by C. Desir
Kyle—it’s bullshit that your voice isn’t on the radio. Put it on the damn list and do it next year. No one there knows you. Don’t be a mumbling asshole.
Hailey
Chapter Thirty-One: Kyle
I had a summer job. Unbelievably, I’d gotten a job at the library. Last year’s volunteering paid off, and they called me. I didn’t even have to apply anywhere else. And with my mom the worst I’d ever seen her, overmedicating and spending so much time on the couch when she wasn’t at work, I needed to be out of the house in the worst way. The library was the one thing in the whole shit summer that wasn’t terrible.
Okay, one of two things that weren’t terrible.
“Kyle, my friend, we need to practice the stick shift,” Pavel said as I was clocking out of the library one afternoon. “You only did it a few times.”
“Thought you could only stand listening to me strip your clutch for so long.” I followed him out to his family VW van in the parking lot.
“No. No. Zig Ziglar says, ‘You can have anything you want in life if you will help enough other people get what they want.’ I think I’m not having success finding a lover because I haven’t helped you enough. So hop in.”
I slid into the passenger’s seat and fastened my seat belt. Probably I wasn’t great at driving stick because Pavel drove as if no one else was on the road. He punched it out of the lot and I winced at the squeaking brakes behind us.
“Your hair’s different,” I said. Trendy. Cut short on the sides and left long on top. Both Pavel and not, at the same time.
He touched the sides quickly. “All for the ladies. I need to make a new profile picture. For that I needed the kind of hair to make the ladies swoon.”
Of course this would be something he’d read somewhere.
“I don’t think your success with the ladies should be contingent on me mastering stick-shift driving. Or your hair, for that matter.”
He smacked me on the shoulder. “But it is. I have found an app. Cosmopolitan told me about it. It’s called Tinder. All the ladies look for their lovers on this. But so far, they have not wanted to meet. I think maybe it’s because I haven’t proven myself a good friend to you. So this, and a new avatar, and I’ll be in. I know it.”
Jesus. Pavel was a good friend. He was a fucking great friend. I was the shitty one in this relationship. I opened my mouth, but he waved his hand. “No. No. No. None of that. We’re practicing driving, and you’ll tell me what happened to Hailey. She’s not around anymore. You two are possibly star-crossed lovers?”
“No. Not lovers at all. We could have been. But she met my mom, and that didn’t go well.”
Pavel frowned and shifted from second to fifth. The van lurched. “So she has broken your heart because of your mom?”
I rubbed the back of my neck. “No. Not exactly. We worked that out, but then there was prom with Mariah and her. And I was a dick to both of them, really.”
Pavel’s eyes widened. “Brother. You took two ladies to prom? That’s a varsity move in Cosmopolitan. I’m proud of you, though maybe you leveled up a bit early?”
I laughed. Nothing seemed like a disaster around Pavel. The van could be on fire and he’d keep going and making the best of it. “Yeah. Probably. I mean, I might have pulled it off. Might have been able to come clean about everything with Hailey, but then I got in a fight with my mom. A really bad one. And I realized . . .”
Downshift back to second. Jesus, I wasn’t the only one hard on his clutch. “You realized . . . ?”
“I’m not good enough for her yet. I have the list to finish. And I want to be worthy of her.”
Pavel nodded. “Well, brother, that is admirable, but we are men. Cosmopolitan says that men are mostly dumb and it is the lady’s job to help us. I don’t think you need to be perfect for Hailey.”
“You’re wrong. I do. Because otherwise she won’t keep me. She may start out with me and maybe even kiss me, but then when she realizes I’m such a fucking mess, she’ll throw me out the door, and I don’t think I could take it. Like then maybe the last piece of me will break off.”
“So much poetry. You could be Russian. But this is crap. Because you’re doing nothing now, and you have no one anyway. It would be better for you to say something. Apologize for trying to level up with two girls.” He waved vaguely, and the van veered right.
“Maybe. I mean, I did apologize.”
“Then what?” He turned too late into the cemetery parking lot, and the van choked and died. At least we weren’t moving anymore.
“Then nothing. She told me I knew where to find her and walked out.”
