“Shut the fuck up!” Manuel bellowed. Hostile energy erupted from him.
Byron stopped talking and looked at his iPhone. Manuel did the same. I considered the possibility of having both of them at the same time. Tingles ran through my body. I blushed. Manuel looked at me and studied my face. Then I noticed Byron’s eyes on me, too.
Manuel asked, “You’d want to try?”
“No,” I said definitively but my cheeks became hot, flooded with blood.
Byron suggested, “Marie, you reaching climax is going to take a ton of time. Really, we both love you. You’d feel great.”
“No! I belong to Manuel, only. What turns me on is the thought of making love. What’s gross is you guys sharing me. Got it?!”
“Good,” Manuel agreed, “because I can’t share you.”
I looked at Byron coldly, “And a little lesson, Byron. You were played. Here’s the situation you found yourself in, and please correct me if I’m wrong because I’ve seen it a dozen times: you’re at a party, drunk and smoking pot. A babe is all over you. You show interest. She leads you down the hall to a room. You go in to see a guy in bed with his almost naked “baby” or “wife,” whatever turns you on. They offer you ecstacy usually, not coke, meth or heroin because there’s too much ritual and mess with those drugs. No, they want an easy sell and repeat customer. You take the pill and get the pleasure. Then the next morning you wake up naked next to strangers and worry about who you screwed and who screwed you.”
Bryon wrinkled his forehead and looked at me with pain in his eyes. Manuel’s shoulders slouched.
I continued, “You’ve been partying for a year now. You’ll continue to have your fun and be played for another year. You’ll have so many drugs in you that you won’t be able to get it up so you’ll find yourself at orgies and porn parties. Then you’ll find yourself sued, broke and all alone.”
I shook my head at the absurdity of the conversation and looked around the limo. I pushed out every memory of what I had witnessed or experienced while in a limo. I hated limos.
The driver dropped us off. Manuel and I held hands while I punched in the code at the front door.
“Thanks for enduring that, Manuel. You do know how much I appreciate you, don’t you?”
He smiled. He hadn’t said much the whole night. The GQ outfit altered him. But this life was a lot to take in all in one night. During my international party days, I had seen much worse than what we had just seen. Given that it was probably the first time he was blinded by photographers yelling at him and the first time he walked in on someone who proposed sharing his girlfriend, he did a great job.
When I walked inside, I heard unfamiliar sounds coming from my bedroom and the light in the kitchen was on. We turned down the hall to my room, and he switched on the hall light. Rose petals were strewn on the floor of the hallway and a lovely bouquet of red roses sat on a small table at the end of the hallway next to my bedroom door. Three hearts cut from red construction paper were taped to the wall next to me with words in his handwriting. The conversation hearts read: Be Mine, I LOVE YOU, and Happy birthday from your loving Latino lover.
“Oh, it’s beautiful, Manuel. Thank you!”
I gave him a hug and kissed him. I was so happy. I kissed him again, starting to feel a warm glow in me.
“How did you do this? You were with me.”
He shrugged his shoulders. Something was bothering him but he was happier than he was in the limo. He explained, “My mom. I gave her the code. We can change it if you want to?”
“I trust Liz. Rules are rules, though. I’ll change it tomorrow and text everyone to call Sage for the new one. I’m not mad. I’ll have to thank her. It’s very special,” I kissed him again softly.
“I’m so glad you like it,” he whispered. He pulled me off the floor into a bear hug, backed me up to the hallway wall, and began kissing me passionately. His hands moved all over my body. He unzipped my dress and touched my breasts. It felt nice.
I was distracted by a moan coming from somewhere. Then I heard grunts, another moan. I opened my eyes and stopped kissing him. It took him a second to stop caressing me.
“What’s that sound?” I asked. It was a rhetorical question. In a second I realized it was a porno on the TV in my room.
He stopped me. “Please don’t go to your room. It was a horrible mistake.”
I was angry with him. “Pornos are absolutely repulsive—not happy-making!”
