CHAPTER 25
Can you fall in love with a single glance?
Is it madness to think there could be a chance?
When I gaze in your eyes, it has to be true.
I fell hard the moment I looked at you.
—J.S.
The plane ride home is boring. I spend half the time listening to Jax’s music, even though I swore I’d never like his stuff.
But as I listen to the lyrics, I realize how much of himself he puts in his music. How many demons he’s fighting. How unhappy he is. It makes me want to run back into his arms and save him.
But I have someone else to save.
Dad’s waiting in the terminal as I ride down the escalator. He doesn’t say a word, just hugs me tight when I step off.
“Thanks for coming to meet me. Did Mom drop you off?”
He nods. “We’ll take your car home together since you left it here. I just … didn’t want you to drive home alone.”
I smile at that. He always worries about me. Always. “How’s Maddy?”
He shrugs. “I’d rather talk to you in the car. Why don’t we grab your suitcases and we’ll go straight to the hospital.”
“This is all I have.” I turn so he can see my backpack on my shoulder.
He raises an eyebrow. “You took one bag to New York? You?”
I shrug. “I was in a hurry.”
“That you were.” He takes my backpack from me and I follow him to the car. “I never thought I’d see the day.”
“Honestly, me either.”
“Where’d you get the new earbuds?”
I shrug. “A friend from school let me borrow them.”
“Huh.”
Dad’s quiet on the way home. We talk briefly about the weather in New York versus California. How the plane ride home was. What Zack has been building with his Legos. He doesn’t ask how my visit went. Since Carmen didn’t accompany me home and I didn’t call with good news, I’m sure he knows that it did not go well. I’m kind of grateful he doesn’t ask me about it. I don’t think I can handle it right now.
“So … is Maddy okay? You never answered me.”
He takes a long, deep breath and rubs a hand over his face. “I wanted to wait until we got to the hospital, but I guess now is as good a time as any.” He glances over at me, his grip tight on the steering wheel. “She’s not doing well, honey. Even the doctors are losing hope. She’s been moved up on the waiting list, but I’m not convinced we’ll find a donor in time.” He sniffs and wipes at his eyes. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay, Dad.” I reach over and put my hand on his arm, giving it a squeeze and trying to keep my own emotions in check.
“I just feel like I failed her. I’ve done everything to keep your sister alive, but I feel like I haven’t done anything at the same time. It should be me. She’s too young to … I don’t know how I’ll handle it if …”
He shakes his head and swallows, not saying anything else. He doesn’t have to. We both know what could happen soon enough.
Twenty minutes later, after driving the rest of the way in silence, I’m sitting next to Maddy’s hospital bed, listening to the sound of the annoying machines beeping all around us.
If they weren’t connected to her, I’d unplug them if I could.
It’s hard to look at her. She looks like a ghost of her old self. I wasn’t prepared for this. For how different she’d be in only three days.
I shouldn’t have left. My trip was worthless. I squeeze Jax’s MP3 player in my hand. Maybe it wasn’t totally worthless, even though I didn’t get what I went for. And I really don’t want to admit Dad was right. To anyone.
She stirs, turning her face toward me as she opens her eyes. “Mia?”
“Hey, Maddy. How are you feeling?”
She tries to laugh but only a cough comes out. “Been better. Much better.” She reaches for my hand and I take hers. It’s cold. “I’m glad you’re back. I missed you.”
“Believe me. I missed you, too.”
“Did Mom pick you up?”
“Dad. And I swear I got the first flight back here that I could. It took a while. I’m sorry.”
She shakes her head. “I’m sorry I cut your trip short.”
“It wasn’t a trip, Maddy. The only reason I went was for you.”
“I know. But if my stupid body would function the way it was supposed to, neither of us would be sitting here right now.” She grimaces as she moves and shivers. “Could you grab that blanket and pull it over my knees for me?”
I do as she says and make sure she’s tucked in good enough. She thanks me and adjusts the oxygen buds in her nose. “How was New York then?”
I can’t look her in the eye, so all I do is shrug and stare at the IV in her frail hand.
“That good, huh?”
“Yeah.”
She stares at the IV drip, too, watches it for a while. “What was she like?”
I’ve rehearsed this conversation over and over in my head ever since I got on the plane this morning and I still don’t know what to say to her. So, instead of sugarcoating it, I go with the truth. “She’s … just like Dad said she was. She doesn’t care.”
She closes her eyes and takes a shaky breath. She takes a moment, and when she opens them, I can see tears welling. “Was she nice? Did she ask about me? Did she show any emotion when you told her? Any at all?”
“No. She was … cold. Distant. I don’t know how Dad ever married someone like her.”
“I’ve always pictured her that way.”
“Really?” I wonder why she never told me this. We’ve talked about Carmen plenty of times, but she’s never admitted that to me.
“Yeah. Weird, huh? I just don’t understand how a happy-go-lucky person could just up and abandon her kids like that. She has to be … messed up somehow. Or living with some type of issue.” She touches the tape on the back of her hand and picks at the corner of it. “It’s pretty awful. What she did. I forgive her, of course, but it’s just …” She blinks, trying not to cry again.
