by C. Desir
“Wipe your mouth,” Kyle said under his breath.
“What?”
“Lipstick.”
“Oh. Shit.” I rubbed it on the bottom of my tank, so when the moms came onto the porch, I was still wiping my lips, and Kyle was staring at my stomach.
“Kyle.” Even from here I knew Lila’s mouth was locked in her thin smile.
“Hi. Um . . .” He cleared his throat and rubbed his hands on his thighs a few times. “Hailey asked if I’d drop by.”
It all was awkward, and needed to be over, but probably worked in my favor, because Kyle was a lot easier to bring home to the moms than Chaz. It wouldn’t be horrible if they thought Kyle and I had been making out on the porch. I stood up and grabbed Kyle by the arm until he stood next to me. “Kyle’s doing a fear list with me.”
They were still half frowning. Not good.
Think. Think. Think.
“You know. Fear list. Like mine. Therapeutic,” I choked out.
He was smart enough to hold up my list for them to see. The problem was they were nice enough to let me keep my list private, and then I realized that maybe it wasn’t cool that he could see it, and they couldn’t.
Rox readjusted her grip on the grocery bags before opening the front door. “We’re going to get started on dinner. You’re welcome to stay, Kyle.”
“They want to grill you,” I warned.
“Oh.” He stared down.
“We won’t grill you, Kyle,” Lila said.
“We’re going to my room.” I pulled him inside behind Rox.
Kyle’s face turned red.
Lila pointed to the downstairs. “Keep the door open.”
Kyle looked again like he wanted the floor to swallow him.
“Lila. Seriously. My bed squeaks. I’m smart enough to make sure you’re not home. Give me some credit.” I smirked.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love embarrassing Kyle.
“Jesus. Hailey. Don’t.” But that was all he could get out. It was like the blood rushing to his face drew the air from his lungs. Hilarious. Definitely worth doing again.
“Hailey. Mildred. Bosler.” Lila’s eyes widened.
“Ahhh!!” I screamed, holding my hand up between us, but kind of laughing too. “You win. I think I’ve been punished enough.”
I ran down the stairs, dragging Kyle with me.
“Why did you do that?” Kyle asked as I pulled him into my room and shut the door behind us.
“Do what?” Even though I knew perfectly well what he meant, I wanted him to say it. Probably because I’m meaner than I should be, but also because it’d be good for him.
He stood for a minute, taking in my room. My plain white walls. I’m sure he expected something different, but the plainness relaxed me. There would be nothing to miss when I couldn’t see anymore. Hence Painting near the top of my fear list.
“Ever been in a girl’s room before?” I teased as I elbowed his side.
He shook his head and took a step away from me. “Fear of paint?”
“Not a fear of paint. A fear of falling in love with whatever I do in my room and not being able to appreciate it when I can’t see.”
Kyle nodded, processing probably.
“It’s a rush, though,” I said. “Crossing something off your list. Especially when you’re not sure what to tackle and how to do it. Like the paint? How do I take care of that?”
Kyle shrugged.
“Well, you think on it. But trust me, if you haven’t crossed something off yet, look forward to it.” It felt like control. Conquering. Strength.
He turned a half circle as if waiting for my room to turn into whatever picture he’d had in his head. That same afternoon, I hadn’t even let Chaz in the house, but now . . . Kyle stood in my room, and it didn’t feel weird or otherworldly like Chaz had. Chaz had expectations. Kyle was easier.
“So. You know I trust you, Kyle. We could do it. I mean, I’d have sex with you.” I was half-joking, but it would be a simple, albeit awkward, cross off the list. Might be nice to get another one behind me. And Chaz might expect something different or fancy or experienced. Kyle would probably be on overload with being naked—assuming we stripped all the way down for it.
“Wha . . .” A million new shades of red hit his face. Or new to me. At any rate, I could tell he was seriously blushing. And his breath had gotten sort of raspy. “Jesus Christ. Are you serious? You said that out loud.”
