DOCTOR AT SEA

by Richard Gordon

  'I must say he was pretty rude.'

  Molony laughed loudly, while Hornbeam filled up his glass.

  'He takes some getting used to. Do you know what?' he asked Hornbeam. 'He chased me up for eating peas off a knife the other day. Can you imagine it? Now there's bugling, too. We signed on a Yankee galley-boy in New York who brought a trumpet with him, so we get bugle calls to meals. Anyone would think we were a ruddy battleship.'

  'All skippers are the same,' Hornbeam said wearily. 'Do you remember old Jack Andrews in the Buttercup? What happened to him?'

  'Didn't you hear? He got put ashore in Cape Town last year.'

  They began to talk earnestly of men and ships I had never heard of, and their conversation took on an odd parochialism extending across the face of the earth.

  As the Violet was due to sail again at midnight our guests left early. I leant on the rail and watched her float slowly into the river, her portholes drawing yellow streaks across the greasy water. She blew three hoots of farewell to us and followed her tug towards the sea. Captain Hogg stood outside his cabin staring after her, and no doubt Captain Beamish was on the bridge glaring astern at us. I wondered if I should meet any more Fathom Line captains, and if they would be any less unnerving.

  A man in a pair of khaki trousers and a loose orange shirt was waiting in my cabin. He grinned as I came in.

  'Hi'ya Doc,' he said. 'I'm off the _Omar C. Ingersoll._ Pleased to meet ya.'

  We shook hands.

  'I guess I shouldn't have bust in, but your Chief Mate said it was O.K.'

  'Perfectly all right,' I said. 'What can I do for you?'

  'I just want a bottle of aspirin. We're right out, and we ain't carrying a medic. I don't want to put you to no bother, though.'

  'No trouble at all, my good man,' I said. 'I'll fetch you some from the hospital.'

  'That's mighty swell of you, Doc,' he said, grinning at me again. 'Mighty swell.'

  In return for the bottle of aspirins he presented me with two hundred Chesterfields, _The Case of the Luckless Legs,_ three bars of chocolate, _Life,_ and a photograph of the _Omar C. Ingersoll._ At the gangway he slapped me on the back and said, 'Come aboard and have a cup of coffee sometime, Doc. Just go up the gangway and ask for me.'

  'Very kind of you,' I said. 'And you are…the Bos'n? Er, Mate, possibly…?'

  'Aw, hell no, Doc! I'm the Captain. So long!'

  I went to my bunk reflecting that the feudal system at least had the advantage of leaving you in no doubt whom you were talking to.

  Chapter Twelve

  We spent a week in Santos, all baking in our cabins like a big dish of escargots. Our next port was to be Buenos Aires, to load grain and hides for home.

  'Shan't be sorry to get away,' said Trail the morning we sailed. 'Stinking place, this. Fancy living here!'

  'When are we off?'

  'About midday. They've finished cargo in all hatches except No. 5. It's hot, isn't it? I'll be like a fried egg when I come off the bridge.'

  We left the city of tolerance behind us and turned south towards the River Plate.

  Our voyage down the coast was enlivened by Christmas, which fell upon us half-way between Santos and Montevideo. The festival is celebrated most warmly by Englishmen when away from their own country, just as London Scots afford the fiercest welcome to the New Year. As I had now a fair insight into the behaviour of the Lotus and her crew I expected the day would pass with a flourish.

  On Christmas morning Easter awoke me with my tea at seven.

  'Good morning, Doctor. And a Merry Christmas to you Doctor, with my best respects.'

  'Thank you, Easter. And the same to you.'

  'Bloody 'ot again, ain't it?'

  'What's on the thermometer?'

  He looked at it closely.

  'Hundred and two. Won't be nearly so chilly by midday, neither.'

  'It seems very strange to me to have Christmas in this climate.'

