Shrugging off the negative thoughts, Phoenix took off the old muumuu and stepped into a fresh tee shirt and shorts. She kicked off her ratty slippers and slipped into closed-toe flat slides. She wanted to wear flip flops but her toes had not seen a nail shop in ages.
She came out with a renewed smile. “That’s better.”
“Yes,” Paulo nodded as he held out a chair for her. “You look much better now.”
Phoenix sat, thanking him again for his politeness, and looked at the meal. Because the day was so hot, she was grateful that Paulo had made potato salad with lettuce and tomatoes on pita bread. He also cut up slices of apples, oranges, kiwi, and green grapes for a simple fruit salad.
Phoenix shook her head. “I don’t know how to thank you, P. This is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me and I don’t even know you…” her voice trailed off as she stared at him. A tear slipped down her cheek.
Before Paulo could respond, the doorbell rang. Phoenix jumped up to answer the door. When she opened it, a man in a blue uniform was standing there with a huge cart. “Laundry pickup?”
Phoenix blinked, “Uh…um, what? I didn’t—”
“Hey,” Paulo interrupted, appearing in the doorway with the large garbage bags that he passed to the man. “Here you go. Please tell me, what time will these be delivered?”
“Tomorrow afternoon.” the man answered, looking at his sheet. “Around four? Cash on delivery.”
“You guys are to charge it to my account. I told them already. Here, let me sign.”
After Paulo signed the order form, he handed the guy a ten dollar tip. “God bless you, Man.”
Phoenix was beside herself. “You…you’re having my laundry done too?”
Paulo grinned. “I was thinking about running downstairs to just do it myself while we ate, but I don’t think I’m supposed to handle your undergarments so—”
Phoenix was shaking her head and fanning herself, as tears flooded her cheeks. “I can’t believe…” she burst into more tears. “Thank you,” she whispered.
Good, keep crying. Keep letting it out, Paulo thought as he reached over and caught the tears on his index finger.
“No, Sweetie, thank God. I’m just doing what He told me to do. I can’t take credit for this at all, believe me.” Paulo chuckled to himself as he remembered just how desperately he raged against God’s plan for his new friend. He grabbed her hand and led her back to the dining table. Once she was seated, he made her a plate.
“Still, Paulo. You came in here after I ducked and dodged you—like you said—for, like, weeks, and actually cleaned up my apartment! You’re paying for my laundry to get done? I mean, who does that? Then you make me food? It’s too much. You’re too much.” Phoenix said, her eyes wide and sparkling as her gratitude shifted into admiration…and something else as they devoured every inch of his gorgeous face.
It was the something else that caused Paulo’s eyes to swing away from hers as he began to arrange his own plate. “Uh, let us pray.” He grabbed her hand. “Father, we thank You. I thank You for using me and for allowing us this time of fellowship. Please bless our meal. Please continue to have Your way in Phoenix’s life and in mine. Please draw us both closer to You and lead us in this new…friendship, arrangement, or whatever this will be in Your timing. In Jesus’ Name we pray, thanking You, Lord. Amen.”
“Hmmmm…amen,” Phoenix echoed, reluctantly, before digging in.
For a while they ate silently until Phoenix said. “This is good. I’ve eaten potato salad a thousand times. But this is different. It’s spicier than I’ve had.”
“Yeah, I’m big on spicy, Phoenix. I’m Brazilian, remember?” He chuckled. “Actually, not all Brazilian foods are spicy but I am from the Northeast region, known as Bahia, where our foods tend to be spicier. This dish is called salada de batata com atum. It’s basically a potato salad mixed with tuna, very similar to potato salad recipes from here and around the world. I was going to make a plain tuna salad, but when I saw you had potatoes, I decided to pull out my mom’s special recipe.” He smiled then took another forkful. “I know the starch will give you energy as well. Starch is good…in moderation.”
