He doesn’t respond, just pulls me tighter against his shoulder.
“Sorry you had to see that. I think I’ve only had one meltdown in my entire life, and unfortunately you were here for it.”
“Well, someone has to see you at your worst, right?”
I rub my puffy eyes, smearing mascara on my hand. “Yeah. Too bad I can’t see you at yours.”
“Trust me. You don’t want to see it.”
I ignore that. “I feel horrible I ruined the rest of your day being an emotional wreck. You can tell me ‘I told you so’ if you want. I know I’m gonna hear it from my dad right when I get home.” I think about the flight home Jax booked for me for tomorrow morning. A part of me doesn’t want to go. I don’t know if I’m brave enough to face my family. They’ll be so disappointed.
And facing Maddy? I can’t even think about it right now.
“You had no idea what she was going to say. And neither did he. Don’t feel bad about this. You tried. It’s more than she’s done her entire life. You should feel good that you actually put yourself out there and asked.”
“She’s not going to help, though. My sister …” I trail off and take a slow breath. “I get to go home now and she’ll just keep getting worse. I don’t know what else I can do.”
“If I could help your sister, I would.”
“I know.” I wonder if he’s a match. There’s no way I’d ask him, though. Even if I feel like I know him better than I know Carmen. It’s not the right thing to do. Asking a stranger for a kidney? No way. There’s no way.
He shifts in his seat and clears his throat. “Can I tell you something?”
“Sure. I’m pretty sure I’ve spilled all of my secrets to you today.”
“Well, I’m about to spill the biggest one I have. I’ve never told anyone this. Not even my parents.”
A million things run through my mind. What could this secret be? It sounds serious and part of me wants to tell him to keep it to himself, but the way he looks at me puts me at a loss for words. “Okay …”
“Don’t worry. I’m not a serial killer or anything.”
“That’s a relief. You’re not some crazy stalker or drug dealer or mob boss, are you?”
He chuckles, easing the tension from the room. “Not quite.”
“Good. But for real. You kind of scared me there for a minute.”
“Sorry.” He grins and then his face falls and he’s serious again. “So … my secret.”
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”
“No, that’s just it. I need to tell someone. I need to get it out. I want you to know. You’ve basically bared your soul to me today and I want you to know at least a little more about me.” He swallows. “I’m not perfect. But I’m not a bad guy. The tabloids spread rumors and lies, but at times, some of those rumors can touch the truth a little.” He sighs. “Last year when my dad died, I … kind of lost it. I was on tour with my band, I wasn’t with my family very often, I was fighting with my friends and hating performing every night with them. I didn’t know how to deal. The pain of losing my dad was so … raw, you know?”
I nod. I don’t know the feeling of losing someone like that, but I do know the feeling of knowing my sister’s life hangs in the balance. And I can only imagine what will happen to me if I lose her.
“Anyway. I needed a way out. I was depressed. At first I went to a psychologist and talked about my problems. Which helped a little, but being on tour so much kind of makes things difficult sometimes. After that, I drank a lot. Drinking dulls the pain. It makes you not feel. And that was just what I needed. But it wasn’t enough. So … I started taking prescription drugs. They were easy to find. All I had to do was ask around a bit. You’d never believe how many people have them. A lot of the roadies that travel with us have them. The rest of my band. It’s like a part of the life, I guess. Hollywood life. You’ve seen how many famous people overdose. It’s like candy there.”
I stare at him. “What happened?”
“I snapped myself out of my screwed up life and realized I wasn’t living the dream. I wasn’t happy. I pushed everyone I loved away because all I was thinking of was the next time I could dull the pain.”
“Your addiction was pretty bad then.”
“Yeah.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. We all have choices. I just learned way too late that I made the wrong ones.”
“But you’re here. Now. Clean. At least I think?”
“I’m clean, yes, but it took a few months to get back to normal. As normal as life in Hollywood can get at least. I just wanted you to know that. My past isn’t pretty. And if we were to ever … I don’t know. Move forward in the future … I want you to know what you’d be getting yourself into.”
“You seem like you’re doing okay, from what you’ve already been through. How is your family doing with it all?”
“For a while I thought my family had given up on me. But I was so wrong. One day, when I was at a really low point, my mom called me and told me to come home. And I listened. Now before then, I didn’t listen at all, so that was weird that I actually took her advice and acted. When I made the decision to get help, she checked me into a rehab facility. I was at my lowest of lows. It was the worst time in my entire life and honestly, I thought about suicide. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a moment that was so dark you were convinced that light couldn’t possibly find a way to slip through again?”
I shake my head. “I’ve never felt that way. I’ve had horrible days and weeks. The past year has been rough with Maddy, but I’ve never been so full of despair and in so much pain that I wanted it to end. Not like that anyway. Life is …” I pause, thinking of the right word, but decide to go with the obvious. “Life is hard. Really hard. But it’s good and beautiful, with so many opportunities for happiness. The hard times suck, yeah, but the happiness and those little moments that make living worth it, that’s why I’ve never had those thoughts. I like being me. I like being here. Pain and all.”
