by Bry Ann
They never did.
Today’s lovely cutting fest was brought on because Logan had just left again, and I ran into Damon’s parents at the store. It was beyond awkward. I ran away from them like they had the plague and I was going to catch it. The rape trial was God awful. My parents came reluctantly, but Logan was working. I was pissed that he didn’t cancel his job to come support me, but he said he literally had no choice. There is always a choice. He should have picked me. The only good thing about Logan not going was we didn’t have to worry about the press showing up. The press didn’t recognize his family… yet.
The trial was long and draining. I had to dredge through the events of that night again and again and again, while the defense questioned and doubted everything I said. They tried to discredit me, and that hurt more than anything else. I was a thirteen-year-old girl. Why would I want a rape trial? Why? What reason would I have for lying about this?
I also had to face Tanner and Damon again. Tanner was the worst. I actually wasn’t too nervous about seeing Damon. I hated him, but I wasn’t scared of him. Whereas Tanner sent a chill through my spine. I just thought Damon was an asshole coward prick.
In court Tanner was stoic. When no one was looking he’d catch my eye and throw me a smirk. Tears would always run down my face when he did that. He got an immediate reaction out of me even though I never wanted to give him one. Luckily, it wasn’t often no one was looking at Tanner. Damon, on the other hand, looked nervous, scared and beyond guilty. He wouldn’t look at me. I noticed he had a black eye and I wondered where he got it. At the end of the second day in court, when it was Damon’s turn to testify, it came out that Tanner had been abusing him physically, sexually and emotionally for years. He participated in my rape because he was terrified and didn’t know what else to do. I hated this truth. I wished Damon just was spiteful so then I could hate him and be done with it. This reality left me emotionally confused. How could I hate an abuse victim? But also, how could anyone, abuse victim included, know someone was about to be raped and do nothing? Especially your first date! That was the first time I cut myself. I had so much pain inside, so much confusion, it felt like there was fire in my bones and I was going to internally combust. I ran in the bathroom, grabbed a pen from purse, snapped it in half and ran it down the length of my arm. Graphic I know, but that’s what happened. It became an addiction after that. My one and only escape.
This all leads us back to this day. Logan came back from Ireland a few days ago, my parents had been out living the ‘my son is famous life’, and I’d been in my room for months trying to read, hide, do anything to distract myself from the pain. Logan left an hour ago to go hang with some blonde and my parents were home watching a movie. My head kept flashing back to seeing Damon’s parents at the store, and the look on their faces when they saw me. I hated this life. I had been contemplating possibly ending it for weeks now. It sounds so casual, but honestly in the numbed up, pained state I was in it did feel like a casual decision. Scary, but completely doable. I think it was the day Logan came back from Ireland, and I felt nothing towards him that I knew I was going to do it. Logan walked in and it might as well have been another stranger because I couldn’t talk to him about what I was feeling. He didn’t come in my room and eat cookies with me. I had no friends. My parents sucked. It all just didn’t matter. I was past the point of crying about it all.
I popped my head out of my bedroom door and snuck into the restroom with the rope I bought at Target. I pulled a chair from the hallway and placed it in the center of the restroom under a giant column that went across the ceiling. Once the chair and roped were in place I locked the door and put on some quiet music like I did when I took a shower. It was just a precaution really. My parents would have no idea what I was doing, and Logan was out. I could probably have screamed bloody murder and all I would have gotten is a casual “is everything alright in there?”
I swung the rope around the column and linked the two loops together, giving it a slight pull to make sure it would hold. It did. Once that was done I stepped on the chair and made a small noose for myself. This was about the point where my heart rate picked up and my hands began to shake a bit. I didn’t really want to die, I just saw no other option. What I wanted was to live and love, but it didn’t look like that was in the cards for me. People would say wait, you don’t know what the future will hold, but, you know what, I couldn’t live through twenty years of this to get to the point where I was happy. I just couldn’t. I needed something, a reason to keep going, and I just didn’t have it.
