by SM Soto
“I hate you,” I whisper harshly. Squaring my shoulders, I nudge him in his chest. “You are not the man I thought you were. You’re a fucking coward. You’re just like everyone else,” I say with disgust. His jaw clenches and he bends into my personal space.
“I never pretended to be that guy, Natalia. He was a figment of your fucked-up imagination. I guess even the smartest people can be stupid.”
My hand swings across his face again, making painful contact. I slap him in the same exact spot as last time. The red welt on his face begins to form, and instead of feeling satisfaction I feel…defeated. Mainly because all the people I’ve ever loved continue to break my heart. But Luke’s betrayal? It hurts more than anything I could’ve imagined. Tears cloud my vision and they spill over, splashing onto my cheeks.
“Stop it,” he grinds out, and I slap him in the face again.
“You don’t get to talk to me. Ever,” I say coldly. His jaw grinds back and forth and the lids of his eyes clench shut tightly.
“You’ve officially broken not just my heart, but my trust, Luke Caldwell. I don’t want to see you ever again.” My voice cracks and the tears flow down my face. Luke’s eyes pop open and they’re red rimmed like he wants to cry, but I don’t wait for another reaction. I leave his apartment and never intend to come back again.
The tears fall faster the closer I get to my car, blocking my eyesight, it’s almost like they’re trying to keep me from leaving. A sob is vibrating in my chest, and I just want to be out of here when that happens. I shuffle toward my car, digging in my purse for car keys. I grasp them in my hand and lift my head up, spotting Gina leaning casually against my car. My steps falter and she notices.
“What is ever the matter, Natalia?” she asks, faking sweetness. I slow to a stop a few feet in front of her and stare at the girl who is supposed to be my sister. The girl who shares half my blood. We share no resemblance, and her actions on a day to day basis are the exact opposite of who I am as a person.
How did I end up with her as a sister? I find myself asking.
“How could you?”
Gina purses her lips in though then pushes off the car toward me. “Because I wanted to.” She shrugs. “Luke was always mine, and of course you had to come running along and take that away from me, again. Just like you always do.”
I squint my eyes at her trying to make sense of what she just said. “What the hell are you talking about Gina? I’ve taken nothing from you. I’ve let you boss me around my whole life, just to freaking please you!” I yell in exasperation. Gina’s nostrils flare and her face scrunches up in anger. She stalks toward me stabbing a finger in my chest.
“You’ve taken everything from me. It was just supposed to be me, but then you came along and ruined everything. My happy family, my daddy’s attention, you got everything.”
I sputter a disbelieving laugh. “You’re kidding right? You got everything, Gina! I was always the one who didn’t matter because Dad had to keep you happy!”
Gina shakes her head at me in disgust. “You’ve taken everything from me, so it was only fair I did the same. Tonight with Luke solidified that,” she sneers with a malicious smile. “You’re just like your whore of a mother. Trying to take what isn’t rightfully yours! I wish you would just drop dead like your worthless mother,” she growls, and I take a menacing step toward her.
“Don’t you ever speak about her ever again. I couldn’t care less about everything else, but you leave her out of it.”
Gina takes a step away from me and smiles victoriously. “I’ll see you around, sister. Don’t be afraid to say hi to me and Luke every now and then. We won’t bite.” She winks and waltzes away with pep in her step.
I stand frozen in the same spot, trying to rein in all the emotions so I can get home safely. I finish the walk to my car on autopilot and get behind the wheel to drive home. I pass the university on the way, and it makes me think of Luke—and I lose it. Tears cloud my vision on the road and a crushing sob leaves my chest. It shakes my entire body like an earthquake. I pull the car off the freeway, onto the shoulder and rest my forehead on my steering wheel. My body wracks with sobs. Everything hurts.
When the tears have minimally subsided after who knows how long, I continue driving home. Upon pulling into my designated parking spot, I inhale a shaky breath and force myself to get out of the car. I drag up the stairs of my apartment complex. Each step takes more effort and force than necessary. The first thing I hear is Sam’s loud boisterous voice when I walk over the threshold into the apartment.
