“Why?”
That question was the reason why he’d left the first time without a word. He hadn’t had an answer for her then and he still had no answer for her now, except the truth and that was the thing he’d sworn he’d keep from her.
By no means was he a coward. Someone in his situation couldn’t afford to be. But leaving her like he had was an act that had haunted him every day since. Some days, the urge to confess it all had nearly driven him mad. He’d lie in bed, hands twisted in the sheets, fighting against himself to keep from lunging out and finding her. But it always came down to answering that question.
Why? Why had he left? Why had he never come back? Why had he hurt her?
He wanted to tell her to go ask John Paul. He’d been the one waiting for Dimitri in the wee hours of the morning, just beneath Ava’s bedroom window. He’d been the one to remind Dimitri of what he was and the destruction he would cause if he didn’t let Ava go. He’d been the one to put all the pictures together and help Dimitri realize there was no future for him, and if he kept Ava, no future for her either.
There weren’t many things he agreed with John Paul about. The man had abandoned him before Dimitri was even born, had turned his back on him more times than Dimitri could count. They were both from the same world, yet John Paul had always seen Dimitri as a wild beast running savage through the streets. As a child, Dimitri had wanted to ask what he’d done, but never did. As an adult, he told himself he didn’t care. Whatever the problems the man had, were his burdens to bear.
But Ava was the thing that brought them to same field of understanding. She was the thing that they both could agree needed protecting above all else. For them, she was that flicker of light at the end of a very long tunnel. That glimmer of hope when all else felt lost. She was their strength, the purpose behind every battle. Their love for her may have been different, but ultimately, it was painfully similar. That was the only reason Dimitri had even considered listening when John Paul told him he needed to stay away.
“Are you really prepared to pull her into your world? Can you really do that to her?”
Dimitri had only been twenty-five, but he’d already had blood on his hands. He’d already stood witness as a man’s life had faded from his eyes because of him. He had already done things he couldn’t change, had destroyed lives he couldn’t fix. And every night, he had left behind the things he’d done and crawled into the warmth Ava offered without question. Every night, he’d change out of blood soaked clothes and let her chase away the day with her endless stories. The beast in him had always calmed the second he’d slipped from his world into hers.
“I’ll protect her,” he’d told John Paul with all the confidence of a boy unwilling to relinquish a prized toy. “I can do that.”
John Paul had studied him from the other puddle of darkness the light from her window didn’t reach. His eyes had gleamed the way all eyes in their world seemed to do, with a calculating, watchful scrutiny that left nothing uncovered.
“She doesn’t belong there,” he’d said. “She doesn’t belong with you. You will destroy her. You will take away everything that makes her what she is. You will smother her light and there will be nothing left of her, but the same emptiness that fills everyone who comes near you.”
“I would never hurt her,” Dimitri had insisted.
“You already have, because that is what you do, Dimitri. That is all you are capable of. Your existence is a curse that kills everything it touches. It will kill Ava. It will break her and it will be your fault.”
He smelled of her. The floral scent of her clung to his skin, the taste of her lingered on his tongue. He’d been surrounded by her even then and all he could see when he looked at his hands was blood of the people he’d killed, of the lives he’d shortened. He heard their screams, their pleas for mercy ringing through the gardens. He thought of Ava, sweet, beautiful, pure Ava with her untainted smiles, her unwavering light.
“Let her go,” John Paul had willed. “Do it now and never see her again. You must swear to this. You must swear you will protect her from your mother and the monster inside you.”
Dimitri had frowned. “What about Elena?”
John Paul’s chin had lifted a notch. “How long before she finds out about Ava? How long before she uses Ava to make you fall in line? How long before she kills Ava to send you a message?”
It was a prodding fear he’d ignored for too long, but standing there, being reminded of his evils, there was no escaping it—Elena. His mother would see Ava as a weakness, a weakness she could exploit whenever it suited her. There would be no hesitation. There would be no guilt or mercy. Ava being John Paul’s daughter would only amplify her cruelty. Watching … making Ava suffer would be joy.
“I…”
What could he say? It was true. All of it. He couldn’t protect Ava. He was powerless against his mother, powerless against himself. What sort of man deluded himself into believing otherwise when the truth was staring at him in the face? He was a monster. Going home and washing it off before climbing into Ava’s bed didn’t absolve him of his sins. It didn’t change the fact that he would leave her arms and do it again.
There was no other choice.
That was the last time he ever returned to the estate. The last time he ever saw Ava. The last time his humanity saw freedom. He turned to the night, to the vast strain of his own destruction and submitted. There was nothing else for him. There was no escape from the life he’d been birthed into, the title forced on him. He was nothing, but a savage, wild beast that would one day be put down.
“Dimitri.”
Cool, tender fingers grazed his cheeks and ripped him from the memory with a brutal force that tore the air from his lungs. He sucked in air and nearly doubled over when it wrenched out of him in a near sob. It would have amazed him how something that happened so long ago could still break him open had he not been folded in Ava’s arms. Her heat engulfed him, tinged just slightly by her earlier arousal. He hadn’t heard her move, but there she was, aligned with him from head to toe as though created specifically to be there, nestled against him.
