by Eric Vall
Shax roared with rage as he turned his massive body and caught the barrel in his bare hands. Not halting his momentum, he spun around and launched the trash bin into the sky.
“Shit!” I cast a portal of telekinetic fire in the path of the metal drum and sent it right back at the demon bastard. The barrel reappeared above his head and then crashed down on top of his balding dome, open-end first. Shax fumbled at the metal trash bin on his head, and he nearly tripped over his own bulk as he did so. It almost looked like something out of a Saturday morning cartoon.
“Again!” I commanded, and we all blasted our target once more.
Still blinded by the barrel, Shax could do nothing to protect himself. The attacks struck the bastard all over his body and sent him tumbling across the deck of the cabin. His fat frame bounced around the deck comically until it finally crashed through the railings on the far side of the porch and landed in the powdery snow.
Shax pulled himself to his feet, seemingly no worse for wear, and let out a primal scream.
“This guy really can take a beating, huh?” I asked rhetorically.
The demon began to lumber toward our position, with each step echoing through the valley like the sound of a charging elephant.
“Alright, guys,” I quickly addressed my friends. “Split up and use his momentum against him. That’s the only way we’re gonna pierce that thick skin of his.”
Cupi and Ira ran off to the left while Liby and I began to move to the right. Meanwhile, Todd stayed right where he was.
While we were running, I heard the distinct sizzle of fireballs behind me, immediately followed by Todd’s signature cackle. Libidine and I pushed through the snow for about one hundred feet, tossing blasts of magic at the fucker as we ran. When we finally came to a stop, I looked over at Shax.
Shax was still charging, and he was now moving much faster than any fat guy I’d ever seen before, but our attacks were still bouncing harmlessly off his body, and he looked like he was going to close the gap with Todd in no time.
“Give me some ground spikes, Lib,” I called over to the succubus.
Liby summoned the yellow Hellfire of hatred into her hands, clapped them together, and unleashed a flurry of glowing spears. They flew across the frozen tundra and smashed into a small snowbank right in Shax’s path.
Without much thought, I cast out a tiny wall of purple flames a few feet in front of the lumbering demon. The wall was only three feet tall, and I knew that it wouldn’t stop the charging beast. Unfortunately for Shax, that wasn’t my intention.
The demon’s eyes widened, and he stuck his feet out in front of his bulk to try to stop his momentum. Shax was already moving too fast, and his legs did little but trip him up and cause him to stumble over himself. He stumbled forward, hit the protruding wall, and then fell face-first into Libidine’s spears.
Shax’s roar of pain reverberated across the valley like a miniature earthquake. The demon continued to howl as he slowly pulled himself back to his feet. Several yellow spears were wedged into his body, and each one was accompanied by a small stream of blackish-red demon blood at its base. He may have looked like a human pincushion, but he was still very much alive.
“Enough!” Shax bellowed. “Only one mortal would be foolish to come all the way out here and challenge me with his pathetic little imp and his worthless succubi. Jacob Ralston, you’ll pay for your intrusion onto my property. Thus declares Shax!”
From across the way, Todd made an obnoxious snoring sound. “Jesus, bro. Did you rehearse that speech specifically for when we got here? If you did, yikes. You make the real Shaq look like an Oscar winner.”
Shax growled and summoned silver Hellfire into both of his palms. He pointed at the snow, lifted his hands upward, and a cluster of razor-sharp icicles popped out of the ground. Then the demon laughed and then flung a few of the deadly icicles at all three of our groups.
I threw up a wall of purple, and the icy projectiles smashed into pieces against my flame. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Todd zip out of the way of the attack, and Ira dissolved the assault on her position with a gout of turquoise acid.
“Icicles?” Todd heckled. “What, are we back on the elementary playground, bro?”
“Shut up, you bothersome imp!” Shax growled. “Let’s see how humorous you find this.”
The silver flames in his hands burst with redoubled intensity and then he began to charge once again. As he ran, he shoved his hand down into the snow and produced a massive axe that looked like it was made completely out of ice.