“Jesus where the hell have you been, man! You don’t come home the night before, and you don’t text me back all day? It’s almost eleven Nat. What the fuck—”
Her voice cuts off mid-sentence when she gets a good look at me. My nose is raw from wiping it on the sleeve of my shirt, and my face is still wet from my tears. Sam eyes me up and down, worriedly eating up the space between us.
“Talk to me, babe. You’re freaking me out.” She reaches beside me, prying my hand off the knob of the front door and closes it behind me. I stare into the emerald eyes of my best friend and, like a house of cards, I fall apart. Like a dam breaking free, a soul crushing sob echoes throughout our apartment, and the tears flow down my face in steady streams. Sam wraps me in her arms and holds me tightly. My body sags against her, and it feels like I cry my heart out.
“You were right,” I sob into the crook of her neck. “Luke Caldwell isn’t the guy I thought he was,” I gasp in between breaths, and cry harder at the use of his name. Sam leads me into my bedroom and lies in bed with me, wrapping her arms around me.
“Shhh. It’s okay. I’m here now,” she coos in my ear, making me cry harder. My sobs rack my body, shaking the whole bed.
“Why didn’t anyone tell me it would hurt this much?” I gasp in between words.
“I don’t know, sweetie. I don’t know,” she whispers behind me.
“I feel like I can’t breathe,” I cry. “I just want it to stop.” I feel like my chest is caving in. I grip onto her hand, and sob into the quiet air of my room. I hear Sam sniffle behind me.
“Please stop crying, Natalia.” She sniffles again, squeezing her arms tighter around me. My heart constricts in my chest.
I wish I could.
I let the tears continue to fall until my sobs quiet, turning into shaky hiccups for breath.
“What happened?” Sam whispers. I clench my eyes shut and try to get it out without crying again.
“I slept with him and…not even twenty-four hours later he fucks Gina.”
Saying that sentence out loud shoots pain throughout my body, stabbing my heart over and over. Sam’s body stiffens.
“Where is he?” she grinds out. I try to smile, because knowing Sam, she’s already formulating a plan against him.
God, I love her.
“He’s not worth it. Neither is she. I just want to move on, and forget he ever existed.” I snuggle into her body behind me and close my eyes, relishing the comfort of my best friend’s arms. I’d like to think that if my mom was still here, she’d be doing the same thing for me right now. Gently caressing my hair as she soothes the wounds of my first broken heart.
What inspiring words or advice would she have given me?
Would she have liked Luke?
“I loved him,” I whisper, getting choked up again.
“He doesn’t deserve you,” Sam says vehemently. I nod in agreement because she’s right. I let myself fall in love with the idea of who I wanted Luke Caldwell to be. He was right, I am stupid. Stupid enough to think we could actually be together otherwise. My tears roll down onto my pillow, soaking into the cloth of my sheets. I close my eyes and pray that tomorrow this pain from the gaping hole in my chest won’t hurt as badly.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Luke
“You stupid fuck!” Drew roars slamming my door open. My skull is pounding, and the effort to open my eyes causes me to flinch in pain. I’m still hungover
from yesterday. I feel like the biggest dick on the planet after what went down. I threw up right after Natalia left last night unable to stomach what I did to her. Seeing the pain on her face…it broke me. I broke the heart of a girl who’s been nothing but sweet to me. I deserve whatever’s coming.
“You called her here?” Drew shouts.
“I did what you told me to do,” I rasp. His booming voice makes my head pound harder.
Please, just shut the fuck up.
“No, you fucking didn’t! I never said to fuck her damn sister then bring her here to shove it in her face. She would’ve found out from Gina eventually. That bitch has the biggest mouth on this Earth.”
I cover my eyes with my hands. “It was for her own good,” I say, trying to shrug it off. The movement sends searing pain to my skull, and I do my best to rub the pain away.
“Jesus Christ man, I didn’t mean break her fucking heart like that! She’ll never recover after this. You know that right?”
