by Eric Vall
I raised to the burrito to my lips and bit down into the soft shell. There was an explosion of flavor that lit up my taste buds, and I tried to make sense of everything that was going on in my mouth. Long, gooey strings of cheddar cheese stretched from where I had bit into the burrito and fell down onto my chin.
“What-- What on Earth did you put in here, Gula?” I asked in awe. “This is incredible. Are those chives I’m tasting?”
“That’s right,” Gula stated proudly. “It’s a loaded potato breakfast burrito. I got the recipe idea from some food show we were watching while you guys were, uh, making the connection.”
“You got Todd to change it away from the Paranormal Channel?” I asked as I took another bite of the delicious burrito.
This time, I distinctly tasted the creaminess of the sour cream, mixed with a bit of crunchy fried potato and bacon. Together with the freshly shredded cheddar cheese and the scrumptious golden eggs, it made a combination of flavors the likes of which I’d never experienced before.
“Todd’s been in the dining room with Raphael for the last two hours,” Gula explained with a wink. “He didn’t really get a say.”
I finished off the deliciously swaddled burrito and then tossed the foil into the trash can. “Good lord, Gula,” I whistled. “You should have your own cooking show. That was the best damn breakfast burrito I think I’ve ever eaten!”
Gula was now grinning ear from ear. “Really?” she exclaimed. “I was worried I put too much bacon and cheese, and that would block out all the rest of the flavors.”
I put my hand on the redhead’s shoulder comfortingly. “Gula,” I explained, “there is no such thing as ‘too much bacon and cheese.’ I can promise you that right now.”
There was a loud thump from the other room, and Gula and I nearly jumped out of our skin. We ran into the dining room to find the source of the crash, and I nearly fell over laughing at what I saw.
The Archangel Raphael was standing there with both of his hands rubbing against his temples in frustration. On the other side of the table stood Todd, decked out with a WWII-style helmet and an oversized cigar in his mouth. Between my two friends was a large cardboard map of what looked like the entire world, complete with plastic markers that represented different military forces.
“Now listen here, Raph,” the imp commanded in a gruff voice. “The only way we’re going to beat this great evil is by flanking ‘em on both sides and then sending a large group of cavalry right up the middle.”
“For the last time, Todd,” Raph sighed, “that might work on the Daeva army themselves, but it’s not going to do us any good against an Archangel and a demon that can fly.”
“Nonsense!” the imp bemoaned. “We just have to hit ‘em hard and not let up. It’s the American way.”
“Hey, guys,” I greeted my friends as I walked into the dining room. “What, uh-- What’s going on here?”
“We’re trying to figure out a plan to defeat Uriel,” the Archangel explained. “Todd thinks we need to divide and conquer, but I think it would be much more beneficial to do the siege method.”
“Siege method?” Todd’s fake gruff voice scoffed. “Sounds like commie talk to me!”
“I don’t even know where he got the cigar.” Raphael sighed. “He just pulled it out of his pockets and started chomping on it.”
“If we’re gonna strategize,” the imp interrupted, “you gotta go full Patton. I’m just throwing out my two cents, bro. The general would never let his troops stand around and be all defensive and shit, he’d want them to charge straight in there and kick some ass.”
“That’s the thing, Todd.” Raph rubbed his drooping eyes as he spoke. “I’ve gone toe-to-toe with Uriel, and attacking him and his army head-on is foolish. If we can surround them and take them out layer by layer--”
“We’ll be sittin’ ducks!” Todd resumed his gruff general’s voice. “We have a small army of cultists, but it’s not like they’re special ops or anything like that. If we don’t charge in there and take out the Daeva in one fell swoop, we may as well shoot ourselves in the foot.”
“Exactly!” Raphael groaned. “You said it yourself, they’re not special ops. Having them attack an Archangel head-on is suicide.”
“What about using something a little more… medieval?” Gula suggested and stepped toward the table.
The redheaded succubus bent down and rearranged the tiny soldier markers on the map so that the forces representing our people were now in small clusters. Then, she put the markers representing the Daeva into a large, square-like formation.
