by Mark Bego
The Thorn, also known as The Divine Mr. J (1974)
The Virgin Mary
The Rose (1979)
Mary Rose Foster (alias, “The Rose”)
Divine Madness! (1980)
Herself, Soph, Dolores DeLago
Jinxed (1982)
Bonita
Down and Out in Beverly Hills (1986)
Barbara Whiteman
Ruthless People (1986)
Barbara Stone
Outrageous Fortune (1986)
Sandy Brozinsky
Big Business (1988)
Sadie Shelton/Sadie Ratliff
Oliver and Company (1988) (Animated)
Voice of Georgette
Beaches (1989)
Cecilia Carol Bloom (“C. C. Bloom”)
Stella (1990)
Stella Claire
Scenes from a Mall (1991)
Deborah Fifer
For the Boys (1991)
Dixie Leonard
Hocus Pocus (1993)
Winifred Sanderson (“Winnie”)
Gypsy (1993) (U.S. TV movie/worldwide theatrical)
Mama Rose
Get Shorty (1995)
Doris (unbilled)
The First Wives Club (1996)
Brenda Morelli Cushman
That Old Feeling (1997)
Lilly Leonard
Jackie’s Back (1999) (TV Movie)
Herself
Get Bruce (2000)
Herself
Isn’t She Great? (2000)
Jacqueline Susann
Drowning Mona (2000)
Mona Dearly
What Women Want (2000)
Dr. Perkins (unbilled role)
Bette Midler’s Movie Quotes
Beaches
CC: “Enough about me, let’s talk about you. What do you think about me?”
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CC: “Oh, Harry, you’re an angel. If your mother hadn’t been such a bitch, we could’ve
shared something important.”
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CC: “How’s college life? . . . aren’t you done YET?!?”
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CC: “What I did? You and your lousy letters. Just to get one of them made me special even
before I opened it. All your crappy stories, all your big dreams.”
Hillary: “I didn’t know that.”
CC: “Well, what the hell did you know? Did you know how bad things were for me? No,
because you wouldn’t even open my letters. If you had even answered one, just one!
Told me what a jerk I was, anything! But you didn’t. You took your friendship away
without even discussing it with me. So, thank you very much for forgiving me. But I
don’t forgive you.”
Hillary: “I was jealous. I was so jealous of you I couldn’t see straight! You did everything you
said you were going to do, everything! And your talent, this incredible talent! I can’t even
yodel!”
CC: “Hillary . . . what’s yodeling got to do with it?”
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CC: “Wait till I get my hands on that agent. I’ll kill him. The toad. He told me this was a nightclub with leather banquettes, and a dressing room with a door on it! It looks like a flamingo threw up in here!”
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CC: “Are you ready for your radar, dear?”
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CC: “Dear Hillary, if you’re still mad at me, you’re gonna love this letter. My career is officially approaching oblivion. My agent had a brilliant idea: he thinks I should be a disco queen.”
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Hillary: “I’m not stubborn, I’m . . . right.”
CC: “OK, stay in. But will you at least get out of those pajamas? You’ve been in them for
over a week!”
Hillary: “So what? Who the hell are you, the clothes police?”
CC: “You’re not dead yet: so stop living as if you are!”
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CC: “I was so wrecked, they had to shut down my first picture. It was horrible. I was terribly edgy. . . . I wasn’t comfortable in the medium, you know? So I broke the director’s jaw.”
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CC: “I’m doing what I set out to do, remember? I’m living the life you didn’t have the courage to live. So don’t give me you’re not jealous. You’re so jealous you can hardly breathe.”
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CC: “Listen. I know everything there is to know about you. And my memory is long. My memory is very, very long.”
Big Business
Sadie Ratliff: “I hate men who smell like beer and bean dip . . . and makin’ love in the back of recreational vehicles!”
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Sadie Shelton: “I don’t see how is it that you, my own sister, can stuff your face and nothing happens and I subsist on 60 calories a day or else blow up like a Macy’s Day float!”
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Sadie Ratliff: “Whoa . . . I’ve tied hogs slipperier ’n you!”
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Sadie Ratliff: “Mmm! Friendly men in this town!”
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Sadie Ratliff: “I find myself just praying for a UFO sighting! I stand here and I say, come and get me, come and get me!”
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Sadie Ratliff: “Not with a man covered in pig poop, no sir, I don’t.”
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Sadie Ratliff: “I’m not gonna stick around here like a clove on a baked ham, I’m gonna kick up my heels!”
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Sadie Shelton: “Is this how we come dressed to the office? You look like a blood clot.”
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Sadie Shelton: “What’s this, are we hearing voices now . . . like Joan of Ark?”
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Sadie Shelton: “I know your plans, sit up in that room and pretend you’re wafting through a field of daisies while you make love to the pastry cart—now PUT DOWN THAT ECLAIR and get down here and help me find these RATLIFF people!”
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Sadie Shelton: “Oh, god! It’s me with a bad haircut!”
Sadie Ratliff: “Bad?! I paid twelve bucks for this!”
