The Solitude of Passion

by Addison Moore

  “Colt’s coming with me.” He’s quick with the false assurance.

  An unsettled laugh gurgles in my chest. “I feel better already.” You can taste the sarcasm. “You need to recover. You can’t even go to the bathroom without pain, much less another continent.”

  He gives a slow blink and nods. I can tell he’s not dismissing the notion. He’s simply quieting the conversation, shelving any potential drama for later.

  An entire bevy of erratic thoughts swim through my mind. I need to update my passport. I need Max to take care of the kids and—my baby. My hand rises to my abdomen. I can’t risk losing this baby. I can’t risk getting trapped in a prison for five minutes. I can feel my skin rising in welts, replicas of the scars that Mitch wears. I can’t die over there hoping Mitch will come back and stay safe. Stella and Eli need me. Townsend and Shepherd need me. Max needs me.

  Janice drops the bag on the coffee table and speeds out of the room. He’s going to kill his mother, both of them will.

  “When we leaving?” Colt seems serious, too serious. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear he looks downright frightened.

  “Soon. I want to get this over with.”

  “What about Stella?” It comes out hollow. I’m no longer in the equation. I can feel it.

  “Bring her over tomorrow.” Mitch meets my gaze for the first time, earnest and apologetic. “I’ll say goodbye.”

  I don’t want any of his miserable apologies. The only thing I want to bring is a frying pan down over his skull and make him forget about every other country on the planet, the same way he’s forgotten to stay home and love me.

  Mitch

  I wait until Lee takes off to pick up the kids before asking Colt to help me upstairs. Mom won’t even look in my direction.

  “Grab a carryon bag from the attic,” I instruct as I pull a few shirts out of the drawer of my old bedroom. Nothing but a couple of plain white tees and one that reads British Columbia that belonged to my dad—most likely a bad omen. I sling it on the bed anyway.

  “Here.” Colt unzips a small duffle bag. “So, how long will it be before we’re taken captive? Can I choose between electrocution or gas? Electrocution’s sort of on my bucket list—near the bottom, but nevertheless.”

  “Three days.”

  “Three days? Great.”

  “That’s how long I plan on staying.”

  “So, if you left last time with the intention of staying two weeks and landed your ass in prison for five years, lets see… this time we’re looking at a year and a half max?” He pins me with a look. “Is my math off?”

  I knock my sling into the door and let out a groan.

  “Hurt much?”

  “Only when I move it, smart ass.” The physical therapist wants to see me every other day, but that’ll have to wait. She threatened it might freeze this way without therapy. I almost wouldn’t mind as long as I could get back to Stella and Lee. But everything in me knows I have to go. The entire country has a stranglehold on me, like some giant prison guard is holding me up by the neck and won’t let go. Scenes from my internment play out in the back of my mind like a constant mocking that I can’t shut off.

  “So why we going? You didn’t get to see the wall?”

  “That’s right. I didn’t get to see the wall. Good fences make good neighbors. Bring a camera, I hear that thing’s huge.” I toss my deodorant and toothpaste into the bag.

  He plucks them back out. “Too bad, you can’t bring this crap on board anymore. Are we going knockoff shopping? I hear we could make a fortune on eBay.” Colton glares at me while demanding a better answer.

  “How about I sell you on eBay?” I take a seat at the wooden ladder-back chair I used to log time in while still in school, reminds me of the notes I used to write Lee. “I need to go and come back. It’s going to eat me alive if I don’t. And when I get back, I’m going to ask Lee to marry me again. You up for best man?”

  “You’re delusional, dude.” He shakes his head, looking desperately sorry for me. “She’s already married.”

  I glare over at him. “I may not be able to hit you, but I can sure poison your food.”

  Colt starts reorganizing the suitcase.

  “You’re a nutcase, Mitch. I’m going with you, but the second our plane touches back down on U.S. soil I’m locking you up and giving Max Shepherd the key.”

  “I don’t see why the fuck not. You gave him everything else.”

