And he couldn’t bear the idea of falling for a woman who had not fallen for God.
And he was angry that all of this seemed to be happening again, nine years later.
When the Spirit completed His prayer in tongues, He said, I never called you to save anyone. That is My job.
Paulo began to weep. “Why Lord are You doing this to me? Why are You allowing me to be tempted…tested with all this? I can’t face this, Lord. Why are you allowing me to fall for another woman who doesn’t love herself? A woman who is so broken?”
My son, you learned to love yourself because of My love for you. Show Phoenix My love, by showing her your love.
“I don’t know if I can deal with this, Father,” Paulo sobbed. “What if she continues on like this, consumed with self-hatred? At least with Liz, it was her illness doing most of it. With Phoenix…I don’t know. She is so afraid, so broken. Her self-hatred is like a wall around her mind and heart and I can’t get through. What if I let myself love her and lose her because of it?”
Trust Me, my Son. You didn’t trust me for Elizabeth, but you were a spiritual baby then, still drinking milk. You have since been eating solid food and are maturing in your faith. You can trust Me. Just have faith. Trust Me with Phoenix.
“But God, I thought I was going to help her find You and help her achieve her goals. I had no idea You placed her in my path for more…” Paulo’s words trailed away as he stretched out on the ground before him, placing his forehead to the floor.
My son, My ways are not your ways. He that finds a wife finds a good thing...
“Wife?” Paulo jumped off the floor. “Wife?” He began to pace. “Wife? God, I can’t do this again. I can’t—” he gulped. “I’ve decided to stay single, Lord. I can’t do this again. Besides, she’s not even saved, Lord and—”
Whenever I decide to do something through you, I first will get you from where you are to where I am.
“God, I don’t understand—”
You will, My son. Just continue to show her My love by showing her your love. Be kind and compassionate. Be salt and light. Help her. Cast your cares unto the Lord and I will renew your strength. My will be done.
At the final tone of the Spirit’s words, Paulo surrendered with the dropping of his shoulders and the shutting of his eyes. “Okay, Father. I give in. I will trust You for her growth, salvation, and to take our relationship where You have purposed for it to be. Thank You, Lord.”
My son…
“Yes, Father, here I am,” Paulo sighed in relief as the crushing presence of God began to lessen degree by degree.
Repent for your behavior.
Chuckling, Paulo went back to his knees. “Father, in the Name of Jesus, I confess my bitterness, my pride, my fear, and my anger. I confess being unkind with Phoenix because of my own issues. I confess running from You when I could have dealt with this Your way. Please forgive me. I repent and surrender to your complete control, again. It is not by my power or might that I will see the victory both in Phoenix and in myself, but by the Holy Spirit. Spirit of God, please give me the grace to love this woman as You want me to. Show me how to minister, in word and action, so that she may accept Christ. Please send other messengers and mentors that may spur her to seek You as well. And Lord, teach me to love her, even when she is too weak to love herself. Teach me to love her enough for the both of us and teach her to love me back. Teach us both to love You first and keep You first, no matter the cost. Thank You for dealing with my lingering roots of bitterness that I didn’t realize were still there. I nail it all right now on the cross, Jesus. Please lead me to do Your will for You to bring glory to Your Name through me. And please help me to wait on You to bring her to salvation before pursuing her in an unequally yoked fashion. In Jesus’ Name, I pray. Thank you, Lord.”
And when the Spirit’s presence receded, Paulo could fully breathe again. He was thankful whenever the Lord, in His mercy, felt the need to bear down upon him in that way. But it was terrifying to experience the presence of God in that way, too. He sighed as he got off the floor. He chuckled at the idea that he could actually avoid God.
“Yeah right,” Paulo chuckled. “Who do I think I am, believing I could get away with it so easily? And I was so mean to her. Man!”
He considered calling Phoenix but knew she was at work, so he decided to let the Spirit lead.
