by Duggar, Jill
As one of the older children in her family, she felt a huge responsibility to set an example of loving encouragement for her younger siblings, but that seemed impossible when she was battling so many emotions herself. When she tried to talk with her dad about his leaving and tell him how hurt she and her siblings were, the conversation ended with both of them exploding in anger. She and her dad both said things they probably wished they hadn’t said.
As days turned into weeks and then months, we continued to talk frequently, but it didn’t seem that her relationship with her dad could ever be reconciled. Each time we talked, I told her I would be praying for her—and particularly for her relationship with her father. But it seemed that she and her dad were growing further apart.
When the divorce was finalized, it included mandatory visitation for the dad with all the children. But because of the strained relationship between my friend and her father, he said he wouldn’t force her to come. “It’s up to you,” he told her.
Maybe her dad meant well by not forcing her, but his words hurt her deeply. By leaving it up to her, her dad seemed to be saying he didn’t care about his daughter—at least that’s how it felt to her.
On the outside, my friend seemed tough and acted like it didn’t hurt, but on the inside she was heartbroken, and often when we talked by phone, the tears came pouring out. Despite the pain, she knew her relationship with her father was important. And she knew in her heart that her dad felt the same way. They just didn’t seem to know how to get past all the hurt.
Then, out of the blue, months after their big blowup when he left the family, the girl’s dad invited her and her siblings to go to a ball game with him. But again, he let her know she didn’t have to go if she didn’t want to.
My friend and I talked about her dad’s invitation, and she acknowledged that it meant her dad was still trying to have a relationship with her. He hadn’t given up, even though it seemed like he didn’t care.
The girl decided to go, even though her heart was still full of so much pain and bitterness toward her dad that she was afraid it would come rushing out and damage their relationship even more. But the truth was, she missed her dad and longed to spend time doing fun things with him the way they’d done before the divorce.
When she asked for my advice on how to handle this situation with her dad, I told her I didn’t know what it was like to be in a family split by divorce, but I know the feeling of wanting to have healthy family relationships.
I encouraged the girl to honor her dad because, despite her hurt feelings, he is still her father. Everyone wants to be respected, but it’s especially important for fathers. I suggested that to begin improving their relationship, the first thing she needed to work on was being positive. If she felt like she was going to say something critical or negative, I advised her that it would be better, at least for now, to choose not to say anything. Along with this goal, I encouraged her to pray for her dad and ask God to help him have more patience and kindness and to pray that he would be “slow to anger,” a phrase that occurs several times in the Bible describing a characteristic of God.
The Bible teaches that whenever we encounter those who are troubled by harmful character qualities—things like anger, dishonesty, impatience, vanity—we should pray that God will help them to develop the opposite quality—things like a peaceful demeanor, truthfulness, patience, and humility. I shared these suggestions with the girl, and we prayed together that God would help her dad replace his negative character qualities with positive ones. We also asked God to do the same thing for the girl, replacing her anger with respect and courtesy.
So they went to the ball game, and she called me afterward, excitedly describing the outing with her dad. Things had been a little strained at first, she said, but the afternoon had passed peacefully, and there had even been moments of fun and laughter. She felt they’d taken a solid step toward restoring their relationship.
I suggested that a good next step would be for her to find something she could praise her dad for or thank him for. The next time they were together, she thanked him for reaching out to her, and she told him, “I like it when you call to talk to me.”
Our travel schedule makes it hard to have pets, so we’re grateful to neighbors who share their friendly animals, and as you can see from the smile on Jana’s face here, we did enjoy having a horse named Samson several years ago.
As she has kept her focus on honoring her father and looking for ways to be positive and praise him, their communication has gotten better. And although the situation is still challenging, by demonstrating an attitude of love and respect she’s helping their relationship improve.
If you’re going through a tough time and your relationship with one or both of your parents is strained, we hope you’ll ask God to give you the wisdom and the courage to do your part in making a difference. Show love and respect. Look for opportunities to express gratefulness for the sacrifices they make as parents, and avoid being critical. Pray that God will replace the negative character qualities in both you and your parent with the opposite character traits and then watch for times when you can put those qualities to work.
CRUCIAL COMMUNICATION
LOVE AND RESPECT ARE important in our family—and in every family. But those qualities don’t always come about automatically. When you see the Duggar family on television happily having adventures at home and around the country, it may seem like we never have disagreements or that we kids never get upset with each other or with Mom or Dad. But we’re human. Sometimes siblings irritate us! We get our feelings hurt! We get disappointed when things don’t turn out the way we expected them to.
When those situations occur, our parents have shown us by their own example ways to resolve them so that our relationships with each other aren’t damaged. We’ll talk more about how we resolve disputes with our siblings in the next chapter. In this section we want to share the ways we relate to our parents. For Duggar kids, that begins with how we talk to and with Mom and Dad.