  It’s late, but Lee calls me over to the beach house, so we can talk. She asked me to come around back, so I wouldn’t wake the kids. I was assuming it’d just be the two of us, but it’s the white of Max’s eyes I see first.

  It’s cold out as the salty fog licks against my skin. The moon hides beneath a white veil, just a sliver tonight—a thumbnail moon.

  I can’t get my arm in a jacket, so I didn’t even bother. I thought maybe Lee could keep me warm—guess I was wrong.

  “What’s going on?” I take a hard sniff of the thick night air.

  “Lee’s grabbing a sweater.” He leans back in his seat and takes a sip from his steaming mug.

  I don’t like the feel of this, the tension—the mystery. Who knows what Lee has planned.

  Lee steps out with her hair pulled back in a ponytail, her face fresh scrubbed. Lee looks all of sixteen, and it sends my dick knocking at my Levis.

  “Hi.” She’s all smiles as she makes her way over, as if the three of us were getting ready to make S’mores by the fire. Lee slips an arm around my waist and kisses me openly on the lips in front of Max. I look nervously over at him. If Lee’s big plan is to incite him into beating the shit out of me, it’s going to work brilliantly.

  “Lee says you’re headed to China.” Max seems indifferent.

  “Just a few days.”

  “Do they still mark days in twenty-four hour intervals?” His features darken. “You know how upset Stella will be when she gets wind of this?”

  “I’ll tell her,” I offer.

  Max doesn’t say anything. He just shifts his gaze to Lee.

  “I think it’s better if I told her.” Lee rubs her hands over her arms. “But I’m not really looking forward to it—just like I’m not looking forward to this.” Her gaze falls to the sand and lingers. “I wanted you both here because I need to share something.”

  I hope this is about the baby. I’ve been waiting for Lee to tell me. To give me the slightest hint that she thinks it might be mine.

  “I’ve made a decision about my life.” She looks mournfully over at Max, her lids heavy with grief.

  Shit. Not this.

  “Lee.” I try and garner her attention, but she won’t bite.

  “It hasn’t been easy.” She presses her lips together until her face is pale as the moon. “I’m always going to be Stella and Eli’s mom, that’s a title I’ll never have to give up. I never thought I’d have to stop being your wife, Mitch, but when you were gone, and we didn’t know…” She shoots a look over to the black ocean. We sit and listen to the waves tumble over one another while Lee’s mind splinters from the pain I’ve caused. “I never would have imagined giving up being your wife, Max. It seems like we’ve been through everything together—you’re a better husband than I could have hoped for.” Her eyes dart to mine. “But I don’t want you to go to China, Mitch. I want you to stay, right here in Mono. A small part of me feels like you’re punishing me for not leaving Max. I know you’re going to deny it, and that’s okay, but I think somewhere in the back of your mind—”

  “Not true.” I shake my head emphatically. “I would never do that.” It never crossed my mind.

  “You’re doing it,” Max interjects. “You’re manipulating Lee into making a decision before she’s ready.”

  “I have made a decision,” the words speed out of her. “I’m sorry, Max. I can’t do this with either of you anymore. I never meant to break your heart. I hope you don’t hate me, but I’m filing first thing in the morning.” She can’t say the D wor
d—she can’t say divorce.

  He rests his elbows onto the table and examines her as if they were playing poker. “So if I tell you I’m going to hurl myself off a bridge are you going to retract your statement? You’re operating under fear, Lee, you know that?”

  “That’s not true.” She glances back at me. “Mitch, we can go back to China together when the kids are older.” The desperation in her voice proves his point. “But right now, we need more time to focus on piecing our lives together—to focus on us.”

  “Lee,” I whisper, pulling her in. “I’m still going. I have to. This is something for me. I need to break this mental hold it has and come back on my own terms.”

  Her lips part as if she’s about to say something then aborts the effort. Lee is willing to rearrange the ladder of her existence, and I’ve just removed the ground beneath her. I hate this. I hate this feeling. I hate destroying Max, Lee, Stella, and my mother.