  'Cor,' Easter continued, 'I remember one Christmas we had in the Timor Sea. I was in a Yankee ship then-one of them all-metal jobs inside. She was hot enough melt a bos'n's heart. Early on Christmas morning the Chief Engineer goes and dies, see…'

  'Really, Easter…'

  '…so I reckons we got to chuck the poor bastard over the wall pronto, because in that heat you wouldn't be able to get near him after dinner-time, let alone dress him up in a canvas suit. I tells the Mate-nasty bit of work he was-but he won't have none of it. You know what these Yanks are. Crazy for embalming. "He's got to be embalmed," he says, "then we'll pop him in the galley freezer and he can have a decent burial in the soil of God's Own Country. Besides," he says, "we ain't going to have no funerals on Christmas Day." "Yes," I says, "but who's going to do the embalming?" "You are," he says, "there's instructions in the Pharmacist's Mate's Handbook, and you can get on with it. If you do him nice I'll give you a bottle of Scotch, and if you makes a pig's bottom of him I'll kick you round the deck."

  'What could I do? I tells the Skipper, but he gets a cob on and says it's orders. So I reckon instead of arguing it's best to get on with it while he's still pretty fresh. The Butcher and me goes in there and gets to work, me promising the Butch half of the Scotch-used to be in the meat works at Chicago, the Butch, and reckoned something like that was right up his alley.

  'Oh, we made a lovely job of him,' Easter continued with pride. 'It would have brought tears to his mother's eyes. When we'd finished the Butch and I gets the hospital stretcher to carry him down to the freezer, while the Skipper and all hands gathers round the cabin door to have a dekko. I goes in first holding one end of the stretcher, the Butch holding the other, and the Mate comes in after us to see what sort of a job we've made of him. Well, I dunno. Either we'd made the poor bloke so lifelike, or it was that hot, or he was starting to pong a bit, but the Mate gets inside and passes out like a light. So what could we do? The Butch and I puts him on the stretcher and carries him on deck for some air. When the Skipper sees us coming out with the Mate lying there instead of the corpse he takes one look and bloody well faints as well. Cor, what a lash-up! Stiffs all over the deck. Wasn't 'arf a funny Christmas, that wasn't.'

  'Thank you, Easter,' I said. 'You have cheered my Christmas morn.'

  'The Bos'n's got toothache,' he added.

  'Has he? How badly?'

  'Something cruel, he reckons.'

  'Send him to the hospital. I'll be along in half an hour.'

  The bos'n was a big man with a complexion like an old football and a face as threatening as a battleship's gun-turret. I found him sitting in the hospital chair, holding his jaw and moaning.

  'Merry Christmas,' I said.

  I shone a torch in his mouth and announced 'It'll have to come out.'

  'O.K., Doc,' he said, squaring his shoulders. 'I can take it.'

  We had fortunately found a pair of dental forceps on board, and I hoped they would fit the tooth. I had never extracted one before, but from the ranks of dentists I had seen in action in the hospital out-patient department it looked pretty simple. One simply pulled hard, as though extracting a nail from a plank, and the tooth appeared in a flurry of saliva and blood.

  'Easter,' I said. 'What have we in the way of anaesthetics?'

  'If I may be so bold, sir, and especially seeing it's Christmas, how about the medical comforts?'

  'Capital idea. Are there any left?'

  'I took the liberty of telling the Chief Steward last night that you was wanting some special for the season.'

  'Very well. Go and fetch them, Easter.'

  The three of us sat in a circle and purposefully drank brandy.

  'Have another glass,' I told the Bos'n. 'After all, you're the patient.'

  He said the pain was beginning to wear off.

  'Nevertheless,' I said firmly, 'we must proceed with the operation. I don't want you messing up my Christmas Day with toothache. Open wide,' I commanded. I applied the forceps. 'Is that the one?'

  He nodded vigorously.r />
  I gripped the forceps hard and pulled. It was like trying to crack a fresh Brazil nut. I gave another tug. The Bos'n grunted and screwed his eyes up.

  'This may hurt a little,' I remembered to say.

  I threw all my weight against the tooth. Sweat was running down my face and into my eyes and I was breathing like a middle-aged wrestler.

  'It's no good!' I grunted. 'I'm just not tough enough. Easter, apply counter-pressure to his shoulders, will you? That's right. Now-one, two, three, together heave!'

  The patient slipped down the chair.

  'Oh Lord!' I said.

  'If I might suggest,' Easter said. 'Dr. Flowerday used to find it very useful to put his knee in the bloke's chest.'

  'Like that?'

  'That's right, Doctor. Now shove your elbows against his shoulders.'

  There was a crash, and the patient landed on the deck with me on top of him.

