by Joy Carlson
Although she was glad when they won, that meant more of the players would get to have sex with her. She enjoyed being down with the crowd and hanging out with Tom and sometimes Ellen. When the team lost, Tom could be mad and take his frustration out on her. Those times hurt. Other times it seemed like he wanted to be consoled. Sex would take longer then. She learned to tell his mood.
After the season was over she, Tom, and some others took a weekend and went to a cabin. It was a wild weekend. Some of the players got drunk. Kathy never got into that. She wanted to keep her wits about her to better be able to handle what was expected of her.
The parties continued throughout the year. During the week she would have sex with her dad. On the weekends, she was free for Tom.
Summer came. Kathy was looking forward to football season to begin again. The summer was full. Her family went on vacation and she also went to a cheerleader camp. She hung out with Ellen. She did not see Tom very often, so she was looking forward to the school year beginning.
Sure enough, football practice and cheerleader practice began about the same time. The parties began again. It was a new level. Tom was on the junior varsity team. That meant there would be more interaction with the upperclassmen as well. There was a big party for everyone out of town at a lake. It had bonfire and drinking. Kathy was not sure what she thought of the drinking. People seemed to be freer. It seemed out of control at times. So far in her life, her sex life had been controlled. First her father controlled it. Then Tom controlled it. There seemed to be pressure by the older players for some more action. She saw Tom negotiating with the varsity quarterback, Jim. She was not sure what had been said. Tom came back to her and asked her to go with him a little ways away behind a small hill. It seemed good. Then Jim came and Tom left. Kathy felt a little fear rise in her. She did not know if she was ready for this. It was thrilling and frightening at the same time. She knew that he was too strong for her to resist him or even slow him down. They were down on the grass with him on top of her. It was quick and effortless. She had been trained well by her father and Dick. Jim seemed pleased. He said he would be seeing more of her throughout the year. Then he left.
Kathy lay there awhile, not sure what to do. Tom came back. He was stuffing something into his pocket; it seemed like money. He was gentle with her as they had sex. It felt more natural, but the level of thrill she had had with Jim was not there.
At home that night, Kathy lay confused. She liked Tom and wanted to remain with him. Yet there was Jim. What deal had they made? Had Tom been paid for her services? What would the season look like?
Kathy found out that Jim did have his own girlfriend. It seemed wise to stay clear. Sometimes Tom would take her to parties with mainly junior varsity players. Again, there seemed to be an award system for how well they played and who got to lie with her. Other times they would attend varsity parties. There, there would be times when Tom would take her to some room and slip out then Jim would come in. That feeling of thrill would rise up in Kathy. She did not want to appear too eager, but her body would betray her at times. She really wanted to be able to lie with Jim after the sex and just have him hold her. He seemed mainly interested in the sex. Then Tom would come in and have his turn. She wondered, as they would enter back into the party, what Jim’s girlfriend knew. There did not seem to be any indication that she had any idea what Jim had been doing for they were always together with his hands on her in some way. At some point in time they would also disappear during the party. She would hang out with Tom at those parties for he did not have the same clout with players for him to hand her off to others at these parties.
One evening Robby came into her room, which was unusual since he had not done so since he had gotten his own girlfriend. She was in the midst of changing into her pajamas. He sat down on her chair. He seemed a bit uncomfortable. He said, “I don’t like what I am hearing in the locker room. I realize that our family set it up. We were the ones who taught you what to do. We are the ones who used you first. Now I see where it has led as you are being used by so many boys. Other boys are wishing they could use you. They know they do not have an in with the football team, though. I don’t like it, but I do not know what to do about it either. Maria has introduced me to a great youth group at church. I do not know if you would want to talk to our youth pastor. He or his wife may know how to help. That is if you want out. I know that there are plenty of people in church circles who would condemn what you do, what our family has done. These people won’t. They care about people and just see that sometimes people get messed up.” Kathy did not respond. Robby continued, “Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I cared, even if I am not sure how to care. If you want, I’ll connect you to them.” Then Robby walked out.
Kathy was not sure what to do with that conversation. Sex had been her life since she could remember. She could not imagine life without it.
Although Tom did not play basketball, they would attend the games together and then go to some party. If Jim was there, she would have a time with him. Otherwise it was mainly she and Tom. Sometimes he would hand her off to someone else. Spring rolled around, which allowed more parties outside. Although she liked being with Tom, there seemed to be something missing, some type of connection, a hollowness.
Another school year ended. She looked forward to being able to spend more time with Ellen during the summer. She could always depend on her love. Her dad had gotten a promotion and was gone more. She and her mom never really had a relationship. She would fake it at times when her mom wanted to pretend like they did.
WHITE LIES
JUROR 10
I do not get it. I am a white male, so I may never get it what it is like to be treated as less than just because of gender, race, ethnicity, or those other ways people judge and categorize others and then treat them as less.