  “You’re nothing but a fucking bastard, Townsend.” Max gets up from the table. “You’ve got her right where you want her. Hope you’re happy. If you do have the misfortune of rotting away in some detention center again you can always look back on how you cracked Lee’s heart in two just for the hell of it this time.” He knocks back his chair and heads inside. Lee and I watch as he snatches his keys off the counter. A few moments later the front door slams like a gunshot.

  “I’m going after him.” I give Lee a quick kiss before pushing through the sand and heading into the darkness.

  I need Max to be there for Lee again.

  I want him to.

  Max

  Headlights trail me all the way to Hudson’s. It’s either Mitch, or Mitch and Lee, either of those two in combination or without. I pull onto the weed-laden front yard and dig inside the dashboard for a flashlight.

  Got it.

  I click it on and off, but it’s dead. Figures.

  A truck pulls alongside me. Its just Mitch, and I’m a little relieved by this. I’m not ready to deal with Lee and her unpopular decision. My gut wrenched just listening to her. I almost hurled as I got up to leave, and I should have—projected it all at Mitch.

  I roll down the passenger window. “You got a flashlight?” I ask before he has a chance to get out of his truck. It looks like a major deal, the way he’s barely moving. He dives into the center council and plucks one out.

  Score two for Mitch tonight.

  I hop out and snatch it from him, don’t wait for him to crawl out of the truck. He’ll catch up eventually.

  Lights are on inside the house. Hudson’s truck is parked high on the driveway. Glad to know he’s home, but I’m not up for any brotherly bonding unless, of course, he’s in the shed, high as a kite.

  “Where we going?” Mitch struggles to keep up. I think he’s limping now, too. Perfect. I’m sure Lee will want to coddle the hell out of him, kiss all of his mother fucking boo-boos so long as he stays on U.S. soil.

  “Keep it down. You in a hurry to show my brother his handy work?”

  “Knew it.”

  I crack open the door to the shed and hold it open while Mitch gimps in.

  “Is this where you’re going to finish the job?” Mitch settles inside as I do a clean sweep of the counter and spot a tall, metal canister.

  I pluck off the lid and take a sniff.

  “Bingo.” It’s filled to the brim with dehydrated crap—nothing but the best. “He’s such an idiot. He doesn’t even bother to hide this shit.” There’s a small plastic bag near the bottom with a few fat rolls inside. I hand one to Mitch and grab a lighter off the ledge.

  We settle in a pile of old blankets on the floor. I don’t want to think about Mitch or Townsend or the testicular history this crumpled up blanket beneath us might have met up with. I just want to numb myself from the world—from Lee.

  We don’t say anything. The haze breaks through the window as the stars wink down at us.

  “I never hated you, Mitch.” The entire room fills with a veil of Hudson’s illegal dealings as we choke and toke ourselves into a mind-numbing nirvana. We’re entranced by the soft swirl, the slow lethargic circles that evaporate to nothing.

  “You hated me a little,” he says it low as if he didn’t mean to.

  “A little.” It’s easy to admit it here in the dark, with the noxious fumes hacking away at our brain cells.

  “I never hated you either,” he says. “I lied to myself, and said I did—believed it too. If I didn’t want Lee, I wouldn’t have cared if the two of you got together—hell, I would’ve rooted you on. I knew it was you or me, though—and I needed it to be me.”

  “So you have balls after all,” I say. “You hide them well.”

  “I do what I can.” He takes a long, slow hit and seals it in his lungs, expiring it into a white tornado aimed at the ceiling.

  “You’re a control freak, you know that, Mitch?”

  “I know—and the funny thing is, the more I tried to hold onto things, the further they slipped away. I think, right now, I just need to close a few wounds. Come back as a new man—one that doesn’t try to navigate other people’s emotions.”

  “You did a great job of navigating Lee’s emotions tonight.”

  He pulls a bleaks smile and shakes his head before taking another hit. Somehow I believe he’s not doing this to sway her.

  “So you’re really going back there?”

  “Bought my ticket this afternoon. I leave six in the morning, day after next.”