“Hmmm, well it’s perfect for today, thank you. I love spicy foods too. What’s the spice in this?” Phoenix said, arranging the salad on a bed of lettuce before taking another huge bite of the refreshing meal. She took a bite of the toasted, buttered whole grain pita bread next.
“Well, my mãe…my mother, she uses jalapenos. I added a tiny touch of freshly grated ginger as well.”
Phoenix wrinkled her nose. “Hmmm, really? Ginger? I can feel its heat but couldn’t make out the taste. It’s good, but why ginger?”
Paulo laughed. “Ginger is a great remedy for so many ailments. I use it to cure everything from gas and bloating to fatigue and sluggishness. Sorry to say it, but you looked a bit…drained when I first got here.”
Phoenix looked down. Of course I looked hideous. I always do. She continued to chew through her rapidly decreasing appetite.
“Phoenix?”
She kept staring at her plate and chewing.
“Phoenix, look at me!” Paulo commanded in a booming voice.
She looked up but refused to meet his eyes.
“I didn’t say you looked unattractive. I said you looked…tired.” Paulo grabbed her hand.
“Uh-huh,” Phoenix answered, tugging her hand away. “I get it.”
“So I thought the ginger would give you a boost of energy, along with the fruit and my famous iced chá mate gelado com limão.”
“What’s that?” Phoenix asked in a low voice. “I’m mesmerized by the exotic name of the drink.”
With a rueful shrug and smirk, Paulo responded, “Iced tea with lemon.” He lifted the glass to Phoenix’s face and held her eyes with his own. “Try it,” he gently commanded.
Phoenix grabbed the glass and sipped. “Wow. That is good. It’s sweet.”
“Yes, I used pure cane sugar, none of that dangerous processed stuff.”
“I won’t lose any weight with drinks like these.”
Paulo laughed, delighted that she was thinking about her goals again. “Everything in moderation. That’s how I feel about it. God obviously gave us sugar so it can’t be dangerous. How we use it, and what we do with it, makes all the difference in the world.”
Silence resumed as they finished their meal. Paulo sat staring at this girl whose eyes refused to meet his since he had spoken about her appearance. He watched her chew the apples, grapes and oranges thoughtfully, as if she was trying to figure out what they were. He wanted to tell her that they were what people called fruit and that she should eat some once in a while, rather than cartons of beef fried rice and pepperoni pizza. He held back the words as the Holy Spirit nudged him out of his frustration. He breathed and waited, trying to reconnect with the compassion he’d begun to feel for her.
Admonishing himself for letting the devil fill his mind with thoughts of being burdened, Paulo reached out to touch Phoenix’s hand again. Jolted by the energy that raced up his arm, he let out a breath and snatched his hand from hers.
Okay, she must have just shocked me. He took another breath and forced himself to grab her hand for the third time. “Phoenix, will you look at me, please?
It took everything within Phoenix to fight the crushing weight of self-revulsion to find the confidence to lift her head. “Yeah?” she whispered.
“Please, Phoenix, forgive me. I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I really was commenting on your looking exhausted and overwhelmed. I was not trying to offend you and for doing so, I am sorry.”
Phoenix shrugged. “I know. Besides it’s nothing I haven’t heard before. And you’re right. Everyone is right! I don’t look good—”
“Phoenix, please, I didn’t say that,” Paulo gripped her fingers as if pressing on them would press his actual words into her perception. “Listen, I did not say you don’t look good, I said –”
“That I l
ooked tired, drained, overwhelmed…I know what I heard you say and I know what you didn’t want to say. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. You did me a huge favor and made this nice, healthy meal. You cleaned my apartment…you have done more for me in a few hours than my ex did in almost two years. Most importantly, I can see you haven’t given up on me. So let’s move on from this, okay?” And Phoenix’s lips quivered as she tried to shape them into a smile. Her lips felt stretched beyond their limit on her face. The corners of her lips quivered as she fought to hold the smile in place.
“Okay,” Paulo ground out. He looked around. “Now that this place is presentable, I can see you have a nice place here. Can I ask you a personal question?”