“Father, I want to speak to her before our session tomorrow. I owe her an apology and some type of explanation. Please lay it on my heart when to call or stop by and what to say when I do. Give me the wisdom and the prompt regarding when to share my own experiences with her. Thanks, Lord. In Jesus Name.”
Feeling at least a hundred pounds lighter, Paulo left his office to pick up lunch since his breakfast had been God’s solid food.
Phoenix had a pretty uneventful day at work, finishing her fieldwork appointments by noon. She had rescheduled the last two for the following day because, frankly, it became too unbearable to deal with her miserable, psychotic clients when her own situation was a mess. She knew it was better to deal with someone’s mental health problems when she wasn’t being choked by her own.
She couldn’t get over Paulo’s funky attitude that morning.
She emailed her professor regarding her absence from that evening’s class, as well as the assignment that was due. As she thought about what went wrong, she’d had a nourishing meal of turkey breast, low-fat cheddar, and raw spinach—all organic—on seven-grain flatbread. She enjoyed her glass of water with lemon and ate grapes to fill that little space in her stomach that was normally resolved for her after-lunch Snicker’s bar. She felt good as she recorded her meal in her new food diary that Paulo’s manual recommended.
She watched a Property Virgins marathon on HGTV for a few hours before she got ready to go to Cara’s, thinking about all of the wonderful outfits her stylish new friend would put together for her.
But then the doorbell rang.
Hoping it was Paulo, coming to give her an apology, she rushed to open it without asking who it was.
And who it was stood, at her door smirking.
“What in the world do you want, Cedric?” she snarled. “Matter of fact, I don’t care.” She tried to slam the door in his face.
Cedric placed his foot in the way. “Come on, Girl. I know we ended things but I just came to check on you. Let me in. Come on, don’t be like that.”
Phoenix tried to push the door with all of her might, but what was a few days of working out really supposed to do? Without effort, Cedric pushed open the door, almost knocking Phoenix to the floor. He reached out to grab her arm to steady her, but Phoenix snatched away. “Don’t touch me!” she shouted, her voice echoing down the hallway.
Cedric shrugged, “Hey I was trying to help you out. My bad.”
“What do you want, Cedric? Where is your little slut?”
Cedric walked past Phoenix, letting his arm brush her as he did. She hated herself for the involuntary shudder she felt when his skin touched hers.
“She’s at school. Why? You want to invite her for a girl’s night out or something?” Cedric sneered.
“Look,” Phoenix yelled from her open doorway. “I am about to leave here in a minute. I don’t have time for this mess. What do you want, Cedric?
But Cedric had already made himself comfortable on her sofa and was already flipping channels with her remote.
“Are you kidding me right now?” Phoenix yelled, slamming her door and marching into the living room. “Listen, what are you doing here? I am leaving in a few and—”
“Where you going? To meet ole boy?” Cedric tried to make it seem as if he couldn’t care less, but Phoenix knew he wouldn’t have asked if he didn’t.
“Maybe. Why, you want to invite him to a guy’s night out or something?”
“Well you never know, Fe. Maybe we’ll do the double date thing.”
Phoenix lowered her head and walked over to her armchair, dropping down slowly in defeat. “Ce
dric, I really, really can’t do this right now. Why did you come here? I only have a few minutes.”
“Like I said, I came by to check on you,” Cedric answered, with eyes now glued to ESPN.
“And why would you do that?” Phoenix, now curious, kept staring at him.
“Because, believe it or not, I do care about you.”
Phoenix snorted. “Well, if that is called caring, stop caring please. Your type of care could land me in a grave.”
Cedric guffawed. “Now that wasn’t nice.”
“Listen to me. I don’t want to be friends with you. You hurt me and you are now with the girl you cheated on me with in my home. I don’t want to pretend like we’re cool ‘cause we are not. I actually hate you.”
“Yeah, okay,” Cedric snapped, clicking off the television. “You hate me, huh? Why ‘cause you found someone new?”
Phoenix thought about the way she felt in Paulo’s arms. “Exactly,” she answered, with a smug look in her eyes.
“So how long you know this cat anyway?” Cedric’s eyes narrowed.