He smiled. “I get that now. I have so much I still want to do. If I can just help one person realize their worth …”
“You could, you know.”
“I know. I swear you have your life all figured out.”
“Ha!” I don’t mean to laugh, but he has no idea. “Did you not see me the last two hours? I’ve been a basket case up in here.”
“Of course you have. Anyone would have if they had been in your situation. To be honest, I thought you handled it very well. Better than I would have. I don’t blame you for freaking out. But I’m talking about before all that happened. The reason you came to New York in the first place. Even though you knew your mom left you when you were young, you weren’t afraid to search her out and find her. You’re so brave. You need to write this story down. True and hard stories are the most powerful ones out there.”
“I don’t write, but maybe you could do that for me, since you write lyrics and all.” I smile. “As for coming to New York … I’ll admit I was terrified. Not just because of a big unknown city, but tracking someone down who didn’t want to be found was hard and really scary.”
“Yes, but you still did it. You still had the courage to do it. Just like you had the courage to jump on that plane. The courage to trust a guy you barely met.”
“Yeah, that was unexpected for sure. But I’m not that courageous. Trust me. And while I don’t regret coming here, I do regret having as much hope as I did. You put your faith in your family. Family is everything. But when your family doesn’t bat an eye when you ask for help? I don’t know what to think anymore.”
“Not all families are like that. Look at your dad. He would do anything for you and your siblings.”
“I know. I just don’t get it. I guess some people can just choose to forget their pasts completely. A coping mechanism? Because I will never, ever do what she did. Never.” My voice echoes through the hotel room and I grimace.
“I
know you won’t.”
“Sorry. Got carried away there.”
“Don’t say sorry.” He’s quiet for a moment as he grabs my hand. “So, what are you going to do now that you’re going back home?”
“I haven’t really thought about it.”
“Of course you have.”
I pause. “Well, I’ll spend most of the time with Maddy. Do everything I can for her. I was thinking about donating one of my kidneys to someone else. Maybe work to audition for a piano scholarship for next year, since I definitely want to go to college once I graduate next spring. That much I know.”
He’s shaking his head, a smile on his face. “See? You’ve got it all figured out. If one thing doesn’t work out, you’ll do something else. Me? I have no idea what I want. Where I’ll be.”
“What do you want?”
He hesitates, and when he speaks, it’s almost a whisper. “I want to be myself again. I want to make my own music. Not what someone tells me will sell. Just music that I love. And I want to stay clean.”
“And what do you have to do to get there?”
“I don’t know. Well, that’s not true. I know how to stay clean, but I don’t know what to do about my band. Or my contracts, manager, agent. There are so many things on the business side that are really tricky to figure out.”
I think about that for a second and lay my head on his shoulder. “But you love music.”
“Yes.”
“You just don’t like the spotlight?”
“You know, it isn’t the spotlight that I don’t like. I love performing. Performing live gives me a rush that nothing can compare to. It’s the baggage that comes with it. Being gone for months on a tour and living out of a suitcase. Never seeing my family. The depression that comes with not having a normal life, which leads to things that squash that down. The crazy fans that recognize me everywhere I go. The stalkers. The paparazzi. It’s just too much. If I could be behind the scenes, writing music and performing every once in a while, I’d do that.”
“Do it then.”
“I don’t think I can.”
“Why not?”
“It’s … complicated. That’s the only word that fits.”
“There’s nothing complicated about it. You want to take a different path in your life, do it.”
He stands. “It’s not that easy.”
“But it is.”
“No, it’s not.” He closes his eyes, his body tense. He lets out a long breath. “It means turning my back on my band, my manager, agent. I can’t let so many people down.”
“But look at you. Look at why you’re even sitting here with me. Why you’re in New York in the first place. You’re miserable.”
He doesn’t answer and I don’t push him. I can see I’ve struck a nerve. He shakes his head. “I’m sorry. It’s just … hard. This life, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.”
“I’ve noticed.” I give him a smile. “You’ll get through it, though. You’re strong. You know what you want. You just have to take that leap to get it.”
He sits again and squeezes my shoulder. “I don’t know what I’m going to do when you leave.” He’s quiet for a moment. “I’ve never had someone, besides my family, tell me to do what I want. You make it sound so easy.”
“It could be easy. You just have to find a way around the fine print.”
He smiles. “That’s a great way of putting it.”
“Thanks for calling the airport by the way. There’s no way they could have understood me when I was freaking out.”
He nods, not saying anything else, but yawns instead.
“You look tired.”
“I am. Didn’t sleep much last night.”
“Do you need me to take you home?”
He laughs. “That would be a no. You’d never make it out alive driving in New York. And I just use cabs. Or I can call my sister if I really need to. But cabs, I’m afraid, are safer than riding with her.”
“You’re right.” But I’m still worried about him. “You can stay here for a while. If you need to take a nap, go ahead.”
“I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”
“Look. You’ve seen me at my worst. I’m not uncomfortable and I don’t think you’re going to take advantage of me in any way. You’re a gentleman. More so than the guys that go to my high school.”
