When I got there
everyone started shouting at me.
‘Where have you been?
Where do you think you’ve been?
We’ve been looking for you for hours
we couldn’t find you anywhere
we’ve scarcely had a chance to see
any of the animals
where have you been?’
I looked at them
and I said,
‘I’ve been walking round the zoo.
I’m on time, aren’t I?’
So then they started shouting at me again.
‘You weren’t supposed
to wander off on your own, were you?
You were supposed to be in your
group.
Everyone else was in their
groups.
You weren’t, were you?’
‘No.’
‘Well, we’ve got to go now.
Just think, you’ve spoiled
everyone’s afternoon, now.’
I listened to all that
but I wasn’t sorry.
They said,
‘You can all go off now.’
They didn’t say anything about
groups.
What groups?
I’m not going places with them again.
SHUT YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU’RE EATING
Shut your mouth when you’re eating.
I am, Dad.
MOUTH!
It is shut
I can see it isn’t. I can hear it isn’t.
What about his mouth? You can see everything in his mouth.
He’s only two. He doesn’t know any better.
You can see all his peas and tomato sauce.
That’s none of your business.
(2 MINUTES GO BY)
Dad.
Yes.
Your mouth’s open. Shut your mouth when you’re eating. It is shut, thank you very much.
I can see it isn’t. Dad. I can see all the food in there. Look that’s my business, OK?
Peas, gravy, spuds, everything.
Look, you don’t want to grow up to be as horrible as your father do you? Answer that, smartyboots.
NOTHING MUCH
‘What did you do on Friday?’
‘Nothing much –
I like doing nothing quite often –
like putting on old hats
or drawing forests along the edges
of the newspapers we keep under the sink.
How about you?’
‘I showed my mum and dad
what I had made in school that week.
It was a lorry
that works on elastic bands
and my dad said:
“What did you make that thing for?”
I bet he played with it when I went to bed.’
EDDIE AND THE SHREDDIES
The other day Eddie
was eating his Shreddies –
you know what Shreddies are:
those little bits of cardboard
you have for breakfast.
Sometimes he forgets where his mouth is
and he stuffs a Shreddie in his ear.
Doesn’t worry him
He takes it out and puts it in his mouth.
Anyway,
I left my hairbrush on the table
while he was eating his Shreddies
and I went out of the room.
While I was out
Eddie found somewhere else
to put his Shreddies.
On my hairbrush.
When I came back in
I picked up my hairbrush
and brushed my hair…
Yuk.
Shreddies in my hair.
I looked at Eddie,
Eddie’s looking at me.
Big grin on his face.
I knew he had done it.
Last week he put pepper in the raisins.
MY MAGIC BOX
When Aladdin rubbed the lamp
a genie came to him and said,
‘I am at your service.
I will do whatever you wish.’
I wanted to have a genie.
My genie,
but no matter how many old lamps
I rubbed,
no genie came to me.
But–
one morning I was daydreaming.
The window was open.
‘I want to fly out of the window,’ I said.
‘I want to fly,’ I said.
‘I want to fly,’
and
kerchung!
into my hand came a shiny black box
like a cassette recorder
with silver levers and buttons and switches
and little flaps that clipped down
with silver studs.
One of the flaps said, FLY
so I undid the studs
lifted the flap
and there was a button underneath it.
So I pressed it
and next thing I knew
I was flying.
I was flying with my black box
tucked underneath my arm.
I flew up off my bed
and out through the window
flying, really flying
and I didn’t come down again.
I went
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
till I heard,
‘He’s in one of his dreams,’
and suddenly I wasn’t flying
I didn’t have my box.
I was just standing in the middle of the room.
After that time
that first time
I found all kinds of ways
to get my black box with the silver switches
and buttons.
Sometimes I just wished
for the box to come to me.
and we went places together.
Other times
I wished for something
and without even waiting for me to wish for it
my box came and helped me.
You see,
I love hot beaches
I love to walk on a hot beach
the sun hot on my back
the sea cool under my feet
and I grow thirsty
as I walk.
The sun hot
the sea cool
my mouth begins to dry out
so I wish for something
to wet those dry lips
something icy
something to lick
a lolly to lick
so with the sun hot on my back
the sea wet on my feet
I want
a lolly cold on my lips,
and
kerchung!