“Maybe you’ll remember this from History class,” the Sister of Gluttony explained. “Of course, my sisters and I were actually there, so we got to see it first-hand.”
“Ah yes,” Cupi said as she entered the room. “This was always one of my favorites. I like to call it the ‘yo-yo.’”
“Yo-yo?” Todd’s gruff voice asked. “I like the sound of that. Go on…”
“Sister Cupiditas calls it the ‘yo-yo’ because that’s how the attacking and defending works,” Gula continued. “The infantry would surround the knights and create a sort of human shield to defend them. Then, when the enemy looked like they were wearing down, the ranks would open up, and the knights would charge, attack, and then fall back into the ranks to recharge.”
“So we would be the knights in this situation?” I asked.
“Exactly,” Gula said with a nod. “We can have the cultists surround us, and then we can chip away at their ranks little by little as we charge, retreat, and then regain our strength. Eventually, we’ll break a hole in their line and then we can get straight to Uriel.”
“I only see one issue with this tactic,” Raphael argued. “What happens if Uriel orders his Daeva to take an offensive position? Doesn’t that throw a massive wrench in the entire strategy?”
“Not if we do it right,” Cupi snarked at the Archangel.
“It won’t matter as long as we can divide our forces up equally,” Gula said as she pushed around a few more pieces on the board.
Now there were ten cannon markers on the board, each an equal distance apart and surrounded by dozens of individual soldier markers.
“Watch,” Gula said as she moved the pieces representing the Daeva. “If they take on a defensive position, let’s just say a ‘Testudo’ formation, around their leader, then we divide our forces around them and attack until we find a weak point in their setup. If they take on an offensive position, then we can cluster into one large circle and fight them off until they finally wear down.”
“Let ourselves get surrounded intentionally?” Todd scoffed and puffed on his cigar. “That sounds kinda sketchy if you ask me.”
“I can’t believe I’m saying this,” I chuckled, “but I’m with Todd on this one. Getting ourselves surrounded by the Army of the Dejected doesn’t sound like a good idea, especially if Uriel and Beelzebub are there. Couldn’t they just fly over and spirit-bomb us from above?”
“In theory, yes,” Gula admitted, “but they won’t.”
“What makes you so sure about that?” I questioned. “Not that I don’t trust you, but I really don’t want to put all of my friends’ lives at risk just based on a hunch.”
“It’s not a hunch,” the redhead said with annoyance in her voice, “it’s a fact. Look, we’re going to have an army full of spellcasters. We can designate a handful of people to cast a shield of purple Hellfire over our position. That way, any fliers who might be present can’t hit us from above.”
“Okay,” I continued. “That’s a good plan, but it’s going to be a bunch of mortal magic users’ spell versus an Archangel. There’s no way that’ll hold up.”
Gula shrugged. “Maybe,” she admitted. “But maybe not. I believe in the abilities of your followers.”
“As do I,” Cupi added. “Because they worship you as their master, anyone who is part of the Cult of Ralston grows stronger as you do. And trust me, Jacob, you are much str
onger than you think you are.”
“Remember Earl?” Libidine’s voice chimed in from just outside the door. “It took us days’ worth of training to prepare for him, and even then, it took all four of us to bring him down. Now? You literally went toe-to-toe with an Archangel and lived to tell the tale. You are strong, Jacob, and your followers will be just as strong.”
“You just have to trust your followers and your friends, Jacob,” Raphael explained. “I’ve been in many battles throughout the millennia, and the second you start doubting your fellow soldiers is the moment where the fight is lost.”
“Okay,” I said in acceptance. “I like this plan, but I do have one more question… Why are there ten ‘knights’ on the board? There’s only nine of us here right now.”
“Because we need all troops on deck, Jakey,” Todd said as he extended his finger into the air. “Oliver and Jane together are strong enough to equal one of the girls or you or me. They’re our number ten.”
“Actually…” Raph interjected awkwardly. “I was thinking you would be partnered with Jacob, and then Aruna would be our number ten.”
