by Duggar, Jill
The eyes of the Lord are in every place, beholding the evil and the good.
—Proverbs 15:3
IN THE PRECEDING CHAPTERS, we’ve talked about our relationships with people—with ourselves, our parents, our siblings, our friends, and with guys. In the next three chapters, we’ll talk about our relationship with our culture, our country, and the world. We’ll start off with our relationship with culture and how our family chooses our movies and music, and also how we have chosen to use one of the greatest inventions in modern history, the Internet.
THE INTERNET
WITH JUST A FEW clicks of a keyboard, the Internet gives us the ability to research any subject. But it also has the potential to destroy the souls of those who get entangled in its dark side. Mom reminds us that it is not a matter of if but when Satan will try to tempt us to read or look at something we shouldn’t. So, as a family, we have taken some precautionary measures to help us avoid the traps and snares of the enemy.
Accountability
Internet access on our computers and smartphones is controlled by passwords that Mom and we older girls are responsible for. Whenever access is given to the Internet, we keep it in an open area, usually with at least one other person present for accountability. That family guideline was put in place many years ago to protect our family members from accidentally (or even intentionally) browsing to harmful sites that might include pornography or other things that could be detrimental.
Self-Control
Self-control is just as important—if not more so—than being accountable to someone else. When you’re in a situation where you think you’re alone and no one else would ever know, if you have godly self-control, you will still choose to do what is right.
Our family rule is that anyone accessing the open Internet needs to have Mom or an older sister type in the password, and then computers are kept in prominent places where they are easily visible to all.
So ask yourself: would your Internet choices be the same when you were all alone as they would be when someone were sitting beside you? Luke 12:2 says, “For there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; neither hid, that shall not be known.” Dad always reminds us, “When our lives are over and we stand before God, we will have to give an account for everything we did during our lives. And the things we think we’re doing in secret will one day be projected up on the big screen for the whole world to see.” It’s vital to remember that God is always watching. As the Bible tells us, “The eyes of the Lord are in every place, beholding the evil and the good” (Proverbs 15:3).
In reality, we are nothing more than who we are and what we do when we think no one else is watching. That is the real us.
Choices About Time
Many people ask us about our family’s take on social media. The TLC network has set up a Facebook account for 19 Kids and Counting that is used to notify viewers of things related to our family’s show, but other than that, at this point we have chosen not to do personal social networking such as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc. (But there are plenty of fake accounts out there under all of our names!) While there is nothing inherently wrong with social networking and it is possible for these things to be used as a tool for ministry, they can often be big time-wasters as people become glued to their electronic world.
Time is one of the greatest resources God gives us, and we should all strive to be good caretakers of it. How often do we sit down at the computer or pull out our smartphone with the thought that we will be on it for just a few minutes? And before we know it, we’ve spent an hour or two instead—often causing us to neglect other things we needed to accomplish during that time. In Ephesians 5, Paul reminds us, “See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise, redeeming the time, because the days are evil.” To redeem the time really means to be a good steward and make the highest and best use of our time. We should be careful to evaluate and consider the time we devote to these things so that it doesn’t get out of hand.
Online Flirtations
We realize that social networking can sometimes become an avenue to begin communicating with people we normally would not be in touch with. But we should always be aware of our actions in this regard. Personally, we are very careful not to text, e-mail, or communicate over the Internet with guys on a personal, intimate level. Instead it is wise to keep these interactions businesslike.
Sometimes even just the thought of a guy texting you or chatting with you through the Internet world can make you think, Maybe he likes me! But remember, when a young man who has no commitment or obligation to you is flirting with you through texting or the like, it’s probable that he is also flirting with many other girls in the same way—and even at the same time. We’ve seen this time and again. A girl in this situation should ask herself, Is this really the kind of guy I want?
While the Internet can be a useful source of information, it can also be a danger. Mom has made it a point to teach us about Christ-like character qualities such as self-control, often from the IBLP Wisdom Booklets.
Girls who marry this type of guy soon realize that a guy with a flirtatious mind-set cannot suddenly, upon marriage, break his old patterns and habits. Unfortunately, a guy like this cannot safely be trusted, and his flirtations will continue to cause problems and insecurities long into a marriage. If you desire a guy whose heart is fully committed to you, guard your heart against counterfeit love so you can fully give it to Mr. Right at the right time in the right way. (More about relationships with boys in chapter 5.)
Harmful Gossip
One other big issue we’ve witnessed in the social media world is that some people get hooked on reading gossip and then post their own slanderous statements about others, whom they sometimes don’t even know. Or they post something they would never say to that person face-to-face. It comes across as though those posters have nothing better to do with their time.
