by Duggar, Jill
3. Pre-Courtship
Another difference between dating and courtship is that dating may or may not have marriage as its goal. Often it’s just for fun, and for many young people, dating and physical intimacy go hand in hand. Modern-day dating tends to revolve around a self-centered relationship that is all about me: what makes me feel good and who makes me happy, satisfied, and “complete”—if only for a few moments. You may feel good or wanted for a little while, but pursuing these kinds of careless relationships will leave you feeling emotionally and spiritually empty in the end.
In contrast, we believe that the better alternative to casual dating is a pre-courtship (no-commitment) time period. In pre-courtship, if a guy and gal thinks they have some interest in each other, they can get to know each other in a group setting through activities before courtship is ever considered.
4. Official Courtship
Once they get to know each other and the guy and girl and both sets of parents are agreed that this appears to be God’s will, the couple can move into an official courtship, which is a commitment period and a time for the guy to begin winning the girl’s heart, with a potential end goal of a short engagement to plan a wedding, then marriage.
Courtship is a serious commitment and should only be carried out by those for whom marriage is a realistic possibility. Much care needs to go into making sure that this is the man you desire to spend the rest of your life with.
5. A Time of Observation
We’re often asked, “So when are one of you Duggar girls going to get married?”
So far, none of us has felt that it is God’s will or God’s timing to get married. We know that when Mr. Right comes along we will have a peace in our heart, and God will confirm it with our parents. Until then, we’re content in this phase of life, and we’re striving to live every single day for the Lord.
Dad has cautioned us girls not to give a hesitant yes to the first guy who comes along, out of fear that we may never get another guy. At the same time, we know we shouldn’t turn a guy away just because we have our sights set on someone else. Dad has encouraged us to not only evaluate a man’s character but also compare his personality type with ours and consider other things to see if we would truly be compatible.
So, in the meantime, we girls see this time not as a time to eagerly search for that perfect soul mate—but as a time to observe the characteristics in the young men we interact with.
It’s natural for every girl and boy, somewhere around the age of twelve, to begin noticing each other as more than just childhood playmates and start thinking more along the lines of searching for their future soul mate.
If a girl isn’t careful, she can gain an emotional attachment to a guy prematurely during this phase, and before either of them is ready for marriage, she will already be dreaming of his last name with her first, and what a cute couple they would make, and engagement rings, and wedding colors, and on and on.
So instead of getting wrapped up in the search, we want to share some of the things we’ve been taught to observe.
You can learn so much about a guy through simply observing his interactions with others—whether he respects his parents, how he treats his siblings, who his close friends are. And by observing his personal conduct—how he chooses to spend his time, what things he esteems, what things he laughs at, how he takes losses, if he is setting worthwhile goals or is just aimlessly wandering through life.
We can also learn a lot about a guy through wholesome communication and group interaction. Not on the flirtatious junior high level that shouts I like you but through meaningful conversations about history, politics, theology, and such. When we approach our friendships with guys on a less personal, more businesslike level, we’re able to spot things we would totally miss if we had already drowned out our reasoning in a sea of emotional attachment.
IDENTIFYING CHARACTER QUALITIES WE HOPE FOR IN A FUTURE HUSBAND
WE’RE NOT SAYING THE goal is to find a perfect person. As far as we know, no such person exists. We all make mistakes and need God’s forgiveness, and so will the young man God brings to you. On the other hand, it’s unlikely that an angry, self-centered man who is lazy and a poor money manager will suddenly evolve into Husband and Dad of the Century.
We’re also not saying he has to be the best-looking hunk of human flesh ever created. Sure, we all look at outward appearances and at first may be attracted to an individual based on his looks. But God urges us to see what He sees: the condition of the heart. Galatians 5:22 gives a great list of qualities to look for in a potential spouse. If a guy you are considering is not growing in peace, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control, he’s just not a good marriage prospect, no matter how handsome or successful he seems! Remember, you’re considering not only what kind of husband you will have but also what kind of father your children will have.
A Godly Man, like Our Dad
What all of us Duggar girls hope for is a husband like our dad. (But we know that’s asking a lot!) Dad has demonstrated a selfless attitude over the years and has given of himself in so many ways, modeling to us the heart of a true servant, and that’s certainly something we would desire in a future husband.
At one time during their early married years, Dad worked multiple jobs to keep things afloat and to maintain his and Mom’s resolve that she would stay home with us kids. And even at the end of a long workday, he has always made time to play with his kids, no matter how tired or exhausted he may be.
He especially loves to do little extras for Mom and even us girls. On occasion he has taken us out for special father-daughter dates, and often when he’s getting something like flowers or a coffee for Mom, he’ll get something for us, too. Plus, while Dad makes the boys save up and buy a car of their own, it has been his goal to provide his girls with vehicles to drive, just as an extra expression of a dad’s love and care for his girls.
Dad would be the first to tell you that God has “grown him” a lot over the years. Growing up, Dad didn’t have much of a father figure himself. But when he was about ten years old, he was reading through the book of James and came across the verse that says, “If any man lack wisdom, let him ask of God, which giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not, and it shall be given him.”