He shook his head. “You get in your own way, my friend. All the time. She wants you to find her. So we’ll find her. Maybe double-date once I have my Tinder lover?”
I snorted. “Yeah. Maybe then.”
“You need to make a grand gesture. Bring flowers and chocolates. Or Russian pastries. Surprise her. Perhaps her band will play? You should go see her.” His eyes danced with excitement. Pavel was plenty expressive when he wanted to be. “I’ll help you.”
I thought about the email she’d sent. About being on the radio. How it would knock something off my list, get me closer to her, and be a grand gesture all at once. But the idea of it paralyzed me. Pavel was right. I always got in my own way.
“I could probably use your help,” I admitted.
Pavel smacked the van ceiling three times. “Yes. Yes. Yes. I will be a good friend and you will get your lady back and I will get a Tinder lady because I am sensitive and good and have great hair.”
“You probably don’t need me for that. You’re sensitive and good anyway.”
He lifted a shoulder and for the first time in a long time, I saw a little of the Pavel from before. From after the locker room and before all the Zig Ziglar stuff. The broken Pavel. When he was doing everything he could to make it through the day. “I don’t think I’ll be going to college this fall. The money is too much. We need it for my sisters. And my parents don’t think it is safe. So I’ll still be here. You’re leaving. It would be good if I had someone else.”
“You deserve a better friend than me, Pavel. You always have.”
“No. I deserve more friends, not a better friend. You are the very best. But I want to see other people than my sisters. And you may make new college friends.”
I nodded. “Okay. Hand me your phone and explain how Tinder works.”
His eyes lit up again. Hope was a good thing for him. “Yes. This is why you’re the best friend. Good wingman.”
Chapter Thirty-Two: Hailey
Mira came home from Culver for the summer totally different—no more black clothes or heavy makeup; she was more Gwen Stefani pinup girl now—but musically completely on her game. All she wanted to do was play with us again. We played for hours, almost every day. Tess was trying desperately to save enough money to get out of her house the moment she graduated next year, and I mostly tried not to think about Kyle or eyesight.
We landed a gig opening for a band from New York—Physicality. An out-of-state-band that was like Milky Chance meets Audioslave. In other words—different and awesome. I was amped.
When Annalise heard that I was opening—through Lila, most likely—she begged to come and be our lackey if she could sit with us backstage. Cool girl that the moms already liked, with green hair? I was in.
◊ ◊ ◊
“So, I swore off guys for all of last year,” I told Annalise as I adjusted levels on my amp. Plucking strings, turning knobs. The worse my eyes got, the better my ears got, and it was taking me forever to get the tuning right. The room was practically black, only a few white lights were on to help us set up.
“Really?” Annalise sat cross-legged on the stage in front of me. In jeans and boots—normal clothes. I really wanted to make a note of that to Lila.
“Yeah. I’ve kind of decided guys are assholes, and I don’t know if I want to deal with them anymore, but at the same time, I’m no
t sure I’m into girls either. Like maybe I’m just politically signing off of guys.”
“Oh.”
“I’m glad you came with me, but I didn’t want to, like, lead you on or anything.” I sang a few bars into the mic as my fingers plucked their way down the strings.
“Did Lila tell you I’m into girls?” Her head cocked to the side, and the green hair really glowed under the lights.
I laughed. “I have two moms. It’s not hard to figure out.”
“And so you also know that I think you’re pretty?” Her eyes stayed focused on me.
“If you’re interested in me, say so.” I kept my eyes on the black nothing of the seating and plucked a few more strings.
“I’m interested in you.” No hesitation. No pause.
I wanted to scream, Fuck you, Kyle, into the mic.
“Okay, but I’m not sure, is all. I mean, there’s no point in leading you on, or starting something I’m not into.” I played through the riff of our first song. Tuning felt perfect. Finally.
“I know.” She shrugged. “Doesn’t mean I don’t like the view.” Her smile was wide and open, and she leaned back on her hands to see me from her spot on the stage, and damn if the girl didn’t seriously make me blush.
“Okay. Are we done with the lovefest over there? Because I’d like to be offstage when this place starts to fill up.” Mira put her hands on her hips. Even with a black backdrop, I could see that.