We’ve heard that some discussion boards or chat rooms might be better named bitter rooms because those drawn to them often seem rather bitter. Possibly they’re harboring resentment for circumstances or hurts in their own lives. And since bitter people seem to gravitate toward other bitter people, these sites seem to be the place to hang out. Misery loves company. Unfortunately, some people seem to derive much pleasure from nit-picking other people’s lives.
In the Bible, a gossiper is called a talebearer, and we’re told, “A talebearer revealeth secrets; but he that is of a faithful spirit concealeth the matter” (Proverbs 11:13). Mom taught us the definition of the word gossip as “sharing private information with those who are not a part of the problem or a part of the solution.” And we also learned that slander is “sharing information with a design to hurt.” Both gossip and slander are wrong in God’s eyes.
Frequently, people involved in online gossip don’t know or understand what is going on in a situation, but they are quick to publicly take up offenses or offer judgment or opinion about someone based on what they hear or read. And often, the source of information is not reliable and may be slanted or even altogether false.
Dad has told us that people who put others down often feel they are elevating themselves with an attitude of “I would never do what so-and-so did!” They hope others will think more highly of them, but often the opposite happens. People become uncomfortable and begin to wonder, What do they say about me behind my back? In the end, put-downs may only serve to turn people away.
Mom reminds us often of the words of Thumper’s mother in the story of Bambi: “If you can’t say somethin’ nice, then don’t say nothin’ at all.”
With all this said, we have committed to use the Internet so far as it serves as a tool for good, but we are careful to keep safeguards in place so it doesn’t consume our lives. It is important for each of us to pray and ask God not only, “What things would You have me add into my life?” but also, “What things would You have me leave out?” And then we follow where He leads.
MOVIES
GOD CON
VICTED MOM AND Dad back in the early days of their marriage not to have broadcast television in the home. Before our parents were married they went through marriage counseling, and the Christian counselor challenged them to make two commitments: the first was not to have a pet for the first year of marriage and the second was not to have a TV for the first year of marriage. They agreed to both, and for the first year of marriage, they say they were living on love.
Right around their first anniversary, someone gave them a TV, and they decided to get cable service hooked up. Over the next few weeks as they sat there, glued to the tube, they began to notice that their verbal communication as a couple had greatly dropped off. And not only that, but they couldn’t believe how bad television had gotten in just one year (and this was back in 1985)! They decided they were going to get rid of cable, and we would all say that is one of the best things they have done for our family.
Growing up, we had a small TV and video player in the home, but it was not placed in the center of our living room as a constant call to come, sit down, and be amused and entertained. As the saying goes, out of sight, out of mind. We stored it in a closet and pulled it out on certain occasions. Now we have a video projector and pull-down projector screen mounted from our living room ceiling but still use it sparingly. Bookshelves have been placed in prime locations as an encouragement for us to read, and they are filled with the adventures of missionary stories, history from all eras, and biographies of great men and women.
Creativity vs. Entertainment
Our parents have worked hard to encourage creative mind-sets in us kids, inspiring us to build, grow, and create, rather than having entertainment mind-sets that always need to be watching movies or playing video games. And through their encouragement, we’ve found the makings of many talented artists, gardeners, inventors, and musicians among us. For example, by age twelve, Jason had successfully experimented with several different types of gardening on his own, including a greenhouse. By age fourteen, Josh was taking apart old computers and rebuilding his own. By age fifteen, Jana was able to sew some quite exquisite costumes and clothing for herself and others. By age ten, John was working on and operating heavy equipment, assisting Dad in building the house we currently live in.
Dad has always told us, “Watching too much TV will dumb you down. It stifles a person’s God-given creativity.”
While our typical family night usually consists of playing sports or board games together, sharing snacks and lots of good, old-fashioned conversation, we do on occasion enjoy sitting down together as a family and watching a movie. Mom and Dad have always been careful to choose movies that embrace the values that we hold dear, and not ones that would undermine them.
The point is, Duggars do watch movies, but when we do, we are very selective. Some movies are good and wholesome except for that one part, and so we try to excuse the bad scene by pointing out the “really good scenes.” But Grandma Duggar would compare this to scrambling one rotten egg in with a dozen good eggs. It makes the whole batch bad.
We donned apparel from the biblical age to sail the Sea of Galilee while we were visiting Israel.
Dangerous Influences
When we let “little things” slide by, we become desensitized to them. This applies to any area of life, not just movies. Eventually, when we let the little things slide, the things that once bothered our conscience will no longer affect us because our conscience has been seared. If we sense this happening in our family, we may go on a “movie fast,” where we will refrain from watching movies for a month or so. We have found that after doing this, we are usually much more sensitive to the message of a film and have a renewed sense of balance.
Much of the Hollywood and pop culture media glorifies things that God considers to be wicked, and younger and younger audiences are exposed to those things as being acceptable. Movies with suggestive themes and foul language that are now “rated G for the whole family” would have gotten a stricter rating just a few years ago.
