by Leah Holt
“For what? It's just a wall.”
Tracing the seam I could still see in the paneling, I shook my head. “No, it's more than a wall, that's what he always wanted you to think.” Running my hands over the paneling, I felt around until I found the small notch in the crease.
Pressing in hard, I heard it creek and crack as I pulled the hidden door open. More dust blew out, causing both of us cough.
Waving away the thick cloud, Cyprus took a step forward, her face contorting in wonder. “What the hell is this?”
“This is what you need to see.” Hitting the small switch on the wall, a dim light popped on, exposing the tired, worn room.
It was exactly the same as it had been eight years ago. And in that single instant it felt like we had stepped back in time. I felt a flood of emotions rush through my system, all the same feelings I had experienced back then.
When my father came home that night, I was supposed to be in bed. There was a commotion downstairs with him and my mother. She was pissed, screaming at him in a way I had never heard her do before. Her voice penetrated my ears with a shrill tone, her rage building high notes that matched the sound of a train whistle.
Quietly, I made my way to the middle of the stairs so I could listen and not be seen. My father was begging her for forgiveness, he was pleading with her to calm down and let him speak. She wouldn't hear it. She kept telling him he needed to fix it, that he had to figure out something or she was taking me and leaving.
I had no idea what he had done, but I knew it had to be really bad for her to threaten him with his own family. I just couldn't have ever expected that his mishap had involved such an innocent person.
“You wanted me to answer your questions, I'm showing you instead.”
Cyprus walked to the back wall, kicking the thin sleeping bag bundled up on the floor. Her eyes were watering, and I knew she was trying her hardest not to cry. Sucking in a long breath of air, she turned to face me.
“Is this what I think it is?”
Pointing to the left, I stepped into the corner. “This is the corner I would sit in when I came down to see you. I told you it was my favorite corner, I gave you an answer that was a lie. I lied to you before I really knew you. I didn't like lying to you then, and I don't like lying to you now. I never liked it, Cyprus, not once was I ever happy about the shit I said.”
“This is the room. . .” Twisting her foot into the floor, she looked back down at the sleeping bag. “This was where I slept.”
“Yeah. Most of the time you laid it out against that wall. You never really talked to me much back then, a little bit here and there. I figured you liked that spot because you could see the door easier.”
“And the chair? Is this—”
“Yes,” I said, “That's the one my dad used to try and get you to listen to him.”
“You knew about that?”
“You were never really alone, regardless of what you thought. I was always close by, even if you didn't realize it, I was there. Outside the door or sitting by that window, with my ear to the glass. I always wanted to make sure I was here for you, and I hoped you could feel me even if you couldn't see me.”
Her mouth hung open as she digested everything around her. I could see her putting pin pricks in what her diary said and what she could visibly touch and see with her eyes. Her hands were shaking again, fingers buzzing as she softly ran them over the back of the chair.
“How did he do it? How did he erase my memories?”
Biting my lip, I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. “I want you to remember. That's what you want right? To see it on your own?”
“Yeah, I do, but I can't wait for that anymore. I need to know, Birch, tell me how he did it.”
Sharp goosebumps zipped over my back, making my spine tingle nervously. I was about to say it, I was about to give her the last bit of her past she needed to complete the puzzle.
“I didn't want him to do any of this shit, but he wouldn't listen to me.” I couldn't tell her. I wanted to, I really did, but it was harder to speak the truth than it was for me to think about it. Holding up my hands, I bounced them in the air, hoping it might help deflect her curiosity. “My dad wanted to do the right thing, he told me he wanted to give you what you deserved; a family, a good life.”
“A family?” Cocking her head, her lids turned to slits. “And he thought that killing mine and replacing it with his was giving me what I deserved?”
“No, that's not. . .that wasn't what he meant to do.”
“Then what did he mean, Birch? How was this doing the right thing?” Anger bristled her skin and turned her stoic expression into a wave of emotion. Every ripple through the muscles on her face, every twitch and grimace was boldly painted with disgust.
It wasn't done out of cruelty. He didn't go there with the intentions to change your life.
“He didn't know about you, Cyprus, he didn't know that you existed.” Raking my fingers through my hair, I paced in the dirty, dimly lit room. “He took you because he thought it was the right thing to do, he wanted to help you.”
Scoffing, Cyprus spun on her heels and kicked the sleeping bag. “Help me, he wanted to help me.” Rolling her eyes, she stuffed her hands into her ribs. “Tell me how he did it. How did he make me forget it all?”
Rubbing the back of my neck, I felt my chest tighten as I tried to breathe. “Do you really want me to tell you?”
I asked her because she had been so determined to find out on her own, she didn't want me to tell her then, and I was hesitant to tell her now.
I had never talked about what we did, not to anyone. And now I was about to tell the one person that was never supposed to know. It hurt, it cut me deep and made my stomach turn into corded rope.
“Tell me.”
Do it, just get it out. She deserves to know.
Taking in a deep breath, I let it spill from my mouth like tainted water. “He drugged you.” The words stung my tongue, they burned my throat and made me hate myself for everything I hid from her.