“I don’t know if I can forgive her, Maddy. I thought I could, but now?”
“You can forgive her because she’s not a part of our lives and you’ll probably never see her again. It’s easier to do when you think of it like that.”
“Possibly.” But I can’t stop thinking about her. Her expressionless face, her voice. It’s too fresh and raw. Maybe when time passes, I’ll be able to forget it.
“Was it, you know, hard to stay in control of your emotions? I know you. You didn’t freak out, did you?”
“What do you mean, you know me?” I ask.
She just smiles and shakes her head.
“Yeah, I know. Sometimes I can be a bit … much. And to answer your question, yes, I was able to control my emotions. For the most part. Though, I did freak out a little. Toward the end.” I pause. “She has a daughter. Another one. She’s thirteen and looks a lot like you.”
Her eyes are wide as I’m sure mine were when I first saw her. “What’s her name?”
“Clarissa.”
“Does she treat her well?”
I shrug. “Looked like it. I was only there for maybe fifteen minutes, but from what I saw … she looked like she was loved.”
She nods and folds her arms, probably thinking the news is just as weird as I think it is. “That’s good, I guess. Good that she cares enough about someone at least. I’m sorry you had to face her alone.” She yawns and moves around to get comfortable again.
“It’s fine. I’m just glad you weren’t there. You’re too sweet to talk to someone like her. She wasn’t rude, but she wasn’t nice either. Like I said. Cold.”
“I’m not that sweet.”
“Whatever. You know you are.”
She pulls her blankets up further and buries her arms underneath. “Sorry. It’s super cold in here.”
“You’re fine.” It’s not cold at all. I think of how much weight she’s lost and it’s no wonder she’s
cold.
We sit in comfortable silence for a bit until she closes her eyes and freaks me out with how still she is. As I stare at her, my heart speeds up. “Maddy? You okay?”
She jumps and her eyes fly open. “Oh. Sorry.”
“It’s okay. You need to sleep.”
She shakes her head. “Why does everyone keep saying that? I’m fine.” She closes her eyes again and her deep breaths tell me she’s asleep.
I sit next to her for a long time.
CHAPTER 26
I see the helplessness in your eyes.
The darker parts of yourself you hide.
Still you fight, you persevere.
To save a soul that you hold dear.
It will be all right, it will be okay.
Just keep hanging on for one more day.
—J.S.
Dad wakes me up a few hours later. I didn’t even realize I’d fallen asleep. “Come on, sweetie. You’ve been here all night. Let me take you home.”
“I want to stay with her.” I glance at Maddy’s sleeping form. She still looks so pale.
“She’ll be fine for tonight. If anything changes, the doctor will call us and I’ll bring you right back.” He reaches out a hand to help me up. “I was just talking to the doctor a little bit ago. They ran a few more tests while you were gone to see if there’s any other medication they can try. They have a new plan and we’ll talk to them tomorrow about it.”
“Will it make a difference?”
“You never know.” It takes me a minute to let that sink in and I let him help me up. “Bye, Maddy,” I whisper and follow him out of the room.
Dad’s quiet on the drive home. Again. He stares straight ahead, both hands on the steering wheel. He looks exhausted. “I’m glad you’re home, honey.”
“Me, too.” And I am.
“Next time, which hopefully there’s not a next time, please talk to me before you do something so rash. I was worried sick about you the entire time.”
I smile. “Sorry you worried, but I was really fine. You’re going to have to get used to letting me go anyway. I’m eighteen now, Dad.”
He runs a hand through his hair. “I know. You could have asked me, though.”
“There’s no way you would have let me go if I would have asked.”
“You’re right. I wouldn’t have.” He’s quiet for a moment as I stare out the window at the passing houses. “What did she say to you?” His voice is quieter. I can sense sadness behind his words, but his face doesn’t show any emotion.
“She was just like you described. Not like us.”
He nods, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallows. “She wasn’t mean to you, was she?”
I shrug. “Define mean?”
He sighs. “I’m so sorry, Mia. I tried to tell you.”
“I know. I’m sorry I didn’t listen. You were right, I was wrong. I’m not sorry I went, though. It was good for me to see her. To finally know what she’s really like. You know? To put it all behind me and appreciate what I have.”
“Yeah, I know.”
I shift in my seat so I’m turned toward him. “I had a question. Why did you marry her at all? If she was so cold then, why were you attracted to someone like that?”
“She wasn’t always that way.” He frowns. “She changed. I don’t even know what changed her.”
“It was Maddy and me. She said it in a roundabout way. She didn’t want us. We were too much for her to handle.”
“She said that?”
“Not those exact words but pretty much.”
“You know I love you, right?”
“Yeah, Dad. I know.”
“You did nothing wrong, honey. I promise. You were a beautiful, sweet, smart, amazing child. As was your sister. Carmen’s selfishness made her leave. She didn’t want any responsibilities. I did. I don’t regret anything. I don’t regret how things worked out. It’s been an honor raising you both. A privilege. You’re my girls.” His voice chokes on the last word and he hurries and wipes his eyes. I reach over to grab his hand and give it a reassuring squeeze.