Phoenix threw back her head and gave off a sound that could have been laughter if it didn’t sound like the cry of a vulture. “Personal as opposed to what?”
“Personal as opposed to offensive,” Paulo answered, smiling. “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but why did you have so many linens on the floor of your bedroom? Have you been sleeping on the floor?”
Phoenix stood and went over to the couch and began doing something she hadn’t done in weeks: straightening up. She placed her textbooks and papers in neat piles on the coffee table and sat down.
Paulo came to sit next to her and she tensed as the salty smell of his sweat mixed with his minty cologne. She inhaled and let his scent calm her churning stomach.
“Again, Phoenix, I am sorry if I have offended you.”
Sighing, Phoenix stared straight ahead. She couldn’t bear being close to him. When she turned to him briefly, his amber eyes filled her line of vision, bright like the sun, and just as scorching. She looked away again. “You didn’t offend me. I’m just embarrassed to admit that I have been sleeping on the floor…or on the couch if I feel like it.”
“But why when you have a huge bed to sleep on?”
“Because…” her lip trembled, “because I caught him with that girl on that bed. I can’t sit, lay, or sleep on it ever again. It’s new and I’m still paying on it, so I don’t have the money to buy another one just yet.”
“So you’ve been sleeping on the floor? Seriously?” Paulo’s face broke as he suddenly understood the bottomless pit of pain Phoenix was struggling to climb out of, centimeter by centimeter.
“Yeah, Man. Every time I look at it, I wish I could just burn it. But of course, I can’t set the whole building on fire.” She let off a humorless laugh.
“No, you can’t do that. But you’re going to keep fanning the flames burning up your life, though, right?”
Phoenix rolled her eyes. “Here we go.”
Paulo leaned forward and arched his neck until his face was directly in line with Phoenix’s gaze. He grabbed her knees and swung them towards him, until she was facing him on the couch. “Listen, Sweetheart. I am so sorry you’ve been suffering, but getting him out of your life was the best thing God could have done for you. I am so grateful, on your behalf, that He is taking you through this short time of pain, rather than allowing you to go through a lifetime of it. Can you imagine what your life would be like if you’d been allowed to marry him? This will pass, but only if you allow Him to help you move on.”
Phoenix jumped up. “Move on?” she cackled, allowing darkness to well up inside her. It choked out the little sense of peace she had begun to feel in Paulo’s presence. “Move on?” she yelled, her voice bouncing off the walls. “Move on? How can you say that? Do you know what he did to me? I walked in here and caught him getting oral sex from a woman in my house, a woman he chose to cheat on me with, two months before we were to be married. A woman he chose to bring here, set up a romantic dinner for, and make love to. A woman he chose over me because of her looks. Not because she was good to him, took care of his family, loved him, and had his back. A woman who was prettier. That was his reason for squatting on my life and taking a huge dump on it!”
Paulo reached for her. “Listen—”
“Listen to what?” Phoenix screeched as she snatched away. “Listen to you tell me how God did me a favor? He is the one who has made me look this way, so ugly, with this crazy shape, with this dark, problem skin! He is the one who gave me a mother who refuses to love me because I inherited her bad genes. He is the one who finally allowed me to get a boyfriend, for the first time in years, only to allow Cedric to crush my heart. God did me a favor? The only favor He could have done was to allow me to end all of this like I wanted to six weeks ago.”
“You wanted to end your life?” Paulo swallowed.
Collapsing on the hardwood floor, Phoenix began to tremble. “Yeah, I guess I did. I don’t even remember anything, but I woke up with a spilled bottle of Ambien near me and an empty bottle of vodka. I think I was going to do it if I had not passed out.” Her eyes were narrowed with disgust as she looked up at Paulo. “I couldn’t even finish that right.”
“When was this?” Paulo asked, as his heart began to flip over in his chest.
“It was the night before I saw you in the park that day, after the fight with my mother. I had spent several days drinking in here and one night, I found my old bottle of pills in the bathroom. I believe I started taking them, and for some reason, I passed out before I could finish the job…at least I think that’s what happened.”