He looked intently in my eyes. “I know. Please, go to the couch and press delete. Please. It’s been bugging me all night. I asked my mom to help me figure out how to make you feel better. She thought, maybe you weren’t turned on enough and needed more… Dad and I argued with her. Now I’m sure it wasn’t right.”
“Your mom did this? I’m disgusted. There’s being a good mom: supportive, caring, loving. But helping her son prepare to have sex with his girlfriend is sick. Having sex with two guys at the same time? Byron wanting to be our porno director? Why don’t people here see that these ideas are entirely messed up!”
Seriously, if Manuel was going to be dating a celebrity, he needed a big lesson in privacy. He was so honest with everyone. He was completely transparent. We talked about it for years. He hated being stared at when we went out in public. Already this year he hated being the mystery man reason for my breakup with Byron. But now he was the boyfriend. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy.
“I’m sorry, Manuel. I know you have the best intentions of anyone on the planet. But this is too much for me… I don’t want any part of Byron’s life!”
I walked to the living room. The light from the kitchen was enough to illuminate the room but not too much to ruin the view of the canyon from the glass wall of living room windows. The darker the room, the better the view was at night. I could see the lights from a yacht on the Pacific Ocean, probably a birthday party for someone I knew. I got several invitations to yacht parties but declined because I didn’t want to be trapped on some boat when I was ready to leave early. I always left early. I sat down on the couch and calmed down.
I heard Manuel get a bag from the kitchen and go to my room. He turned off the TV. Then I heard him stop at the entrance to the living room. He was holding a bag of stuff and looked completely confused. I had hurt his feelings.
“Come sit with me, please,” I said, not having the energy or the will to smile.
He didn’t want to come over to me. He was frustrated. I had ruined the one present he really wanted to give me: himself.
But I didn’t want him that way: forced, cheap, naughty, X-rated. I didn’t want to have sex. I wanted to make love. He was an eighteen-year-old with the best heart of any boy I knew, who grew up in a sex-focused culture with very sexy parents. I knew what he and Kate did together. I was her best friend and she had confided in me. I also knew what an ass he was to some of the girls he dated. He didn’t tell me, but Alan did. But I didn’t care about that. I cared only about the way he was with me. He was loving, gentle, and kind—and frustrated. I knew I was broken somehow but still wanted to be with him even though he thought it was one-sided. I had no idea how I could ever explain how I felt to him. I had no idea how he would ever comprehend what I felt.
I felt like the only eighteen-year-old birthday girl who wanted to slow this whole relationship-with-a-boy thing down. I just wanted to kiss and hold hands.
Manuel was my best friend. He deserved to be happy. I looked back out the window. I was not sad, not weepy. I was glum, hollow, bummed. I would not be swayed to do something I didn’t want to do. I was resolute.
“Tell me something—the truth,” Manuel insisted.
“I only want you—not Byron, not Evan, just you.”
“No. The way Byron looked at you. He knows he can have you. What the hell did you guys do the night before prom?”
I looked down, busted. I admitted, “He came to my trailer before the wrap party to make me talk to him. We talked. He asked for one last kiss.”
> “Details. How far did it go?”
I looked at Manuel. His face was stern and eyes were dark. My heart raced. I swallowed the acid that burned my throat. I exhaled, “I was in the shower when he was banging on my trailer door. I told him to go away. He was making a scene. He wanted to end my hostility, be friends. After we talked, he asked for a kiss. I kissed him.”
“Did he leave your robe on?”
I gulped, surprised Manuel made the connection. “No. He stopped the kiss and covered me back up. I hate that I didn’t reject him. I’ve thought about why I kissed him a thousand times. I’m stupid.” I looked down again. “I love you more than anyone. I’m so sorry.”
He stood in the doorway. Guilt turned into a need for answers. “Why did you kiss Beth the morning of the Oscars? You love us both. Why choose me and not her?”
