by Lisa Ireland
Jewels came down every weekend. Sometimes Matt came and other times she came alone. The tension between Jewels and Ellie had lingered longer than Mezz had predicted. They didn’t snipe at each other or talk about any of it openly but Kat could feel the animosity between them. It lasted at least a month despite Mezz’s gentle intervention, but things eventually eased between them and these past few weeks it seemed as if their relationship was as strong as ever.
Mezz came as often as she could, which was most weekends. Sean and the boys came sometimes too, which was lovely for Ami. Kat loved getting to know Sean, who was a warm and charismatic man. He seemed to have boundless energy and was fantastic at getting the younger kids involved in physical activity. They played hide and seek or tag in the yard, Sean partnering up with Ami so she could participate with the other kids. Mezz’s eldest boy, Max, was a handful. Getting conversation out of him was almost impossible. Except for Ami. She seemed to disarm him somehow. He would complain about being made to come to the table for dinner and yet was happy to spend hours playing silly games with a toddler. It was a beautiful thing to watch.
It was the simple things that gave her pleasure these days.
The holiday mood was broken one morning when Kat woke up breathless. Ellie called the ambulance and that little incident had ended in an overnight stay in hospital so she could have fluid drained from her lungs. It was the beginning of the end. From that day on there’d been a barrage of symptoms to remind her this was not some pretty ending in a movie. It was a terrible disease ravaging her body.
In this past week, Ellie had become like another limb, she was so dependent on her. She had to be helped to do everything. There were oxygen prongs in her nose to help her breathe. She had to be helped to the toilet and could no longer shower herself. Her appetite was gone again and every single part of her hurt. The pain relief made her drowsy and she didn’t want to sleep, so during the day she held out as long as she could between doses. Mezz had lectured her on the importance of regular pain relief, so she took her Panadol every four hours, but left the stronger stuff alone for as long as possible.
Right now the pain was bearable, probably due to the four a.m. dose of pain relief Ellie had administered. As she watched the sun rise, a sense of calm settled over Kat. It was going to be a beautiful day.
★
Jewels was woken by her phone buzzing at seven o’clock. Her heart dropped when she saw it was Ellie calling.
‘Hey, Ellie. What’s wrong?’
‘You need to come today if you can. Soon. Kat’s asking for you.’
‘I was planning on coming tonight anyway.’
‘Oh, Jewels, I’m not sure she has that long.’
Jewels’ pulse thudded in her throat. Not today. She wasn’t ready to say goodbye. It was too soon. Way too soon. Mezz had said a year and it hadn’t even been six months. There must be something they could do. ‘Oh god. Really? Have you called Mezz?’
‘She’s on her way.’
‘What about her doctor? Maybe you need to call an ambulance. Perhaps they can do something for her in hospital, like that other time, remember?’
‘She doesn’t want to go to hospital, Jewels. The palliative nurse is here now, making her comfortable, but that’s all she’s doing. I’d come as soon as you can.’
‘I’m on my way.’
Jewels threw on a pair of tracksuit pants, a sloppy jumper and her runners. She pulled her hair up into a ponytail, brushed her teeth and went to find Matt, who was up and eating breakfast in the kitchen. ‘Ellie just rang. She thinks Kat is dying. I’ve got to go.’
Matt put down his coffee. ‘Hang on a second. I’ll drive you.’
She shook her head. ‘No, babe, it’s okay. I don’t know how long I’ll be and the less people there the better I’d say, for Kat’s sake.’
He nodded. ‘Okay. But at least take a change of clothes with you. That way you’re set if you need to stay overnight.’
‘Yeah, that’s a good idea.’
She raced back to the bedroom and threw her PJs, toothbrush and a change of clothes into an overnight bag. She went back to the kitchen to say goodbye to Matt. He handed her a coffee in her travel mug.
She hugged him. ‘You’re the best, babe.’
‘Call me when you get there.’
