“Yeah?” she trembled, dismayed that he had pulled his hand away.
“Please sit. We’re not done. Don’t let the devil and your pride keep you from even getting started.”
Phoenix whirled around. Paulo gestured to the vacated place on the bench. “What does the devil have to do with it?”
Paulo refused to sit until Phoenix sat first. “More than you think. But let’s get into that later. I apologize for starting things off on the wrong foot. I know the right order of things and I skipped the most important part.”
Phoenix flinched when Paulo grabbed her hand, causing sparks to shoot from her fingers, up her arm, to her ringing ear, to her brain. She exhaled at the warmth that coursed through her from her palm, where her skin met fully against his.
Wasting no time, Paulo clasped their entwined hands with his other one. “Father, thank You for bringing us here to work on the tasks You have set before us. We ask for forgiveness for all of our sins. Lord, have Your way in this initial meeting and every meeting between us from this day forward. Lead us both, Holy Spirit, to where You want us to go. Please achieve what only You can achieve in Phoenix and I working together, in our new friendship, and whatever will come of it. Let Your will alone be done in our lives as individuals and in our new relationship. Help us to build each other up. Use me in Phoenix’s life as You intended, Lord. Cause me to be a light to her, Lord Jesus, as You use me, a broken vessel, to minister to Phoenix and to help her achieve her goals. Minister to me as well, Lord, and use Phoenix in my life as You intended. God, bring us close to You and continue to lead us. Let Your divine inheritance in Christ, through the works of salvation, and for abundance here on earth, as Your Word promises come forth. And please, let us speak to each other in loving truth, and open communication, that would not cause us to quarrel, get defensive, or hurt each other. Rather, Lord, let every conversation, revelation, or constructive advice be used in the building up of one another in Jesus. In Christ Jesus’s Name we pray, amen. Thank You, God!”
Phoenix’s mind was swirling. Again she felt peace and power pulsing around them in the wide open spaces surrounding their little area on the park bench. She became relaxed as she let the feeling wash over her. Paulo continued to clasp her hand in both of his, still not uttering a word.
After a few minutes, Phoenix found herself missing his voice and wanting to ask him so many things. “Paulo?” she asked, quietly, afraid to jar the tiny space of quiet they had in a noisy, filled park.
“Hmmmm?” Paulo turned his sleepy eyes to hers and instantly, they became alert, ready. He looked down at their clasped hands. He chuckled. “I’ll give you back your hand now.”
“Oh, it’s alright,” Phoenix answered quickly, already feeling lonely when her hand was removed from the security of his palms. “I just had a question.”
“Yes,” Paulo breathed. With his eyes a luminous gold and his eyebrows raised, he asked, “What it is?”
“Do you always pray before doing things?”
Paulo chuckled. “Yes,” he answered.
Phoenix waited for further explanation. After several seconds, she added, “Uh, care to elaborate?”
“Oh, sure.” Paulo looked at the sky. “The Word says that we ought to commit our plans to the Lord and He will cause them to succeed. So I pray on every single thing in my life. Nothing is too small or too big for God. He cares about our quick conversations, just like He cares about life-altering endeavors. He’ll even care about my finding a parking space in Harlem late at night if I ask Him to.” Paulo smiled with the tenderness of a man admiring his Dad. “I can go to my God about anything and He’ll answer if it pleases Him.”
“Oh.” And Phoenix let his words speak to her. She tried to reach out the memory of the time she had felt the same way, but could not quite grasp it. The words were still beautiful to hear and filled her with hope. “So when you asked Him to help me do in your life, just as you do in mine, what did you mean?”
“Um….” Paulo nudged her shoulder with his own before turning to look at her again. “I know I said He told me to approach you and offer help, which I am ready to give, but who knows? There may be something God will use you to teach me. Maybe this…partnership will bear fruit in my life, just as much as I pray it will in yours. That’s what I meant. We’ll just have to see. Now about what I was saying to you earlier, Phoenix?”
Phoenix’s face grew hot. “Yeah, so sorry about my outburst.”