Todd’s brow furrowed at the Archangel’s words, and he slowly turned his head to look at the man. His mouth fell agape, and the cigar slipped out of his lips and hit the table which tossed black ash everywhere.
“You-- You don’t think I’m knight material?” The hurt in Todd’s voice was very apparent.
“It’s not that, Todd,” Raph stumbled as he tried to think of an explanation. “It’s just that, uh--”
“We make a way better team than when we work alone,” I jumped in to save the conversation. “I’m the Hutch to your Starsky, remember? The Luigi to your Mario? Sure, we’re both awesome on our own, but when we’re together, we’re unstoppable.”
“Nobody ever wants to play as Luigi, bro,” Todd reminded me, “but I like the cut of your jib. Those little black and red chicken fuckers will have no idea what hit ‘em when Todd and Jakey come to town!”
“That’s the spirit.” I laughed and rolled my eyes at the imp’s over-enthusiasm.
“Now we just need to figure out a place to lure the Army of the Dejected,” Cupi explained. “We know that Uriel and his forces have to be somewhere around the Phoenix area, probably plotting an assault on our mansion.”
“Oh, we’re not going to let that happen,” Liby hissed. “I’ve already had to redecorate this place three times. Interior design might be one of my hobbies, but I’m starting to run out of ideas for this particular space.”
“Yeah,” I laughed, “that’s totally the biggest reason we don’t want them coming here.”
“What if we went all pro wrestling on his ass?” Todd suggested. “Grab a mic, set up some cameras, and then call him a pansy-ass jabroni on live TV? That’d get him to come out for sure.”
“That’s actually-- That’s actually not a bad idea,” I admitted. “Go out somewhere in the middle of the desert, cast some sort of crazy Demonic or Divine spell, and then draw him and his army toward us on our terms.”
“Fuck yeah!” Todd fist pumped in the air, and his helmet went crooked on his head. “I just hope we have more cultists than we do on this map, bro.”
“Speaking of which,” I mused as I looked down at the rectangular cardboard map on the table, “is this a Risk board?”
“It was all that we had in the house, bro,” Todd explained. “Don’t blame an imp for improvising.”
A gleeful, robotic chirping noise rang out from somewhere in the dining room, and Raphael quickly began to pat the pockets of his SWAT uniform. “Darn it,” he growled. “I know I keep it in one of these pouches…”
The Archangel searched for his phone for nearly a minute, and then he finally pulled the small silver device out of the pocket on the left of his hip. He flipped the ancient clamshell phone open, clicked a button, and then held it up to his ear.
“This is Raphael, Grand Archangel of Heaven,” he spoke into the device. “May I ask who I have the pleasure of speaking with?”
Raph listened to the voice on the other line for a second, and then his eyes got wide. “Uh, please hold,” he stuttered and then held the phone away from his mouth, making sure to cover the microphone with his hand as he did so. “It’s Uriel.”
“Holy fuck,” I gasped. “Put it on speaker.”
“Speaker?” he questioned. “The speakers are turned up as loud as they can go.”
“No, no,” Todd hissed. “He means click the button so that we can all listen. It should be a little handlebar symbol with wifi coming out of it.”
The Archangel looked over at the imp, still confused.
“It’s the phone symbol,” I corrected in a whisper. “It should be on the side of the device.”
Raph looked over at the right side of his cell phone, let out a silent “aha,” and then pushed the button. “Alright, Uriel,” he continued. “Say your piece, but make it quick. I can barely stand to hear the sound of your traitorous voice.”
“No need to be judgmental, Raphael,” Uriel’s voice crackled through the shitty speaker of the phone. “You of all people should know what it’s like to be judged without having a chance to explain yourself.”
“You explained yourself plenty when you tried to kill me,” the dark-haired Archangel snarked.
“Kill you?” Uriel sounded hurt. “If I recall correctly, you were the one who stood between Ralston and me. I gave you the chance to walk away, and you refused to take it.”
“That’s right,” Raph retorted. “Jacob and his friends have been good to me. Sure, Todd likes to pull pranks, and Cupi and I don’t always see eye-to-eye, but they’re my allies. I’m not a backstabber like you.”
