by Jason Conley
David rose slow attempting to keep the pain at bay but more to keep from reopening any of the cuts. The pain was expected. The bandages covering the wounds were starting to seep; his white sheets now had crusted blood spots, crimson and wide. As he walked to his dresser, Carissa’s voice whispered, “Save me a seat.” He still believed that he did not hear the “don’t” that led the short but electrifying sentence.
I miss understood. He believed that nothing bound them but math and Mr. Gilbert’s incessant need to help. Beyond that, what was to tell? There was nothing but a bus ride and nervous tutoring session. Could this be a gift from God or a temptation? Whatever it was, he knew the end result would be the rod as normal.
Carissa had nothing to wear. She threw shirt after shirt onto the bed. It was the first time that she actually cared what she looked like for somebody other than herself since her and Destiny had ended their “friendship”. Impressions were not something that Carissa had taken any comfort in. The first impression was the lasting one, however deceiving that impression be.
Carissa found a shirt. Finally! It was yellow and snug. It formed soft across her breast while fitting so tight around the waste to reveal any distinction of her perceived “muffin top”.
The slow anticipation crept higher; Carissa could feel her knees begin to shake as she admired her figure through her tight formed jeans. She turned to see how the pockets curved around her ass. There you go. Though smiling, her nervous stomach turned. She just wanted him look at her and she was sure he would.
The hot sting of the shower against his fresh marks was enough to shake any existence of exhaustion. He washed the dried blood from his torso then bent forward to wash his hair. He usually leaned back to clean his hair but just the thought of shampoo running down his back was enough to make it burn. When he was finished, he dried most of his body then used paper towels to pat his back, went to his room, and bandaged his wounds. The fresh white gauze felt slightly more comfortable than the ones he had taken off moments before. No discernable oozing was present but he applied a thick layer of petroleum jelly just to be sure. Not many boys David’s age had a medical supply drawer in their room, but David did. He replaced some unused packages and opened the next drawer down, socks. The white from the freshly bleached fabric reflected the light filling his room through an open curtain. He pulled one pair out closing the drawer back.
David turned catching his narrow frame in the mirror. David’s pale flesh did little to hide the dark circles under his eyes. He turned his torso so he could inspect the bandages on his back. For a moment, David thought about the last time he had woke without having to tend to some wound or another. The thought passed because this was David’s reality. This is me. This is normal.
Opening his closet, David was not sure what he was going to wear. Even though he was almost positive that there was a “don’t” he did not hear, he still wanted to look nice though. He thumbed through his shirts knowing they were all some derivative of a light blue or white, but color did not matter. He wanted one that would fit him well but hide his bandages all the same. . David gingerly tried on three before he found one that satisfied him. He grabbed a pair of pants off another hanger and slipped them on, tucking in his shirt before securing the clasp.
Looking in the mirror, David examined and adjusted his shirt buttons with the zipper of his pants so that they made a straight line. Though the same as usual, he took extra care in combing his short hair forward then to the side, making sure there were no strays lingering behind. He looked perfect. He grabbed his books and tucked them under his arm.
Opening his door, the smell of eggs and bacon wafted into the room. As he walked through the hall and into the kitchen, he heard the toaster spring. Turning the corner, he saw his mother standing before the counter spreading butter onto a slice of toast. An apron was tied around her neck and waist, dress billowing from the bottom.
“Good morning, Mother,” David said as if the last evenings events did not occur.
“Good morning, David. How did you sleep?” Mrs. Shelton said as she placed a plate with eggs and bacon on the counter. She motioned him forward.
“Good Mother,” David said mechanically, his stomach growling. He reached for the fork sitting sat to the right of the plate, stopped, then fluidly brought his hands together, grace. David mumbled low enough so that his mother did not know he was not actually saying anything but loud enough to convince her otherwise. When he felt he had spent enough time making the sounds, he said, “Amen” then began to eat.