★
While the palliative care nurse attended to Kat’s needs Ellie took the opportunity to slip into her bedroom and sew the last few buttons on Kat’s ‘mermaid’ dress. At first she’d been hesitant when Kat had asked her to make a special garment for her to be buried in, but Kat had been insistent. ‘I’m so skinny now I have nothing decent that fits me,’ she’d said. ‘And surely you don’t want me to go to the great beyond badly dressed?’ When Kat put it that way, how could she refuse?
Kat’s brief was simple. Nothing white, nothing black and whatever it was it had to be fabulous. Ellie found a gorgeous remnant of shimmering emerald and sapphire blue sequinned fabric for sale online and hoped that when it arrived it would live up to Kat’s expectations.
‘It’s perfect,’ Kat said, holding the fabric up against her. ‘I’ll feel like a mermaid in this.’
The fabric was so stunning Ellie decided a simple design would make the most of it. She fashioned it into a simple shift, the only adornment a row of sea-green glass buttons to close it in the back.
For weeks now she’d avoided adding the last few buttons, fearing that if the dress was complete the universe would take that as a signal. But now Kat was ready to go. The dress needed to be finished today.
★
When Jewels arrived at the beach house things seemed strangely normal. She could hear Ami singing along to a song on the TV. The washing machine was on and the aroma of bacon and eggs wafted down the stairs. Somehow she’d expected the mood to be sombre – the curtains drawn and everyone speaking in hushed tones, but her vision couldn’t have been further from the truth. It was just like any other day.
She tossed her overnight bag in one of the empty downstairs bedrooms and made her way up to the kitchen. Ellie greeted her at the top of the stairs with a hug. ‘I’m so glad you’re here. I know this is going to sound selfish, but I didn’t want to be alone when . . .’
Jewels shook her head. ‘That’s not selfish. It’s perfectly natural. How is she?’
Ellie shrugged. ‘Sleeping a lot. The pain spiked after I spoke to you and so the nurse has given her morphine, but not a huge dose. She said she’ll be in and out of it for a bit, but she’s still lucid when she wakes, so you can talk to her.’
‘Should I wake her up?’
‘Have you eaten?’
Jewels shook her head.
‘Why don’t you have some breakfast and then we’ll see if she wants to talk?’
‘I don’t think I can eat.’
Ellie nodded. ‘Go sit with her then. Hold her hand. Maybe she’ll wake.’
For the next hour or so Jewels sat by Kat’s bed, holding her hand, while Ellie tidied up and kept Ami amused. Kat’s eyelids had fluttered a few times but she hadn’t woken up fully. At ten o’clock Ellie announced that they were out of milk and nappies, so she was ducking down the shops.
‘I’ll only be ten minutes,’ she said. ‘I’ll take Ami with me. It’ll do her good to get out of the house.’ Jewels’ fear of being left alone with Kat must have shown on her face because Ellie squeezed her shoulder and said, ‘You’ll be fine. I’ve got my phone if you need me.’
Jewels stood up and went to the window to watch Ellie pushing Ami in the stroller up towards the main street. When they were no longer visible she turned back to find Kat looking at her.
‘Hey, Jewels. Thanks for coming.’
She rushed back to the bedside. ‘Of course. I wouldn’t be anywhere else. How are you feeling?’
‘Like I’m dying.’ Kat smiled. ‘Jewels, I think this is
it, so I don’t really have time for small talk.’ Her speech was laboured and the whirr of the oxygen concentrator was an audible reminder that each breath was now an effort.
‘You don’t have to say anything. I’m happy just to sit here.’
‘Ah, but that’s where you’re wrong. There are things I need to say. . .’ she paused for a breath. ‘Things I want to say before it’s too late.’
‘Okay.’
‘I want to tell you why.’
Jewels wasn’t sure she wanted to hear this. ‘No, Kat. It’s okay. You don’t have to explain yourself. I won’t lie to you. I was upset at first, but I had no right to be. Ami is your daughter. It was your choice and I should never have tried to influence your decision.’
‘It’s not because I don’t think you’d be a great mother, because I honestly think you’ll make a wonderful mum someday.’
‘Thanks.’