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Sadie Ratliff: “It’s pod people! I saw that movie!”
Sadie Shelton: “I was at the premier!”
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Sadie Ratliff: “They’re robots! They wanna kill us a-and take our places! There’s UFO written all over this thang!”
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Sadie Ratliff: “These press-on nails . . . think I shoulda pressed harder, Rose?”
Divine Madness
Bette: “The question before us is where’s her clitoris?”
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Bette: “Oh, my girls! When I first saw these girls, they were peddling their papayas on 42nd street, so flushed, so filthy. The astonishing verbal abuse they heaped upon me made me certain that we were destined to share the stage someday. Not only are my girls fine singers and dancers, not only are they gorgeous and talented, but they also think I’m GOD!”
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Bette: “How ‘bout a spotlight up here, huh? How ‘bout a nice white spotlight for the Diva who’s sweating her guts out up here, huh?!”
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Bette: “And then a wee voice called out to me in the night and reminded me of the motto by which I’ve always tried to live my life: F°@k ‘em if they can’t take a joke!”
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Down and Out in Beverly Hills
Barbara: “It’s true. I am a vegetarian. But I hear that vodka comes from a potato!”
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Barbara: “Guilt is useless.”
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Barbara: “He’s going to give that dog fleas, and it’s going to be YOUR fault.”
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Barbara: “I think I see your aura.”
Dro
wning Mona
Mona: “You’ve been playing Wheel of Fortune with someone else!”
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Mona: “Well, life handed me a whole pile of shit. What am I supposed to make out of that?”
Phil: “Shit salad?”
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Mona: “Fun? I lost Wyatt. I’m a loser. Does that sound like fun to you?”
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Mona: “Why don’t you take that trophy and shove it up your ass, Calzone!”
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Mona: “I don’t wanna hurt someone. I wanna hurt you!”
First Wives Club
Brenda: “Now, I ask you, Duarto, who’s supposed to wear that? Some anorexic teenager? Some fetus? It’s a conspiracy, I know it is! I’ve had enough. I’m leading a protest. I’m not buying another article of clothing until these designers come to their senses!”
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Brenda: “What’s the matter, Morty? Can’t you buy her a whole dress?”
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Brenda: “Bye Bye, love. . . . hello, Pop-Tarts”
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Brenda: “My Morty became this big shot on TV. Then it hits: midlife crisis. Major. He starts
working out. He grows a mustache. He gets an earring! I said, “Morty, what are you, a pirate? What’s next, a parrot?”
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Brenda: “There she is. Princess Pelvis!”
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Brenda: “My, my, the bulimia has certainly paid off.”
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Brenda: “Let’s examine the evidence. Look! Nothing but bottles and gallon jugs!”
Elise: “I had guests!”
Brenda: “Who? Guns N Roses?”
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Elise: “I drink because I am a sensitive and highly strung person.”
Brenda: “No, that’s why your co-stars drink.”
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Brenda: “This is just like Mission: Impossible!”
Elise: “Oh! That was a big hit!”
For the Boys
Dixie: “It was purple alright . . . but I don’t think it was his heart”
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Dixie: “The thing you wanna avoid is outlasting everybody. Can you remember that?”
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Dixie: Mind if I smoke?
Eddie: I don’t care if you burn.
Dixie: What a prince.
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Dixie: “Well . . . alone in the dark with thousands of men. There is a God after all!”
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Eddie: “Why don’t you put a dress on him and forget about it?”
Dixie: “I would, but then you’d probably make a pass at him!”
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Eddie: “Just relax and follow my lead.”
Dixie: “Yeah. Right off a cliff.”
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Dixie: “And how they loved him, those boys. He was generous . . . stingy. Brilliant . . . infuriating. And a world-class, solid-gold, son-of-a-bitch.”
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Dixie: “Oh my god! Eddie, look. Up there, in the fish tank! It’s . . . the sponsors! Gentlemen, may I say, your coffee, I can’t live without it. Because it isn’t just coffee. It’s nectar, it’s ambrosia, it’s really more like a drug, isn’t it? I mean, I’m sure you do put a little narcotic in it because I can’t seem to get enough of it. I’ve, I’ve, I’ve got to have that coffee!!!”
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Dixie: “Who’s next? Rudolph? He’s got a red nose, too. . . . we can’t be too careful!”
Gypsy
Rose: “If I coulda been, I woulda been. And that’s show business.”
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Rose: “What do they mean, can’t I read signs? If I can read the fine print on our contracts, I can certainly read letters two feet high. ‘The mother of Miss Gypsy Rose Lee is not allowed backstage at this theater.’ Hummph. Know what I did with that sign? I laid it out on the ground and sent Chowsy III down on it. That dog’s a trooper. She knew what to do!”
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Rose: “We got Herbie for brains, you for talent, and ya both got me . . . to yell at.”
Rose: “If that cow goes, I go!”
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Rose: “It ain’t bunk! Maybe nothin’ wonderful’ll happen to me, but they’re gonna have a
marvelous time!”