I clench my jaw tightly, momentarily forgetting the pain.
“You don’t think I fucking know that!” I shout angrily, flinging upright. “I did what I had to do because she deserves better than me, God damn it. I had to make her see that. And now she does. She’ll forget about me, follow her dreams and marry some corny fuck who makes her happy.” My heart aches just thinking about another man with his hands on her. The thought makes my stomach churn, and I have the sudden urge to slam my fist into something. Repeatedly. Drew’s face falls as he looks at me.
“You love her,” he states.
It’s not a question, but a statement, because we both know it’s true. I love the fuck out of that girl which is why I did what I did. I refuse to hold her back any more than her father and sister already have. I needed her to hate me enough to forget about me. It’ll hurt, yeah, but I’ll be a distant memory in her otherwise bright future.
“Fuck man….” Drew sighs. “I’m sorry,” he says solemnly before leaving the room.
I drop onto my bed and close my eyes, recalling the fucked-up events of yesterday. After listening to Jared’s spiel, I knew what I needed to do. It wasn’t hard to get Gina to agree to come over. She practically jumped at the opportunity to be with me. I drank myself numb, knowing I needed something to help me go through with this. I hated Gina’s guts, and that only made stomaching my decision that much more difficult.
When she finally showed up at my place, she didn’t care that I was barely able to stand, she just wanted to fuck. Within seconds of stepping foot into my room, she was naked and ready to go. But just looking at her didn’t do it for me. My cock was flaccid, and all I wanted to do was puke. She looked nothing like Natalia. She didn’t have her perfectly tan skin, her delectable curves, and most of all, she didn’t have her smile. So instead of touching her, I sat in my rolling chair and watched as she touched herself. The whole time I imagined what Natalia would look like doing that. Would her face form that cute little “O” when she was coming? Would she make those sexy little whimpers like she did the night before? I was close to passing out in my chair from all the alcohol when Gina dropped to her knees in front of me and pulled out my cock. Her warm wet mouth sucked in my limp dick and nothing happened. Eventually I hardened up enough to feel a small tingle of pleasure. I grasped the back of her hair tightly, ready to fuck her mouth aggressively, but when she moaned, I froze. She wasn’t Natalia, and I didn’t want this. Any of it. With her mouth still wrapped around me, I yanked away, not interested.
I never came. I wouldn’t give Gina the satisfaction of holding that over Natalia’s head.
Pretty fucked up logic, right? Don’t I know it.
So, I went to my bathroom and finished myself off with the images of Natalia from last night. Her long mane of dark hair that covered her full breasts as she rode my cock. The way she bit her lower lip when I sucked her perfect little nipples into my mouth. The way her tight pussy gripped me every time I would thrust inside her. It was like her body didn’t want me to leave—I sure as shit didn’t want to leave. Her moans and breathless whimpers. All of it sent me over the edge instantly. I had every aspect of the night with Natalia committed to memory. I knew I’d never have her again, but those memories of her were enough.
She was everything.
She is everything.
Coming down from the euphoria, I could faintly hear voices outside my door and knew it would be Natalia. When she texted me asking if she could come over, I agreed because I needed her to see that I was indeed a piece of shit. I needed her to think I fucked her sister so she could move on and forget about me. And that’s exactly what happened.
Hook, line, and motherfucking sinker.
It hurt seeing the pain I caused her, but I did my best to ignore it because I’d never ruin her dreams. And most of all, I’d never let her give up anything because of me. I know I’ll never be the same after what happened last night. Natalia was everything I’ve ever wanted in a girl. It’s just too bad I couldn’t keep her. I’m not good enough for her—and I’ll sure as shit never be the man she needs. No matter how bad I want to be.
I head across campus to the quad to hang out with the guys before my next class. I still feel a little hungover and sluggish from yesterday, but most of all I’m feeling the regret—in fucking spades—of what I did. It hits me in waves. I keep replaying Natalia’s hurt expression in my mind. It’s starting to fuck with my head. I can’t focus on anything but her.
But that’s usually how it always is anyway. Even before that night happened.