The succubi and I tried to flank the massive target with another round of spells, but the demon just knocked them away with a swing of his newfound weapon.
Todd waved his hand back and forth in front of his face and then turned invisible. “You can’t see me, bitch!” he cackled.
“Yes, he can, Todd!” Cupi called out from across the way. “Shax is the finder of all things hidden!”
“Wha--” Todd began, but then he let out a shriek as Shax’s axe came down where he was standing.
“Todd!” I screamed as my heart dropped into my stomach.
My fear was temporarily calmed when Shax continued to swing his axe furiously around in front of him. The demon was trying to catch the tiny, invisible imp with his deadly weapon, but the Toddster must have been too fast for the fat asshole. While Shax was leaving himself wide open for an attack, none of us could see Todd, and the last thing we wanted to do was to hurt him in the crossfire.
“Wait,” I said as I grabbed Libidine’s arm to get her attention. “Didn’t Cupi say that asshole’s axe could kill almost anything with a single blow?”
Liby nodded. “Shax’s pure strength makes him one of the deadliest of the Seventy-Two Servants at close range.”
“Then it’s time to use his own power against him,” I growled. “None of our attacks are doing any damage, but--”
“We could make him attack himself!” Liby finished with an excited gleam in her eyes.
“He’s a big guy,” I mused. “I’m gonna need your help on this one.”
I summoned green Hellfire into my right hand and then held it out to the succubus. Libidine called forth her own emerald flames and then clapped her hand down on mine. The second our hands touched, the jade Hellfire spread across both of our bodies in unison and combined into a swirling inferno.
“We have to time this just right,” I warned. “Wait for his next swing… Now!”
Liby and I threw out our hands in unison, and a beam of dark green fire shot across the barren landscape. It struck the crystalline axe of the demon and engulfed it in the radiant flame. Then we both made a downward motion, still in perfect harmony.
Shax tried to halt the momentum of the massive axe, but our combined telekinetic might was too much for him. The weapon continued its swing, but instead of cleaving Todd in two, the blade twisted inward and lopped off the fucker’s left foot. Blackish-red blood splattered across the snow as Shax fell over onto his side and relinquished control of the axe.
Now that it was fully in our grasp, I realized just how fucking heavy this thing was and how strong Shax was. Even with Liby and I combining our magic together, we were both straining to keep it in the air. I nodded to the succubus, and then we grimaced as we moved our hands upward.
Shax must have seen what we were doing because he quickly tossed out another flurry of icicles in our direction.
Fuck.
Liby and I were currently using every ounce of strength in our bodies to hold up this mammoth battle axe and releasing the telekinetic spell from even one hand would have lost our control over the weapon.
We were sitting ducks.
Suddenly, there was a flash of red Hellfire, and the icicles evaporated into smoke in the air.
“You can thank me later, Jakey,” Todd mused as he reappeared beside me and blew the smoke off his hand. “Now, go all turkey day on this cock-knocker.”
Liby and I made a downward motion with our
enchanted hands, and the axe came down on top of Shax. The demon tried to catch the incoming weapon, but it was far too late. The axe sliced through Shax’s arm like butter and then proceeded to lop his head off his shoulders with a meaty pop. Blood spurted out of the demon’s neck like a gore-filled volcano and turned the surrounding snow into a slushy of blood and snow. Shax’s body flailed around like a chicken with its head cut off and then went limp.
Liby and I released our hold on the axe, and it stuck into the ground beside the fallen demon.
“You’re really strong,” Liby flirted through strained panting. “We’re going to have to incorporate that telekinesis into our love-making somehow. If you can pick up that massive axe without much help, surely you can lift me into the air with your powers and then lower me down onto your massive co--”
“I’m gonna stop you there, Lib,” Todd interrupted. “We’ve already ruined this beautiful scenery with Kazaam’s insides. Let’s not soil it even more with the Toddster’s breakfast, capiche?”
“Capiche,” I said with a grin to the imp.
