And Phoenix sat there, stunned, as the husband and wife laid hands upon her, beginning to pray in God’s holy language.
An hour later, Phoenix dragged herself down to her apartment. She had expected to feel a little better spending time with her friends and having them pray for her for such a long time. She had no idea what they prayed for, but she felt worse than ever. While Cara and James were praying, she continued to have flashbacks about Cedric and the fact that he was getting married and having a baby. Her anger intensified and she wanted to run from the room screaming. Something forced her to stay put. She fidgeted and tried to come up with an excuse to leave suddenly, but she could not go no matter how much she tried. Besides, she told herself, her friends were going through the trouble of praying for her. The least she could do was sit there and look interested.
But what was the use? She had destroyed everything. She had gotten everything she had ever longed for, prayed for, hoped for, and still turned around and messed it all up. She wished she could have what Cara and James had, a wonderful family and an unwavering faith in God. She wished she could have the peace that Cara, James, and Paulo always seemed to have, even when they had troubles.
She wished she could just be happy.
She felt bad for lying to her friend. Cara had asked if they would see her the next morning at church, and Phoenix had responded that they would, while knowing she had already decided not to attend. She knew in her mind that she needed to be at service more than ever. Her heart, however, just wasn’t in it. She didn’t want to go to the service without Paulo. And she didn’t want to keep facing God only to reject Him over and over again. What good was returning? What was going to church doing for her at this point? She was still messing up her life. She had been terrified when Cara and James had prayed, not only because they had prayed in tongues, but because she felt, for the first time in her life, that prayer was a waste of time. She was done praying. There was no point. She believed fully in the Gospel of Jesus and in the God that had sent Him to die on the cross for her sins. She just wasn’t sure she believed anymore that the Gospel could help someone as disgusting and horrible as her.
Church, Jesus, prayer, God, and salvation seemed fine when one considered what it had done in the lives of people like Paulo, Cara, and James. She had heard the testimonies of the members of Paulo’s study group, but the Gospel hadn’t done the same things for her. She had changed on the outside, but got uglier on the inside, and nothing was working out. She had lost Paulo—a gift sent right from the Throne of Heaven—because of her own foolishness.
Letting herself into the apartment, she walked down the long hallway and froze.
She felt such a sense of fear and darkness around her that she could barely speak. It felt as if Satan himself was standing there in the apartment, waiting for her.
The crushing weight of despair descended upon her. She could barely breathe as the tears climbed up her throat. She went over to her sofa and sat motionless as her emotions overwhelmed her.
She buried her face in the sofa cushions as she cried and cried. She cried for all that had happened to her. She cried for the father that decided to leave her family and never look back. She cried for the barely-there relationship she had with the rest of her family. She cried because she had not reached out to her grandmother, mother, brother, or other relatives for six months. She cried for the brokenness in her mother. She cried for the friends with whom she had spent all of her youth that had pushed her away. She cried for the man who had broken her heart only to give his heart to someone else. She cried for the man whose heart she had broken that very afternoon. She cried because she knew now that she was truly alone.
She cried, most of all, because she had to finally admit that it was all her fault.
“Paulo,” she whispered. She longed to hear his voice. But she could not call him. She had hurt him so many times and he had continued to give her his love. Yes, there were times when he got frustrated or angry, but he had loved her from the very beginning.
And she had pushed him away.
She yearned to be in his arms again, to hear his voice caress his special names for her. She had to see him again. She needed to apologize and make things right.
She got up, putting on her jacket, ready to run to him. But the voices in her head reminded her of how she had failed him. They told her that she was selfish, that she didn’t deserve him. Other voices told her that he had not fought for her when she left his home because he was finished with her. It was pointless to try to reconcile when she had already ruined things.
One voice told her it was too late for her and Paulo.
Another voice told her that she should go forward with her plans for revenge because she had nothing left to lose.
And the loudest voice told her that she was under so much stress, she should just stay home and have a drink. The voice encouraged her to take her mind off things because there was nothing she could do or say to change the situation.
“Maybe it’s not too late to pray,” Phoenix whispered out loud.
Pray? What will that do? All that prayer and going to church hasn’t really done much for you, has it? You really have nothing to show for all of that. Why waste your time?
“Why waste my time.” Phoenix repeated, as though in a trance.
Just take your mind off of everything. Have a drink. What can it hurt?
“I just need to take my mind off everything and have a drink. What can it hurt?” she asked out loud.
So, while still wearing her down jacket, she walked to the kitchen and found her last bottle of vodka that she had kept hidden for emergencies. She had not had a drink since the night before Paulo had stormed into her apartment and cleaned for her, almost six months prior. She had kept the bottle in case she felt down or anxious, but had never needed it. God had begun to heal her heart and Paulo had filled the space in her head.
But God and Paulo were no longer in the equation.
Finding a bottle of organic fruit juice that Paulo had made for her, she emptied it into an old glass beer mug of Cedric’s filled with vodka. She sat on the kitchen floor and guzzled the drink, feeling the liquid heat its way down her throat.
After several gulps, she felt halfway alive again.
And when that glass of fruit juice and vodka was finished, she poured herself a glass of sugar-free lemonade and used that to mix with the vodka.