David was famished but held back the fervent need to devour for sustenance. He bleed heavy the night before and needed the energy to recover but had to remain controlled. Each bite tasted like heaven was already on earth and dancing in his mouth. With every nibble, he had to hold back, not too eager.
He finished and handed her the plate, not saying a word. She looked at the plate, smiled slightly, and then plunged it into the sink of suds. “Now, go before you miss the bus.”
“Yes, Mother,” David said as he leaned in and kissed her cheek.
Carissa finished her hair as the clock hit 7:20 am. She picked up her English book and papers from the desk, and hurried out of the bedroom door. She walked through the hall and into the kitchen. Randy was standing at the stove putting the final touches on what he called his “famous” biscuits and gravy. Carissa laid her books on the table and walked to the cabinet. “Where’s Casey?” Carissa said as she grabbed a cup.
“She’s still sleeping.”
Must have been a vodka kinda day. Carissa thought as she opened the fridge. The orange juice was gone. Vodka. Carissa gave a snorted smile. Milk would have to do. She pulled the half gallon from the door. “Where’s Lea?” She asked as she poured a glass and put the jug away. Lea had not taken near as long to get ready.
“She’s already left to catch her bus. You need to hurry up, too,” Randy said handing her a plate with two biscuits smothered in white gravy. Carissa took the plate and walked back to the table.
After what seemed like four bites, she dropped her plate into the sink and hurried out the door. “Bye, Dad,” She said yelled as the screen door slammed.
She stepped off the porch and could see the bus rounding the corner two blocks down. Carissa ran as fast as she could and beat the bus by only the last screech of the brakes. “Holy shit, freaky,” Scott said as Carissa ran up.
“Why don’t you get some new material, jerk off,” she said still trying to catch her breath. “What’s up, Rob?”
“Nothin’,” He said annoyed.
Carissa knew he was still upset. The bus door opened before the awkwardness could set in. Carissa stepped onto the bus first. As her foot touched the second step, she noticed David in the same seat as the yesterday, an empty spot as before. A knot formed in her stomach. She was not sure if the seat was saved for her, but she was going to sit there anyway.
As the bus pulled to a stop, David leaned toward the window to see if Carissa was there. She was. She was breathing hard, but she was there. He began to sweat. A small droplet rolled slowly from his neck, down his spin, and into one of his wounds. The sting was immense but David hardly noticed.
The door opened letting out a loud whine. David felt the bus tilt slightly as she stepped in. He heard the sound of her foot contact the second step, he could see the morning sun shine as it glistened hair. As her face came into view, his heart sped and his throat dried. She was perfect. She licked her lips softly as she turned her head. Their eyes met for a split second before David turned in disbelief. She tossed her hair to the side as sat down. David felt the seat shift slightly. He could not turn, not yet.
Rob stepped onto the bus after Scott. As he reached the isle, he notice that there were two empty seats in the back directly across from each other. He glanced at Carissa. Her face was blushed, already sitting next to David. Rob did not wonder why she had sat with him. He walked to the open seats without breaking focus on Scott’s back.
“Hey
,” Carissa said, voice dancing once again into David’s ears. He knew now there was not a “don’t” he did not hear. She sat down next to him. She chose the seat.
What am I supposed to do? I don’t know what to say. I don’t talk to harlots, or tramps, or girls or whatever she is. Is she trying to make fun of me? Why am I so nervous? My heart is racing! What do I do? What do I do? “Hello,” David said turning to her.
Carissa’s expression was calm, but the knot in her stomach was still growing with no sign of subsiding. She knew he was nervous, she could hear it in his voice. She had to be the calm one. She had to be confident. If she wanted to get to know him any better, she could not scare him. Keep it safe! “So what are we going to learn today? Well…what am I going to learn?” Carissa asked to jump start some sort of conversation.
“You don’t have study hall today.”
Oh fuck. Smooth, Carissa. “I know, I was wanting to get together after school. Or maybe we could just hang out.” She wanted to pull the words back in. Oh, no!