‘I mean it, Jewels, and that was part of why I didn’t choose you. I honestly believe you and Matt will have your own child one day. Look at you. You’re getting smaller each time I see you. I’m sure it won’t be long before you fall pregnant. I know that you think now that you’d love Ami just as much, and that’s probably true. But I’m not sure if Matt feels the same way.’
Jewels bowed her head and nodded. It was true. Matt hadn’t responded well to the hypothetical adoption of Ami. He’d said he would think about it but Jewels knew in his heart it wasn’t really what he wanted. Not that she’d ever admitted that to anyone else.
‘Ami has been living with Ellie for months now. She’s bonded with her. It makes sense for Ellie to continue to be her carer.’
‘I know.’
‘But it’s more than that, Jewels. I don’t want to hurt you by saying this, so please take it with the love that’s intended. You, Mezz and me, we’ve still got some work to do on our relationships with our bodies. It’s too late for me. My body’s checking out, but hopefully you have a long life ahead of you. Don’t waste time thinking that the amount of calories you ingest has some connection to your self-worth.’
‘But my program –’
‘I’m sorry but I’m dying so I get to say this. The program is a load of crap. You are literally starving yourself. That’s not healthy. Before you started that program you seemed happy with yourself. Now your self-worth is tied up in how many grams you’ve shed this week. I know you need to lose weight so you can have a baby, but don’t confuse weight loss with health. They’re not the same thing. I honestly don’t think your program is good for you, Jewels. It would make me so happy to see you give it away. You’ve lost a bit of weight now, so maybe it’s time to give something else a try. Perhaps talk to Ellie about her “healthful eating” or whatever it is she’s doing.’
Jewels wouldn’t meet her gaze. ‘Ellie’s not losing weight, though is she?’
‘She’s not gaining any as far as I can see, but anyway that’s not my point. I think you need to choose another way. I can’t bear to see you punishing yourself like this. I don’t need to tell you life’s too short for this sort of shit, Jewels.’ She paused, clearly struggling for breath now.
‘Shh, honey, you’re exhausting yourself.’
But Kat shook her head. ‘I want you to promise me something. I want you to at least investigate some healthier methods of achieving your weight loss. Maybe talk to that dietitian again. Will you do that for me?’
Jewels nodded as she blinked back tears. Kat was dying but she still had everyone else’s best interests at heart.
Kat squeezed her hand gently. ‘It’s your life and your choice, but my hope is that one day you’ll be at peace with your body.’
‘Me too,’ Jewels said quietly.
‘Ellie’s the only one of us who has managed to rise above all that diet and self-loathing bullshit. I think she’ll be a good role model for Ami in that respect. More than anything I want her to grow up loving herself and her body. I don’t want her to have the same hang-ups I did.’
‘I get it.’
‘But you are such a wonderful and dynamic person, Jewels. You’re so loving and generous. There’s so much Ami can learn from you too. Promise me you’ll always be part of her life. I want you to be the fun aunt, the one who brings her sunshine on dark and stormy days. The one who she can talk to about boys – or girls if that’s her preference – and the one who shows her how to put on makeup.’
Jewels tried desperately to hold herself together but she couldn’t stem the flow of tears leaking from her eyes. ‘I promise.’
★
Ellie arrived back just as Mezz was pulling up in the driveway. Relief washed over her. She’d been Kat’s carer from the start of all this, and she’d gladly done things she’d never imagined having to do, but the dying part – the life actually leaving Kat’s body – wasn’t something she thought she could cope with on her own.
Mezz kissed her cheek and stroked Ami’s hair. ‘Is she still . . .?’
Ellie nodded. ‘We’ve just been up the shops and she was okay when I left fifteen minutes ago. Jewels is with her. The nurse seemed to think the end was fairly close, but of course it could be hours or it could be days.’
Mezz nodded. ‘It can be hard to tell how long there is left at the end. How’s her breathing?’
‘Pretty laboured. I’ve been trying not to let her talk too much.’