“Luke my man!” Jared shouts. “You ready for the Allstar game this weekend?” he asks, getting pumped. Friday is the start of NFLPA Collegiate Bowl where the best draft-eligible college players come out to play a game and show off our skills for the recruiters. If the scouters and recruiters like what they see, you’re asked to stay for a week to show off your skills to potential coaches. This game is what I’ve been working my entire football career for. I should be more pumped. I should be ready to crush all my competition, but the only thing I’m able to focus on is Natalia.
“Yeah man,” I say, lacking the normal enthusiasm I’d have for the game. I shift my eyes away before he can get a read on me. I internally berate myself for not being in the right headspace. This is the whole reason I put Natalia through what I did, I can’t lose sight of it now. I just need to impress the scouts and coaches, securing a deal—so long as I can focus long enough to keep my head in the game.
I catch Drew looking at me out of the corner of his eye. I know he feels bad for the way everything went down. Somehow, he thinks he made me do it, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. It was something I had to do for Natalia’s sake, as fucked up as it sounds.
A sharp nudge to my ribs rips me out of my thoughts. Shifting, I look at Jared who’s staring at something behind me with a frightened expression.
“Does anyone know the angry redhead stalking toward us like she’s about to kill?” Jared asks the group. “Fuck me and there’s a blonde one too. Angry chicks make me so horny man.” Jared groans, adjusting his junk.
I whip around and my body tenses. Fuck me.
Samantha.
And Aliza. Who does not look too happy to see me either. I walk away from the guys to get a little privacy and close the distance between us.
“You stupid mother fucker!” Sam snarls as she stalks up to me. Her knee makes contact with my balls and white hot pain shoots through my sack. I groan loudly in pain, falling to my knees with a loud thump.
“What the fuck!” I hiss in pain on the ground, barely able to breathe. My breath wheezes in and out as Sam leers over me with a permanent scowl etched on her face.
“I told you if you hurt her I’d fucking kill you. But you didn’t listen to me, did you? You’re lucky this is all you’re getting from me. If she didn’t beg that I leave you alone, I wouldn’t have a problem murdering you.”
I can’t help the smile that turns up at the corners of my lips. The fact t
hat Natalia has friends like Samantha and Aliza, willing to do anything on her behalf lets me know she’s in good hands. At least better than she was with me.
The angry ball of fire stalks away and starts arguing with the blonde one about something. Aliza cautiously walks up to me while I’m on the ground with my hands firmly wrapped around my junk. Sam is still fuming from a few feet away, looking like a ball of fire. Aliza offers her tiny hand for me to get up, but I don’t use it, afraid I’ll break her.
“I’m sorry about that,” she says uncomfortably. “I told her maybe a good right hook was more than enough buuuut…you know how Sam is.”
I inhale deeply, trying to ease the pain in my groin. When I look up, I’m met with an angry pair of blue eyes. For such a little thing, she sure does look like she holds a lot of anger.
“I want to know why,” she says with her hands on her hips. “I’ve seen the way you look at her. So, I want to know why the hell you did that even though you love her.”
My chest aches and I get a pang in my heart. I look everywhere but her.
“I did it for her. I love her enough to show her that I’m not good enough for her. She deserves better than me. She can do better.”
Aliza’s face falls and her eyes water. Fucking great. I made another girl cry in less than forty-eight hours. You’re on fire Caldwell.
“Don’t you think she should be the judge of that?” she says quietly. My jaw clenches.
“No,” I grind out. Aliza cocks her head to the side and stares at me. The intensity of her stare makes me uncomfortable. Jesus, feels like she’s reading my damn mind or something.
“You know, I think it’s really chivalrous that you want to protect her from yourself,” she says making my eyes widen. What the hell?
“But I also think it’s really fucking stupid that you threw away the love of a lifetime because you were too afraid to take a chance,” she says sadly. I dart my eyes away from hers and the ache in my chest intensifies because I know she’s right. I had a lot of reasons for doing what I did, but that was the main one. I was a fucking coward.