Hang out! She wants to hang out with me? David looked at her, soft and anxious. He was surprised that he recognized the expression. “I’ll have to talk to Mother but I think I can,” he said with no intension of telling his mother the truth. They sat quiet, both realizing the other had something they needed. They just did not know what.
The brakes squealed as the bus pulled to a stop. “Everyone off,” the driver shouted as the door opened.
Carissa grabbed her books and stood next to the seat, “I’ll see ya later.” David nodded. He watched the bounce of her hair and the grace in her steps as she walked down the aisle and rounded to the door. She turned back to David for a moment. David could see light in her eyes. She smiled as she stepped off.
Rob watched the entire encounter from his seat in the back. He could not make out what they were saying but he knew that Carissa had something, a thing, for David. Rob wondered why it could not him. In that moment, he hated David. Rob did not know him but that did not matter. He watched as David started to get up. He hurried out of his chair. He walked down the aisle not knowing what he was going to do. David stepped and Rob bumped into him. “Watch where you’re going, asshole,” Rob said wanting David to react.
“I..I’m sorry,” David said timidly.
“That’s what I thought,” Rob said as he stared at David. David stepped back in front of his seat and let Rob pass.
“More like the whole ass,” Scott laughed trailing Rob.
Carissa stepped off the bus, almost flouting with each step. The images of David sitting reticent shuffled in her mind. “Carissa,” April called from the side of the building. Carissa looked for a moment before spotting her. She walked over to April and they both disappeared in the thick overgrowth around the side of the school.
David watched as Carissa walked across the court yard. He could not help looking. In only a few hours’ time, she had become the only thing that mattered and he was actually happy, at least for the moment.
April and Carissa huddled behind one of the thick bushes under a window not knowing what was beyond the glass. April pulled a small red and white tin box out of her pocket. She opened it and pulled a small bag out filled with a little “good morning, America”. She pulled a bud out and set it in the open box top and broke it into pieces. April then took a paper and rolled a joint. April sparked a lighter which lit on the first flick. Sucking hard, she lit the end of the joint and handed it to Carissa. “So, how did yesterday go?” April asked as she held the smoke in.
Carissa inhaled slow. Almost instantly, she felt the relaxation spread out from her gracious lungs into her shaking arms then trickle into her toes. Suddenly everything was calm, everything was easy. “Pretty good. David’s a good teacher,” she said as she handed the joint back to April.
“He put you with David,” she said more as a statement than a question, “Isn’t that ironic!”
“He’s actually a kinda alright guy.”
April slipped from her squatted position and fell forward. She caught herself almost instantly. “That’s not the word I’d use.”
“Well fuck, April,” Carissa said laughing. “You spent two seconds with him. You have no fucking clue what he’s like.” April listened to the way Carissa words flowed from her mouth, defensive. Then April noticed a look on Carissa’s face. Even though Carissa seemed irritated, she had a kind of warmth about her. She sun’s light refracted perfectly from her usually cold eyes. April could tell Carissa saw something in David. April was surprised, but she felt herself excited for Carissa. April did know more about David than Carissa thought she did, however.
April considered keeping quiet about what she had seen with David one day in science. She wanted to let Carissa have a little happiness but in the same turn, did not want to let Carissa go off with some psycho. “You like him,” April said again, as a statement, not a question.
Carissa looked at April, Carissa’s mouth agape. How do you know that? Carissa had not told April anything. “No.” Carissa protested in a pitch two octaves higher than her usual voice.
“I‘ve never seen that look on your face, man. You like him,” April said shaking her head.
“Jesus fucking Christ, April. I can talk about someone without “liking” them. You need to listen to yourself. This is me you’re talking about. I don’t go for that shit,” Carissa said. Carissa knew the words coming from her mouth were not true and so did April.
Even in this moment, the only thing Carissa could focus on was David. Something was going on. April caught her. Carissa swallowed hard pushing back a building lump. April gawking at her did not help. Then an image of Randy thrusting took her. She liked the boy……hated the man.
