The Shape of Us

by Lisa Ireland

  ‘Oh Ellie, he’s gorgeous. Look, Ami, this is Leonard. He’s going to be our kitty now.’

  Ami’s eyes widened and she held her hand out towards the cage, but Ellie discreetly pulled the cage back so she couldn’t quite reach.

  ‘Cats take a little while to get used to their new home,’ Ellie said. ‘Maybe we should tuck him up somewhere safe for a few hours while he gets used to his new surroundings.’

  ‘What about the laundry?’ Kat asked. ‘It’s sunny in there and he won’t be able to get out.’

  ‘Sounds good to me. I’ve got his kitty litter tray, his bed and all his toys so I’ll bring those in and then we can let him out.’

  Once they’d made sure Leonard was taken care of, Ellie followed Kat to the kitchen. Kat gestured for her friend to take a seat at the little round table. Meanwhile Ami had attached herself to Kat’s leg.

  ‘Tea?’ Kat asked.

  ‘Lovely.’

  ‘I have lemon and ginger, peppermint, green tea and pear, or English Breakfast.’

  Ellie laughed. ‘English Breakfast will be fine.’

  Over tea Kat caught Ellie up on all her news – the latest with Ben, her job, the gym and the new friendships she was forming. ‘Honestly, Ellie, I don’t think I could be any happier than I am right now.’

  Ellie smiled. ‘So tell me a bit more about your relationship with Ben. I know you said he’s lots of fun but do you see it developing further than that?’

  Kat shrugged. ‘I don’t know. I try not to think about the future too much. It’s good now, but after what happened with Josh I’m not keen to attach myself to anyone too quickly, if you know what I mean.’

  Ellie nodded, ‘Yeah, I do.’

  ‘And besides, he’s a little bit younger than me.’

  ‘Does that matter?’

  ‘Not at the moment, it doesn’t. But who knows in the future? We haven’t talked about any of that big picture stuff. He’s great with Ami, but I don’t know if he wants kids. And that’s another issue. What if he wants kids of his own?’

  ‘You don’t want any more?’

  ‘I don’t know. Probably not, if I’m honest. While it’s just me and Ami I know, no matter what, I’ll be able to survive. Caring for one child on my own is a big enough job. I don’t know that I’d cope with any more kids.’

  ‘But you wouldn’t be on your own. Ben would be with you.’

  ‘Maybe, maybe not. I wouldn’t be counting on it, though.’

  Ellie raised her eyebrows in an unspoken question.

  ‘I’ve learned a bit about risk management these past few months. I had to do a course for work and it really resonated with me. I decided I need to apply the principles to my personal life as well as my work life.’

  ‘It’s okay to take a few risks here and there, Kat.’

  Ami tugged at her top and Kat looked at her little girl. ‘What do you want, beba?’

  ‘Up, Mama. Up!’

  Kat pulled Ami up onto her knee and kissed the top of her head before turning her attention back to Ellie. ‘Yeah, I know. Having a fling with a man seven years younger than me is a risk, I know, but it’s one I can live with. Maybe I’ll get my heart broken, or maybe I’ll break his.’ Kat grinned. It was funny to think of herself as a heartbreaker. ‘But having a child with that man, whether he stays or not, that’s a huge risk. And I don’t know it’s one I’m prepared to take.’

  ‘Fair enough.’ Ellie nodded before she took a sip of her tea.

  ‘I’m happy right now, Ellie. It’s been a long time since I could say that. I want to savour this time and not worry too much about the future for a while.’

  ‘Good plan.’

  ‘Mama, juice?’ Ami said. Kat got up, hoisting Ami onto her hip and went to the fridge. She pulled out a jug of water and filled Ami’s sippy cup. ‘There you go, angel. Why don’t you go find your favourite dolly to show Aunty Ellie? I’m sure she’d love to see it.’

  Ami looked at Ellie suspiciously but Ellie smiled widely. ‘I would love that, Ami,’ she said.

  Kat smiled as she watched Ami toddle off down the hall.

  ‘She’s not too sure about me,’ Ellie said.

  ‘She’ll warm up. Soon she’ll be clinging onto you and you’ll be wishing she’d stayed aloof. By the end of your stay you’ll be desperate to get back to your childfree life.’