One specific thing that our parents have always been careful about is magic, which often shows up in children’s movies. As harmless as it may seem, it’s not a joke in God’s eyes. Magic, sorcery, witches, spell-casting, and the like are all part of a demonic realm that God wants us to stay away from. No matter how “good” a film containing magic may seem, God speaks seriously about this throughout the Bible; it is not something to be glorified or portrayed by any means as something fun or attractive.
Another troublesome thing in today’s films is much more subtle: bad attitudes and disrespect. We see children mouthing off to their parents and living in direct disobedience to authorities. Too often, dads are portrayed as dummies, moms as overbearing, and grandparents as old-fashioned. It is no wonder the youth culture today is the way it is. Television is being used as a babysitter and a way to keep kids occupied, but often parents don’t realize it is a teacher and that kids are like sponges, soaking up everything they are being taught. Parents say, “I don’t want you talking to me like that!” but then they turn right around and set their kids down in front of a television screen where they are being taught that this behavior is acceptable and the way to be “cool.”
Making Wise Choices
If we are in the middle of a movie and something bad comes up unexpectedly, Mom and Dad are quick to say, “That’s not good.” Sometimes we even pause the movie and discuss how we should never use God’s name carelessly like they did in the movie, or Mom or Dad will ask, “Did you see how that boy responded to his dad? That was disrespectful.” Mom and Dad use discernment as to whether or not we continue watching the film. If they did choose to continue the movie, if wrong ideas, attitudes, and behaviors were promoted, we would most likely shut it off and be done with the movie. And definitely if there were any themes of sorcery or immorality, it would be game over.
Our family loves traveling together. We had fun stopping by the Hollywood Wax Museum in Branson, Missouri, and posing for a quick family picture.
We love to watch educational documentaries that teach about science and history from a biblical perspective, and we also enjoy films such as Courageous, Fireproof, Flywheel, and Facing the Giants—all of which promote the values our family strives to uphold. From time to time we also enjoy watching many of the old classics that promote honesty, respect of parents, and reverence for God. One of our family favorites is undoubtedly Sergeant York. But even in that one, we don’t approve of the scene where he and his girlfriend kiss before they’re married.
We have enjoyed many carefully selected episodes of The Andy Griffith Show as long as they are not centered around a lot of romance or deceptiveness, as some of them are. Also it is important to realize even though a “clean” show may not have anything outright bad in it, it may contain an indirect hidden message. Ask yourself, Are the people watching this show being taught to turn to God and His principles through the story lines, or are they learning to live their lives without God’s guidance and do whatever is right in their own eyes?
Basically, we can’t give a blanket stamp of approval to anything because there will usually be at least one or two things we disagree with in any given film. However, we encourage you to personally evaluate the television and movies you watch and, as Grandma encourages us to do, ask yourself, Is this something God would be pleased with?
MUSIC
FOR CHRISTIANS, THIS AREA requires much prayerful consideration. It’s not our goal to give a specific list of all the albums we listen to, but we will share how we choose our music and mention some of our personal preferences. Growing up, our parents explained to us that if we, as Christians, accept music that promotes the very things God hates, we bring a blot to the name and character of the God we represent.
The first thing we do in deciding if a song should be played in our home is to determine the message of the lyrics. Soon after Mom became a Christian at the age of fifteen, a friend encouraged her to write out the lyrics of questionable songs and then compare them to the
truths found in the Bible. For instance, if a song’s lyrics are saying, “Follow your heart. Do what feels good,” we compare it to the Bible and find that God says, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked” (Jeremiah 17:9). So we know, based on the Bible, that we’re not supposed to follow our hearts, as that will only get us in trouble. Instead of following our hearts, we should lead our hearts; and instead of doing what “feels good,” we should make sure we are doing what God wants us to do.
Clearly, if a song’s lyrics are glorifying sensuality, immorality, disrespect, violence, suicide, or the use of drugs and alcohol, we have good reason to avoid it. These things are often spoken of or hinted at in the lines of country music, but if we were to point to one genre, it would be rock ’n’ roll and its variations such as hard rock and heavy metal. We avoid these types of music altogether. Since its beginnings in the 1950s, this music’s main goal and purpose have been to promote every one of the issues we want to avoid. A heavy backbeat and words being sung in a breathy and sensual voice—and even the style of rock ’n’ roll music itself—give off an attitude of rebellion, resistance toward authority, and a rejection of morality. None of these things come without consequences. As we have examined the lives of many of these artists, we have seen the outcome of such living. It was sad to find that on average, the life expectancy for rock artists and musicians is around forty; many of them die at a young age for reasons related to AIDS, drug or alcohol abuse, or suicides. It’s a tragic reality.