When they got upstairs they found Jewels on the bed with Kat sleeping in her arms. Ellie felt the blood rush from her face to her feet. Surely she hadn’t slipped away while they were at the shops? That would be more than cruel.
She stood still, clutching Ami to her hip as Mezz approached the bed. After what seemed like a lifetime, Mezz nodded and beckoned for her to bring Ami over. She stood holding Ami at the side of the bed, her heart pounding against her chest wall.
‘Mummy,’ Ami said.
Kat’s eyelids flickered and then opened wide. ‘Come here, beba,’ she said.
Ellie gently placed Ami in Kat’s arms.
Kat smiled at her. ‘Promise me you won’t forget the ritual.’
Ellie nodded. ‘I promise.’
‘I love you all,’ she said and she closed her eyes for the final time.
★
After she was gone nobody wanted to move for a while. Eventually Mezz stood up and said, ‘We need to ring some people. Make some arrangements.’
Ellie wiped the tears from her face. ‘No. Not yet.’
‘Honey, there are things, official things, that need to happen.’
‘I know, I know. But we have to do something for Kat. I promised her.’
Jewels looked up. ‘What?’
‘It’s a ritual. A Muslim custom of how the body is prepared for burial.’
‘I didn’t think Kat was religious,’ Jewels said.
‘She isn’t – wasn’t. She wasn’t a believer, but she said she’d participated in this ritual herself as a young woman and she saw how it brought comfort to the mourners.’
Jewels sat up and gently lifted Ami from her mother’s arms. ‘So what is it?’
‘Let’s go sit at the table and I’ll explain.’ Ellie had been dreading this moment ever since Kat had expressed her wishes a month or so ago. Ellie did not come from a culture where death was talked about much, let alone celebrated. She attended her first funeral – her great aunt’s – at the age of twenty-five. Her grandparents had died years before but her parents did not think it proper for children to attend such events. Kat’s was the first dead body she’d ever encountered and to be perfectly honest she wasn’t entirely comfortable sitting next to it having a conversation.
Jewels handed Ami over to Mezz and went to the kitchen to boil the kettle. Once the tea was made, they all sat at the dining table. Ami wriggled free from Mezz’s grasp and took herself off to play with some toys. Ellie felt a stab of pain that she was too little
to realise what she’d just lost.
Jewels poured the tea. ‘So explain this ritual to us. What do we need to do?’
‘Traditionally Muslims are prepared for burial by their loved ones. If Kat was religious and we were following the ritual strictly, we wouldn’t be able to perform it because only other Muslims should do it. But Kat didn’t care about that. She said we were her loved ones and she wanted us, including Ami, to wash and dress her body for burial.’
Mezz put down her cup. ‘Aren’t Muslims usually buried in a shroud?’
Ellie nodded. ‘Apparently, but Kat didn’t want that. I’ve made her a beautiful gown that she wants us to put on her. She said the most important part to her was that we wash her body and dress her, and that we let Ami help.’
‘Right,’ said Jewels. ‘If that’s what she wants, that’s what we’ll do.’
Mezz nodded. ‘I’ll call the palliative care team and see if someone can come out to issue the official death certificate. And one of us should ring the funeral home and explain Kat’s wishes.’
‘Can’t you issue the death certificate?’ Ellie asked. She wasn’t sure she could sit around pretending this was normal for hours while they waited for someone official to come.
‘Legally I can, but I’m really not comfortable . . .’
Ellie stood up. ‘That’s okay, I understand. I’ll ring the funeral director.’
‘One of us should probably call Ben,’ Mezz said.
Ellie nodded. ‘I’ll do that. And I’ll call Mrs Parsons too.’ She took her phone downstairs so she could have a few moments alone.
It didn’t take long for the palliative care doctor to arrive. Ellie directed him upstairs where he was greeted by Mezz. By the time Ellie had made her other calls he was making his way back downstairs, his grim job completed, but Ellie found reasons to avoid returning upstairs. She hung out the load of washing sitting in the machine and put on another one. Eventually Mezz came to find her. ‘It’s time,’ she said.