Growing Up Duggar: It's All About Relationships

by Duggar, Jill

  We’re not saying there’s anything wrong with dyeing your hair (although we recommend that you know what you’re doing before you try it!). We love to experiment with different styles, and some of us may decide someday to add highlights or change our hair color. But most likely, it won’t be Jana!

  Like many people—maybe like you—we sometimes feel we need to make a change in our appearance or in some other aspect of our lives, but we’re learning that it’s wise to ask advice, and we certainly need to pray about it. We like to look our best, but we don’t want to get carried away and let a focus on outward beauty cause us to lose sight of what’s most important: developing inward character.

  CHOOSING OUR FAVORITE STYLES

  NOW, LET US TAKE a moment to chat about the Duggar girls’ fashion preferences and shopping habits. What we’re about to share are our personal standards—not everyone shares the same convictions. Even families who share our Christian values may not share our same convictions about modesty. Daddy reminds us regularly that if the Lord shows you something from Scripture, then you have a responsibility to respond to that guidance. We simply honor what God wants our family to do. It doesn’t mean that what we do is for everybody. God convicts different people of different things at different times.

  As we were growing up, Mom and Dad always explained in detail why we do what we do and that everything had a root in Scripture. Now that we’re older, we do our own research. Dad and Mom desire each one of us to individually follow God.

  Duggars tend to be night owls instead of early risers, but quite a few times we have had to get up super early to gather in our home’s living room for remote broadcasts for the Today show.

  Throughout our younger years, Dad taught us all to be frugal, and Mom did an amazing job of clothing her big family well on a shoestring budget—and thrift store purchases. Her focus was never on whether her children were dressed in the most expensive clothing but on who filled our hearts.

  We’re aware of modern fashion trends because we travel a lot and interact with a wide variety of people. But we prefer to wear modest and feminine skirts and dresses; it’s how Mom dressed us as we were growing up; and now that we are older, it’s what we choose for ourselves. It’s our own personal conviction based on scriptures such as Deuteronomy 22:5 and 1 Timothy 2:9. And since our favorite shopping style is frugality, our favorite places to shop are thrift and consignment stores. If you shop there enough (and we go fairly often!) you can find great clothes at great prices.

  While some people shop in used clothing stores begrudgingly, we absolutely love it! Many times you can find adorable outfits for about 80 to 90 percent off the prices you might pay for them at the mall. It’s like a treasure hunt! When we’re traveling, as we get close to the place we’re going to stay, we girls get online and start mapping out nearby thrift stores. (If our oldest brother Josh is with us, he’ll be locating every nearby pawnshop looking for equipment or items he can use or resell.)

  Duggars simply love deals. Mom and Dad continuously teach us to “buy used and save the difference,” and we enjoy both the shopping and the savings.

  We aren’t especially interested in labels, except maybe for those brands we know are well made and won’t fall apart in the laundry. We simply want to dress in a way that is modest and cute. We want to be respectful of those around us, and we don’t want those we meet and work with to be distracted by what we’re wearing.

  It’s okay to enhance or accent whatever beauty God has given us, but we try to be careful not to wear clothes that are too tight and draw attention to the wrong places. But this does not mean we go out dressing frumpy or trying to look formless. Clothing can be cute, trendy, and stylish, and still entirely modest.

  We do not dress modestly because we are ashamed of the body God has given us; quite the contrary. We realize that our body is a special gift from God and that He intends for it to be shared only with our future husband (Proverbs 5:18–20). For this reason, we avoid low-cut, cleavage-showing, gaping, or bare-shouldered tops; and when needed, we wear an undershirt. We try to make it a habit to always cover the top of our shirt with our hand when we bend over. We don’t want to play the peekaboo game with our neckline.

  Scripture states in several places that the uncovering of the thigh is nakedness, so we have also chosen not to wear short skirts; our goal is to wear skirts that come below the knee.

  It just makes sense that convictions should carry over into every area of life, so looking ahead, we each desire to maintain this standard of modesty when choosing our wedding dress. For us, this will mean finding a dress with sleeves and a modest neckline. We feel that many designers encourage girls to flaunt things to all their wedding guests that should be seen only by their groom. However, there are bridal companies who understand that it is possible to make wedding gowns absolutely gorgeous while being entirely modest. Several of our friends have purchased stunning dresses from designers such as www.beautifullymodest.com or www.totallymodest.com.

  Everybody makes mistakes. Toddler Jana realized she’d made one when she pulled a long strand of toilet tissue off the roll—and then couldn’t figure out how to get it back on.

  It is our goal to maintain modesty when we are swimming or participating in other activities as well. While long shorts and a swim shirt have worked in the past, we have now found many modest swimwear companies online that make cute styles that are both practical and comfortable for swimming. (One that we have used is wholesomewear.com.)

  Mom says that after she became a Christian, she realized, I wouldn’t go out in public wearing just my bra and panties, but how is wearing a bikini or even a one-piece at the pool or beach any different than that? She felt convicted that there wasn’t any difference.