Paulo’s mind flashed back to the vision he had of Phoenix lying in a room, surrounded by empty liquor bottles. He thought about the hours of intercessory prayer and week of fasting he had stumbled through. He was humbled by God’s mercy. He was ashamed at how he had protested when the Lord had chosen to use him to help fight for Phoenix’s life. It was a blessing that the Lord had not given up on Phoenix or himself. Paulo wanted to tell her, but felt it wasn’t the time because she would not understand.
“You feel God did this to you?” his voice wavered as he inwardly thanked God for saving Phoenix.
“Who else?” she snapped. “God is the one who creates us, right? Why did He make me like this? Unattractive, unlovable, and unable to even make it right?” She jumped off the floor. “You keep talking about God, praying, giving Him glory, but for what?” she sneered. “I used to believe, but what am I believing in? His love? His mercy? His joke on me and my life? What’s the point of making someone if He won’t allow them to experience love? Love of any kind? Love from family, love from friends, or love from a life mate? Seriously!” Phoenix began to pace, suddenly filled with the most energy she had felt in a long while. The energy was of darkness and filled her to the brim with rage, frustration, and accusations. But if felt right. She felt alive. “How can I worship a God who causes people to feel so rejected by everybody He places in their lives?
Paulo was stunned at the level of bitterness he heard in Phoenix’s voice. He would have preferred anger because anger, at least, was temporary. Paulo knew that once bitterness took root in a person, it could infect every aspect of a person’s life. Paulo had no idea how to help Phoenix overcome bitterness, so he decided to help her with the anger. He paused to inwardly ask the Lord to lead. He was more than surprised with the words that came tumbling out of his mouth. “Are you angry, Phoenix? Good! You should be. But don’t be angry at God. Be angry at the devil for stealing, killing, and destroying all the promises and plans that God had for you from the beginning of time. And be angry at yourself for helping him along the way.”
Phoenix gnashed her teeth. “So this is my fault, then?” she growled. “I am the one who chose to put me in my life, to make me in this way, to give me the family I grew up in, and to take away every shred of love I’ve always longed for? Yeah, you would say it’s my fault. Christians never place the blame where it belongs…on the God Almighty Himself.”
Paulo began to throb all over his body. His temple throbbed with his own irritation. His heart throbbed with a need to defend his beloved Father. His lips throbbed with the need to tell Phoenix the real truth about her circumstances, while his hands throbbed with a need to punch something.
But the Spirit’s whisper c
almed him instantly. Gently, My son. Truth should build up, not tear down. Share My Truth.
Even as the Spirit of God spoke truth to Paulo, the enemy of God led him to say the one thing a person should never say to a person who is in rage:
“Phoenix, I need you to calm down. Please, Phoenix, calm down.”
“Calm down?” Phoenix seethed. “Calm down? You come in here telling me all this is my fault and then you tell me to calm down?” She laughed. “Okay, I thank you for cleaning up this pig pen and boiling up some potatoes and cutting up fruit to feed me. But don’t come in here upsetting me and then telling me to calm down in that condescending tone.”
“Phoenix—”
He doesn’t understand you, Phoenix. He only cares about God, Satan whispered. You should get him out of here. Aren’t you sick of all his preaching?
“Just shut up and get out! I don’t need your help. I don’t want your help! I am sick of your preaching! You can’t help me just like I can’t help myself!” Phoenix shouted. “I want you out!”
And Paulo started to get up and leave, until the Spirit reminded him that Phoenix wasn’t doing all of the talking on her own.
Paulo struggled against his burden to help for a moment before surrendering to the Spirit of God. Jesus, help me against the enemy’s efforts, he prayed.
“Phoenix,” Paulo continued in a soothing voice. “I care about you. I am not going to leave right now, okay? I want to share with you how God can help you. He can also help me to help you in ways you can’t even imagine.”
The Makeover Page 14