There’s my black box
silver switches, buttons, levers
and this time
when I see a flap
the flap says, ‘Lolly.’
I lift the flap
I press the button
and the lolly comes into my hand
raspberry
raspberry split
so I can lick
and nibble
with the sun still hot on my back
and the sea still wet on my feet
and my box underneath my arm
then I hear
‘Hey you, I asked you to get dressed
an hour ago’
and the sun goes
the sea goes
the lolly goes
the box goes
and I’m just
sitting in the middle of the floor
with a pair of trousers in my hands.
It was a good friend,
my box,
kept me out of trouble
my box
stayed with me when I was ill
my box.
TODAY I ATE
Today I ate
2 ham sandwiches
4 strawberry cream wafers
&n
bsp; a Pepsi
2 bubblegums
a Cornetto
3 Yorkies
2 chocolate biscuits
3 plain biscuits
a fizzy orange
a hamburger
a plate of chips
and a Pepsi.
At four o’clock I went to bed
at four thirty I was sick.
1 sicked up
a Pepsi
a plate of chips
a hamburger
a fizzy orange
3 plain biscuits
2 chocolate biscuits
3 Yorkies
a Cornetto
two bubblegums
a Pepsi
4 strawberry cream wafers
and 2 ham sandwiches.
Tomorrow I won’t eat
2 ham sandwiches
4 strawberry cream wafers
a Pepsi
2 bubblegums
a Cornetto
3 Yorkies
2 chocolate biscuits
3 plain biscuits
a fizzy orange
a hamburger
a plate of chips
and a Pepsi.
The day after tomorrow
I may have a
Pepsi
I may have a
hamburger
I may have a Cornetto
but not just now thanks…
SNAILS
When my last tadpole died
and my one fish
the loach
disappeared into the middle
of the dark green tank
and never came out again;
When you couldn’t see anything
in there anymore
they all came
my brother
my mum
my dad
and looked at the tank and laughed:
‘Why don’t you clean it out?’
‘Nothing can live in there.’
‘Why do you keep it?’
I knew why.
My oldest and best snail
was in there
climbing up and down the sides
of the tank.
A big brown snail she was
and just recently
not long ago
I had seen some tiny, tiny snails
on the glass
each one smaller than a rice crispie.
They must have come out of the spawn
she laid.
But they didn’t know what I was thinking.
‘What have you got in there, then?’
‘Even the pondweed’s dead.’
‘Snails.’
There was nothing they could say to that…
except laugh their heads off.
DRACULA MASK
Once there was a boy
who was never ever scared.
And he went to a joke shop
and bought a terrible mask.
It looked a bit like a skull
it looked a bit like a Dracula
it looked a bit like a Fiend
and it glowed in the dark.
Green.
It was horrible.
So the boy put the mask on
and ran about all over the place.
He ran up to the big boys next door
and went,
‘Grrrrrrrrr
whoo-hoo whoo-hoo
sssssssssss…’
and they laughed.
So he went to the park
and there were some ducks
and so he went,
‘Grrrrrrrrrrr
whoo-hoo whoo-hoo
sssssssss…’
and the ducks swam slowly round and round and round
looking for bits of bread.
So he went up to his dad
and went,
‘Grrrrrrrrrrr
whoo-hoo whoo-hoo
sssssssss…’
and his dad looked at him and said,
‘We should have brought some bread for the ducks.’
So he rushed up to
a big
woolly
mongrel
dog
and went,
‘Grrrrrrrr
whoo-hoo whoo-hoo whoo-hoo
sssssssss…’
and the dog went,
‘Wuff wuff wuff,’
very loudly
and rushed at that
green Dracula skull fiend
and tried to bite its head off.
And the green Dracula skull fiend ran
and the green Dracula skull fiend screamed,
it went,
‘Daddy Daddy Daddy
help me help me help me.’
So,
it can be very very scarey
trying to make
a big woolly mongrel dog
very very scared…
When Harrybo was really happy about something
when he was really pleased
he used to go,
‘Goody goody gumdrops
save me when my bum pops.’
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