Paulo raised a hand. “No worries. I just want you to understand that just because you have all this training and education doesn’t mean there aren’t new things God may use me, or other means, to teach you. God desires to give us His wisdom and that is not often taught in doctoral programs in psychology. If it was, so many people who have been under the care of mental health experts would not still be lost…or have been lost. I know someone who killed herself after years of being in and out of mental hospitals. So don’t take it personal if I bring something up for you to consider. Who knows what the Holy Spirit will lead me to share? And like I said, just as you may learn new things from me, I can learn a heap of things from you. Maybe God will use us to help each other.”
Phoenix smiled. “I like the sound of that. Me and someone else helping each other, and not just me helping someone and that person refusing to help me.”
“Exactly. We, as God’s children, should be helpful to each other. Even when God sends someone to help someone, He always finds a way to bring increase to the person He sent as well. Sometimes while we’re helping someone else, we are getting ministered to, or experience healing, as well.”
“Wow, I’ve never thought of it that way.” Phoenix chewed on Paulo’s words for a few more minutes. “But speaking of helping me. How are you going to help me? I’ve been doing this, fighting this thing, back and forth for years. I’ve tried every diet, joined about fifteen health clubs and activities, even lost weight only to gain it back again. It has never worked. I never know how to carry myself with style. I never have the confidence to continue the effort.”
“Which leads me back to the first question. How do you deal with stress? Or, rather, how do you deal with the stress of trying to achieve a goal that is within reach but seems so out of your reach? How do you deal with the stress of wanting to achieve what seems impossible, Phoenix?”
“I guess…” Phoenix searched her mind to get a better understanding of her methods. “I’ve tried various tools, I guess. I have tried to use tools that I’ve been taught to teach others. I am, after all, a firm believer of practicing what you preach. I’ve tried keeping a journal of my written goals and recording my progress daily. I’ve tried therapy. I’ve done the self-help book thing, you know, reading up on what the experts have to say. I’ve tried everything to get myself motivated and it works…for a while, but I have trouble sticking to it. I’ve tried to pray, but—”
“Prayer? Have you really tried to pray about these goals of yours that have always seemed to slip through your fingers?”
“Of course. I have asked God so many times to change my lifestyle, to help me eat right and exercise, to help me become beautiful. I’ve asked Him to change my food cravings and cause me to crave healthy foods instead.”
“Sounds like a good start, Phoenix, it really does. But, honestly— and please don’t get upset—it also sounds like you tried prayer after trying all your tools and methods and kits and therapy. See, the Word of God teaches us to cast our cares upon God and God will renew our strength. He cares about what you care about, Phoenix. He does. And he wants you to be healthy. But He cares about what’s in your heart more than He cares about your looks or weight. He wants You to try His way first, before you try man’s ways. I believe it’s why you haven’t had success in this area of your life.”
“But my ways have helped me achieve all my other goals!” Phoenix’s voice rose. Right away, she was in a struggle against Pride, which was trying to speak through her again. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. It’s j
ust that I don’t get what you mean ‘cause I have achieved my other goals.”
“Like what? Is everything the way you want it in your life?” Paulo stared in her eyes unblinkingly. “Now think carefully, Phoenix. Have you achieved all the goals in your heart?”
So Phoenix sat quietly with her thoughts as Paulo waited for an answer he already knew. Pride tried to remind her of how she was so close to finishing her doctorate. How she lived in a nice apartment and had friends and took care of her family with no help from anyone. Her finances were in order, even though she despised her current job. But was she really able to say that her desires and goals had been achieved?
Silencing the voices that rose up within her, Phoenix breathed the words, “No, not in the way I had hoped.”
“How so?” Paulo leaned in and gave her his attention.