“What are you doing?” The words choked out of him.
“Making it go away.”
Something in him shattered. The deafening sound of it roared between his ears. It pounded in his chest. It raged around him with a ferocity that left him breathless.
At his sides, his fists twitched. The muscles on his arms flexed. His nerves tingled, an insistent, familiar urge that had him catching his breath in restraint.
No. No. Fuck!
His arms lifted of their own volition. They closed around her tiny frame even as his mind screamed at him to stop. His hands opened. Blood rushed into stiff fingers before they closed in her hair and in her top.
“Ava.”
He turned his face into her neck, into the welcoming grip of her embrace.
The voices stopped. The maddening shrieks dissolved to a blissful peace he hadn’t felt in years. The world calmed as it only did when she held him. And he let it. God help him, but he sank into all the things he didn’t deserve. He shut his eyes and, in those few stolen seconds, he let her make him human.
The phone rang from its discarded place on the floor. It broke into the moment with the viciousness of a cracked whip and brought back all the reasons they were in that shithole.
He drew in a breath and pulled back. His hands slipped from her ruined clothes and settled on her waist, not prepared to fully let go. Her head tilted off his shoulder and she peered up at him.
“Better?”
It was. He could never admit it, but he felt almost light, the way one felt when getting off a Farris wheel, like gravity held no sway over them and they could just float away.
“You shouldn’t be walking on this carpet,” he said instead. “You’ll catch something and need your feet amputated.”
He gathered her up and put her back in the chair. Then he scooped up the phone off the ground and stu
ffed it to his ear.
“What?”
“There you are,” Erik said sharply. “I’ve been calling you. Everything okay?”
No. everything was definitely not okay. He’d just royally fucked up in a manner that was irreparable. He’d broken his vow, and he’d hurt Ava all over again, which was the worst part.
“What’s going on?” he asked instead.
Erik didn’t respond immediately. Maybe he was trying to psychoanalyze Dimitri’s evasion of his question.
“I have some news, but I was hoping to give it to you in person,” Erik said at long last. “It has to do with Ava.”
Dimitri frowned. His own misery lifted in lieu of this new bit of information.
“What about Ava?” he demanded.
Erik paused again, out of hesitation this time. “Maybe you should come home and—”
“What about Ava?” he snarled.
Erik sighed. “She’s gone missing. It’s all over the news. There was an attack on the hotel she was staying at and…” He exhaled again out of frustration. “Someone’s put a bounty on her head, Dimitri. I don’t know who, but someone wants her dead.”
The folded piece of paper in Dimitri’s pocket gave a hot pulse. “Does anyone know where she is?”
“No, she’s gone completely underground. No doubt John Paul’s handiwork. But these people are serious. They won’t stop until they complete the mission.”
“Fuck!”
“I thought you’d want to know,” Erik finished, sounding resigned. “John Paul will be looking for blood and, after everything that’s happened between you two, I didn’t want him thinking you had anything to do with this. Nevertheless, watch your back, yeah?”
“Yeah, thanks,” Dimitri mumbled, and hung up.
“What?” Ava’s voice broke in before the phone was even properly stowed away in his pocket.
Dimitri shook his head. “Nothing we don’t already know.”
“Was that John Paul?”
“No, but you should probably call him back.”
He dug the phone from his pocket and held it out to her.
“Can I call Robby afterwards?” she asked. “And work? You said.”
Dimitri nodded and moved away to give her privacy. He wandered over to the window overlooking the deserted parking lot, the stretch of barren highway, and the dead fields beyond it. Where the fuck were they?
“Hey, it’s me.” She cleared her throat nervously. “We were just leaving the car and had things in our hands.” Her lie almost made him smirk. Almost. “No, I’m fine. I promise. The … what?”
Dimitri glanced back to find her sitting straight up, fingers white around the phone as she stared at the carpet unseeingly.
“Yes, a couple of times, but we never saw their faces.” Her frown deepened. “Yes, he’s here. Okay? But … no, I do understand, but … okay…” She lifted her head and met Dimitri’s gaze. “He’d like to talk to you.”
Returning to her, he took the phone.
“Yeah?”
“Is it your mother?”
No matter in what context it was said, John Paul always managed to make your mother sound like an insult.
“Is what my mother?”
“The one after Ava.”
It was a thought that had crossed his mind, but every time it did, he couldn’t help wondering, “Why would she?”
“Because she’s evil.” like you. Although not said, the implication was there.
“Elena knows nothing of Ava,” he said. “She has no need to hurt her.”
“Someone wants her,” John Paul mumbled darkly. “Someone is paying a lot of money for my Ava’s head and I want to know who.”
“I already have her and you know what I want, so it’s not me.”
John Paul said nothing for a long time. Dimitri was beginning to think he’d hung up when he spoke.
“Keep her safe, Tasarov. Bring her back to me in one piece.”
“Hold your end of things and we shouldn’t have any problems.”
He hung up.
“You need to stop doing that,” Ava muttered when he’d returned the phone to her. “Hanging up on him like that.”
“It’s how we show love.”
He expected her to roll her eyes and go back to making her call, but the hand with the phone dropped into her lap and she stared at him.