Hocus Pocus
Winnifred: “You know, I’ve always wanted a child. And now I think I’ll have one . . . on toast!”
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Billy: “Go to hell!”
Winnifred: “Oh! I’ve been there, thank you. I found it quite lovely.”
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Winnifred: “Oh Look another Gloooorious morning. . . . IT MAKES ME SICK!”
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Winnifred: “Booooooooook, come to mommy!”
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Winnifred: “Hello, I want my book. . . . Bonjour, je veux mon livre.”
Jinxed
Bonita: “There’s no vowels. This isn’t funny, Harold. This isn’t funny.”
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Bonita: “Harold! You look just like Frank Sinatra!”
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Bonita: “Remember that outfit you said you wouldn’t be caught dead in? Well, guess what, Harold. This . . . is it!”
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Bonita: “You came in like a shit-kicker, honey, but you’re not going out like one.”
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Bonita: “Talk to my ass, my head’s had enough.”
Isn’t She Great?
Editor: “You can’t call the male part a dingle.”
Jackie: “Why not?”
Editor: “You just can’t.”
Jackie: “Dingle, dingle, dingle! What do you call it? A butter-churn?”
Oliver and Company
Georgette: “Perfect isn’t easy, but it’s me.”
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Georgette: “I’d like to play with him all right—the little furball!”
Outrageous Fortune
Sandy: “Every guy I have ever slept with . . . and we are way into double digits here, has come back for more, every single one.”
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Lauren: “They’ve been HERE!”
Sandy: “Wait a second, no one has been here, it always looks like this!”
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Sandy: “I’m supposed to have them unhook my IV so I can pay my bills, is that the routine?”
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Sandy: “You know and I know I’m never gonna get another cab to come out here to Vietnam, okay, cue ball?”
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Lauren: “I haven’t seen a single white person on the street.”
Sandy: “There’s one. Oops, they got him!”
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Sandy: “Oh, like that’s really a call he’s gonna take: ‘hello, we’re two starving actresses trying to save the world.’ . . . GET REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Ruthless People
Barbara: “Am I to understand that I am being MARKED DOWN?!!? I’ve been kidnapped by K-MART!”
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Barbara: “Oh my God! I’ve been kidnapped by Huey and Dewey!”
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Barbara: “So, if I look like his mother and you look like his father, this is what our son would look like. Pretty strong argument for birth control.”
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Barbara: “My husband worships the ground I walk on!!! When he hears about this, he will explooooode!”
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Barbara: “Nice butt, that’s what they’ll say on your first day at the men’s club. The San Quentin Country Club. With a cute little rear-end like that, you’ll be the belle of the ball. Your dance card will be full every day! You’ll be making all kinds of new, close, personal friends. Big, ugly, hairy friends. Not that you’ll ever see what they look like. Because you�
��ll be facing the other way.”
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Barbara: “Sometimes, if it’s a firing squad, they miss all the major arteries. BANG! And you don’t die right away. . . . you just kind of hang on . . . bleeding, bleeding . . . endlessly!”
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Barbara: “You miserable scum-sucking pig! Oh, I’m sorry, dear! They made me say that!”
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Barbara: “Help, police, I’ve been kidnapped! Oh, how the hell do I know where I am?!”
Stella
Stella: “You can buy a girl a book . . . but then when she gets home . . . who she gonna talk about it to?”
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Stella: “I wish I knew stuff . . . stuff that’ll make her happy. . . . I wanna her happy.”
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Stella: “A person’s happiness is as good as shows in their FACE. . . .”
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Stella: “I’ve got two hands. . . . I can do it myself.”
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Stella: “I love yah Jenny-girl.”
That Old Feeling
Lilly:“I’m not neurotic, I’m just a bitch.”
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Lilly: “A metaphor! Are WE literary!”
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Lilly: “Your twenties are for having sex with all the wrong people.”
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Lilly: “I haven’t been this happy since it was OK to take drugs.”
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Lilly: “You have more hair. Rogaine? Hair Club for Men? Is it rug?”
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Lilly: I hope she’s getting those lines above her lips right here, ya know. She’s always had that
fabulous tan. I hope she’s a fucking raisin!”
The Rose
The Rose: “I am not a hoochie-koochie woman!”
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The Rose: “Well, that’s okay, cause we don’t eat ’em, neither.” (in reply to “We don’t serve hippies.”)
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The Rose: “Someone’s spreading a rumor that being rich is a drag, but I tell you whoever’s spreading that rumor is dead-ass broke!”
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The Rose: “I don’t even know where the °°°° I am! All these clouds look the same!”
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The Rose: “Colonel! Yoo-hoo! Oh, you know I’m talking to you. Air-borne, Houston, air-borne!”
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The Rose: “People say to me, ‘Rose, when’s the first time you heard the blues?’ You know what I tell ‘em? I tell ‘em, ‘The day I was born!’ ”
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The Rose: “Where ya goin’? Where’s everybody goin’?”
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