“I am still trying to finish the degree I just knew I would have obtained at least two years ago. I am struggling with my research and I don’t know why. Still, I’ve known people to get their doctorate in ten years so I still gave myself credit.” Phoenix looked away. “I hate the way my mother and I relate to each other. I want to be closer to her, respect her more, honor her more. But sometimes I lash out at her because I just hate how she thinks. I want friends I can depend on who love me unconditionally. I want love from a good man, a man who will be my husband and give me children to raise. I want to help people for a living, really help people get over depression and low self-esteem and addictions. I want to live a good life and go to Heaven when I die. I want to return to a church one day, but I’ve been so busy…”
“What else?” Paulo leaned even closer.
Phoenix paused as she breathed in Paulo’s minty cologne. “Um, I guess I just want to stop failing at everything I am involved in or try to do. I have been telling myself that I’ve done alright, but it seems like every time I get close to the finish line, I stop short, unable to make that last leap to cross over. I don’t have to finish first in the race. I just want to finish the durn race in the first place. I never quite finish whatever I’m racing for.”
“I know what you mean. I used to feel that way all the time, Hun. Trust me. You’re not alone in that.” Paulo chuckled. “I used to feel like everything I touched turned to a pile of manure…something that started out to be so nourishing and delicious going into it, like a wonderful meal I’ve spent time and preparation cooking, becomes nothing more than decaying waste when it comes back out.”
“Oh yeah!” Phoenix’s jaw dropped as she regarding this gorgeous man seated on her right. “Exactly, man! It tastes so good going into it like the best meal you’ve ever had and ends up nothing but rotting, stinking sh—, uh, mess coming back out of us.”
“Yeah,” Paulo laughed. “Mess. That’s the perfect word. Stinking, rotting mess. And it’s because, Phoenix, we’re not eating at the Lord’s table. It’s because we’re eating our own food rather than the meal that God has already prepared for us to eat. That meal could be a relationship, a career, a home we want to buy, or any other aspect of our lives. We’re not eating at His table, not eating God’s solid food. Instead, we’re choosing to eat what we prepare with our own hands. And it becomes just like we already said.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Paulo laughed again. “But praise God anyway, Phoenix, because there is good news.”
“There is?” Phoenix resisted the urge to roll her eyes and tell him that church folk always claim there is good news coming from the worst things that happen in life.
“Oh yeah, Miss. There is. The Bible says that God can take the most rotting, stinking mess—the most putrid pound of manure that comes out of us—and create new life from it.”
Phoenix pursed her lips. “Yeah, right. And how is that, Paulo?”
“Listen, I don’t want to preach to you…
Phoenix flashed a grin. Ha! He doesn’t want to preach to me. “Tell me.”
Okay, but before I answer that, answer me this: what do farmers all over the world use to grow new crops?”
“Um…” Phoenix shrugged, unable to admit she was at a loss.
“Fertilizer…which is nothing more than a rotting, stinking pound of manure.” Paulo sat back, arms folded as he let his words sink in, struggling not to flash a satisfied smile. “God can take a pound of manure that comes out of us from the meal we insisted on preparing. God plants the seeds and uses those messes to create new crops. Jesus is the Living Water that helps those new crops grow and the Holy Spirit makes those growing crops bear fruit. But first, we have to let God have complete control over the things in our lives that we hope will bear fruit.”
Phoenix was aghast at just how much his complicated words made sense. “Man, what did I even bother going into school for anyway?”
Paulo laughed. “Hey, I am a licensed counselor too! I am not saying your education is useless, but God’s ways are not our ways. And His ways always, always work. Even when we fail and create a pound of manure in our lives, His power and His ways can still take that mess and turn it into new life. That is why I said He wants us to commit everything to Him and His ways before we attempt to achieve our goals. Sometimes, He changes the goals themselves according to His plan. Any other way causes some level of chaos and stress in our lives.”
“Sounds about right.”
“So again, that is why I asked about you about managing stress. We must first cast our cares upon God before making any move towards any goals we hope to achieve. We must first invite Him into our lives then invite Him to take control. And He’ll invite us to begin eating from His table. And the thing that will come out of us will be nothing short of miraculous. Even in the areas of losing weight or getting a long-sought after doctorate. And that stress that causes you to smoke cigarettes or overeat will no longer have control of your life.”