  “I’d go with you, but I’m too busy pulling your company’s ass out of the shitter.”

  “Mmm.” A pale fog evaporates from his lips. “Colt’s going. And, thanks by the way. I’d do the same if the roles were reversed.”

  “You’d gladly steal Lee?”

  “I’ve done it before.”

  “Yes, you did.” At least he’s honest. “It’s more complicated now, though. Kids and stuff.”

  “We’re going to be dads together.”

  “Yup. Joined at the hip for life. I’m sure you’re loving it.”

  “No, it’s good. I like being connected to you. I think of you as a brother. Used to anyway.”

  I take in a smooth, long drag—hold my breath until my lungs burn, then blow it from my lips like a white-hot tornado.

  “That’s good,” I whisper. “I’m not through with Lee, though. I plan on several affairs. She can’t resist me. Always know when you can’t find her, I’m off somewhere entertaining her with my body.” I nod into this reality as though it were the most banal thing in the world.

  “Perfect.” He tosses his joint on the floor and stomps out the glowing ember.

  “She tell you she’s pregnant?” I ask.

  “Nope. She tell you?”

  “I don’t know.” I’ve been on information overload these past few weeks. I can’t keep it straight anymore. “You got any money stashed away?” I doubt it, but I’m hopeful.

  “Nothing, why?”

  “We’re broke. I put another lien on the house, but I still can’t scrounge enough cash to pay the bills. You might come back from China with nothing, Mitch.”

  “Wouldn’t be the first time.”

  “So if this whole wine thing doesn’t pan out, you want to go into construction?”

  “Are you kidding?” He’s finally absorbing what I’ve been trying to tell him.

  “No, I’m not kidding. I’d like to send our kids to college one day, buy them new clothes once in a while, and keep a roof over their heads. Food might be necessary now and again.”

  “You and me?” A laugh gets stifled in his throat. “What about Colt and Hudson?”

  “Maybe Colt. I’m pretty sure Hudson’s got room and board covered for the next ten to twenty years.”

  “You turning him in?”

  “Hell, yes, I’m turning him in.” I don’t bother telling him about the mass pilfering of the company’s bank account. I feel like an idiot for having trusted him in the first place.

  “You think
he’ll get a refund, now that I’m alive?”

  “Nah, he’s probably onto plan B. If I were you, I’d watch your back.”

  He nods. “It’s always nice to be wanted.”

  “Yeah, well, tell me how it feels sometime.”

  “It feels insane. The best part is knowing that there’s a plan in all this—a purpose.”

  “Is that why you’re still here?”

  “Without a doubt. You’ve got one, too.”

  “Oh, I know it,” I say, rolling a blanket into a pillow. “It involves misery and humiliation, breaking my back in thankless Townsend field. In fact, I think I’ll rename the damn place just that, hang a giant sign out front for everyone to see.”

  “I want it all back, Max.”

  “All yours.” I slap my hands together, wiping them clean. “Get back in one piece, and I’ll sign anything you want. Just get my name off it.”

  “Shepherd going to be okay?”

  “No, Mitch. You managed to drown out whatever profit I was making a long time ago. It feels like I’m serving penance for what my mother did.”

  “She wasn’t alone. My father had his hand in it.”

  I look over at him. “It was some other body part, but I appreciate the olive branch.”

  Mitch closes his eyes. We laugh until nothing but our voices linger in the air. I fall asleep and dream strange dreams. Mitch and I are young again. It’s the night of the party, and this time we decide not to go.

  23

  Paper Roses

  Lee

  Max never came home. I take the kids to school and pretend it’s just another ordinary day, not some hellish rendition of my worst nightmare, the last day Stella might see her father again. I apprise Kat of the situation over lunch. She looks amused while consuming mass quantities of fries drenched in every available condiment until her food swims in a dull orange mess.

  “You want some?” She pushes her plate into me, and my stomach does a revolution.

  “I should be with Mitch,” I say it like it’s a chore of gargantuan proportion. “I can’t, though. I don’t know how I’m going to survive this.”