Phoenix knew all about it. Elizabeth’s case was similar to half of her caseload at work, but she knew not to compare his wife to her own clients. She continued to listen.
“So she got hospitalized at Bellevue for about a month that first time. I had her transferred there since I worked in that hospital. I figured I could check on her during the day and spend evenings with her after work. Her psychiatrist—who I met for the first time—came to speak to me in the hospital. Apparently, Liz had been going there for years and even though I worked there, I had no idea. He decided to up the meds. Liz, of course, was opposed to it, saying she hated the side effects. However, she agreed to stay on it to get out the hospital. When she was discharged, she explained that she was ashamed of her illness and didn’t want me to leave her. I forgave her for not telling me and decided to hang in there with her.”
“Most people would have run screaming,” Phoenix said.
“I loved her,” Paulo answered simply.
Paulo continued. “And this cycle went on for years. She would get on her meds, stay on for several months, feel better, then get off them. When she was well, we had a wonderful marriage. But when she was sick—” Paulo shook his head. “At one point, she was hospitalized about four times in a year. I remember she went missing for three days. The cops found her barely dressed. Her legs were swollen and bruised, but she didn’t notice. Apparently she had spent those days walking back and forth from Brooklyn to Harlem.”
“My goodness,” Phoenix whispered, closing her eyes. Her heart broke for Paulo’s wife and for Paulo himself.
“By the beginning of our fifth year of marriage, I was two steps away from committing myself into a mental hospital. The doctors weren’t helping, she wasn’t helping herself, and her parents had moved to Florida when her dad’s job transferred him. I felt alone in our situation and I didn’t know where to turn. After she had disappeared again, that time for six days, I had to place her on a court order to remain in treatment. It caused a bigger riff between us. She would lash out often because she felt betrayed. I started venting at work to my boss when he called me in to discuss my frequent absences. He was understanding, allowing me to work from home sometimes to watch my wife. He offered me a lot of support.”
“That must have been a real blessing,” Phoenix said, patting his shoulder.
“It was. One morning, after I spent half an hour crying on his shoulder, he invited me to church. I went with him one Tuesday evening after work. I knew I should have gone straight home to my wife, but I couldn’t. I needed an outlet. I knew if I had to deal with another tense evening, I would do something crazy. I had always believed in God, but didn’t exactly have a relationship with Him, you know? I heard a sermon about how Jesus can heal any situation and I felt like that sermon gave me hope. That very night, I poured my heart out to Jesus. Right then, at the altar, I cried about my wife, but also for myself. I confessed that I was lost, a sinner, and helpless to manage my own life or my marriage. I promised God that if He healed me and my wife, somehow, I would serve Him for the rest of my life. After getting saved, I plunged into the Bible and church services right away. About three weeks later, I bought Liz. After service, I took her to the prayer team and they prayed for her. A week after that, she got saved!”
Phoenix smiled at the joy she heard in Paulo’s voice. “That’s great!”
“It was. And for a year, my wife got better. She kept on her meds and went to church. She even took on a job in data entry, working from home, just to be productive. She began making plans for graduate school. Like you, she wanted her doctorate so she could help others overcome what she was going through. But towards the end of the year, something happened.”
Phoenix knew where the story was headed, but she asked anyway. “What happened?”
“Liz again began to resent the side effects of her new meds. Although they kept her moods stable, she gained even more weight and didn’t have energy for much more than work and church. The new set of meds made her hungry all the time. I also took to staying home and had gotten really heavy—as you saw in my picture. All we did was work, eat, go to church, eat, and eat and eat. The food was a huge stress reliever, you know? We weren’t drinking or hanging out. But as I said, one day I realized we had not been intimate in weeks—and not because of her illness, but because we didn’t have energy to do anything besides eat! After hearing a sermon about taking care of our bodies, which are temples of the Holy Spirit, I felt like God was speaking to me. I also believed I had the answer to help Liz. I began to work out and eat healthy, encouraging Liz to do so as well. I lost seventy pounds and she lost sixty in about eight months. She began to feel really good about herself again. She kept saying she didn’t want to continue on psychotropics, so I began to look for options. I also started to hate how those medications failed us and affected her. I started studying holistic medicines. We kept praying for God to heal her but I continued to search for ways to help her. I figured between prayer, exercise, and herbal remedies, she would be fine…” He blinked rapidly, attempting to stop his tears. “I had all the plans and I just knew I could help save my wife.”
Phoenix stroked his head when his voice became strained.
Paulo cleared his throat. He wrapped his arms around Phoenix tightly, as if he was trying to draw strength from her. “And for a while, it looked like my efforts were working. She seemed fine for several more months, until she crashed again into a severe depression. Few days later, she was manic again. She refused to take the herbal meds or the psychotropics. I used to get impatient with her and yell at her, but I was sure I could help her…my way. And one day, I found out I was wrong.”
“What did she do?” Phoenix ran her hand through his curly hair.