“John Paul knows about us.”
It took him a minute to figure out how she knew that. But he and John Paul hadn’t been subtle about it and Ava had always been frighteningly perceptive. It had always unnerved him how quickly she seemed to figure things out just from observing a situation.
“Yes,” was the best he could manage.
“Did you tell him?” she went on. “Was it part of the plan?”
He shook his head. “He’s known for a while.”
She licked her lips, distracting him from her next question. “How long?”
That was tricky. He may not have any love for John Paul, but if he told Ava the truth, she would be hurt, and the man may not have been any kind of father to Dimitri, but he meant the world to her. He couldn’t take that from her.
“Make your call,” he told her instead. “We need to leave soon.”
He knew she wouldn’t let it go. She would bring it up again. It was only a matter of when. But for now, she dropped it.
She called her friend.
Dimitri had only met the man that once, during the night of Ava’s party. He hadn’t taken away overly much appearance wise, except that the man was too pretty, but Ava seemed to care for him. Dimitri had wondered briefly during those few minutes while his flesh was being sewn back together if the two weren’t a couple. They’d certainly been in tune the way lovers were and Robby had shown up without question when Ava had asked him for help; it took a very good friend to do what Robby had done for her. He’d risked his job and future for her without question. While that convinced Dimitri of the other man’s affections for Ava, it wasn’t sexual. There were no lingering touches or longing glances. He’d been there for her because he genuinely cared for her and that was the sort of person Dimitri wanted for her. Not to be with, because there was no man right for that job, but for support and friendship. Robby seemed to be a good choice.
“It’s me.” Ava’s quiet murmur brought him back. “No, I’m all right.” She laughed. “Robby, calm down. I’m okay! I promise. I know. I’m sorry. I tried to call … you did what? Robby! Is he all right? Well, that was just … what were you thinking?”
Dimitri tuned out the rest of the conversation. Whatever it was about, she seemed intent on tearing her friend a new hole and he opted to leave them to it.
He focused on the parking lot and the litter collecting along the curbs. A plastic bag unclasped from a mound of trash and swept five feet into the air before slapping into a metal post. It hung there, flapping casually in the breeze. Its faint rustle sounded desperate, like the wings of a trapped bird. A part of him had to battle the urge to go out there and free it, knowing it was ridiculous because it was a fucking bag. But the urge remained, accompanied by the prickle of a faint memory he hadn’t allowed himself to dwell on in years—Millie.
Christ, Millie.
How he missed her, especially on nights when it rained.
“No, that’s not what I said,” Ava’s outburst pulled him back. “Of course I expect you to apologize to him. No, not because you didn’t hit him harder. Christ, Robby, you’re lucky he didn’t press charges. Patrick’s not a wanker. Stop that.” Her voice softened. “I don’t know. A couple of days. I can’t explain things right now. I know I said I would. I’m sorry. You’ll be the first person I call when I get back, I promise. Yes, I promise. The biggest steak on the menu. Are you being serious right now? I am not buying your dog a steak, too. Because you don’t have a dog.” She laughed. “I will. Love you.”
Dimitri looked away before she hung up. Her words circled the room, echoing in taunting jabs each time they reached him. He
wasn’t sure he liked her telling another guy she loved him, even as a friend. John Paul was one thing, but Robby wasn’t gay. He was a straight, reasonably handsome man who had all of Ava’s attention. Not that it was any of his concern, he told himself. But it did make him regret not hitting the guy.
“Friend all right?”
Ava’s head came up. There was a smile on her face that reflected in her eyes. He remembered a time she used to smile like that at him because of something he’d done.
“Yeah, he was worried, but he’s okay now.” She turned the phone over and over in her palm. “I owe him a steak dinner when I get back.” Her smile slipped. “And an explanation. I honestly have no idea what to tell him. I don’t want to lie.”
“Then tell him the truth.”
Her gaze shot up to his. “Even about you?”
Secrets and lies were the very foundation on which his life was built. Each one was a finely woven thread connected together by another lie, another secret. Each one was more fragile than the last and he stood in the center, balancing precariously and willing it all to remain sturdy. For him, lying was an act of survival, keeping secrets was the way of life. He really didn’t know how to be honest, which always frightened him. He knew he was capable of it. He’d always been honest with Ava. It was just something that had come naturally. But there were things about him that she knew that he couldn’t afford for other people to know.
“Maybe some of it?” he offered, having no real experience with the whole friendship business.
“Like what?” she countered. “That you were my best friend? My lover? My first everything and then you left?”
A muscle tightened in his chest and flexed in his jaw. “Ava…”
“I can’t tell him about you. It’s not safe for him.” She shook her head. “I’ll figure something out.”
Dimitri could think of nothing to say. He had no words for comfort, no beads of wisdom. He just stood there and watched as she lowered her head over the phone again, and paused. She stared at the blank screen for a long moment, thumb hovering over the keys. She licked her lips. Her hand gave the slightest tremor. Then she was dialing. Dimitri watched her, studying the tension in her shoulders, the nervous tick in her jaw.
The Devil's Beauty (Crime Lord Interconnected Standalone Book 2) Page 12