And when that glass of lemonade and vodka was finished, she poured herself a glass of vodka with ice because she had no more juice to mix with the vodka.
And when that glass of vodka with ice was finished, she poured herself a glass of vodka straight because she had no more ice to mix with the vodka.
And after four tall drinks, in two short hours, she felt invincible.
She stumbled to the living room and fell down into her sofa. The numbness began to sweep away the debris of her broken heart and she felt much, much better.
She jumped of the sofa and wavered. “Those drinks did more for me than all those prayers combined!” she shouted as she struggled to take off her jacket. She turned around in a circle three times, trying to pull her arm out of the sleeve, before she succeeded.
Phoenix giggled as she remembered the sounds Cara and James made during their prayer. “MADODHOADOAPADPPAALALABABALASASBAS! Amen! Halleluiah, Jesus!” she shouted, mocking her friends’ prayers. “Yeah, like what was that speaking in tongues gibberish going to do for me anyway?”
The Holy Spirit grieved as He watched her mocking Him, led by the spirits of Unbelief, Drunkenness, and Bitterness. The Spirit watched as Phoenix committed a sin punishable by death—blaspheming of the Holy Spirit of God, the one other unforgiveable sin. But He ached for His child who was being attacked by the enemy. He led Paulo to petition for Phoenix’s forgiveness, as He kept watch on His child. He commanded Cara and James to pray for protection against what was to come.
And she continued to mock and laugh at the Lord so loudly that she almost didn’t h
ear the doorbell ring.
Phoenix stopped. “Oh, man, that could be Paulo!” She panicked when she realized she had vodka fumes coming out of her pores. “Oh man!” She rushed to the bathroom. On her way there, she tripped over her rug. “Shoot! In a minute! I’m coming!” she shouted towards the door.
In the bathroom, she furiously brushed her teeth, gargled with hydrogen peroxide and mouthwash, and bathed herself with shower spray.
“Man!” she whispered as she struggled to freshen up the makeup that was a mess of tear stains and mascara streaks. “Why did I drink all that? Now my defenses are down. Paulo will be so mad at me! I just hope I don’t say or do something stupid…again!”
A few minutes later, she made her way to the door.
She flung it open with a relieved smile.
“I’m so glad you—” she began, before pausing to let her jaw drop to her chest.
“What’s up? Is Phoenix home?”
Phoenix didn’t know if she should pass out at seeing Cedric standing at her door or at the fact that he didn’t recognize her.
Put on the armor of God, the Holy Spirit whispered. Paulo taught you from My Word about Ephesians Six. Put on my armor in prayer.
Phoenix stared at Cedric, weakened by the pain of the evening, tempted by her need for revenge, lulled by the alcohol flooding her defenses. This is it. I knew it was meant for me to get what I need.
Daughter, pray to Me for protection. Put on My armor…the Lord petitioned louder in Phoenix’s heart.
I need to pray, she told herself.
But when Cedric flashed his confident smile, and let his eyes sweep Phoenix’s body with enticing approval, her plan to reach out to God for His protection died away.
“Hey, Sexy Lady, I’m Cedric. Is Phoenix here?” he repeated.
He had never, in two years, called her sexy. Phoenix stood a little straighter, and arched her back to place her assets from and center. She threw on a flirtatious smile and batted her eyelashes. “Yeah, Phoenix is here.”
Cedric gave her a grin and tried to look around her into the apartment. “Well…uh, can I talk to her, please?”
Phoenix let out a full bodied laugh. Oh this was fantastic! It was what she had been dreaming of for several months. “You mean after almost two years of being together, you don’t recognize me?” She made sure to use her hand to trace a line from her neck to her firm hip that was hugged by the very tight sweater dress. She only wished she had not changed out of her stiletto-heeled sexy boots in favor of the ugly, but comfortable, Uggs earlier.
Cedric stared for several moments. “Fe?” He stepped back, covering his open mouth with both his palms. “What? Oh! Phoenix? Phoenix Jean-Baptise?”
Phoenix clapped and giggled like a school girl, twirling around to give Cedric a better look. Turning back to him, she smirked. “You like what you see?”
“Heck yeah! Girl, you look amazing! I wish I’d known there was all that underneath all that mess you were carrying.”
Phoenix felt his words cut through her stomach. Again, as always, he found a way to insult her. She had to make him pay, and having the chance to finally do so, was the only thing that gave her the strength to keep from cursing him out and slamming the door in his face.
She shrugged. “I wish I’d known too.”
Cedric looked around her again. “Where ole boy at? He here?”
“Nope.” Phoenix smiled. “Why do you ask?” I am going to seduce him and make him fall in love with me for real. Then I am going to crush his heart!
Daughter, do not do this.
Phoenix struggled against the words in her heart. She had to do this. She would make Cedric pay.
“I’m saying, can I come in?” Cedric asked, again snaking his eyes up and down Phoenix’s frame as he licked at his bottom lip.
Daughter, remember My Word. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
Phoenix struggled against the words of 1 Peter, 5:8. Paulo had led a discussion focusing on many scriptures about the devil earlier that week in the group Bible study.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. The Holy Spirit spoke words from John 10:10 into Phoenix’s heart.