I looked across the way, toward Cupi and Ira, and then caught their attention with a wave of my arms above my head. Then, I pointed in the direction of the cabin, and the succubi began to saunter over. Liby, Todd, and I made our way through the snow and met our friends at the entrance of the building.
“That wasn’t as intense as I thought it was going to be.” Ira sighed. “I was really hoping I was gonna get beat around, even if it was just a few cuts and bruises.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Todd exclaimed. “He nearly caught me with his axe, like, five times. Thankfully, my spider-monkey-like agility and uber-swole muscles were enough for me to get the jump on him and slice off his foot with his own weapon.”
“Uh, wasn’t that Jacob and L--” Cupi started.
“I know,” Todd continued. “Jacob and Lib helped. I couldn’t have saved the day without ‘em.”
I rolled my eyes but wasn’t going to even try to correct the imp. “Sure thing, bro,” I said as I approached the door. “Now, let’s see what kind of rewards we get for slaying this dragon.”
The knob of the door was frigid, even through my gloves. I gave it a quick turn, pushed on the door, and then there was a loud creak as the entrance swung open.
“Holy shit,” I muttered aloud.
Our eyes were instantly met with the sight of piles upon piles of shimmering gems, jewels, and precious metals. The entire entryway of the house was packed to the brim with loot, with only a pathway just large enough for Shax to walk around on.
“Jesus,” Todd whistled. “It’s like a special rich-person episode of Hoarders in here. Is that a fucking Picasso I see over there?”
The painting was buried in the heap of treasure, too far away for me to see, but I was sure the imp was right. Shax seemed to have everything in here.
Ira held up a small handful of diamonds. “These things are worth at least ten thousand dollars all by themselves,” she said in disbelief. “And they were just laying on the end table! What the Hell else is in this place?”
Ira took off down the makeshift pathway, with Liby and Todd directly on her heels.
“This is a lot of stuff,” I whistled and put my hand around Cupiditas. “You did good, Cupi.”
“What, me?” The blonde giggled. “If I recall correctly, you and Liby were the ones who killed Shax. With help from Todd, of course.”
“Yeah, but it was your idea to come after Shax in the first place,” I argued. “Now, look at us. We’re millionaires!”
“Hopefully,” she said coyly. “For all we know, this stuff could all be junk.”
“Brrrroooo!” Todd called out from the other room. “He’s got a mint condition copy of Gamma Attack for the Atari in here! It’s still in the box and everything. That’s a crisp twenty-thousand dollar bill right there. And is that-- Oh my God!”
Todd dashed back into the room holding a square, white piece of cardboard in his hand. “Do you know what this is, bro?” he asked excitedly. “This is the White Album. On vinyl. I saw one of these go for hundreds of thousands of dollars on the Internet recently. We’re fucking rich!”
“See?” I gave Cupi a playful bump on the shoulder. “We’re rich.”
“How are we going to carry all this stuff back to the mansion?” the blonde asked curiously. “Ted’s plane was barely large enough to fit the five of us.”
“We don’t have to get it all in one trip,” I admitted. “Now that we know where this place is and the threat is eliminated, we can come and go whenever we please. We’ve got the GPS coordinates, and now we’ve got plenty of money to charter Mr. Rubble’s plane again. When we get back, I’ll have some of the cultists come out here and clear the place out.”
I released my hold on the blonde, flipped my backpack off my shoulders, and then reached down into it. I pulled out a couple of collapsible duffel bags and tossed them onto the bare spot on the floor.
“In the meantime, grab a bag,” I said, grinning ear from ear. “We’re gonna take as much of this treasure back with us as we possibly can.”
Chapter 3
“You have no idea how good it feels to be home.” I sighed as I pulled our black Jeep, Shadow, into the driveway. “Even though we were just in Canada, it feels like we’ve been gone forever.”
“The long-ass drive didn’t help, bro,” Todd added from the passenger seat. “I literally got bored of sleeping. Sleeping, Jakey!”