“You like him. Don’t lie to me, man. I know you,” April stopped short. She noticed the small droplet run down Carissa’s cheek and hit the ground. It soaked quickly into the dry dirt. Carissa turned her head so April could not see. April laid her hand on Carissa shoulder. Carissa wiped her face and turned back to April. Without saying a word, April and Carissa both understood what Carissa needed and was not what was happening now. April, still concerned, decided to keep David and science to herself. They finished the joint in silence.
8
Carissa sat quiet in the back of class. Mr. Foreman sat scribbling what was probably a gradebook but could have been a sketch pad, notebook, or any number of options. Civil War and World War II memorabilia decorated the walls of the small room. Mr. Foreman’s favorite collectables was perched solemnly on the back wall. The old gun had been used by a confederate soldier at Gettysburg that had just so happened to be his great great great grandfather. Of course, the gun had been disabled and for a muzzleloader being displayed at a school meant the barrel had to and was filled with a hard epoxy. Grandfather Foreman had died in the battle but the rifle had been sent to his wife by the platoon commander shortly after the war was over. The letter that had accompanied the rifle was framed and resting just below the display. Carissa had never read the note but enjoyed the items all the same.
“I don’t want to teacher today,” Mr. Foreman said as “yes” and “all right” filled the stale air. “We are going to watch a movie.” He was nothing if not blunt. He seemed to have a touch of, to put it nicely, social retardation which meant he was kind of an asshole.
“Taken,” someone said from the other side of the room.
“No, we need to watch something with a little educational value. Gods and Generals is a movie about the Generals of the Civil War,” Mr. Foreman answered as he motioned for someone in the back row to bring the TV stand to the front of the room.
“But we are studying World War II,” a voice chimed in from the class.
“Would you rather watch something made by PBS?” Mr. Foremen asked, not to be friendly.
Groans filled the replies. “Then shut up!” Yes, Mr. Foreman was an asshole.
Carissa did not care what they did, but the movie was a little better than the lecture that she would have to
endure otherwise. As the stand rolled its way to the front of the room, Carissa pulled a notebook out of here bag. The movies opening credits rolled as she began write. Her thoughts moved to David but not in a pure sense:
The pale stench of his flesh fills my body.
He has taken all of me.
Is my affection wrong because I am not wholly free?
For his chest has pressed against me.
Another love cannot be.
The boy and the man.
What road can I take?
The boy is where I want to be.
Will he understand what another has done to me?
Or will he take flight and leave me here to be.
I am soiled.
No good for none but the man.
The man who held me when I cried.
The man I call my dad.
Nothing cryptic. She had lost the feeling or need or anxiety to hide any thought through imagery. She was tired of everything being so damn complicated, even her poetry. Carissa just wanted to be simple. She liked David. April knew. Rob was jealous, although Carissa did not know. And Scott, he was Scott. The natural progression would be for her to give April a note to give David then wait for him to reply. However, natural progression was not something that Carissa had at luxury. She was tainted, David is weird, and the world was a giant shit storm that did not care.
The bell rang. “Get out,” Mr. Foreman said pointing at the door. Many in the class gather their books but the others had quit bringing them at all due to the movies. If it was not Hollywood teaching the class, it was you tube. The kids did not mind. They would rather watch Crash Course History than Mr. Foreman anyway.
As usual, Carissa was the last student to leave. She walked slow through halls taking in the faces of the passing people. She looked at each one. Most were in different states of smile or dread but there were some, “the other ones”, who were more morose and some whimsical. Those faces seemed truer, unmasked. She knew she was looking for David but the faces seemed to sink into her, join her. Turning the corner, she was met with a new direr crowd. These faces told her a story. They struck her more damaged. These were the kids most would call popular but for some reason she was seeing “the other ones” here too, all together. The other ones all had skeletons they needed to hide.