I’ve never seen Dad cry before tonight. First on the drive home from the airport, and now he’s doing it again. And it affects me more than I can admit. But I keep it together and try to be strong and let him be the vulnerable one for once.
“I wouldn’t change anything either. Thank you for raising me. For being there for me even when I do stupid things.”
“I love you girls. I don’t want to see you hurt. Especially by Carmen. I’m sorry. For everything.”
“Don’t be sorry. You’re the best dad I could ever ask for.”
“Thanks, honey.”
The rest of the drive is quiet, but it’s a comfortable silence.
As we pull into the driveway, I see Mom’s face in the window. She’s outside before we go in the garage. When I’m out of the car, she hugs me so tight I lose my breath. She puts her hands on either side of my face, tears in her eyes. “Are you okay? I was so worried.”
“I’m fine, Mom.”
She wraps her arm around me and walks me inside. “Please don’t ever do that again. Your dad almost had a heart attack when he found your note.”
“Sorry.”
She rests her head on mine as we walk. “I would have gone with you, you know. You just had to ask.”
“I know.” And I do know. Dad wouldn’t have let me go, but Mom would have gone with me in a heartbeat.
She takes my bag from me. “I’m sure you’re hungry. There are leftovers in the kitchen if you’d like some. Spaghetti. I made something normal because I knew you were coming home tonight.”
“Thanks.” My stomach growls, but I don’t want to eat. I’m too tired to do anything. Thoughts of Maddy run through my head, along with thoughts of Jax. I just need to go to bed to clear all the emotions I have hanging around. I don’t like feeling this way. All … Whiplashy. “I think I’m just going to go to bed though.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah. I’m pretty tired.”
“Okay.” She rubs my back as I head to my room and I can feel her eyes on me even as I shut the door.
I throw my purse in the corner and glance around. My room looks the same. The same posters, the same quotes on my mirror. The yellow bedspread and matching curtains. My spotless floor.
And I just realized how boring I am. I need to spice something up in here. Change some colors. Maybe paint my walls. But not tonight. I’m ready to collapse I’m so tired.
With that thought, I get ready for bed.
I go through the motions. Brush teeth, bathroom, hair in ponytail, lamp on, light off, get in bed, lamp off. Before I go to sleep, I pull out my phone. As I click on pictures, the first one I see is the picture of me and Jax in New York. We look like a real couple. Like we’ve been together forever. We look comfortable. Safe.
It makes me miss him even more.
My phone flashes and I stare at the text message that just came in.
From him.
Jax: Thank you. For everything.
That’s all it says.
It seems so final. Like a last good-bye. Like one of those movies where the couple has one amazing weekend together and never see each other again. The first one that comes to mind is Serendipity.
“Serendipity,” I say. What a fun, yet interesting word. Maybe we’ll be like that couple and not see each other for a while, but then find each other again. It’s not like Jax even knows where the heck I live. All he has is my name and number. That’s it.
I stare at it for a while longer, wondering what to do. I shouldn’t leave his number in my phone. If I do, I’ll just stare at it like an obsessed fan with nothing better to do, waiting for him to call. Text. Anything. And yet in my heart, I know it may never happen. Celebrities have flings all the time. I hope I wasn’t a fling to him, but you never know.
I don’t want to be one of those girls.
Instead of texting back, my finger hovers over my phone for a secon
d before I gather enough courage to delete his number. It’s not like I’ll ever use it again anyway. And if I really need to get a hold of him, I can just look at my phone bill and find his number that way. They keep call and message records and crap like that every month. But it feels right to have it off my actual phone for some reason. Even though it hurts more than I thought it would.
I glance at our picture again before I lie on my pillow and let out a sigh as a tear slides down my cheek.
CHAPTER 27
Somewhere beneath the moon and stars, I hope you’re thinking of me too.
—J.S.
It’s been a week since New York and Maddy’s not any better. In fact, she’s getting worse. Instead of letting her come home, she’s stuck in the hospital so the doctors can monitor her. She has her dialysis treatments there, is hooked up to an IV all the time, and gets bored as heck just sitting there. As I visit her each day, watching her fade a little bit more every time, I know I’m not going to be able to handle it when she decides to stop fighting.
There’s nothing anyone can do but wait for a donor. And waiting for a donor means someone else has to die. Which is kind of a morbid and horrible thought. Wanting someone to die to save my sister. Wanting someone else to lose someone they love to save someone I love.
It’s not fair.
But no one ever said life would be fair.
“Will you turn that TV down?” Mom asks as she walks into Maddy’s room. “It’s too late for it to be that loud.” I frown and push the mute button.
“Happy now?”
Her eyes narrow. “I just don’t want to wake up your sister.”
“She can sleep through anything. She’s always been like that.” I watch as Mom smoothes Maddy’s hair down and pats her hand before taking a seat next to the bed.
“How was she today?”
I shrug. “No change.”
“Has she been awake at all?”
“Not really.”
“Thanks for staying with her. I couldn’t get off work today.”
“Of course.”
Interlude Page 17