“Yeah, I know. But it’s sort of an easy mark off the list. It’s going to be awkward and weird no matter what, right? You and I could get it over with.” I stepped forward and flattened my hand on his stomach. Then I realized it might be the furthest he’d ever gone with a girl and laughed.
“We’re not going to . . . you know . . .”
Silence.
“Have sex?” I waited for him to blush more or walk away.
He shook his head like he didn’t know what to do with me. Probably he didn’t. The unbearable quiet made me push him further. How could he stand all the not-talking?
“What if we did?” I stood closer, facing him, putting my hands on his sides, more serious now. It didn’t feel as weird as I thought it might to be so close. Probably having sex with Kyle wouldn’t be half-bad. I bet he’d be really sweet about it, and it wasn’t like Chaz and I were totally exclusive or anything. I didn’t think.
“No.” He squirmed under my hands. “Hailey.”
“Think about it.” I dropped my hands, and he immediately relaxed.
“Aren’t you supposed to want it to be special or something? You barely know me.”
“I’m a realist.” I sat on the floor, giving him some space.
I wanted to hang out for a bit longer, and I knew he’d walk if I kept harassing him. Though maybe having to pass both moms upstairs would be enough to keep him in my room.
“Look, I’m not trying to be a dick, but it’s a little insulting that you’re suggesting we have sex when you just had your tongue down another guy’s throat.” He sat a few feet away, crossing his legs, and leaning forward enough to rest his elbows on his knees.
“Point taken. I wasn’t trying to insult you. But this . . .” I leaned over to plant a kiss on his cheek. “This is why we’re going to be friends.”
Kyle didn’t move.
“So. Anyway. I’m still adding to my list. I mean, ‘Spiders’ is pathetic, but I can’t see them well, and they’re fast. I have no idea how to cross it off, you know?”
He nodded.
“Doesn’t have to be a huge fear to be on the list. Sometimes you need little things to cross off so you feel like you’re doing something.” I grabbed his arm. “Oh! Tess said she had an idea for that one. The spider thing. We could totally do it together.”
“Um . . . that’s not on my list. And I’m not sure how someone gets over a fear of spiders.”
“You don’t have to get over it, just conquer it.” I shifted slightly closer to him. “What’s on your list?” I asked as I took my folded-up list back from him. He could skim the rest later. Maybe.
“I . . . uh . . .”
He was totally bailing on me. Or backing out.
“No way, Kyle. I show you mine, you show me yours, remember?”
He scratched his head a few times, and I almost snatched his pack, but he opened it and slid out a notebook.
A big part of me didn’t think he’d do it.
“I don’t . . .” He held the notebook. Clutched it.
I snatched it and flipped through. Page after page of tiny writing. My jaw dropped. “Ho-ly . . . Did you do all of this?”
He grabbed it back before there was any chance of me focusing on his tiny script, and pulled a page from the back. But the single page seemed like nothing compared to the nearly filled notebook.
“What is all that?”
He scowled. “Do you want the list or not?”
“Wow, Kyle. You really don’t want me seeing that. That’s your writing, huh? I’m proud of
you for sticking up for yourself like that.”
“So . . . uh . . . the list.”
I started to reach for the paper, but wondered how long it’d take me to read his writing. “Go ahead. You can read it.”
He cleared his throat, and then we sat in silence.
Silence. Silence. Silence.
“I’m not asking you to sing it, Kyle. Read already.” Don’t make me admit to you that I don’t think I can.
“Learntodriveastick. Askforaletter ofrecfrom ateacherat-school. Getthenumberof agirl in history. TalktoPavel about freshman . . .”
But he stopped.
We sat in silence for another moment, until I couldn’t handle it anymore.
“You like a girl? No wonder you won’t have sex with me.” I grinned. “She’d better get how cool you are.”
He stared down, and the paper shook a bit.
“I don’t see why driving a stick would be scary; cars are almost never sticks anymore, so why would you even worry about learning? But whatever, that’s cool. . . . At least you could cross it off, you know? Maybe it has more to do with you being afraid of not having that skill. Which, again, you don’t need, but sure, fine. I can appreciate that. I mean, driving’s sort of out altogether for me, so . . .” I wanted to give him hell over the list, but I couldn’t. I hated it when I knew I’d be crossing a boundary and made myself stop. It went against everything Hailey.