“I told you. I kissed her to prove to her that she’s full of shit. She thinks she’s everyone’s second choice. But she pushes all of us away. If she’s so in love with me that she keeps dumping Mitch then it shouldn’t matter that I love you more when you’re not mine. She was so pissed that I was late for our ride, accused me of always dropping my commitments any moment you grazed my world. Of course I did/do. It’s you.” He sighed, “She dumped Mitch the night before the Oscars because she was scared, not because she loved me more. The next morning I called her bluff. I told her I loved her, wanted her, and kissed her. She pushed me away. That was my point. I knew she would.”
“Did you and Mitch share her?”
“Alan’s rumor? No way, gross.”
“I hate that you love her. It drives me crazy.”
“Don’t be a hypocrite. You love Evan and clearly want Byron.”
“But I love you so much more.”
“Ditto with Beth. And I would never just stand there!” He bit his lip. “I think I should go home,” he grumbled, looking down, still standing in the hallway. “I left some presents for you in your room. I’m sorry I ruined your birthday.”
I tried to look into his eyes but he would not look up. I added, “I want you to know that I appreciate you and love you. I’m sorry.” I looked back out the window and heard the door close. Sadness and fear that I lost Manuel left me breathless. A vacuum greater than anything I had ever felt crushed me. It was a black hole.
~ | ~ LIANA MARIE & MUSE
Someone’s warm body propped up my head. Her hand was on my arm. A blanket warmed my legs. In my bad dreams, I was convinced that Manuel dumped me. I was a Borg, assimilated into the collective. I became the Borg Queen. I woke up sure that I was going to be alone with thousands of voices in my head sharing their intrusive thoughts.
“Mom!” I sat up and snuggled into her. She had told me that she was going back to work after the party. She was in the middle of shooting. I didn’t expect her to have stayed.
It was still dark outside. I didn’t go back to my room. I changed in Mom’s room, washed my face and borrowed her robe. I sat back on the couch and looked out the window for a very long time, feeling numb. I fell asleep maybe an hour after Manuel left.
“Oh, honey. I’m sorry. Liz called me. She’s very sorry. I blew all of the candles out in your room and cleaned up the petals on the floor. Manuel left you some presents and they are in a bag in your closet. I understand completely how you feel, but it will be hard for Manuel to understand. He’s just a boy, his mom is an idiot, and Byron manipulates you.”
“I’m worried that he’s going to dump me.” I confided. “We’ve been friends for sixteen years and now it will end because it got sexual. He’s going to break my heart, Mom.”
“Hmm. Perhaps you both will keep your hearts strong and manage to maintain your life-long friendship. Give it time and see what happens,” she said.
“Mom, Byron stopped the kiss or I would have slept with him. How can I be both a cheat and a prude?”
“No, that’s not it, Marie. Byron loves you and draws you in with his sincerity. He’s relentless. He disarmed me, too, remember. He glosses over objections. His love is not what you need. You shouldn’t be pushed into anything you don’t want to do. It’s not fair to you and it ends up hurting everyone, and you the most. Honey, be proud of yourself. You stood up to Manuel.”
She smiled sadly at me. She still had that haunting deep look of guilt and strain on her face. The look made me shudder.
“Mom, everyone wants and loves a piece of me. I want someone to love all of me. I saw last night that Manuel loves me but he doesn’t even know me as an actor. It’s like I’m three people, Lia, Marie and Muse. Muse is the actor, Marie is the high school student and Lia is holding the three together. Will a man ever love all of me and not just most of the pieces? Or will I always be a jigsaw puzzle that loses pieces every time it is moved from one surface to another? Will I ever be whole?”
“Sweetheart, you need to be strong from the beginning, confident about your unique sensibilities and your own morality. You have a very strong spirit that guides you. You know what is right and wrong for you. God will lead you.”
“Mom, that sounds so corny. Where has God been for me?” The way she talked made me uncomfortable. I talked openly about sex with her, but I felt weird talking about God with her. We used to pray together, and it was natural. She took Manuel and me, and sometimes Kate and, later, Janet, to Sunday school every Sunday during our entire elementary school years. But we hadn’t prayed together for several years.
“I know you’re angry about Matthew, how we handled it. I’m so sorry you can’t quit Muse.” She stopped talking and hugged me while she wiped her tears.