  'Hold on, Doctor!' Easter shouted. 'It's coming!'

  I set my jaw and threw myself into a final effort; but the tooth was as firm as a rivet in a ship's plate. I was about to roll off the patient in exhaustion when he decided it was time to intervene himself. Two large, powerful hands came up and enveloped mine. The Bos'n gave a sharp heave and the tooth came out like a pip from an orange.

  He stood up, spat a mouthful of blood in the sink and looked at me anxiously.

  'Are you all right, Doctor?' he asked, 'Didn't hurt you, did I?'

  'No, I think I'm all right,' I panted.

  'Gawd, that's better! Merry Christmas, Doctor.'

  The Bos'n walked contentedly aft, and I went to join my shipmates. There was an air of geniality on board, fostered not only by the season but the fact that Christmas was technically Sunday and therefore everyone had another half-day's pay.

  After midday the officers were invited to Captain Hogg's cabin for drinks. Everyone came-even the Chief Engineer, who allowed his aversion for both the Captain and the foolish Sassenach custom of celebrating on December 25th to be overcome by his satisfaction of getting a free drink out of his enemy.

  The Captain had already been setting himself in the mood for Christmas, and welcomed us with guarded geniality. We were all cleanly dressed and sober, except the Wireless Operator, who had already been having a party in his cabin with his own friends.

  'Good morning, gentlemen, good morning!' Captain Hogg said, giving us a cold smile. 'Compliments of the season, gentlemen, on behalf of myself and the Company.'

  'It was Christmas Day in the workhouse…' the Sparks began. Hornbeam clapped a hand over his mouth.

  'Help me with the drinks, Mr. Whimble, will you? That's right. Pink gins all round, I suppose? Help yourselves to iced water, gentlemen. Here's to a Merry Christmas.'

  'Same to you, sir!' everyone said, respectfully raising their glasses.

  '…the Master called down the halls,' the Sparks continued. 'Did you like your Christmas dinner? And the inmates answered…'

  Hornbeam shut him up again.

  'I propose,' Captain Hogg said, glancing sternly round the company, 'on this solemn day in our year to make a short speech.'

  There were murmurs of assent all round: he had as much risk of objection as Hitler ever had.

  'This is my ship,' Captain Hogg went on. 'My ship. She is in my care, and so are the lives of all of you in her,' He took a swallow of gin. 'My ambition,' he continued, 'is to have a happy ship. Do you understand? That means that every damn one of you's got to knuckle under. This ship-my ship'-he waved his glass expansively-'is a floating village. We have our butcher, our baker, and our lamp-trimmer. We have our own storekeeper-even our own doctor.' This brought a roar of laughter and a round of applause. 'But I'-he hit his chest-'I am the squire of the village. Get that straight. Give me another gin, Mr. Whimble.'

  'On this occasion,' he resumed, 'I look upon you all with a fatherly eye. All of you. I am proud of you. You are the best crew I've ever sailed with. You are-'

  He stopped. He glared out of the porthole. His face twisted alarmingly. The Lotus had stopped.

  'Mr. McDougall,' he hissed, 'the ship's stopped.'

  McDougall didn't move.

  'Aye,' he said.

  'What is it?' Captain Hogg asked heavily. 'Are you celebrating Christmas so much down below that you have let the boilers go out?'

  McDougall carefully drained his gin.

  'We no celebrate these cissy festivals in my department. We save it up for Hogmanay.'

  'So! You come up here and take my liquor-'

  'And listen to an old windbag like you-'

  'How dare you sir! I have never been insulted like that in all my years at sea!'

  'All your years! I was on watch below when you were flying yellow at the mizzen.'

  Captain Hogg shook a fist at him.

  'I was in sail, sir!'

  'You ought to have stayed there. You'd make a good barge skipper.'

  'We didn't need engineers in those days,' Captain Hogg shouted.

  'And in ten years' time we won't need captains.'

  'Damn you, sir! I won't be talked to like this! I'll have you logged. I will. I mean it. I-'

  'It was Christmas Day in the workhouse-' the Sparks began.

  'Aw, go to hell!' McDougall said.

  'Please, please!' cried Whimble.

  'I've had enough of this, Mr. McDougall-!'

  'And I've had more than enough-!'

  'Steady the Buffs!' said Hornbeam jovially.