“And you should put ‘Making a friend’ on there, and then cross it off.” I kicked his foot with mine.
He nodded once. Geez, Kyle. Always with the nodding.
“So. What happened with Pavel?”
Chapter Fifteen: Kyle
I sort of expected it. I’d put it on the list and I’d brought the list over, even if I didn’t think I was going to share it. And I said it out loud, even though I didn’t say everything on the list. But there, in that minute, in her room, the words choked me worse than they ever had. Her big blinking eyes behind her glasses as thick as Coke bottles. It was sort of too much. Too much brokenness, and I wasn’t ready to admit I sucked as Pavel’s friend.
“It’s not really my story to tell,” I said.
“Screw that. You put it on your list, and you wanna talk to him about it. So start with me. It’s easier. And I don’t know Pavel, so it won’t mean anything to me.”
I stared at her long legs leading into her boots. Girl-band boots. Ass-kicking and sexy all at once. Boots with a cut-off skirt and tank top. Jesus, what was she trying to prove with this Chaz? My hands shoved themselves into my pockets and balled into fists. Awkward with how I was sitting, but I didn’t want her to see them shaking so bad.
“I don’t know where to start,” I managed to choke out. Everything was too thick, heavy and warm and loaded. Her sad white walls almost burned my retinas, and I eyed the door for my escape. Flashes of Pavel pushed into my brain, and I blinked over and over. Maybe holding back tears.
Then I was talking. More than I’d talked to anyone. Blurting out the story of Pavel being on varsity soccer because he was so good as a freshman, had played in Russia since he was three, and the guys who came into the locker room with ski masks on and held him down and rammed a plunger up his ass and made me watch while I screamed. While Pavel screamed. While they laughed and I fought and got the shit kicked out of me. And Pavel shut down and stopped moving and I screamed louder and bled more.
Hailey pulled a thin, worn blanket around the two of us, wrapped her arms around me, and cried. Said it was the blanket that saved her as a kid. That still saved her when everything sucked. Told me I was a good fucking friend, even though I was actually worthless. She squeezed me so tight I thought I’d stop breathing and fall off the world and into her and it would finally, finally be okay, because sometimes people needed to be held so hard they hurt.
“Fuck, Kyle,” she said eventually. “And you guys haven’t talked about it?”
I shook my head because all the words were gone now. I had nothing else to give. Her arms loosened, but the blanket still rested over our shoulders.
“How is he now?” she said after I’d sopped her shirt with tears that I didn’t really deserve to shed.
I choke-laughed. “He’s Pavel. That’s the thing. He’s Pavel. He’s fine, as if this was just another thing he had to deal with. It was totally messed up and he was in the hospital and his parents pulled him from school and he has to help teach his little sisters and everything. But he’s fine. He reads Cosmo and wishes for girls and he’s fine. I don’t get it. I’m a wreck and Pavel is fine.”
She put her hands on both my cheeks. I squeezed my eyes shut so that I wouldn’t have to look at her beautiful broken eyes. But she tapped her finger along my jaw until I opened them and she released her warm breath along my face.
“This was good, Kyle. Hard. But good that you told me. And maybe Pavel is fine. Maybe he’s not and he needs you to be a better friend. Show up more. Be present, you know? Talk.” She smirked a little.
I nodded. He did deserve it. Deserved more than that.
She leaned forward and kissed my cheek. “But he wasn’t the only victim in this shit. You were too.”
I shook my head. “Nothing. Nothing happened to me.”
She clucked her tongue and brushed a tear off my cheek. We were too close. I needed to extricate myself. From her warmth and her smell and her beautiful eyes. I shifted back, out from beneath the blanket, and she let me go.
“Something did happen to you. But now it’s out. And I know. You’ve told a friend. And, holy hell, I can’t believe you couldn’t tell me your name when I first asked, and you trusted me with that.” She paused, but only for a sec. “What happened to the guys? Do I want to know?”