  ‘I’m sure I won’t. She’s totally adorable. You know I like kids.’ Ellie’s mouth formed a hard line.

  ‘Oh honey, I know you do. I didn’t mean to imply otherwise. That was a totally insensitive thing to say. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it. It’s just toddlers can be wearing after a while, even for those of us who love them.’

  Ellie flashed her a half smile. ‘Sorry. Didn’t mean to be testy. I know I didn’t talk too much about it at the time, but you know the whole baby thing was the catalyst for my break-up with Jenn.’

  ‘Yeah, I know. So have you thought any more about what that means? Would you consider doing IVF on your own?’

  ‘I don’t know. I always saw myself as having a child with Jenn. I thought we’d be a family, you know?’

  Kat nodded. She knew exactly what Ellie meant; she’d once felt the same about Josh. ‘You’d make a great mum, Ellie. Maybe it’s something you should consider.’

  ‘Hey, don’t worry, I have thought about it, but at the moment I don’t know what I’m doing next week, let alone next year. I need to sort myself out before I can even think about having a baby.’

  Ami returned with her doll and Ellie made lots of complimentary noises. She was clearly great with kids. She let Ami come to her in her own time and didn’t try too hard. Sometimes well-meaning adults could be overwhelming, but Ellie seemed to have a natural affinity with Ami. They played together for a little while before Kat noticed Ami yawning. ‘Come on, Little Miss. It’s time for your nap.’

  Ami put up her usual protest, but Kat was firm, reassuring her that Aunty Ellie would still be there when Ami woke up. Eventually Kat managed to get her to lie quietly in her cot and when she got back to the kitchen Ellie had made a fresh pot of tea.

  ‘Do you want something to eat, Ellie? I hardly ever eat in between meals these days and it never occurs to me that others might be hungry. I’ve got some chocolate protein balls that I made. I know that doesn’t sound too appetising but they’re quite nice actually. Or there’s some rockmelon in the crisper. I could cut up some of that.’

  Ellie shook her head. ‘I’m fine thanks. I had a burger and a milkshake on the road, so I’m still quite full.’

  Kat bit back her desire to comment on Ellie’s food choices. Her friend was looking lovely as always, but she clearly hadn’t lost much weight since they’d last met. Kat knew Ellie was exercising more, but obviously her diet was still terrible. Maybe she’d pick up some tips while she was here and end up following Kat’s example. Wouldn’t that be nice? To be an inspiration to someone for a change, instead of a cautionary tale.

  She knew there wasn’t any point lecturing Ellie. She’d hated that when she was fat. Was fat. Past tense. She wasn’t a fat girl anymore and it felt so damn good. She could go anywhere, do anything and she didn’t have to wonder if people were sniggering at her behind her back. She would never have to worry about Ami being embarrassed about her mother’s size, or feel guilty that she wasn’t being a good role model for her child. She wanted to share all that with Ellie, but she knew from Ben and Tia’s example that actions were far more useful than words. After Ellie had sampled the food she cooked and she realised that Kat’s diet could be tasty as well as healthy, maybe she’d make some changes to her own.

  ‘So tell me your plans, Ellie. How long do I have you for? You’re welcome to stay as long as you want, of course. I just want to see if I have to squeeze my plans for you into a few days or if we can be a bit more leisurely about it. I�
��ve got a bed set up for you in Ami’s room and I’ve put the travel cot in my room for her, which she’s stoked about, by the way.’

  ‘Oh, Kat, you shouldn’t have done that. I would have been happy to sleep on the couch.’

  ‘Don’t be silly. It’s just a blow-up mattress Mrs P lent me. I hope it’s okay. She assures me it’s very comfortable.’

  ‘Thank you. As for my plans, well, if it’s not stretching the friendship I thought I might stay about a week. I have the hire car booked for a fortnight so I could stay here for a bit and then take my time driving down the coast to Sydney. Once I’m there I’m going to ditch the car and book myself in to a five-star hotel for a week.’

  ‘Wow. That sounds like fun.’

  Ellie nodded. ‘I’ve stayed in plenty of nice hotels in my time, but it was always because of Jenn’s work. My schedule had to fit around hers and it was never much fun or very relaxing. I thought I’d treat myself to a week of luxury before the next part of my couch surfing program.’