“He what?” Cyprus dropped her arms to her sides, her back stiff and rigid. “He drugged me?”
Dragging my hands down my face, my lungs struggled to take in air. I couldn't catch my breath, every breath felt like I was inhaling hot ash. Dropping to my haunches, I braided my fingers together and hung my head. “We held you down, and then he injected you with something.”
Her eyes widened, arms hugging herself tighter. “What was it?”
Shrugging my shoulders, I shook my head. “I don't know, he wouldn't tell me.”
I watched as her body rolled and she absorbed the gravity of truth set at her feet. “How did I end up in the woods?”
“You got out.” Straightening my back, I stepped up to her, taking her hands in mine and squeezing them. “You wouldn't give up, you wouldn't back down. And you did that, you refused to sit back and listen to what he had to say, you refused to forget who you were no matter how many times he tried to scare you into it.” Shifting my eyes between hers, I kept talking. “You were able to get the door off the hinges, and somehow you got out without him or my mom seeing you. It took us four hours to find you and when we did, you were hiding in some overgrowth in the woods. Dad caught you, he dragged you out kicking and screaming. I didn't want to do that to you, I never wanted to hurt you, Cyprus. He made me help him, he forced me to do it even though I kept yelling at him that there had to be another way.”
My heart ached as the anger and sadness I felt that night crept back in, stealing me away. Clutching my chest, I forced myself to take slow even breaths. The pit in my stomach was still there, I could feel it as if all of this was still fresh and not years behind us.
“That's why I was out there, that's why I looked the way I did.”
The softness in her eyes surprised me. I expected her to be fuming, to hit me and slap me, and tell me she never wanted to speak to me again. Instead, her eyes were crystal clear, the clarity making them sparkl
e like a gem.
“It all makes sense now, all of it.” Pulling her hand free, she fumbled with her bottom lip. “The way you kept asking me if I remembered anything, you said it like you weren't sure you wanted to believe it. You had doubts, you—”
“I thought you might be trying to fool him and trick us. I wasn't sure it worked, and I knew if it didn't, you were smart enough to just pretend.”
Her eyes zeroed in on mine, brows drawing in hard. “He hid me for all these years and no one did a fucking thing. Why didn't any of the other guys say anything? How come no one threw him to the wolves when they got busted?”
“Because of fear.”
Fear was the only power he had. With every death at my father's hands, his control grew. The more people he destroyed, the easier it was to keep the rest in line. No one wanted to be at the other end, waiting to receive his punishment.
His secret was safe.
Her father was his first true reflex kill. He hadn't planned it, he didn't go there with the intentions to take him from Cyprus. But he did.
And that one choice changed our lives. That moment gave him more power than he could have ever imagined.
He took two lives that night, but he changed six.
I hated him for what he did. And yet, in my sick mind I was also grateful at the same time.
I almost thanked him once for bringing this woman into my life. I didn't know what stopped me from doing that, but I never could utter those words to him.
Maybe it was because I knew what he had done was wrong. Maybe it was because we lived a lie every single day, despite the love I felt for her.
All of it was out on the table now, and I felt like nothing like I thought I would if she found out our secret.
For the first time in my life, I didn't feel like cement coated my skin and my bones were made of lead.
I felt a release, I felt the weight lift and my heart break free.
For once, I had done the right thing.
Chapter Sixteen
Cyprus
“Where do we go from here?” Birch asked, angling his head to look at me. His face was tender and soft, full of the pain he felt from years of lies.
Lies he kept, lies he helped build. Lie on top of lie, on top of lie.
But that wasn't what his question was about. It wasn't about whether or not I wanted to still be Cyprus or go back to Fiona. It wasn't about how I wanted to handle the truth or what I would do with it.
His question was about us and where we stood.
“We're not going anywhere, Birch. You and I still exist, I still love you. That hasn't changed.” Cupping his cheek, I brushed my fingers up and down his jaw. “None of this was your fault, you were just a kid. You did what you were told, I can't blame you for what your father did.”
“But I should have told you—”
“You did, you did tell me. It doesn't matter if it was now or then, nothing you say can change the way I feel about you.” My arms curled around his neck, hands taking his face and holding it tight. “I love you, and I'll always love you.”
“How can you say that? How can you stand there and not feel sick to your stomach being around me? How can you not hate me? I lied to you, I spent our entire life together pretending that I found you like it was some miracle.”
“No, Birch, that's not what you did. Your dad might want to think that he gave me what I deserved, but he didn't.” Tangling my fingers into his hair, I played with the ends. “It was you. You saved me, you gave me everything I ever needed, everything I ever wanted. You loved me, and that was enough.”
A thin smile spread over his face as he looked into my eyes. “Do you realize how much you saved me?” I felt his hands slip over my ass, pressing me in closer. “If I didn't have you, I don't know where I'd be. I fucking love you, Fiona Cyprus Rottera, and I'll always love you.”
Giggling, I tilted my head and squinted my eyes. “Fiona Cyprus?”
Shrugging his shoulders, his lips curled into a playful grin. “Who do you want to be?”