Dad stopped right then and asked God for wisdom. He desired to be a spiritual leader for his own family one day. God heard his prayer and gave him wisdom and guidance. When he and Mom were married at a young age, God guided him through His Word, the Bible, and also allowed him to learn through the good examples of some other men at church.
Dad and Jessa enjoy a special treat together.
Today, Dad is not a perfect man, but he is a humble man, and he’s not afraid to admit his mistakes and ask forgiveness if he messes up. Dad is a man of character. He treats Mom with love and respect, he provides for our family, and he supports Mom fully in running our home. He praises her efforts, and he never belittles her, makes fun of her, or uses her as a negative example for anything.
He also makes his family a priority. Dad doesn’t own a bass boat, doesn’t take weeklong hunting trips with his buddies, doesn’t spend Saturday mornings on the golf course with his men friends. He says his children are his hobby, and he obviously loves being with us. He is our family’s spiritual leader—and also its number-one cheerleader. We just hope our children are as blessed by their father as we are by ours!
That would mean we desire the man we marry to be honest, hardworking, generous, and ministry-focused. It doesn’t mean we have our hearts set on marrying a pastor. A man doesn’t have to be a pastor to be in full-time ministry, because as Christians, we are to be a light wherever God places us. In our eyes, there is no difference between full-time ministry and being a Christian mechanic or a Christian doctor or a Christian politician. We need more men who are willing to proclaim Christ in the workplace and realize that there is no such thing as an off-duty Christian. We just pray that, whatever work ou
r future husband does, he uses it as a ministry for God.
A Gentle Spirit
We’ve already mentioned anger as a red flag to avoid at all costs. But it’s such a destructive character flaw that we want to talk about it a little more before we move on. Our goal is to find a man who has a gentle, kind spirit—not one who regularly loses his temper and spews out anger. I (Jana) mentioned in an earlier chapter how sad it was for me to hear girl after girl during Journey to the Heart retreats say that her dad’s anger had caused what seemed to be irreparable harm and hurt within her family.
The truth is that all of us must learn to deal with our own emotions and feelings when something doesn’t go the way we hoped. The Bible says we should all strive to be “swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath” (James 1:19). Often, the way a person responds to a situation is even worse than the situation itself. We recall an incident that happened years ago, ironically during fellowship time after church. Every week, it is our custom to share a meal together after the service and spend time, sometimes several hours, talking and sharing fellowship with other families in the church.
During the fellowship time one hot Sunday afternoon, Jill thought it would be fun for all the kids to have a water balloon fight. She made sure Dad was okay with the plan and then recruited younger brother James and a couple other siblings to help her fill several dozen balloons with water.
Finally they carried the buckets of balloons outside, and soon the water bombs began to fly. The kids had a great time: lots of shrieks and running and throwing with water splattering in all directions.
When a dad of a visiting family heard the noise and saw his children were getting wet, he came outside and exploded in rage, “Who said you could do that?”
Everyone froze as he continued to shout in anger.
Even though she was a rather confident sixteen-year-old at the time, Jill hid. His boiling anger frightened her. It frightened all the kids.
She later apologized to the family, and so did Dad, but the angry outburst made an impression.
Another memorable incident came about while we were on an outing to enjoy one of the Duggars’ favorite sports: broomball. It’s an offshoot of ice hockey but is played in tennis shoes instead of skates, and the goal is to get a ball into the net with something similar to a hockey stick. That means those lacking traditional hockey skills are welcome to play.
For several years we used to play broomball as a family at the local ice rink, which sets aside certain times for the game. Those sessions taught us that sports can reveal a lot about a person’s character, including his or her temper. Being competitive is great, but many times we saw fits of anger from some of those competing. One night a young man, furious after losing, threw his broomball stick, smashing it against the wall so that pieces flew in all directions. And the stick wasn’t even his!
We want to know right from the beginning if the young man we’re interested in has a problem controlling his temper because if he does, that’s something he needs to seriously work on before he even thinks of setting his sights on marriage.
Just as it’s helpful to us to see how a guy reacts when one of our young siblings spills a cup of chocolate milk on his new shirt, it’s also helpful to see how he responds in other situations, including sports. Is he angry or gracious in defeat? Does he fume for hours or congratulate the winner, put the loss behind him, and move on? Equally important is how he handles winning. Does he gloat and boast? Or does he shake hands with his opponent and offer encouragement?
Questions like these are more reasons why we believe in family visits and a variety of family activities during courtship rather than one-on-one dates. Don’t get us wrong. There’s a time and place for a romantic dinner date, and some good communication can be enjoyed in that setting. But a man’s character may be more apparent by observing him in everyday situations and interactions.