I slipped the noose around my neck and pulled the end of it to tighten. Right as I was adjusting the noose on my neck my foot slipped on the chair. I was being careless. The noose slipped in my hand and tightened so tight around my neck that it cut off my airway. I desperately clawed at it and tried to loosen it, but my vision was already blurring. I couldn't focus or see. I was panicking. I had to finish what I came here for. In a desperate attempt to end it all I stepped off the chair. I don’t remember what happened after that. I blacked out. I think I remember hearing yelling later. I don’t know. I woke up in a hospital. There was a nurse by me and Logan was asleep on a chair across from me. I noticed his security guard standing outside my door as well. I was definitely back to my shitty life. I shifted a bit and the nurse that was by my bed looked at me with cold, disapproving eyes. I didn’t care. She was probably pissed, because I was a “suicide risk” and she had to watch me. I groaned and turned my head to the side. My neck hurt. I felt dizzy and weak. I was alive still, which sucked… and now I had to face Logan.
The second I groaned Logan’s head popped up. His eyes were red and bloodshot. His hair was uncombed, and he was wearing the same clothes he wore to go out with that girl.
Logan immediately ran to my bedside, ignoring small protests from the nurse. He shot her a death glare and she sat back. Logan made eye contact with me blankly for a second. I didn’t know what to do. I shifted uncomfortably. I was so ashamed and so embarrassed. I knew in my gut Logan found me in the bathroom. It was in his eyes. They had a darkness in them he didn’t have before. That hurt more than anything else that had happened that day.
After a few seconds of blank silence, Logan did the thing I least expected. He fell into my lap and started crying his eyes out. Not little tears. Full belly sobs. I’d never seen Logan cry, not even anything close. My eyes went wide, and my head reared back in shock. I slowly sat up and placed my hand on his head.
“It’s okay?” My voice came out sounding more like a question than a statement. My blonde hair was scratching my neck and it felt itchy, like little pins attached to my head. I wondered how long I’d been out.
Eventually Logan pulled his head up and wiped the tears from his face. He looked so tired and my heart hurt for him.
“I’m so sorry,” he said in an exhausted, pained voice. “I’m so freaking sorry Dana. I’m your big brother. I was supposed to protect you. I was working so much I just didn’t even… “his voice became choked again. I wanted to tell him it was okay, but how could I do that? I almost died, and I still wanted to.
“It’s not your fault…” I mumbled.
His head shot up, his expression pained.
“Don’t ever do that again. Don’t do that to me! Please. I’m begging you. I know I am bad at showing you, but you are my best friend. I need you Day. I need you,” he cried again. “Promise me you’ll never do that again. Promise me! I know you keep your promises.”
“Logan please. I can’t make that promise. I'm sorry. I'm not saying I’m gonna do it again but… I can’t promise you I won’t. I'm sorry.”
Logan’s jaw clenched, and he stood abruptly. It was so quick that even the nurse jumped back a bit.
“Promise me Dana. For me. As your brother.”
I tried to blink back my tears as I nodded slightly.
He sighed. “Dana, I don’t want to have to lock you up. I took you here myself. I didn’t involve the police, but…
I will have you committed if your life's on the line.”
“You wouldn’t!”
“Yes, I damn well would. I will protect you Dana. From yourself if I have to. I’m gonna do a better job of protecting you from here on out.”
“You're not my dad. That’s his job!”
Logan’s jaw clenched tight. Logan loved our parents. They got along, albeit it was mostly because of Logan’s money but still. The problem in their relationship had always been me. Always me. Logan resented how I was treated but had no idea how to handle it. I knew this whole suicide thing was putting him at a crossroads. I didn’t want to do that to him. I’d tried not to do that to him, but my parents made it impossible after my rape. When I was confident and young it was all fine, but I grew up in a day. In one instance all my confidence was stripped from me. I was left a shell of who I once was. I couldn’t take their crap anymore after that.