“I'm just me, Birch, that's it. But you can always call me Cyprus, it might not be my birth name, but it's still my name. Just because I know who I am now, doesn't mean I'm ready to forget the person I have been. There's still so much I need to learn about the person I used to be.”
Birch kissed my forehead, curling his fingers into my backside. “I'm here to learn with you, no matter what, I'll always be right here.”
Placing light kisses across my face, he reached my neck, causing my head to sway and roll to make room. His mouth was warm, it relaxed me, it made me forget about all the hurt I felt and focus on the only person I cared about.
I loved him. I was loved by him.
He was my everything.
There was no part of me that blamed him for anything that happened back then. It hurt that he had hid it from me, it broke my heart that he thought our love was too weak to stand up to something this big.
But what happened, no, that wasn't enough to tear me from his arms.
I felt his fingers run up my spine and down the outside of my arms. His lips traced the curve of my ear and he whispered. “I was so afraid I'd lose you.” Firm hands clutched my skull, digging in with a fierce passion brewing inside. “I can't ever lose you.”
Exhaling, I felt my eyes close as he kept kissing me along my collarbone. My hands caressed his head, working down his shoulders. All I wanted was to feel him, to touch him, to hold him.
Birch's breathing became heavy and gritty as our bodies rubbed and need took over. There were no more words between us, there was nothing else to say. He had me, he's always had me since day one.
Nothing would break us apart, nothing could ever crack and destroy what we had. Because our love was stronger than the pain of my past, our love was stronger than orders delivered in threat, our love was all we needed to keep going.
There was no doubt in my mind that our love was strong enough to rebuild a life outside this horrible truth.
The thick pads of his fingers scraped across my back, palms latching on to my shoulder blades and pulling me in. His cock was engorged, piercing my thigh as he grunted like an animal in heat.
Everything that had happened had formed this wall of tension and I wanted it gone. I wanted him to remind me of what we could be together, I needed him to show me that what I felt inside was right.
I love him.
The sharp edges of his teeth dug into my shoulder, gripping the skin and turning it red. Groaning, Birch rocked his hips up and down, rubbing his hard cock against my thigh.
My fingers found their way to his pants, tearing them open to free the thick muscle. We were ravaging each other like it was our first time together, and the control had been lost to pent up desire and lust.
Curling my fingers around his dick, he moaned, pushing hot air across my neck. Stroking him up and down, I lowered to my knees, ready to taste his length.
His bear-sized palm rested on the top of my head, fingers tangling in my hair to brace himself. Looking up at him, our eyes connected, his glazing over as I swirled my tongue around his crown and licked down the muscle.
His cock was throbbing, pulsing in my hand as I throated all of it in one slow mouthful. Hollowing my cheeks, I sucked Birch's length, letting it hit the back of my throat.
He tasted salty and sweet, just like he always did. It was the flavor I wanted, the taste I craved and devoured like a starving animal.
“Fuck, Babe, that's good.” Closing his eyes, his head fell back as his hips shifted subtly to my pace. “Damn, I love the way you suck me off. Your mouth is fucking magic.” Grunting, his hand drove my head harder as he fucked my face.
My pussy was growing warm and wet, clenching the air, greedily looking for something to fill it. I was delirious, lost and engulfed in the moment, in my need and the desire taking over my body.
Birch jerked his waist hard, pulling free from my lips with a soft pop. “Why are you stopping?” I asked, stroking his cock h
ard and fast.
“Because your mouth is nice, but your pussy is better.” Picking me up off the floor, he slipped my pants down my legs. Stepping out of them, Birch threw his arms around my ass and swooped me off my feet. “I need you, Cyprus, I always need you.”
Curling my legs around his waist, I lifted up and positioned my pussy over his swelling tip. Sliding down, Birch growled as I took the full length of his cock with my heat.
Bouncing up and down, his strong arms held me up, making it easy to ride him. My body ignited, hot ripples ran up my legs and through my belly, forcing a chill to scale my spine.
And as we found our bliss in the coffin that held my former life, I realized that nothing he could say or do would change my past, but what he gave me was worth so much more.
I close my eyes and it's him I see. I touch my heart and it's him I feel.
How do I still love him when our life was a lie?
Because love was going to build my future.
I still had that—we still had that.
We had a future we could build on truth now.
Chapter Seventeen
Birch
Heat from the sun warmed my face, forcing my eyes to crack open. A delicate moan filled my ears and I looked down to find Cyprus snuggled up in my arms.
Smiling to myself, I hugged her harder, forcing her as close to my heart as I could. That was where she belonged, she's always belonged right there beside me.
I wouldn't be the man I was without her.
“Good morning,” she mumbled, her eyes half open as she yawned with a smile.
“Morning,” I said, kissing the top of her head and smiling back. “How did you sleep?”
“Actually, I slept better than I ever remember.” Swirling her finger in the center of my chest, she arched her head up. “It's weird, you'd think all of this would make it harder, but I feel a sense of relief now. There's no more questions or wondering keeping me awake.”
“That's a good thing then, I'm really happy you have some closure.” Tipping my head back, I listened to the birds chirping outside the window and the sound of cars in the distance streaming down the highway.