  It’s true that boys need to keep their minds out of the gutter, but we girls also have a responsibility not to dress or act in a way that builds up sensual desires in guys.

  As Christians, it is our hope that through the way we dress, act, and carry ourselves, others will be able to see God’s love shining through our faces, our words, and our actions. That’s the “clothing label” we want to wear.

  As teenagers we may have gone through times when we were insecure and momentarily influenced by the world around us instead of by the God who made us. But through our parents’ prayers, and ultimately by God’s grace, God has brought us back to what’s really important. The stories of how that happened are what we hope to share with you in the following pages.

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  YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARENTS

  Love, respect, and communication

  Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long.

  —Exodus 20:12

  WE GET A LOT of letters and e-mails from girls who watch 19 Kids and Counting, and many of them ask our advice on tough issues. We don’t pretend to have all the answers to the difficult situations some of these girls are going through. But, in this book, we want to share what we’ve learned and what we’ve experienced that might relate to their questions.

  Most important, we pray for the girls who share their hearts with us.

  A lot of the girls have written to us about the pain caused by their dad abandoning their family or their parents getting a divorce. Others are still living all under the same roof, but there is much strife, contention, and anger.

  Our dad has shared that when he was growing up, his dad did not have a spiritual focus, and because of that his father often did not have the right attitudes and responses. This caused a lot of problems in his family. They struggled financially and had the utilities temporarily shut off many times. At one point their house was foreclosed on.

  But his mother was a strong woman of faith who consistently encouraged Dad and his older sister to trust the Lord no matter what came their way. Dad said he tried to pick out his dad’s good qualities and apply them to his life—things like sales ability and a giving heart—but leave out the bad qualities. He also looked up to other godly men in his c
hurch as role models. Romans 8:28 became Dad’s life verse: “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose.”

  This means that as we trust God, He will work all situations to turn out for eventual good in our lives. So instead of getting angry and upset when things don’t go our way, we need to thank God and look for the benefits that can come from the situation. He has promised that even the seemingly bad will work out for our good!

  As a result of Dad’s childhood, one obvious benefit was that he gained great faith in God. There were a few times when his family honestly didn’t know where their next meal would come from, but his mom would encourage them to pray, and he saw God answer their prayers countless times. This caused him to develop a spiritual focus at a young age. Also, with his father not striving to be a spiritual leader in his life, Dad determined early on that, by God’s grace, he would become a godly husband and father to his own family one day.

  Dad’s background has also given him sensitivity toward others who have grown up in similar situations. Our parents have led our family to reach out to those around us who for one reason or another don’t have a mom or dad. As we have reached out, we have truly felt that we have received the greater blessing in return through the love others have shown us.

  Mom’s dad spent most of his growing-up years in an orphanage. Despite that rough beginning, he chose not to go through life feeling sorry for himself or to wallow in depression but rather to live cheerfully and encourage those around him. He became a very tenderhearted man and a hard worker. He got promoted into management at a large machine shop and eventually took a job that moved his family from Cincinnati, Ohio, to Springdale, Arkansas, when Mom was four years old. He determined to become a loving father, and he and his wife ended up having seven children (our mom is the seventh).

  This goes to show that no matter what kind of family situation you grow up in, God can use it to make you stronger. And as you resolve to develop a genuine love and servant’s heart toward your family, you will see God begin to work in their hearts as well.

  BOUNDARIES

  SOME PARENTS ARE A little on the strict side; others are more laid-back. But it is important for each of us to realize that our parents love us. Even though parents make mistakes and are not perfect, it’s important that we honor and respect them.

  As we get older and show signs of maturity, we gain more freedoms, but with greater freedom comes greater responsibility. For years, our parents have invested in our lives and mentored us with the goal of sending us out into this world to make a difference.

  We have received letters from girls whose parents want to be “cool,” so they avoid telling their kids no. Those parents probably assume their teenagers are mature enough to set their own appropriate boundaries and make wise choices. But we know from our own experience that young teenagers often don’t have the maturity needed for making decisions, especially for deciding issues that can carry lifelong impact. We made plenty of poor decisions as teenagers, and while we’re thankful our parents gave us increasing freedom to decide tough issues for ourselves as we matured, we’re also grateful they didn’t just turn us loose to decide everything independently as soon as we turned thirteen—or even eighteen!

  Instead, they have given us plenty of guidance and have provided a solid foundation during our growing-up years. When each of us children learned to read, they encouraged us to read and study the Bible, and as we grew they encouraged us to start thinking about the convictions and guidelines God would have us set for ourselves. In this chapter we’re going to talk about how they did that.

  THE HOTTEST HOT TOPIC

  ONE OF THE BIGGEST issues teenage girls focus on is boys—in particular, one boy. At least that’s what girls tell us in letters that usually say something like “There’s this boy . . .”