But Phoenix was thinking with her heart, that was the problem. It was the same heart that was full of defeat, bitterness, and vengeance. It was the heart that led her to answer, “Sure,” in a hesitant voice.
Cedric’s gaze swept her from head to toe as he licked his lips again.
“Close the door behind you,” Phoenix commanded as she went back into the apartment. She ignored the sudden churning in her stomach. She pushed past her uncertainty and used her last bit of courage to throw an extra swing in her hips as she led Cedric down her hallway.
“Girl! You are looking hot! Look at you! How much weight did you lose anyway?”
“Almost sixty pounds.” Phoenix tried to look bored as she demurely took her seat and crossed her legs. “So, what brings you by, Cedric?”
Cedric took the seat opposite her on the sofa. He looked around the apartment for a moment and settled his light brown eyes back onto hers, throwing her a crooked smile that he knew had always set Phoenix’s stomach to quivering. “You,” he said simply, widening his smile into a grin.
“Oh yeah?” Phoenix tried to breathe away the flush of pleasure creeping into her cheeks. “How’s that? I heard you were getting married to that whore…woman and was having a baby.”
The grin slipped off his face. “How’d you hear all that? Been keeping tabs on me?”
“San told me y’all got together recently. She was very excited for you.”
“Yeah? I’m surprised to hear that. She’s always hated me. She ain’t say one word to me or Shia when were over there. I was shocked she even let me in. I thought it was some kind of ambush.”
“You were always cool with her husband,” Phoenix said, thinking about the fact that San had, at least, given Cedric the silent treatment.
“I guess,” Cedric shrugged.
“So why are you here when you’ve found the one?” Phoenix asked, uncrossing her legs, recrossing them, and enjoying the way Cedric watched her closely.
Cedric let out a breath as he shifted in his seat, scratching the back of his neck. “I don’t know. All this week, I have been thinking about you nonstop. I don’t know why, really, since things ended so…uh, badly between us. I mean, I couldn’t sleep or think. You were on my mind all the time. It’s like someone flipped the Phoenix switch or something and you were on! I just started thinking maybe I made a mistake.”
“Out of the blue like that?” Phoenix asked, her heart thumping at her good fortune.
“Yeah. I mean, one day, I was minding my business. The next, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I started remembering how much you loved me and my family. I kept thinking about how you had my back and how you shared yourself with me. I decided I just had to see you.”
“What about the girl?” Phoenix asked, leaning forward.
“I don’t know. I don’t want to talk about her right now.”
“But she is pregnant with your baby, right?” Phoenix inquired, struggling to relax her jaw to prevent her teeth from clenching as she said the words.
Cedric had the decency to look down at his hands that were resting in his lap.
“Is she?” Phoenix said, in a voice that was trembling.
“I got to be honest with you. Yeah, she got pregnant. And I asked her to marry me. But—” Cedric continued to look at his hands.
“Do you love her?” Phoenix smirked, feeling the rage rise within her.
“I mean, I guess…I don’t know. I mean, she, um, you know…” Cedric stammered.
“I don’t think I do, Cedric.”
“She, helped me out a lot so—”
Phoenix clenched her fists at her side as she narrowed her eyes. “And I didn’t, Cedric? I didn’t give you
my all for almost two years?”
“That’s what I’m saying, Fe. I know you have. I have been thinking about you for this past week so much. And I—” Cedric looked away. “I just had to come here for some reason and see you. I miss you.
Pray and I will reveal the truth, the Lord whispered.
Phoenix sat there and watched Cedric, with his downcast eyes and his long face. He looked genuinely sad and regretful. He also looked handsome, with his caramel skin, gorgeous smile, and light brown eyes. His curly hair was cut low and his beard was neatly trimmed. Goodness that man was good-looking. The good news was that so was she. She looked just as good as he did and she wasn’t going to let him forget it.
She sat there staring at him trying to figure out how to seduce him, to get him to a point of begging for her return, only to reject him. Problem was, the more she looked at him, the more she thought about Paulo.
Her heart of stone was softening at the very thought of Paulo
Pray.
She ignored the voice within as she contemplated her next move. Here was the chance she had been waiting for, had been dreaming about, had envisioned as she struggled on the treadmill and jogged the perimeter of the park.
Yet Paulo’s face remained in the back of her mind.
Paulo had prayed for her. Paulo had looked at her acne-riddled face and her overweight frame and found beauty in her eyes and in her heart. Yes, he had polished the gem that she already was, but had seen the gem buried under all the soot in the first place. Paulo had tried to help her heal by sharing his love and by sharing the love of Jesus Christ.
Was it worth it to throw all of that away? Somehow she could sense that if she continued with her plan, something vital would be lost forever. She felt as though she would not only lose Paulo, but something greater and invaluable.
But she had already lost everything. Was there anything left fighting for?
“Where is your dude this evening?” Cedric asked suddenly. “I thought y’all would be joined at the hip.”
“He’s at home,” Phoenix asked, puzzled that he brought up Paulo just when she had been thinking about him.
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