“None of your business. I stopped answering your questions the day you stopped living here.” She jumped up to head to her bedroom. “I am leaving in one minute so you better be gone.”
She changed clothes and grabbed a large bag to take to Cara’s in case she had a lot to carry.
When she returned, Cedric was standing by the window. “So you happy, Phoenix?”
“Absolutely,” she laughed. “Why would you even care?”
“I just want to make sure the dude isn’t taking advantage of you. He’s a nice-looking dude, even though I ain’t into dudes, and I was wondering what this guy was doing with you.”
Phoenix gasped. “What are you saying?”
“I mean, after we saw each other at the café? I couldn’t stop thinking about how you met this guy. Like I said, he didn’t seem to be at your…level. So I got worried about you. I hoped Dude wasn’t trying to use you or something.”
Phoenix stared at the man she had once loved with a blinding, white-hot fire that threatened to tear her heart in two. She began to tremble as she shouted, “Are you serious? You’re telling me you’re worried about me because Paulo is handsome and you’re worried that he is using me? You come in here in my face and say this after you used me to almost two years? Are you out of your fu—”
“Listen, I know how I did you was wrong, but I did care about you. I tried to fall for you. I just couldn’t because of my…well you know the situation. You hate me now, but at least I tried to make it work with you. I did want you in my life. I just wanted you to get in shape. I just wanted to make sure you wasn’t about to fall in with someone—”
“How dare you?” Phoenix shrieked as she grabbed her old ashtray and hurled it at Cedric. He ducked just in time. “You think because you’re a low-life gigolo bum that Paulo is doing the same thing?” She grabbed her textbook from her dining table and flung that at his head when the ashtray missed. Her eyes searched wildly for something else to throw.
Cedric was already up and trying to make his way down the hall. “Listen, I ain’t come here for all that. I ain’t expect this when I’m just trying to help. I just wanted to make sure—”
“Yeah, I got it. I’m too ugly for Paulo, just like I was too ugly for you…I am not on his level, just like I wasn’t on yours. So you want to oh-so-caringly check to make sure Paulo isn’t using me, even though you sat here for two years doing so. Are you crazy? Do you know how you sound right now? I could diagnose you with Antisocial Personality Disorder. You are truly a sociopath!”
Cedric’s face froze. “I was just trying to help.”
“Help?” Phoenix guffawed as bitter tears leaked out of her eyes. “You want to help? Stay away from me. And for your information, Paulo is not using me. He is actually helping me! He owns his own business. He is a Christian. He only met me a few weeks ago and has done more for me in that short time than you’ve done in almost two years. He owns a brownstone and a car. He is about to open a second business in Jersey. What do you have, huh? Your looks?”
“Well at least I have those,” Cedric cast his eyes up and down Phoenix’s frame.
“Yeah, but that’s all you have. And those fade. At least the issues I have can be changed,” Phoenix said, reciting Paulo’s words. “At least my issue can be solved with a little support, dedication, and prayer. Who is going to solve your problem? Let me tell you, even years of therapy or tons of prayer won’t turn you into a real man. You are disgusting! Get out of my apartment and stay out of my life!”
“I don’t know why you’re acting like this. I’m just being real with you. I had to wonder what was going on. I saw him and you together and it was like, ‘wow!’ You guys looked strange together. I am so surprised you guys got together.”
“You need to get the heck out of my apartment and go back to your stick-thin chopstick. You’re happy with her, right? So why are you so concerned with me and Paulo?” Light dawned in her eyes as she stopped ranting and began to laugh. “Wait a minute! Ha, you’re jealous!”
This time it was Cedric who laughed. “Jealous? Yeah, whatever.”
“You couldn’t stand the idea of ugly-fat-Phoenix out to breakfast with a gorgeous, tall, strong man like Paulo. You thought I was still going to be in here, stuffing my face, and crying my eyes out, didn’t you?” Phoenix tried not to think about how that was exactly what she had been doing until Paulo had reached out to her. “It drove you bananas to see me move on so quickly, didn’t it? And what makes you more upset is that Paulo looks better than you. Even worse, he has a successful business, his own brownstone, and his own money!”