Phoenix stared at a group of children playing tag several feet away as she processed Paulo’s words. She strived to make her ways line up with how Paulo had described God’s ways.
She had no idea how to do that.
“What are you thinking, Phoenix?” Paulo asked, his voice low. “Did I scare you with my mini-sermon?”
“No. It sounds right, and makes sense. I used to, but I just don’t know how to use that sense in my own life anymore. I just don’t want to fail again.”
“Do you believe what I am saying? Before trying to make it fit into perfectly carved corners in your already analytical mind, ask yourself if you can believe it. Even before you even fully understand how it all works, and how it will work for you, examine your heart. Can you believe it?”
“Yes, Paulo, I can. I don’t know how it works, and don’t understand why it makes sense. I just know that it does. I hope I can one day see the how and why of it all in my own life and goals. But for now, I will believe without all the details.”
“And that’s all God wants, Girl. For you to take a risk and believe without all the details of how He’ll work it out and why it will suddenly make perfect sense. He just wants you to believe…to have faith. Can you have faith?”
“I want it,” Phoenix answered. She sighed. “I thought I had it. But frankly, after all these years of feeling like a failure, an outcast, an ugly duckling that never got to transform into the beautiful swan, I started to lose it. But yes, I want to have faith again.”
“Then we’ll believe God to restore your faith. Are you willing to let Him do that whatever way He chooses?”
Phoenix looked around and cackled. “I’m here, ain’t I? I’m sitting, yet again on this park bench, baring my soul, trusting your story, and believing that you can help me, right?’
“Lady,” Paulo frowned, and shook his head before continuing. “I’m not asking you to trust me or put your faith in me. I’m nothing. God chose to use me but could have easily used a rabid dog to do His work if He wanted. I’m encouraging you to put your faith in God Himself and to let God decide how He will build your faith, and bring you through. I am asking you to rely on God ins
tead of yourself…or me for that matter. Stop eating from your own table, and please don’t try to eat from mine. Instead let us join God at His table and eat His food. The first step is to have a tiny bit of faith. Can you trust Him to do the rest?”
Phoenix wanted to readily agree, but a part of her held back. It sounds too easy, the devil whispered. And he’ll probably try to get something from you just like everyone else.
And for a second, she believed the voice that spoke into her mind. But she looked into the light in Paulo’s eyes and just as quickly, it smothered the voice of darkness.
“Yeah,” she whispered, barely loud enough for Paolo to hear. “I’ll give God a little faith and see what happens.”
Even though her words were barely loud enough for Paulo to hear, God had heard. It was those words that caused the Lord to issue his next commands.
And Paulo waited, with a smile on his face, as His Spirit guided him on what was next. Paulo knew the battle was not with Phoenix’s weight or skin problems or loneliness or broken relationships. Paulo knew that the battle was for her soul and her heart. And even as the merciful Father would use Paulo to grant His daughter a major desire of her heart, Paulo knew God’s ultimate plan was to win her soul. Paulo felt it was God’s desire to have Jesus right in the middle of Phoenix’s heart, in His rightful place. Paulo knew, because His Spirit, had told him about Phoenix. And Paulo knew that Phoenix was in the middle of a battle that had nothing to do with her appearance, but everything to do with her place in the Father’s Kingdom. And Paulo would be careful, this time, to listen to God. Because the last time he did things his own way, He had failed to do his work, and one of God’s own children had nearly been lost in the battle. This time, God would lead the way and Paulo would do his part as instructed by the Spirit of the Lord.
As he and Phoenix watched life happening around them in the park, he let the Spirit of the Lord instruct him on how to proceed. Not hearing a voice like one would on a telephone call, but rather a quiet, still voice within, Paulo saw the next few steps of the plan laid out. Paulo wanted to know the entire plan but knew better to demand that God show him more than God felt he was ready to know. So he heeded the Lord’s instructions and waited until the Lord gave him the release to present it to Phoenix.
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