“My mom taught me right. And she would be proud to hear you say that.”
“I like her already. Why don’t you lie down for a little bit.” I move out of the way and kneel on the floor so he can get comfortable. He lays back so his head is resting on the armrest and stretches his legs out until his feet are hanging off the other end of the couch. “So … have I mentioned you’re pretty tall? Believe me, I noticed earlier, and you probably already know this, but you look like a giant on this couch with your legs hanging off.”
“Thanks. I think.”
He shoots me a smile that could seriously kill. And I realize he looks really good right now. Like … I want to make out with him good. But I’m not going to. I clear my throat to get my mind off things. “I’ll get you a blanket or something.” I start to stand, but he grabs my hand.
“I promise I’m not going to fall asleep.”
“You can if you need to.”
“Nah. This is nice to just relax for a bit.”
I sit down on the floor, my hand in his. I lean my shoulder against the couch and then we’re kind of looking right at each other. He reaches out, runs his fingers through a strand of my dark, probably super messy hair. “Your hair looks amazing when it’s down.”
“Oh?”
He kind of gets an embarrassed look on his face. “Yeah.”
“Thank you.”
He nods. “Are you dating anyone back home?”
The question kind of flies out of nowhere and catches me off guard. Of course I’m not dating anyone. I don’t have time to date people. I swallow the guilt of hanging out with Jax. Of having feelings for him. I shouldn’t be feeling this way while Maddy …
“No.” My voice is smaller than I’d like, but I can’t really do anything about that when he’s looking at me the way he is.
“Why not?”
I shrug. “No one asks anyone out anymore. People just ‘hang out.’ Boys are dumb.”
He laughs. “Yes. Yes we are.”
“No offense to you, of course.”
“Right.” He squeezes my hand. “I dated a girl for a while. Two years, I think.”
“Melanie Price?” I think of the singer that the paparazzi guy mentioned earlier today. A hot blond babe who always seemed to be busting out of her shirt. At least in the pictures I’ve seen of her.
He snorts. “That would be a no. This girl and I dated in high school. Freshman to junior year.”
“Oh.” This surprises me. “What happened?”
“I moved to L.A. And she moved on.”
“Oh. That’s … sad.”
“It’s fine. She’s happy as far as I know. Married with a kid, I think. She got married right after high school.”
I think about what it would be like to have a relationship with someone famous. I’m sure it wouldn’t work out. “I’ve always seen Hollywood guys dating Hollywood girls anyway though. It makes sense if you think about it. The singers and the actors. You know. There’s a million stories like that.”
He rolls his eyes. “I don’t date girls from Hollywood. Besides Tessa White, but that was like two weeks. We were really just friends, that’s pretty much it. But someone always has to turn it into something else. The only reason we ended up going out a few times was because our publicists wanted us to have a story in the news for a while. To shake things up or whatever. You know, hardcore rocker falls for small-town country singer.”
“Sounds … Awesome? Was it all you ever dreamed it would be and more?”
He wrinkles his nose. “Not really. I hate country.”
“Well, considering you’re a rock kind of guy, that doesn
’t surprise me at all.”
All he does is smile. He turns on his side and shivers.
He’s so close. So close I can feel his breath on my cheek. I want him to kiss me. It’s the only thing running through my cloudy head now.
Jax’s phone rings and he lets out some colorful words before checking to see who it is. “Sorry,” he says. “Sometimes I don’t think before I talk.” He glances at his phone and smiles before he sits up and answers. “Hey, Jeigh.”
I try to find something to keep me busy so I don’t listen to his conversation, but there’s nothing for me to do but sit here.
He stands and walks over to the window while he listens to whatever she’s saying. “Yeah. Okay.” Pause. “No.” Pause. “I just haven’t.” Pause. “Really?” He laughs. “That’s fine.” Pause. “No, I’m at the hotel.” He smiles at me. “Yes, with that girl. Her name’s Mia, by the way.” The smile is wider now. “I’ll tell you later.” He winks at me. “Okay. See you soon.” He hangs up. “Jeigh is in the area and invited us to dinner if you want to come with me.”
“Me?”
He looks around. “No one else is here.”
“True.” I pull myself up on the couch as he plops down next to me. “Aren’t you too tired?”
“I’m fine.”
“Okay.”
“Okay you’ll come?”
I shrug. “Sure.” It will definitely help cheer me up. And I don’t leave to go home until tomorrow anyway. Might as well do something fun on my last night in New York. Because I’ll probably never ever come back here again.
“I’ll call her real quick. Be right back.” He goes in the other room. I hear the bathroom door shut after he hangs up with her.
A few minutes later, I look up as he comes back in, hair looking better, his eyes not as tired as before. To be honest, I could stare at him all night. “You look great.”
“I look the same as I did earlier.” He grins.
Heat flushes my face. “Right.”
He sits down, puts his arm around my shoulders, and surprises me as he kisses me on the cheek. “Thank you. For everything.”
I’ll never wash my cheek again.
CHAPTER 23
Interlude Page 15