“Yeah well…” was all he said in response.
“No say it!” I snapped. “Finish your sentence! He doesn’t care enough, right? You don’t trust that he will protect me. You know that if you leave this in his hands I’ll just go in the bathroom and slit my wrists next time, no problem!”
Logan looked shocked by my bluntness. The nurse sat up straighter. I'm sure she was just dying to tell the crisis officer that I was a risk to myself and all that. I didn’t care in the moment. I was so pissed off!
“Dana…” Logan pleaded.
“No! Don’t Dana me. I mean you ask stuff of me all the time! You are never here and then act like I'm just supposed to open up to you the minute you come sauntering in the door! You know nothing about me anymore Logan. I’m left with them and they could care less about me because I am not you! Then you don’t let me talk about it. It’s a taboo topic. I can’t hold it all in forever. I’ll explode!”
“Don’t kill yourself.” That’s all he said in response. “Please.”
“Fine. I promise. I won’t kill myself,” the nurse sat back. “Logan Prescott gets his way again… shocker.”
I lied back and crossed my arms over my chest. For the first time my brother was speechless.
“Thank you,” he said before walking out.
The nurse glanced at me and I glanced back. There was nothing to say.
Present Day: Chapter 4:
“Shit!” I yelled, throwing the blanket off me. I began to scramble around the room looking for my cell phone. I had no idea what time it was, all I knew is I forgot to call Sam. She’s gonna be freaking out! Or she’s told Logan which, given I have no idea what kind of trouble Gunner and I are now in, would be really bad. Or good. I had no idea. Logan has a security team. Could that help us? Logan would do anything to keep me safe. So, would Gunner. All these thoughts were scrambling around in my head as I looked for my phone when a very tired Gunner walked in the room rubbing his messy hair. He was wearing a plain green t-shirt and a pair of sweats; his tattoos were very visible from the sleeves of his shirt.
“You okay?” he said groggily. Gunner was clearly not someone who liked to be woken up.
“Do you know where my phone is? I can’t find it and I need to call Sam and….” I kept rambling as I threw pillows around the room looking for my cell phone. I didn’t look at Gunner once. I was so frantic, a complete spaz. After a few seconds of frantic searching there was a loud thud two inches from my face. I looked up and in front of me was my cell phone. I looked over at Gunner who was holding my purse up and waving it at me like I was an idiot. Well, that was really dumb, but he didn’t need to be an ass about it and throw it at me.
I quickly picked up my cell phone and went to dial Sam’s number when Gunner’s large hand grabbed my forearm, gently stopping me.
“What’s bothering you?”
I gave him an incredulous look and then let out an almost manic laugh.
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
I pulled away from him and paced the room trying to remind myself I was just in a t-shirt and to not wave my hands around like a lunatic. Gunner stared at me intensely as I paced around on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
“I was taken. Then Sam almost died because of me, because I was stupid and tried to help you! Then you save me and then you leave me. Just gone!” I continued pacing the room angrily as Gunner’s gaze just stayed trained on me. His posture now stiff.
“You’re one of my closest friends. Hell, one of my only friends. We kissed, and I know, I know you felt something. There’s no way you didn’t! So, I came after you. It seemed simple in my mind. Dumb, but simple. I wasn’t scared. In fact, I felt motherfucking positive about it. Then you toy with my emotions and I don’t know where you are or if I’ll ever see you again. Then you scare the shit of me in an alley and it turns out you aren’t gone, you’re here!” I waved my arms around like a drunk person.
“Then I find out I’m in danger and Sam wants to tell my brother and I don’t know what the danger is or if I should tell him or if something's gonna happen or if you even…” then my tears came, and I just fell to the floor letting my face fall in my hands as I cried. I felt Gunner staring at me for a second and then he came over and crouched in front of me.
“I didn’t want to involve you in this,” Gunner said simply.
