible one. I’ve settled into the guesthouse now and made it my own space. Between work and trying to spend extra time with the kids, I really haven’t had a chance to feel lonely. I talked to Barry about going part-time, but he wasn’t keen on that idea at all so now I’m trying to ‘work smarter’ as they say! I try as hard as I can to make it home for dinner every night, which means going in earlier each morning to catch up on paperwork. I’m also squeezing patients in at the beginning of the day rather than the end, and that seems to be working out okay. So we all have dinner together and then I come out here once Archie’s ready for bed. Sean does the morning routine on his own, but that’s really no different for the kids because I only ever did it on my days off.

  We’ve also decided to trial having sole responsibility for the kids on alternate weekends, so they get used to that being the norm. Last weekend I had the kids, while Sean stayed at his parents’ place. This weekend he’s taken the boys camping. I’m not sure how we’ll maintain this, but we’re giving it a go for now.

  So this weekend is my weekend off, and I’ve got to say I am actually enjoying myself. I’ve had a whole day-and-a-half to myself. This morning I didn’t get up until after ten and I didn’t feel one iota of guilt. I’ve spent the day so far reading and watching Nashville on Netflix. I know I’m a latecomer to this one but OMG Deacon! I had no idea what I was missing out on. Happy Valentine’s Day to me!

  Normally I would use this alone time as an excuse to stuff my face, but I literally cannot do that anymore. It’s a weird feeling because mentally at least, I’d still like to. I keep thinking about how nice it would be to indulge myself with a big block of chocolate, or some chips, while I’m relaxing on the couch but of course I can’t. In fact I can barely eat anything at all. I’ve graduated from fluids now and I’m allowed to eat soft foods. This morning I had a scrambled egg for breakfast. (Yes, egg singular!) I managed to eat about half of it and then I was full. And I’m still not hungry even though that was hours ago. Of course eventually I should be able to eat more. My stomach is still healing.