“One morning, after two nights of her spending all night pacing, talking to herself, and breaking up our furniture, I’d had enough. I knew that the hospital had not helped her at all, so I was determined to help her myself. I just had no idea how at that point. I got out of bed—having had no sleep—and was so frustrated with her. I didn’t speak to her at all that morning. When I didn’t pay her attention, she began to cry. She accused me of thinking of her as a burden. When I didn’t deny it, she tried to initiate intimacy, but I pushed her away. She ended up crying, threatening to kill herself if I didn’t show her any love…” his voice broke.
Phoenix continued to stroke Paulo’s face and hair, as he collected himself.
“But I ignored her. She always would talk of dying or hurting herself when she got manic. Frankly I was dry. I had nothing more for her. I just wanted to get away from her. When she threw herself at my feet, threatening to harm herself if I left, I simply stepped around her and went out to take my morning walk and to pray. I begged God to end her suffering, to heal her supernaturally. I told God I would not live my life in that way. I asked Him either to heal her or take her out of my life. I knew that marriage was for in sickness and in health, but I felt I would die if things went on that way, and I let God know it. Now, the whole time I was praying, I had a feeling to go back home to check on her, but I wouldn’t. I just wouldn’t. I felt I deserved to take a breather before having to return home to make a decision about her. After walking around for an hour, I returned. When I did, I found her lying on the bedroom floor. She had taken two bottles of pills. I tried CPR and called 9-1-1. But she was gone.”
Phoenix pulled Paulo closer to her as he breathed. She rubbed his back and his head, just trying to bring him comfort. Even though she was trained to help people process such trauma and grief, she knew he needed her love and not her counseling.
After a few minutes, Paulo pulled away with a small smile. “So my wife died. I was so depressed myself, and bitter, that I contemplated killing myself and joining her wherever she was. I figured it was my fault for leaving her alone that morning and for trying to handle what was beyond my control. I had failed her and felt an eternity in hell was the least of what I deserved.”
“How did you get past th
ose feelings?” Phoenix asked, blinking back her tears.
Paulo gave her a shaky smile. “I was comforted when my pastor assured me that she was with the Lord. He said that she was not a person condemned for having committed suicide, but a woman who had been a victim of mental illness. He said that since she had been saved, Liz was with the Lord, and finally at peace. And I tell you, God saved me by sending the pastor to reassure me of this. I had been so afraid that she was in hell or something. The thought of that hurt worse than her suicide. The Lord used my pastor to prevent me from losing my faith. In all of my thirty-six years, that was the worst thing I’ve ever lived through. Since then, God has been healing me, strengthening me, and using me in ways I could never imagine—
“I can see that, P.”
Paulo smiled. “I still feel horrible about that day, about the words I said, and the thoughts I had. I understand now that God chose to allow her to die. He could have stopped it. Perhaps that was His way of healing her. I don’t know. I do know that He has been giving me a peace that surpasses all understanding. Praise God.”
Phoenix marveled at the way this man could share the story of his wife, who had committed suicide, after battling a long illness, in one breath, only to praise God with the next. There was so much she wanted to ask and to share but didn’t, knowing it wasn’t the time. So instead, she continued to hold him.
Together, they held each other, watching the serene water, each lost to their own thoughts.
On the drive home, an hour later, Phoenix reached over and kissed Paulo’s cheek. “I want to thank you, P.”
Paulo snickered softly. “For what? Bringing your work into our date?”
“For sharing such a personal story with me. I also want to thank you for such a wonderful time—sad story and all. You are a beautiful man. Even the way you hung in there with your wife shows so much about you—and you weren’t even a Christian when you decided to stay. You are such a beautiful man,” she said again. And I love you.
Paulo gave her a sidelong glance, as his heart tightened in his chest. “And you are such a beautiful woman. I know what you do for a living. Most psychologists, even though we’re just sharing, would have wanted to analyze me or counsel me. You just listened and comforted me. You heard my issues and you didn’t run either. That shows your character—and you weren’t even a practicing Christian when you decided to stay. You are such a beautiful woman,” he said again. And I love you.
They reached back to Harlem in record time, with nothing but soft praise music between them and the comfortable silence of growing love. Neither one was ready to tell the other. But both, however, fully understood their feelings for the other.
Paulo knew that this woman was already in his heart, but he also knew he had to slow down. He was a Christian, after all, and if Phoenix did not return to the Lord, he could not pursue the relationship. No matter what, he was called to obey God. And while he was spending time with her, helping her, and ministering to her, he had to be careful not to be tempted himself, as the Word of God warned. He had to make sure to focus on the Lord and to keep his intentions pure.
But his pure intentions were the last thing on his mind when he parked his car near Phoenix’s building. As soon as Paulo helped Phoenix out of the car, and she looked at him with such a tender look, his lips descended upon hers. He kissed her softly, tentatively, each nibble and peck asking her for permission. When she wound her arms around his neck, and deepened their kiss, he knew Phoenix had answered a sweet ‘yes’ right into his soul. They kissed passionately for several minutes, until Paulo pulled away, pulsing in places he had almost forgotten were there.
“Wow,” they both said, breathlessly, before bursting into nervous chuckles.