  We get the feeling that the world thinks strained relationships between teenage girls and their parents occur most often because the girl wants to date a certain boy and the parents say no. Usually it’s because the girl is too young or because the boy isn’t “good enough” for their daughter. And certainly we get letters from girls (and parents) in those situations, so we know that’s often the case.

  Duggars grow up sharing lots of hugs, laughter, and love. From left: Jinger, Jana, Jill, and Jessa.

  But we have also received several letters from girls who wished their parents would have provided more boundaries for them when they were dating. Surprising, but true.

  Before we go any further, we need to clarify that none of us girls actually plans to date (as most people would define dating). If marriage is in God’s future plan for any of us, we desire for our relationships with our future husbands to develop through courtship, rather than today’s norm of dating. We’ll talk more about that in chapter 5, but for now we want to focus on a teenage girl’s relationship with her parents as she becomes aware of teenage boys and starts thinking about dating or courtship.

  Here’s the bottom line: The relationship a girl has with her dad often influences how she will relate to boys. Girls want to believe their dads love them and will protect them. When they don’t feel that, they often go searching for those things from guys. This can lead to unwise decisions, which in turn bring a host of consequences and painful memories.

  One young woman who wrote to us desperately wanted her father to at least check out the boys who wanted to date her. But he didn’t. When a boy came to pick her up at her home, her dad would send her on her way with the words “Have a good time.”

  Maybe that seems like every teenage girl’s dream—a dad who lets her do whatever she wants or go out with any guy she wants to date. But when we reached out to mentor this girl, she told us that as she and the boy-of-the-week would drive away, she might have been smiling on the outside, but inside she felt empty. Worthless. Not even important enough for her father to bother checking out the boy who was taking her out.

  Children grow up seeing what their parents value. We are grateful to have parents whose faith in Jesus is their top priority. They value their relationship with Him, and second to that, they cherish their relationship with each other and with their family. A girl watches what her father takes care of: his sports car, his custom-made golf clubs, his investments. It’s unlikely that a dad would entrust his prized convertible to a teenage boy he didn’t really know and just let the kid take it out for a spin without supervision; but that same dad may let a relatively unknown boy drive off with his daughter without giving it much thought.

  That dad may think he’s being a great, understanding father who wants to make his daughter happy. But instead he may be striking a severe blow to that daughter’s self-esteem. It’s easy for her, in that situation, to think she’s not good enough, not important enough, to be loved. And that kind of thinking can make her vulnerable to the first boy who tells her he loves her and wants to share that love through a physical relationship.

  The girl may so yearn to feel valued and accepted by a male that she gives in to the boy’s desires. But too often the boy’s “love” for her turns out to be fleeting, and the girl is left feeling cast off and degraded. From there, things can easily spiral downward as the girl’s yearning to feel valued intensifies and she seeks acceptance from the next boy who comes along. We hear from a lot of girls in this painful situation.

  Girls want their dad to be their protector. They want to feel valued by their dad more than any possession he owns. If he doesn’t show that he values her, daughters can easily feel devalued, even betrayed.

  Even though there are a lot of birthdays to celebrate in our family, our parents make each of them special. Here Jinger, left, Jessa, and Dad admire the cake Mom made to celebrate Jessa’s seventh birthday.

  If you’re a girl in this situation, we know it’s unlikely that you’ll go to your father and say, “Dad, I’d like you to be stricter with me when it comes to dating.” But we encourage you to pray about your relationsh
ip with your dad and ask God to give him those characteristics he’s missing, or to give him insights that will help improve his relationship with you. And then do your part: show respect when your dad makes hard decisions; don’t argue or pout when he sets guidelines for your family. And watch for opportunities to spend time with your dad and talk with him, knowing that close communication can strengthen your relationship.

  THE IMPORTANCE OF LOVE AND RESPECT

  OF COURSE, SOMETIMES THINGS happen in families that make communication difficult, if not impossible. We hear from girls whose families struggle with a wide range of challenges in their parents: alcoholism, drug addiction, physical abuse, or the absence of a parent due to death or divorce. We’re barely more than teens ourselves, and in these situations we don’t have the professional training to give these girls the kind of emergency assistance they need. So in those cases, we urge girls to reach out to a trusted adult—the other parent, a pastor or pastor’s wife, a Sunday school teacher, or Christian counselor. Meanwhile we can pray for their safety and emotional well-being, and we can offer a listening ear as they pour out the cries of their hearts.

  When safety isn’t an issue and communication is broken, we share what we know about healing the rift. Again, we’re certainly not experts in family counseling, but we’ve grown up in a family that strives to make good, honest communication a top priority, and we’re glad to share some things we’ve learned over the years if it can be of help.

  An opportunity to do that came not too long ago when one of my (Jill’s) friends called me with the devastating news that her dad was leaving the family, and her parents were getting a divorce. We cried together as she sobbed out her heartache. She has given me permission to share her story in hopes that it can benefit others in similar situations.