  At that moment the Second Steward arrived and announced that dinner was served.

  The saloon was decorated with dusty streamers that were produced every year, like the dinner menu, irrespective of the latitude in which the Lotus found herself. The English are the greatest colonizing race in the world, but they show a reluctance to part with their native habits in climates that render them highly unsuitable or even unhealthy. Wherever two Englishmen are together at Christmas the accustomed dinner must be eaten, in its full carbohydrate glory. The weather demanded a little salad and an ice cream, but we sat down and dutifully faced the full gastronomic trappings of the season-roast turkey, sausages, cold pork, roast beef, boiled cabbage, roast potatoes, mince pies, and Christmas pudding.

  'We've got a nice veal and ham pie on as well, if you want any,' Whimble whispered in my ear as we went in.

  All the officers off watch were crammed round the saloon table. Captain Hogg sat at the head, with McDougall opposite him. The Lotus shivered and started again, and they glared at each other over the tomato soup. Free whisky was given to all hands, and Whimble handed each officer a paper hat, with a plea not to crush it as they would have to make do for the following year.

  I was cutting my first slice of turkey when Hornbeam, who was next to me, gave a nudge.

  'Your man seems to want you,' he said.

  Easter was standing sheepishly in the doorway.

  I excused myself to Captain Hogg and went over to him.

  'What is it?' I asked.

  'Having a nice dinner, Doctor?'

  'Well, if that's all you came to say…'

  'There's been trouble in the poop.'

  'Trouble? What sort of trouble?'

  'Couple of the lads been fighting.'

  'Oh, all right. Who are they?'

  'Two of the stewards. Myrtle and Mavis.'

  'Who did you say?'

  Easter grinned. 'You'll find out,' he said.

  Two tall, silky-haired young men who cleaned the cabins were sitting in the hospital. They were both covered in blood, and one was in tears.

  'What the devil's been going on?' I asked the other.

  His lip quivered and he, too, began to weep.

  'Another little problem of the sea,' Easter remarked tolerantly. 'Them blokes as is a bit late making up their minds whether they're men or women.'

  'Oh lord!' I said. 'What were they fighting about?'

  'I didn't do it!' the first one cried. 'I swear on my honour I didn't!'

  'Oh, yes you did!'
the other shouted. 'You give it back at once, you mean thing!'

  'How can I give it back if I haven't got it?'

  'Yes you have! You've been trying to sneak it all the voyage!'

  'I haven't got that beastly lipstick! It isn't my colour, anyway.'

  They started pulling each other's hair.

  'They're a bit queer,' Easter explained helpfully.

  'Well, do something about them, man! Pour water on them! Get the Mate, and I'll have them logged.'

  Easter hit one over the head with an arms-splint.

  'Turn it up,' he said genially. 'It's Christmas.'

  I put dressings on the unfortunate couple and went back to dinner. By that time everything had been eaten and Captain Hogg was on his feet again, making another speech.

  '…I have said before,' he told the company, leaning on the table, 'and I say it again-I am proud of my crew. The crew of my ship. I shall put in my report to the Company that you are the best crew-'

  His face clouded over. He snarled. The Lotus had stopped again.

  Chapter Thirteen

  The rest of the day passed unalarmingly. We were nearing the busy coast of Uruguay, where the River Plate shipping first turns north to Europe and the States. That night I stood on the hot deck in my pyjamas and watched the quiet sea swishing unhurriedly past the Lotus's side. Another ship approached us, two broken rows of lights in the darkness, her green starboard light shining into ours. An Aldis light flashed from her bridge, calling us up. I watched the Third Mate reply. I supposed we only wished each other a Merry Christmas and exchanged the usual courtesy queries about name and destination, but it made me realize for the first time that the Lotus was not the only ship on the sea: all over the world there were tiny floating communities, with the same sort of people doing the same sort of things as we did-keeping parallel watches, eating similar meals, listening to the identical strokes of another ship's bell. There were other doctors, other mates, other captains, each ship struggling with its own apparently paramount problems. I yawned, as Captain Hogg shrank into comforting perspective.

  When I went to turn in I found Hornbeam in my cabin.

  'Hello, Doc. Just dropped in for a final peg, seeing it's Christmas night. Do you mind?'