“Well, I had a lot of fun,” Libidine piped up. “I’m always happy to go on road trips with the love of my life and my best friends! I could never be bored when I’m with you guys.”
“Aww,” Ira cooed as she slipped out of the vehicle. “I enjoyed your company too, Libidine.”
“Maybe it was just the shit I was smoking.” Todd shrugged. “It’s a new strain Slothy and I developed. We call it ‘The Clockstopper,’ because time nearly slows down when you smoke it.”
“Is that FDA approved?” I asked as I opened the door and stepped out into the driveway. “Or are you just putting whatever chemicals you can find into your body?”
“Bro,” Todd shook his head disapprovingly, “you of all people should know that I’m not gonna let The Man tell me what I can and can’t put in my body. You know the saying, right? ‘If it gives you a high, there’s no reason to ask why.’”
“Nobody says that,” I told the imp and walked back to the hatch of the Jeep. “But hey, if you want to grow a third arm--”
“Fourth,” Todd corrected. “My massive imp schlong counts as numero tres.”
“Still, isn’t it a little unwise to be admitting to testing unregulated, illegal drugs in front of the future Representative from Arizona?” I asked coyly and motioned to Ira.
“You’re too kind, Jacob.” Ira giggled and pressed her hand to her chest. “I haven’t won the election quite yet.”
I opened up the back of Shadow and removed two of the bags filled with Shax’s loot. The succubi and Todd waltzed over and grabbed their share of the treasure-filled bags.
“Maybe, Sister,” Liby admitted as she put her hand on Ira’s shoulder, “but the latest polls seem to say it’s little but a formality at this point.”
“There’s still one debate left,” Ira corrected. “If I bomb on that stage, it might swing the election for my opponent. Of course, I won’t bomb. Mainly because Bill Hoggins is a little bitch.”
“Have I ever told you I like this one, Jakey?” Todd pointed to Ira excitedly.
“Exactly,” Cupi added as we all headed toward the door. “You’re going to destroy Hoggins with your words just like you destroyed Furcas with your morning star.”
“I wouldn’t go that far…” Ira said humbly.
“Of course you will, Sister.” Libidine grinned and wrapped her arm around Ira’s shoulder. “If what you’ve told me about Bill Hoggins is true, then your dom half will rip him to shreds. Doesn’t that sound lovely?”
“It act
ually kinda does,” the Sister of Wrath pondered. “Actually, I’m getting kinda turned on just thinking about it.”
We entered the house and were instantly greeted by some sort of delicious aroma. It was a somewhat smokey smell mixed in with the succulent fragrance of seared meat and cooking grains.
My stomach began to growl the second the scent hit my nostrils, and I realized just how hungry I had been. Thanks to our recent lack of funds, the entire trip to Canada and back had been subsidized by a cooler full of cold meat sandwiches and potato chips. Sure, it was enough to keep us from starving, but it was far from a satisfying dining experience. I looked down at the bag over my shoulder and thanked my lucky stars that we weren’t going to have to worry about that again for a while.
We walked into the main living area of our mansion and saw the remaining succubi, all in their element.
Gula, the Sister of Gluttony, was over in the kitchen portion of the dwelling. Her red hair bounced playfully atop her head as she moved back and forth between the different pans to dash on spices and flip the food as she went.
Meanwhile, Tristitia and Superbia were sitting on the couch chatting happily. Tris had a fancy cigarette holder in her right hand which itself had a rather large blunt at its end. When they saw us enter, they both grew silent, and a wide grin spread up their faces.
“You made it!” Sia exclaimed. “It’d been far too long since we’d officially heard from you, and I was starting to worry.”
“I tried to tell her it was cool.” Tris shrugged and then took a puff from the blunt. “Namaste and all that shit. I knew you’d come back.”
“I was aware they were coming back, as well,” Sia shot back to the stoner succubus. “I was just concerned that they wouldn’t come home in one piece. Shax is quite the warrior.”
“He really wasn’t,” I admitted, “but I am glad to be home. I missed all of you.”