“Come on, you fresh girl,” Paulo said, grabbing her hand to lead her to sit on her stoop. He was grateful that on a beautiful late summer night in Harlem, no one was occupying it or any of the other stoops near her building. It was almost as if God had prepared some safe alone time, just for them.
Thanks, Dad, Paulo thought affectionately.
Phoenix, however, was yearning for more kisses, as they sat on the stoop. “Me? Fresh? You’re the one who kissed me.”
“And I am about to do it again,” Paulo whispered, covering her lips with his.
Paulo finally pulled away flushed. He then placed both of his hands on her cheeks. He tenderly kissed her forehead, her eyelids, her nose, her chin. and finally her lips again.
Phoenix felt as if he had made love to her body just from his kisses.
She sat there, looking at him, unable to speak.
“What, Baby?” he whispered.
Phoenix’s heart threatened to burst. She began shaking her head. “No. I can’t.”
“Can’t what, Baby?” Paulo whispered, kissing both of her cheeks again and then her jaw.
“Please,” she groaned, in a broken voice. “Please, I can’t take it. It’s too much, P., I can’t do this. It’s too much. I feel like I’m going to burst.”
Paulo swallowed a laugh. “What? What’s too much?”
Phoenix pointed at the both of them. “This, all this, this here, what’s going on between us. I can’t take it. I can hardly believe it. You are too good to be true. And I have to ask this question. I know you’ll be mad, but I have to know.”
“Phoenix, don’t—”
“Naw, Man. I’m sorry. You’re gorgeous. You’re almost perfect. What in the world do you see in me?”
Paulo stared at Phoenix. “First, I am not almost perfect at all. Second, why would you even ask that?”
“Why would I not? What do you even see in me? Even those girls at the restaurant saw how ridiculous all this is! You should have heard what they were saying in the bathroom about us. I thought men are supposed to be visual. Why are you being so…so loving to me?”
“Because I can really see myself loving you…” Paulo answered. I already do.
“I don’t get it.”
Paulo sighed. “You don’t get it because you can’t believe someone could really love you. You don’t believe it because you don’t love yourself. You don’t love yourself because you can’t see how much God loves you. But you will see it, Phoenix, because I have been praying for you since the day I first bumped into you.”
“In the park?” Phoenix asked, her eyes wide.
“No, Baby, in this building. That first day when you were dragging groceries up to your apartment. I have been praying for you since then. It’s hard to explain, but God will bring that explanation to you one day. For now, just know that I care a lot about you. I want to get to know you. I will help you with your goals. I know you have to get right with God, and overcome your own issues, before you can love someone else without fear. You also have to get past your issues with your last relationship. But I will wait for you, Phoenix, as long as the Lord allows me to.”
Phoenix felt like she was swimming through a pool of warm, pristine water as she stared at the man beside her. It was a dream, it had to be. She just couldn’t believe that this stunning man was interested in her, said he would wait for her to be ready. Her heart was turning over in her chest. She didn’t want to allow herself to fall for another man, not after what Cedric had done. She didn’t want to accept that he could look past her frailties and flaws and see her for who she was.
She stared at the man that had become the perfect gift. He was perfectly wrapped up in a gorgeous package. But it was what was inside the package that made the gift priceless.
What had she done to deserve such a gift?
Nothing.
And for as long as she could manage, she would take the gift that had been given to her and do nothing.
She would have to leave it on the shelf until she felt worthy enough to unwrap the package and enjoy the gift that Paulo was.
Chapter 20
You are the salt of the earth. But what good is salt if it has lost its flavor? Can you make it salty again? It will be thrown out and trampled underfoot as
worthless (Matthew 5:13).
The following Sunday morning, Phoenix ran around her apartment as if she were on fire. On her bed were a total of nine new outfits. Each one had made her more depressed than the last.
Paulo would be arriving for their church date in less than an hour and she had no idea how to tell him she could not go.
She had promised and she had promised, the past few days, and had promised the night before.
And now she had to go or she would hurt him.
And the last thing she wanted to do was hurt him.
And she needed to come up with a valid excuse for why she couldn’t make it.
And Cara had given her many outfits to wear, but none were working out.
And she had a pounding headache.
And her hair was a mess.
And her makeup was sweating off from all the running around.
And her stomach was aching too.
And it wasn’t like she couldn’t just go the following week.
“Maybe I can catch him before he comes to get me,” she said, picking up the phone.
But when she picked up the phone, there was no dial tone.
“Uh…hello?” a voice said on the other line. “Phoenix?”
“Hello? Hello?” Phoenix said loudly into the phone.
“It’s me, Cara.”
“What? Cara? Oh, Girl, I was just about to make a phone call and you were there.”
“Really? That’s strange. You sound stressed out, though. What’s wrong?”
“Paulo is coming here to get me at nine for the ten o’clock service at your church…”
“Yeah, I know, Chica. So?”
“So I was about to call him to tell him I’ll make it next week.”
Cara chuckled. “Yeah, I knew this would happen. Happens all the time when we invite someone to church. The enemy doesn’t want you to go and he’ll put all kinds of roadblocks to stop you.”
The Makeover Page 25