Like most families, our parents desire that their relationship with us is one of love and mutual respect. Mom and Dad have also emphasized that they are there for us whenever we’re going through a tough time and need someone to share our heart with. They’ve made it clear that we can always come to them and tell them anything and they’ll be there to listen and, if need be, to give us counsel. They understand that sometimes girls just need to talk to someone but don’t necessarily want a five-step solution to fix everything! Many times we just want someone to listen to what’s going on in our lives.
We are reminded that the book of Proverbs is full of parents saying to their children, in various ways, “My son, my daughter, give me your heart. Hear my counsel. Listen to my instruction.” In communicating with our parents about the challenges and struggles we are facing, we have found that they walked through similar experiences in their own youth, and they can share personal stories, encouragement, and advice on how to get through these difficult times.
I (Jinger) went through a couple of difficult stages when talking with Mom and Dad was both challenging—and healing. The first was when I was about five years old and we were living in a rented house near Little Rock while Dad was serving in the legislature there. One evening while Dad was driving the hour-long commute home from work, a tornado warning was issued for our area. Mom and Grandma nestled all of us kids into the bathtub, and we huddled there, praying and singing hymns as the tornado roared by a neighborhood not too far from ours.
For a long time after that I was fearful of death and of storms. There were many, many nights when I would wake up Mom and Dad in the middle of the night, worrying that another storm would come and kill us all. Or kill me. Or kill them and leave us kids to fend for ourselves.
When Dad asked if the girls would like to experience what it’s like to go turkey hunting, Jinger took him up on the invitation.
Our parents have always encouraged us to come to them anytime, day or night, when we�
�re frightened or having troubling thoughts. (Daddy says some nights they have a full and overflowing room full of Duggars!)
When I would go to my parents with my fears, they would snuggle me into their arms and reassure me. They would encourage me to look to God by quoting the words of David from the Psalms: “What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee” (Psalms 56:3). Then they would pray with me and remind me of other Bible verses that promise God’s love and care for us, such as God’s promise “I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee” (Hebrews 13:5). Eventually I would go back to bed and sleep soundly.
Now when I meet a little girl who’s afraid of storms, I tell her I used to be afraid, too, and I’d run to my parents’ bedroom just as she’s probably doing when the thunder rolls and the lightning crackles. And I tell her what my parents encouraged me to do every time I felt afraid: they would suggest that I focus on those reassuring Bible verses I’d memorized (such as Psalm 23) and that I shift my focus away from myself and my fears by praying for someone else who might be going through a scary or difficult time.
I grew out of my fear of storms just in time to hit another difficult bump in the road. It came when I was turning thirteen and entering the tough stage so many girls endure somewhere between twelve and sixteen. You’re no longer a little girl, but you’re not quite a woman. The hormones kick in. You suddenly notice boys. Confusing thoughts are zipping through your mind and sometimes lies fill your head, telling you things like “I’m ugly” or “I’m never gonna get a guy.”
The lies in your head can seem random and constant, making you think you have to look a certain way or act a certain way. Self-acceptance becomes a major issue. You want to change your looks, your friends, your personality, everything. You want desperately to appear like a super-cool teenager, but at the same time, you may feel yourself inwardly spiraling downward into an endless well of self-doubt.
When I was in this stage, I went to my parents many a night, or I would confide in Mom during the day, sharing my worries or doubts about myself.
My parents responded with unwavering love and encouragement. Dad would say, “Jinger, as long as you keep talking, you will be okay! You’ll get through this. It’s a season of your life, and things will get easier as you grow in your relationship with God.”
Mom reminded me that when Jesus was tempted, He quoted Scripture. She wrote out verses for me to memorize from Romans 6 and other passages so that when the doubts or fears would sneak in, I could push them aside with assurances and truths from God’s Word. As a family, we also memorized Ephesians 6:10–20 because it talks about the armor and weapons that we as Christians have to use against the attacks of Satan.
Mom also encouraged me to choose a “prayer target” and suggested that anytime I was tempted by negative thoughts or by worries and fears I could use that as a springboard to pray for someone I knew who needed God’s salvation or just needed to draw closer to Him. She gave me a great mental exercise: every time the devil tries to tempt you to be fearful, to believe lies about yourself, or to get consumed with boy thoughts, take the focus off yourself by quoting God’s Word and praying for someone else. Satan definitely doesn’t want you praying, so eventually he’ll back off!
Like Dad, Mom also assured me that this stage would soon pass. One day, when I was in the throes of self-doubt and tempted to let worrisome thoughts fill my mind, Mom asked me if it would be okay if she asked Jana to talk with me. I agreed. Jana opened up and shared about how during her teenage years she had experienced many of the same struggles, and as she applied these same principles to her life she was able to slowly get out of this same emotional rut. She said this emotional roller coaster affects a lot of teenage girls, but as you seek the Lord and grow in your relationship with Him you will be strengthened, and these trials will slowly fade away.