  ‘So where to after Sydney?’

  ‘I think I’ll fly down to Melbourne and hopefully spend a bit of time with Jewels. Hopefully she’s not over having houseguests after Mezz’s convalescence.’

  ‘I think she loved having Mezz there and I’m sure she’s looking forward to seeing you too.’

  ‘I hope so. I thought I’d have a few days there and then hire a car and drive to Mezz’s place. I’ll have to see how she’s doing before I head her way, though. Things sound pretty rough in her world right now.’

  Kat nodded. ‘Oh, don’t they just? Poor Mezz. Clearly she doesn’t want her marriage to end, but it sounds like her husband has made up his mind.’

  Ellie set her teacup down on the table. ‘It’s such a shame. It seems to me like they really love each other but just can’t find a way to make their relationship work.’

  Kat remembered how kind Mezz had been to her that awful weekend when she’d found out about Josh. ‘I wish there was something we could do to help her.’

  ‘Yeah, but what?’ Ellie looked thoughtful. ‘Was there anything that helped you get through your break-up with Josh? Anything that people did that made your life a little easier?’

  Kat shrugged. ‘I guess just being there for me. I was so lucky I was with all of you when I found out. Between the three of you, you managed to take care of everything I needed in those first few days. You cared for Ami, gave me time to grieve alone and then forced me to laugh with your drunken antics.’

  ‘My drunken antics?’ Ellie looked aghast.

  ‘Not you specifically. Jewels was fairly hilarious though.’

  Ellie grinned. ‘That she was.’

  ‘But I’m not the only one who’s been through a break-up. What about you? You’re going through the same thing as Mezz right now.’

  Ellie shook her head. ‘Not really. Jenn and I don’t have kids for starters. And I’ve realised it was never really love. Not for Jenn, anyway. I was a convenience in the end, no more. I think in the beginning there was a powerful chemistry between us and I mistook that for love.’

  ‘But you loved her. I know you did, I could tell by the way you talked about her.’

  Ellie’s eyes filled with tears. ‘Yes, I did.’

  Kat reached out and touched Ellie’s forearm. ‘It’s okay to grieve, you know. Your life has been turned upside down. You expected to be with Jenn forever and now that’s not going to happen. It’s okay to fall apart a bit, Ellie. You don’t have to be strong around me.’

  Ellie wiped away her tears with the backs of her hands and sniffed. ‘Thanks, Kat. I appreciate that. I am sad. And I’m a bit lost too. But I’ll be okay.’

  Kat smiled as she stood to retrieve a box of tissues from the kitchen bench. ‘Well there’s no need to hold your tears around me. I’m perfectly happy for you to be miserable, if it helps.’

  Ellie took a tissue, wiped her eyes and nose, and smiled. ‘I guess that’s why I’m on the “Fat Chat Tour”. I can depend on the three of you to stick by me no matter what. And all because of weight loss, which we rarely seem to mention anymore.’

  ‘Aside from Jewels. What’s up with her new regime? She’s suddenly become an evangelist for the stuff.’

  Ellie shrugged. ‘I don’t know. It’s good that it’s working for her though. I know how badly she wants a baby and hopefully if she loses a bit of weight it will be easier for her to fall pregnant.’

  ‘But that stuff isn’t good for you, Ellie. Ben had a look at it and he said it’s overpriced rubbish. Jewels is being ripped off. It makes me so mad that people take advantage of overweight people like that. Jewels is clearly so desperate she’ll try anything.’

  ‘Jewels isn’t stupid, Kat.’

  ‘No, of course not. But she’s vulnerable. Have you seen the stuff? I did some research online after she sent me the sample products. It’s nothing more than a pyramid selling scheme.’

  ‘But if Jewels is happy with it and it’s working for her, what does that matter?’

  ‘It’s costing her a fortune, to start with.’

  Ellie shrugged. ‘It’s her money. If she’s not worried then we shouldn’t be either.’

  ‘But the stuff’s not good for you and she’s not eating any real food. That’s not sustainable. What happens when she can’t do it anymore?’