However, I hope that I do have a greater understanding after listening to the testimonies that were presented at this trial. I have heard people talk about white privilege, but this is more. This is white male privilege. I have placed values on people without even knowing them, just based on their looks. I was raised to think that I was better than so many others. It is shameful and embarrassing.
I remember when it was taught “white men don’t jump.” I learned that was taught so the blacks would still be considered lower than whites. Blacks could be good at athletics, physical activities, so the whites could maintain supremacy in the intellectual realm. Telling a group of people they are good at something, even better than your group, helps them feel good about themselves while your group keeps superiority because your groups is defining the other group. Then white men came over from Europe—where they had not been taught “white men don’t jump”—to play basketball and they jumped. White men had to admit that it was all a lie. It was after that that blacks started moving into positions of authority in sports, positions that were seen as requiring more intelligence. It was not easy yet they did it, for they had the abilities and skills to do it; all along they were only limited by the rhetoric about them.
Blacks had it beaten out of them that they had value. Whites also took away from them the strength of the family by tearing them apart, selling them off to other owners. Now we criticize them for not having the family values whites may have. Yet they found their strength in God and in being part of the family of God. They know how to persevere and survive. Creative people.
Hispanics tend to be hard workers. That is why whites have been able to take advantage of them, having them work hard and not paying them for what they are worth, because intellectualism was valued more than hard work. It has also helped to keep them underneath whites.
Asians have a high sense of honor and respect for others. It is something we do not understand. We did not understand that they honored our government and would fight for it during World War II. We sorely mistreated them. Again, we took advantage of them and are glad that they can survive in their own “towns” within our cities. Even the Hawaiian
s had a culture of peace and generosity. Whites took it over with their culture of war and greed. Native Americans have a respect for nature and all living things. We exploit the earth and its inhabitants, whether animal, plant, or humans.
We can learn from the various groups among us and find what the good is in each and share it, value it.
We also can never expect any one individual to speak for an entire group. For instance, blacks who live in the south of Chicago are generally descendants of those who came after the Civil War. Those who live on the west side of Chicago are generally descendants of those who came after the Civil Rights Movement. Different histories, different experiences create different understandings of life. Even if they come from the same neighborhood, the same school, they will be different as they may have different teachers within the school. Their families surely have some differences.
So what does this have to do with Kathy and Doug? Again, the lie that exists that men are superior to women just because they generally are physically stronger and can force the woman to do as the man wants. For some men, their great desire is to have a son who will carry on the family legacy. How many men, sadly, have divorced their wives when they learn she cannot have children? For others, they have reduced themselves just to their own pleasure or their own sense of worth in having power over someone else.
So to maintain this false superiority, there is the lie that women have choice. We have made them think they have some power, which they really do not. When a man forces a woman to have sex with him, either by physical force or by promising love if she does, promising her that he will value her, she really does not have choice. Many women have been taught that they do not have choice as they had to obey their fathers growing up. The boys were seen as superior growing up. So offering a sense of value to a person starving for recognition is not offering choice. As society is right now, it is hard for a single mom to make it. So what real choice does the woman actually have? And if she does decide to keep the child, society will not reward her with good jobs to be able to support the child, for she may have to take off in order to care for the sick child. Undependable she is labeled.
Women who are in marriage and decide to have a child need to arrange for childcare if they want to stay in the workforce. If they decide to stay home, when they decide to reenter the workforce, all the work they did to raise that child or their children is not acknowledged for all that it took to raise that child or children. They should get credit for the years worked in being a mother. The lie has been that it does not take as much to do that type of work as it does to work in an office or manufacturing plant, or other workplace. As long as we, men, keep the lies going, we can keep our sense of false superiority.
So Kathy, who was not valued as a person and could not overpower Doug, chose to use a means a man or group of men choose when they see they cannot physically overpower another man or group of men. Kathy chose a weapon. We allow men to fight back, to fight for their freedom, so why not allow a woman to fight?
I sympathize with Kathy and her circumstances and the choice she made. I cannot say I fully understand it in any way, as I have not been put in such a position. I honor her choice.
HIGH SCHOOL: THE LAST TWO YEARS
Robby left for college. Although they had not interacted much over the last four years or so, she missed him. There was something stabilizing about his presence. Maria, his girlfriend, had always seemed so nice to her.
Kevin would be entering high school this year. He was into his friends. Over time they would get into girls, too. He would come and ask her questions about how to interact with girls. She showed him some of the ways and maneuvers that Dick tried on her. Having sex with her younger brother was no thrill. However, her older siblings had done it with her so she felt obligated to do it with Kevin.