Mom knew that her and Dad’s reassurance was helpful, but to hear it from an older sister who had been in the same stage not too long ago was even more powerful. Proverbs 19:20 tells us to “hear counsel, and receive instruction, that thou mayest be wise.” I listened to Mom’s and Jana’s counsel, and the troubling thoughts soon lessened.
HEART-TO-HEART TALKS
MOM AND DAD DON’T just say, “You can talk to us anytime,” and leave it at that. In addition to daily striving to keep up with our hearts, they also set aside time—usually on one Saturday a month—specifically for heart-to-heart family time. It’s a dedicated time when each of us kids, one after another, spends time with them talking one-on-one, typically either in their bedroom or in the room we call our prayer closet. Sometimes we talk with Mom, sometimes with Dad, or sometimes with both together. Often to help get the conversation going, they’ll ask us questions.
They’ve let us know that they are a “safe place” to share things and that we can tell them anything, no matter how hard it may be for them to hear.
So far, if they’ve been shocked by something we’ve said, they haven’t shown it. And we know they will keep our issues private unless we agree that they can share them with a sibling, like Mom did when Jinger needed encouragement from Jana. As Dad says, they’re not going to announce our worries or misdeeds as public prayer requests next Sunday at church!
Since our parents have a twenty-four-hour open-door policy, we sometimes come in at midnight, even 2 A.M., just to talk or share our heart. (If we come in too late, things can get a bit entertaining. Dad sometimes finds it hard to stay awake. It’s not a matter of interest. But after all, it is 2 A.M., and even the Duggars are usually asleep by then. That’s when Mom might give him a gentle nudge and say, “Jim Bob, wake up. We’re still talking here!”)
At the beginning of a heart-to-heart talk, Mom and Dad might start by asking, “How are you doing?”
Often we respond with a simple “Okay.”
And of course, most parents can discern whether that means “good” or “not so good.”
From time to time, they might ask other simple questions—about our favorite food, restaurant, candy, coffee, ice cream, board game, color, music, clothes, and more. These questions aren’t just meant as icebreaker chitchat. Mom takes notes! She may have nineteen kids, but she wants to know every one of us in detail.
Inevitably, depending on the age of the child, the questions vary from “Have you been kind to your siblings when playing?” for younger kids, into “How’s your thought life going?” for an older one.
Then, depending on which child they’re talking with, they might pick a couple of different questions from this list to ask during talk time:
1. Who’s your best friend? What qualities do you admire in him or her? Does this friendship tend to build you up or pull you down?
2. What do you want to do with your life? Whom do you want to be like? What skills do you want to develop? Do you wonder what God’s will is for your life?
3. What books are you reading? What interests you in that book and how has it influenced you? Have you ever thought about writing a book? What topic would you write about? (You might have guessed our answer to these last questions!)
4. What things in our family discourage you? (Clutter? Conflicts with siblings? Lack of space? Rules? When others get into your stuff?)
5. What changes would you like to see in us (Mom and Dad)? (More time spent with the family? Greater spiritual leadership?)
6. What projects are you working on now? Who or what are you praying for? (Career training? Mentoring others?)
7. What things about yourself or your past would you like to change?
8. If you could ask God any question, what would you ask Him?
9. What things can I pray about for you?
These questions have changed over time, and of course the questions they ask depend on the age of the child having the heart-to-heart talk. Growing up with this kind of communication builds trust, and we feel the freedom to share our deepest thoughts, hopes, fears, and failures with our parents.
WHOSE RESPONSIBILITY IS IT?
WE KNOW THAT
THIS family tradition of ours is pretty unusual. Maybe in your family, there’s no way parents and kids can spend a whole day talking one-on-one. And actually, having a set day for family talk time may be the ideal, but it’s not our parents’ primary goal. Their priority is that we maintain open communication at all times.
Maybe you’d like to have this kind of open relationship with your parents, but you feel awkward suggesting it or just don’t know how to make it happen. And even if your parents do set aside time for heart-to-heart talks with you, we know you may not find it easy to respond.
That’s what happened when I (Jessa) was about thirteen. About that time, I started thinking, If my parents really cared about me, they would be able to see that something is troubling me, and they’d help me work through it.
But as much as I knew Mom and Dad loved me, and as hard as they tried to let me know they were there for me, they didn’t ask the “ideal question” (whatever that was!) that would have opened the floodgates.
Ever been there? Thinking your parents just don’t understand you? When that happens, it’s easy for walls of bitterness and hurt to rise up as you sink deeper into your self-absorbed thinking and start believing your parents just aren’t there for you when you need them most.
The truth is, they’re probably much more “there” for you than you realize. But you may be stuck in a mind-set that makes you think it’s their responsibility to figure out what’s going on with you—when, most likely, you can’t even figure it out yourself!
Our parents, Michelle and Jim Bob, value their relationship with Jesus as their top priority. Second to that comes their relationship with each other and with their family.