Chivalry
It warms our hearts when we’re around young men, including our brothers, who are courteous and quick to practice the fine old art of gentlemanly chivalry. Some women these days think that allowing men to help them with anything makes them appear weak, and they refuse to take a man’s hand to help them down a step or object to a man’s offer to help them carry a heavy load. However, a gentleman’s courtesy is not about women being weak or strong; it’s about men needing to be men. Gentlemanly behavior is cultivated as they learn to serve others and treat ladies as ladies. We encourage these efforts in our family—one reason being we know that somewhere out there, some good Christian girls are praying for the young man God intends as their future husband: a godly, courteous, thoughtful young man who might just turn out to be one of our brothers!
Every day, Dad seeks to model genuine chivalry for all of us. To the boys, it’s an example of what they desire to become, and to us girls it’s the mark of a gentleman and something we desire to see in our own spouse one day. Dad has always been sensitive and caring toward us kids, but he especially looks out for his girls. He made it known early on that the boys were to treat us girls with respect, and while we all enjoyed climbing trees or playing sports together, Dad would remind the boys we were not the chums who should receive a hard knuckle on the shoulder or a serious whack over the head during a friendly sibling pillow fight.
In all our travels, Dad especially looks out for his girls—making sure we are taken care of. Here we are in Nashville at the home of the Grand Ole Opry.
Dad always wants to demonstrate this kind of gentlemanly behavior for all of us, especially the boys, but sometimes he forgets. He asked us to help him with reminders when needed. Years ago, he was working on honoring Mom in several specific ways, including remembering to open the car door for her. He had always done this during the earlier years of marriage, but recently, since we’d outgrown our fifteen-passenger van and had to transport everyone in two separate cars, it hadn’t been happening as frequently.
Mom agreed to help him remember to do this by waiting and giving him the opportunity to come around to her side of the car. One afternoon they headed to the local paint store to pick out paint for one of our rental houses, and just as Dad got out of the car he got a phone call. Distracted by the call, he proceeded on toward the store and was almost to the door, continuing his phone call, when Mom, still waiting in the car, leaned over and gently tapped the horn.
Dad turned around, puzzled, and spotted Mom, laughing and waving from the front seat of the car. Dad realized he had forgotten to open the car door for her and came running to get her. We kids laughed so hard that night as they recounted the entire event to us.
Apparently the horn-honking worked. Now Dad almost never forgets to the open the car door for Mom or any of us girls—but these days our brothers often beat him to it! They are all striving to become courteous and thoughtful young men. When we were all at a restaurant recently, it was pouring down rain and Jedidiah jumped on his opportunity. He grabbed the only umbrella in the bus and, in groups of two, began escorting his mom and sisters inside. We didn’t take this for granted. We praised his efforts and told him, “Jedidiah, you’re such a gentleman. Thank you,” and he beamed at the compliment.
The other day when we were all outside enjoying a vigorous game of volleyball, Justin disappeared inside and then came out carefully carrying a tray loaded with cups of ice water. “Care for a glass of water, ladies?” It sure hit the spot, and we thanked Justin profusely for his thoughtfulness.
James must have been listening, because a few days later, he did the same thing, bringing everyone water when we were all outside on a hot summer day.
Members of the TLC film crew, who have become like older brothers to us, have also encouraged us to marry a gentleman. When producer Sean took us girls to coffee awhile ago, he opened the door for us and said, “Chivalry isn’t dead! Let me tell you something, gals: don’t even consider marrying a guy who won’t open the door for you.”
Now, if you came to the Duggar household today, you would probably find som
e elbows on the dinner table and maybe even a boy who forgot to wash the dirt from behind his ears. But the goal in our household is for guys to treat gals with the upmost respect and honor by giving up their chair, opening doors, and looking for ways to put women and children first. Respect means a lot in our family, and courtesy counts.
Making a List
As we older Duggar girls (and boys) have entered this chapter of our lives, Dad has encouraged us to write out a list of things we desire in a future spouse. And no, this isn’t a place to write down wishes for “tall, dark, and handsome,” but to focus on character, personal standards, and other qualities. We already mentioned that some of the nonnegotiables are that he must be a Christian, and he must love Jesus as much as we do. He should have a love for children because the Bible says repeatedly that children are a blessing from God, a reward from Him.
In addition to being “slow to wrath,” he needs to be a good steward of his money with a goal of living debt-free within his finances. And then there are the other character qualities we desire in a spouse, including gentleness, deference, and gratefulness.
While this list serves as a guide in our evaluation of a suitor, the reason for writing it up is not so that we can constantly be comparing it to every guy we meet, hoping the “glass slipper” will fit and he’ll be our Prince-to-be! Dad has encouraged us to write out these lists so we can turn them around and use them to examine our own lives, asking ourselves, Am I slow to anger? Am I wise with my finances? Am I striving to display these character qualities in my own life? Everything we ask of others we must first demand of ourselves.
It has been interesting to see that the things that bug us the most about others’ lives are often issues we struggle with ourselves to some degree. For instance, if we are extremely sensitive to someone else’s arrogance, we should search our own hearts for an attitude of pride, whether it is in our achievements or in our voicing our strong opinions when it’s not our place to do so.