“Careful, Raphael,” Uriel’s voice warned. “I’m calling to make you an offer, but I’m already starting to regret it.”
“What could you possibly offer that I would want?” the dark-haired man scoffed.
“I want you to join me, Raphael,” the angel on the other side of the line offered. “You are a noble warrior and a good friend, and you would make a valuable ally in this fight to shake up the status quo. If the three of us joined forces, we would be unstoppable.”
“That’s what you’re calling for?” Raphael sneered. “I’ll never join you. My place is with the Divine, and my alliances lie with Jacob and his friends.”
“Your choice, Raphael,” Uriel sighed, “but... I’ll tell you what… I’m going to let you know my location, just in case you decide to change your mind.”
“You’re-- You’re going to tell me where you are?” Raph tried to play it coy, but his mouth spread into a wide grin.
“Of course I am,” the other Archangel scoffed. “What are you going to do? try to kill me? I’ll be surrounded by my entire army of Daeva. So, basically, you can come and join me, or you can come out and die. The choice is yours, but I figured I’d give you one last chance to join the winning side.”
“I’ll think about it,” Raph lied. “Where are you, Uriel?”
The Archangel on the other line spoke his coordinates, and I quickly scribbled them down on a nearby notepad.
“Please make the right choice, Raphael.” Uriel sighed. “I’d hate to have to kill one of my oldest and dearest friends. Oh, and one more thing…” The Archangel’s voice oozed vitriol, and my hairs stood up on end as he spoke. “... hello, Jacob. I do hope you decide to join the party. Your mansion is beautiful, and I’d hate to see it ripped apart by my army. It’d be much, much easier if you just decided to die out here in the desert, where the buzzards and scorpions could clean up the mess your corpse will leave.”
There was suddenly a beep and then a dial tone as the other line went dead. The nine of us stood there, dumbfounded and in silence, for a solid five seconds. Finally, I let out a deep sigh and pulled out my own cell phone.
“I’m going to call Oliver and tell him to pull together every follower I have in the greater Phoenix area,” I explained. “According to what Uriel told us, he’s
about an hour away. I’m gonna have him, Jane, and my followers meet us there. In the meantime, does anyone want to call Aruna?”
“I’ll have Sia do it,” Cupi said with a nod. “That way we have our best negotiator on the line when the Rakshasi tries to haggle over compensation.”
I nodded and then dialed Oliver’s number into my phone. Once he picked up, I explained our situation to the white-haired cultist and asked if he and Jane could round up everybody they could find. He agreed to meet us at the coordinates with his small army as soon as he possibly could. I hung up the phone, walked into the living room, and caught the tail end of Sia’s conversation with Aruna.
“Thank you so much for your time, Aruna,” Sia said happily. “I’m glad we could come to a mutual agreement. Jacob will be sure to pay you the second the battle is through.” The redhead hung up the phone, and I walked over and sat down next to her on the couch.
“Dare I ask what she asked for?” I joked.
“Well, she asked for a million dollars,” Sia explained, “but I was able to work her down to three hundred thousand.”
I nearly swallowed my tongue when I heard the figure. “Three hundred thousand?” I whistled. “That’s-- That’s a lot of money.”
“It will be well worth it to have a Rakshasi on our side,” Sia assured me. “I’ve never actually seen this woman in combat, but from what my girls have told me, she’s the best of the best. You can’t put a numeric value on that.”
“I guess not,” I agreed. “Is she coming here, or is she going to try to meet us there?”
“She said that she’d be at the coordinates long before any of us could make it.” The petite redhead chuckled. “I don’t doubt it, either.”
“Then I guess there’s nothing left but to get out there,” I said as I stood up from the couch. “Let’s lock and load, guys. We’ve got an Archangel to kill.”
Chapter 16
“This is insane,” I muttered out loud as we drove through the Arizona night. “We’re headed straight for an Archangel and his army of deadly demons to fight them head-on? Even for us, this is crazy.”