  ‘I don’t know. I guess she’ll work that out if it happens. Hopefully she will have lost enough weight to fall pregnant and if that’s the case she will have achieved her goal. If she puts the weight back on, so be it. There are worse things in life than being fat, you know.’

  Kat felt a rush of heat to her cheeks. ‘I know that. I wasn’t trying to say being fat is a terrible thing. I guess I’m just so happy with my weight loss and my new life that I want all the people I love to be as content as I am.’

  ‘That’s sweet of you, but I think we all need to find our own ways to live in our bodies. What works for you mightn’t work for Jewels. And something completely different might make me happy.’

  ‘I guess. I wish Jewels would find another way though, and I told her so on our blog.’

  Ellie winced. ‘Really?’

  Kat nodded. ‘We’re always saying that the best thing about the relationship between the four of us is that we’re honest with each other. It would have been dishonest of me not to tell Jewels what I really think. I’m sure she’ll realise I only have her best interests at heart.’

  Ellie looked doubtful. ‘I hope so. Anyway, let’s talk about something else. Do we have any plans for the rest of the weekend?’

  ‘Tonight I thought we could stay in. I really wanted to have a quiet night with just us, if that’s okay? Tomorrow I’ve planned to meet-up with everyone at the pub for a leisurely lunch in the beer garden, if that suits you?’

  ‘Sounds great.’

  ‘I’m so looking forward to you meeting Ben and all my new friends, and they’re all dying to meet you too.’

  ★

  Sunday was the perfect autumn day – sunny and clear, but with a gentle sea breeze, which would keep the temperature mild. Kat couldn’t have picked a better day to show off her town and her friends to Ellie. When she’d woken she’d felt a pull of anxiety in her stomach. It was really important to Kat that Ellie liked Ben, Tia and Miranda. It seemed silly seeing as Ellie lived so far away and was unlikely to visit very often. In fact, if she moved back to London, it might be years before Kat saw her again. But somehow Ellie, Mezz and Jewels had become the closest thing she had to family. Her new friends were all lovely, especially Ben, but when she was worried about something or when she had good news, it was her three blog friends that she wanted to tell first.

  Kat was up early, before Ami even. She wanted to get half an hour’s yoga in before Ellie woke up. She tugged her yoga pants on in the filtered morning light, dragging them over her rounded belly. She’d been so
busy lately that she’d barely had time to eat, and everything she did eat was packed with nutrition. How on earth could her stomach be getting bigger? She ran a palm over the protruding part. It wasn’t soft like fat, in fact her belly was quite hard, just like . . .

  Oh shit.

  The last time she’d had a rounded tummy like this was when she was pregnant with Ami. But surely it couldn’t be true? She was on the pill and she was careful. She’d never missed one. Not ever. Fuck. She couldn’t possibly have fallen pregnant accidentally again.

  The first time she fallen pregnant, she’d been incredibly unlucky. After months of flirting with Tony Addamo, she’d given in and gone ‘all the way’ after he accused her of being nothing but an uptight prick teaser. He’d told her she might as well put her headscarf on and go back to being a good little ‘muzzie’ if she wasn’t going to put out. ‘Real’ Aussie girls didn’t cock tease apparently.

  She didn’t even really like him that much. He was good looking but not very smart, and he was mean, with a big mouth. She knew word would get out if she slept with him, but she didn’t care. In fact that was part of the attraction. She badly wanted to lose her virgin status. It was well known that all the popular girls slept with their boyfriends, and she was tired of doing the right thing for no reward. Her mother and stepfather expected her to do little else but study and help out around the house. What sort of life was that for a teenager?

  Kat saw what her friends’ mothers’ lives were like. Samantha Kelly’s mum was a hairdresser and she was always dressed in beautiful, fashionable clothes. She went out at night to bars with her girlfriends and occasionally when Sam woke up there was a strange man at the breakfast table. Sam was disgusted by this, but Kat thought it was cool. Nobody controlled Sam’s mother. She did whatever she wanted.

  So she’d lost her virginity to Tony in the footy change rooms, one night after training. He’d asked the coach if he could stay behind to do extra weights and promised he’d lock up and drop the keys off on his way home. The sleazy old prick probably knew what was going on and was happy to condone it.