“What you’d expect. Nothing. No one copped to it. School buried it. I didn’t want to keep fighting. Pavel’s parents didn’t want to be a spectacle. They never talk about it, I don’t think. My mom . . .” I shrugged. Didn’t really know how to explain “got worse.”
She pressed her glasses back up her face and nodded. “Yeah. So everyone at school turned a blind eye and that’s why your face was messed up the other day?”
“Yep. Easy prey. Marked.”
Before she could say anything more, her dark-haired mom popped her head into the doorway. No knock, just a click, and then she was there.
“Dinner in five. Kyle, you sure you don’t want to stay?”
I swiped at my face and Hailey rolled the blanket into a ball. “Nah. I’ve got a lot of homework. I’ve been here too long anyway. Thanks, though.”
She nodded and gave Hailey a pointed look. “Say your good-byes, then. And next time, keep the door open when your boyfriend’s over.”
I laughed. “I’m hardly her boyfriend. She’s got Chaz.”
Hailey kicked me. Hard. Crap. They didn’t know about Chaz. Of course. I should have considered it. Older guy. Bouncer. Even cool lesbian moms couldn’t get behind something like that.
“I thought Chaz was Tess’s guy?” her mom said.
“Well . . .” Hailey did the deer-in-headlights thing again, and if I was at all capable of it, I would’ve smiled at how funny she was with her moms. So different than she was with me or anyone else.
Her mom looked at me, but I dropped my gaze to my feet and kept my mouth shut. Easy for me—safe, familiar.
“Are you absolutely sure you can’t stay for dinner?” her mom asked again, and I shook my head. I wanted to, but I didn’t have the energy for a family dinner, particularly one that would clearly involve grilling. It’d been months since Mom and I had eaten together. I couldn’t stand the thought of Hailey’s sympathetic eyes blinking at me through an entire meal. Plus, after everything, the least I could do was call Pavel. Say something. Even if it didn’t really mean anything to him now, too many years later.
“No. Thank you, though.”
She nodded and pointed to Hailey before holding her five fingers out and signaling upstairs.
“Sorry,” I mumbled as soon as she
had left.
Hailey let out a loud sigh and flopped against the side of her bed. “I probably should have mentioned the moms don’t know about Chaz. It’s kind of code not to talk about personal stuff with other people’s parents, but I guess you don’t have much experience with that sort of thing, huh?”
“I’ve talked more in the last half hour than I have in the last month,” I said.
“Yeah. I believe that. You should do more of it. Talking. You have a nice voice. It’d be a good deejay voice. How many times do I need to say this before you do something about it?” She leaned forward, staring.
When I didn’t say anything, she shrugged and wrapped her hand into mine. “Okay, then, Friend Kyle. Lots of shit to process today. I’m glad you brought your list over. And I want to discuss this writing thing of yours someday soon. And keep at the list. Add more stuff.”
“We haven’t talked about all of yours. Maybe I could help with . . . I mean, not the sex thing.” Though at the moment, I couldn’t think of one damn thing I wanted more. “But other stuff.”
“I’m gonna get back to you on the spider thing.” She squeezed my hand again and still didn’t drop it. “And, you know, even if I offended you, the sex thing remains on the table.”
I swallowed. She had no idea what she was saying. My stomach tied itself into a huge knot. I was such an amateur with girls. Dick-shifting Chaz had way more experience than me. I’d end up disappointing Hailey. I wanted to have sex with her so much my junk nearly hopped when I thought about it. But the practical side of me understood my limitations better than anyone.
“Well, until I find the guts to go somewhere else, or it happens in the moment . . . ,” she continued with a shrug. “I get that you’re one of those guys who think girls want it to be special, but I’m pretty sure I don’t care. Not for the first one. Maybe after I get good at it, I’ll care. I don’t know. Anyway. Point is, if you want, I’d have sex with you. You’d be a good candidate. Probably not an asshole about it. And you wouldn’t care if I did it all wrong because you’d be in the same boat. I bet you’d even give me a card or something afterward.”
A card? This girl. I shook my head. “I . . . I don’t think so, Hailey. But thanks.”