Mom smiled, “Marie, you are whole. I need to get you some books to read. I’ll get you an appointment for a spiritual guidance counselor. I’ll give you some books I have here at the house to read today. It might help you understand your spirit. I’ve failed you again. I should have kept going to church with you after the divorce. You should have been confirmed. I should have nurtured your spirituality.”
“What? Mom, no. I don’t really believe that stuff anymore. You dragged me to church until I was thirteen and there was always such a disconnect. There’s so much “sin” in my world that the religious stuff doesn’t make sense to me. Marriage means nothing. Everyone gets divorced. People are constantly having affairs. Everyone has sex. If the Bible is true, then ninety-nine percent of the people I know in the world are going to hell for their sins. The only person I know who is kind and good like you’re supposed to be from the teachings is Celia. Honestly, Mom, religion seems kind of absurd to me. The rules are totally unrealistic.”
“I wonder, though, if it might be what you need to find peace, to understand who you are. Religion isn’t just about rules. Your dad grew up in the peaceful Salish tribe. His step-dad, Bill, was Lutheran. I grew up Catholic. You seemed to like Sunday school, you had a good foundation. But then with the divorce, I didn’t think I belonged in church. I had sinned too much to be forgiven.”
“No, you’re no sinner, Mom. You’re too hard on yourself. Who cares if you had some affairs after the divorce? Sex is natural in a relationship. You’re way too old school.” I smiled at her and shook my head. I still thought she was going off the deep end.
She continued, “You must be confused about sex right now. It is everywhere in this culture, but I was resolute. I’m a rule follower: no sex before marriage, no adultery. It was easy for me to be the Hollywood good girl because I believed it so entirely. It was in my faith.” She paused, remembering someone fondly.
“To me, sex with your dad was spiritual, loving, perfect. The wonderful nun who taught us sex-ed in eighth grade talked about how making love between a husband and wife was one of God’s gifts to us. It was the divine consummation of the sacrament of marriage. It was a holy union of two people who love each other. She said sex without love and oral sex were sinful because they did not celebrate the union of God’s love. I have found in my life that the nun’s words were true. Making love with Tom was an eclipse. I felt sinful with anyone e
lse because I haven’t loved anyone else. I can see that you feel the same way without being taught the rules.”
I felt less uncomfortable. She continued, “I didn’t grow up in this L.A. culture. Tom didn’t grow up in this culture. I didn’t realize you would have such pressure at such a young age. I didn’t realize that all these high school kids and actors think that growing up means having X-rated sexual relationships. Manuel has always been such a wholesome guy. He has such a pure soul. It was quite a shock to see that he’s fallen victim to the culture, too. My heart ached for you when I saw your room but I’m proud of you for rejecting the experience.”
“Thanks, Mom. I think porn is totally gross. Manuel was frustrated because he wanted to pleasure me and thought that I needed some help. But he knew it wasn’t right when we got home. I was pissed that Manuel doesn’t keep anything private, pissed Liz got involved.”
“Liz said something about Manny becoming unglued about a threesome?”
I laughed, “Yeah. So Byron is stuck in the limo with us because he and Claire were having sex when Manny and I got in. She got out and went to my party. Manny’s shocked, right? Byron proposes to Manny that they work together to make me orgasm.” I sighed, “Oh, Mom, you could feel Manny’s anger. I worried that he’d pummel Byron. But at the same time, Alan told me yesterday that Manny and Mitch had shared Beth. I worried that it was true, which it wasn’t, of course.”
“Be careful of Alan. There’s something off with him.”
“Yeah, he scared me yesterday morning. He was waiting for me on San Vicente before my workout with Elise to give me my present and tell me the gossip, which I think he started. I’m gonna have Elise meet me here from now on.”
She moved on to a related thought. “I have made so many mistakes raising you. I was so busy working. I think you turned out very strong despite all of that. Your dad thinks you’re a filly—smart, gentle but incredibly strong and powerful, introspective, and beautiful. You’re unique. You’re wonderful.”
Loved In Pieces (The Intentions Series) Page 17