He tried to help me to my feet, but I jerked my arm away. He let out a huff of annoyance, and then planted his ass on the ground next to me.
“In what?” I said looking up at him through my tear stained eyes. “What am I now involved in? All I wanted was…. it doesn’t matter.”
Gunner looked guarded.
“I just wanted to give us a chance,” I mumbled sort of embarrassed about the whole idea of it now.
Gunner was a criminal. His presence felt criminal. His tattoos and muscles were there to tell people he’d never care. He’d never attach himself, yet here I was pretending none of that was true.
“It’d never work between us Dana,” Gunner said softly.
I could tell he was trying to be sympathetic and conscious of my feelings. He’d known me inside and out for six years. He knew when his words could break me. This was one of those moments and he knew it.
“Why?” I said through my sobs. “Why? Do you just not like me that way or…. “then I once again asked the real thing that was tugging at my heart. “Why did you leave me? Is it really that easy for you to walk away? I know you are you but still… six years You could just leave after six years and never see me again.”
I stole a glance at him from under my eyelashes. I was completely vulnerable in this moment, but he needed to know. He needed to stop messing with my feelings. This was why I came after him in the first place. I knew nothing about any kind of danger when I came here.
Gunner sighed and put his hand under my armpit, helping me up. I let him this time. I was so weak from the intensity of my emotions, Gunner really had to support my weight as he brought me over to the couch and set me down.
“It wasn’t easy for me to walk away. Not at all. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I did feel it had to be done.”
“But why?”
“Dana, do you really need to ask me that? We hid our friendship from the world, the entire time Dana. That was the only reason it worked. The whole kidnapping thing was bound to bring it out into the light. We couldn’t keep it up. You’d just be in danger again and Sam wouldn’t be there to save you from the hurt the next time it happened. If what happened to Sam happened to you I don’t think I could live with myself. You’ve seen too much already.”
He was right, but that didn’t change how I felt so I stayed quiet. We both did until I felt the cold metal of my cell phone hit my hand. Gunner gave me a sympathetic purse of his lips before strolling off to his room and quietly shutting the door.
I’d never claimed to not be an emotional person. I’m not like Sam or Alexa. I don’t know how to shut my feelings off like that. I feel too much. Hence the decade I’d spent in treatment trying to learn how to manage my feelings. So once
Gunner left the room I balled like a baby, silently so Gunner wouldn’t hear. Although I am sure he did, because he was trained to hear everything going on around him, which just made my cry fest all the more embarrassing. At a certain point in my emotional breakdown I began to lose track of what it was exactly I was so upset about. Was it Gunner rejecting me? Gunner leaving me? Being in danger? Past issues? Being alone? Sam? The kidnapping? Feeling like Logan had this new life without me? My phone buzzed in my hand again, but I ignored it. I couldn’t talk to Sam in this state. I just had to hope she wouldn’t tell Logan until we’ve talked. I cried myself to sleep with my phone in my hand. I don’t remember when I fell asleep. One second, I was crying and ignoring my buzzing cell phone, the next the world was black.
I woke up when I felt the cold metal of my cell phone being taken from my hand. I instantly shot up and instinctively threw my arms in front of me. Habit.
“It’s me,” said a low rumbly voice. I instantly dropped my hands.
“Right, I knew that,” I mumbled as I stood up, again reminding myself not to stretch in this t-shirt. Gunner set a cup of coffee on the table in front of me.
“For you, if you want it.”
He gave brief lift of his chin and set my phone on the table. I raised my eyebrow at him and thanked him quietly. For a few minutes we sat in silence and then my phone rang again, and I remembered Sam.
“Shoot!” I whispered as I reached for my phone.
Gunner lifted his gaze from his coffee and then looked down when he realized why I was cursing. I picked up my phone and threw it on my ear as I started to pace the really small room. Other than the bedroom, the living space was the only other room and it felt so small with Gunner. Not only was he a giant man, but his presence was even larger. I couldn’t escape him in here.