Cedric’s face turned red. Rolling his eyes, he waved his hand. Not to be outdone, he directed yet another sneer at Phoenix. “Yeah and what’s even more sad is that Paulo looks even better than you!”
Phoenix rushed him and slapped his face. “Get out!”
“I’ll leave when I am ready,” Cedric laughed, moving away. “Besides I came to get a few things I left over here.”
“I will pack them up for you and call you when they are ready. I want you to get out now! Don’t make me call the cops, Cedric!”
“Whatever,” Cedric said, waving her away before stalking into the bedroom.
“I want you out right now!” Phoenix screamed, picking up her phone.
“Yeah, give me a few,” Cedric called, in a bored voice, that alerted Phoenix to just how little she was being taken seriously.
Forgetting her intentions to call 9-1-1, Phoenix was about to follow him into the bedroom and clock him with her one good lamp but the doorbell rang.
Seething, she stormed down the long hallway, noticing on the cable box time that she had only ten minutes to get to Cara’s.
She snatched open the door. “What!” she shouted.
Paulo’s eyes were bewildered as he held a forgotten bouquet of fresh lilies down at his side. “Phoenix, everything alright? I came to apologize and heard you screaming from the time I got off the elevator.”
Phoenix breathed as her eyes burned. She threw her arms around Paulo’s neck. “How did you know I needed you?”
Paulo smiled. “The Lord told me when to come.”
“He’s here,” Phoenix whispered furiously, cocking her head towards the back of the apartment. “He came here to needle me and make me feel bad about myself. He came here…” she sniffled and wiped at her swollen eyes. “He came here and told me that you were too attractive for me so he had to figure out if you were using me. He assumed we are together but my ego wouldn’t let me correct him. I told him to leave and he won’t leave. I accidently let him in because I thought it was you. He pushed past me when I tried to close the door and now he won’t go. Why won’t he just stay gone? He won’t leave me alone!” she cried. She had just begun to forget her plan for revenge but now she would die if she didn’t make Cedric pay!
Paulo held Phoenix for a few moments for two reasons: he wanted to comfort her and
he wanted to collect himself through prayer and deep breathing. One thing Paulo could not stand was a bully. This man had not only hurt this woman deeply, but he had forcibly gotten back into her home to inflict more emotional havoc. After everything Phoenix had done for the man?
Lord, help me. If You don’t, this guy might be carrying this bouquet in his throat. Paulo held on to Phoenix as he closed the door and walked her down the hallway.
My son, My strength is made perfect in your weakness.
Cedric was not in the living room so Paulo handed the flowers to Phoenix, led her to the sofa, and laid a simple command. “Sit.”
He walked into the room, as Cedric was searching through her closet.
Paulo, feeling the Spirit’s tingles all over him, somehow managed not to rush him and break his back. He cleared his throat.
When Cedric saw Paulo standing behind him, he tensed, not saying a word.
“Hey, Man. Cedric isn’t it?” Paulo held out his hand with a tight smile on his face.
“Yeah,” Cedric said, reluctantly giving Paulo a pound. “What’s good?”
“I don’t know, Man, you tell me. I come here to see this beautiful girl and she’s all upset. I hate to see a woman cry, don’t you? I think it’s shameful for a grown man to make a woman cry.” Paulo chuckled and shook his head, keeping his eyes on Cedric, and his trust in God. I could just cold-cock him one time, Lord. The nerve!
“I don’t know why she’s crying. I ain’t even do nothing to her. But then again, Phoenix is always crying about something. I just came to get some things.”
“Yeah, Phoenix does cry a lot. My concern is not as much about her crying as the fact that you made her cry. You did not intentionally cause Phoenix to cry, did you?” Paulo’s tone dropped, becoming more gravely with each word. His accent began to thicken as the challenge became clear.
The Makeover Page 21