Besides cheerleading again, she got a job at the local drive-in. It brought in some money so she was free from coming up with reasons to ask her mom for money when her dad was not around. Dad had always been ready to give her money to make sure she kept up her attractiveness and to purchase what she needed to protect herself during sex. She had never been good at taking pills on a regular basis so had opted out of birth control pills and used condoms instead.
Tom was the quarterback of varsity now, as Jim had moved on. This brought him back to the status of being able to reward players for play. They were having a winning season, so there were enough rewards to hand out. Kathy did not mind as it raised her status as well. The players respected her and interacted with her in the hallways. She did not mind the stares of jealousy coming from the other girls.
After a while, she did come to realize the thrill that came from having sex with Jim had been because there was an edge of daring to it. She realized this was someone who wanted her, who thought she was good at what she did. He had to do it without others finding out so that it would not get back to his girlfriend and others. Even though there was respect and admiration for her last year she was still a sophomore, too “immature” supposedly for a senior like Jim.
One night as she was leaving the drive-in, there was a car that seemed to follow her. It finally passed her and then stopped in front of her to block her way. She had to slam on her brakes. The boy got out and started pointing at his car as if she had hit it. She got out to check it out. He grabbed her and thrust her into the backseat of his car. There was another boy there who held her down. A third got into her car and drove it. She did not see where they were going. After a while they stopped and got her out. They went into an abandoned house and each of them raped her. Of all the boys she had had sex with, none had been so forceful. None had felt so invasive. When they were done they reversed the process, driving her back to just outside of town. They dumped her on the side of the road. The boy who drove her car got into their car and they drove off.
Kathy had never felt so dirty or used. She lay there in shock for a while, not knowing how to process this incident. She tried to recall what they looked like, what the car looked like, what anything looked like, but it seemed she wanted to forget the whole experience ever happened. She wanted to go on with her life.
When she got home it was late. She took a shower, trying to get rid of the dirty feeling. In ways it brought up similar feelings to the first time her dad had sex with her. It was not as physically painful, yet there was still a sense that something had shifted, something had changed. She wondered if anyone would accept her anymore.
The next morning she got up. Her mom and dad did not seem to notice anything about her. Kevin came in and out as he got ready for school. As she entered school, other students greeted her as normal. Tom came up and gave her a kiss. She felt in ways she stumbled from class to class. She realized she must have had a smile on her face as other students smiled back at her. Cheerleading practice ended and she went home, throwing herself on the bed as sobs racked her body. She must have fallen asleep, as her mom woke her up when she came to let her know supper was ready.
Life went on.
When she started not feeling well in the morning, she realized she had not had her period. She bought a pregnancy test and performed it before her mom came home from work. She was pregnant. Now what? Who could she tell? She knew other girls who had dropped out of school, as their family would not let them get an abortion or the boy said he would be there for them. She knew other girls who had opted for abortions. Of all the times she had had sex, why did it have to be a situation like this that had made her pregnant. How could she tell anyone? She had to get rid of it soon, before Tom or Ellen could find out. Of course she did not want her mom to find out.
After school the next day she skipped cheerleading practice, telling Ellen she was not feeling well. She went to a clinic on the other side of town, hoping no one would see her. They seemed to know what they were doing. It did not take as long as she had expected. She was glad she did not need a parent’s signature. Would her dad have been willing to sign if she had needed one? No way would she have wanted
to tell her mom, as her mom was clueless as to what her life had been like in regards to her sex life.
It took a few days to recover. She lay low for a while and made an excuse to Tom about not being able to attend the party, saying family was in town. She promised to make it up to him.
Life went on and she pushed it behind her. She finished off her junior year and looked forward to her senior year. It was the year she would reign.
Summer passed quickly with work, vacation, and spending time with friends. It hit her how little connection she had with her mom. They got along okay. She did not argue with her mom, as she had learned from an early age how to avoid opening up to her mom. Now as she was looking forward to her senior year and thinking about what college to attend the following year, she kind of wanted some kind of advice from her mom. How could she get it though? She decided to ask her mom to help her check out some colleges. The trip seemed okay. It did show how disconnected she and her mom were and it seemed to indicate that they would never be able to connect.
School started, football season, applying to college, filling out so many forms. Homecoming arrived. She and Tom were king and queen. It seemed hollow. It had been expected. She was starting to question what she wanted in life. She had never really been allowed to explore that. She realized that her dad had controlled her life from infancy. Although she and Robby had not really connected, he had been the one family member who had showed some concern for her at one time. She kept going through the motions—school, work, and parties. She looked forward to graduating. She and Tom were not close enough to want to go to the same school together. She could tell he was really interested in someone else. She thought it was Rae. She and Tom had been an item for so long that it seemed they could not break up. She knew she helped him keep his status. She continued to play the game until graduation. They kissed one last time. It was done.