“You want me to walk you to the mic when we come out?” Tess asked quietly as I set my guitar on its stand and made my way backstage.
I stepped carefully, knowing there were black wires on the black-painted stage.
“I’ll do it.” Annalise cut in as she held her arm out for me to take. “Since Hailey’s still trying to figure out where she falls on the whole gay–straight spectrum.”
“I’m only trying to avoid assholes for now.” I laughed.
“I can help with that.” Annalise bumped her hip against mine.
And it was odd walking next to her, knowing she was looking at me in a certain way, and still not being sure how I felt about it. But at least I knew what she wanted. After spending so much time around someone whose wants were always a mystery, she might actually be perfect.
◊ ◊ ◊
The show was the biggest we’d ever played. Mira had all this pent-up pissed-off anger, maybe from ditching her black uniform and becoming a Culver girl. Tess had been sacked from her nannying job for swearing too much and getting caught calling the kids “spawn,” and I was beyond pissed at MIA Kyle. At myself. At my eyes. It all added up to some really kick-ass girl-rock music.
The moms came, but they were good about staying off to the side. After their not listening to me play for the secret gigs that Chaz got me, I figured I owed them and wasn’t even a pain in the ass about them coming.
Nothing beats standing in front of a pumped crowd. Nothing. We rocked. I felt every song. Every strum of my guitar, every solo. And we weren’t perfect, but that crowd was there to have fun, and so were we.
The girls and I actually shared this sort of girly hug after our set, which we usually don’t do on principle, but we were too high from our performance to give a shit.
The moms gave me the whole “not too late” thing, and “you were fabulous” thing, before heading for home. I wasn’t going to miss a minute of Physicality. Especially since I got to watch from backstage. Hard-core rock I loved. Their set was over far too soon, and the crowd started to disperse.
Instead of riding with the band, Annalise offered to walk me home, which seemed like a sort of perfect way to end the night. Her arm wrapped around me, and she gave me a quick kiss on my cheek as we started toward my house.
“Can I for-real kiss you?” she asked, the engine noise from the cars leaving the parking lot echoing around us.
I stopped, turned my head, and brushed my lips against hers. I had seen Rox and Lila kiss about a thousand times but had never really thought about kissing a girl. It wasn’t much different from kissing a guy aside from her being actually nice. Though maybe Chaz wasn’t the best person to compare kisses with.
“Okay?” she asked.
I nodded.
She was cool warning me about steps and cracks in the sidewalk without being weird, and what normally would have been a crap walk home in the dark ended up being a sort of adventure.
“Thanks for letting me come.” Annalise smiled her open smile again as we stood outside the door to my house. After she’d walked me home. And said she liked the view. And that she was interested in me. Because she was the kind of person who was open enough to talk, so I knew what she wanted, and could sort out what I wanted with all the right information.
It was all very actual-real-first-date-ish, and that made it sort of fun. But odd. And good. I thought. Nervous tingles floated through my stomach and chest.
“Thanks for the help.” It was stupid, but I didn’t know how to talk to a girl who was into me. Was it supposed to be the same as with a guy? Different? Should I want her hands all over me? Because I still wasn’t sure.
“Don’t stress so much, Hailey. It doesn’t suit you.”
“I know.” I ran my hands through my hair, trying to relax, and then her lips were on mine again.
Soft, warm, slow. Her hand rested on the back of my neck, holding us together.
Our foreheads touched, and her breath brushed across my cheek when she spoke. “I want to kiss you more.”
I took a hard swallow and we kissed again. Deeper, softer, longer.
Okay, so it was nice. She was so soft, and it wasn’t like Chaz, who’d rammed his tongue into my mouth—it was like she wanted to actually taste me. And so we tasted each other. A lot. I’d missed being close to someone after my year of no guys.
Her eyes opened as she pulled away, keeping us close. “Any more ideas on where you fall yet?”
I shook my head, too confused to speak. It was good. Really good. If any girl would sway me, it would probably be her.
“Maybe we could go out again?” she asked. “While you sort it out?”
I nodded.
Hell. I’d turned into Kyle. That wasn’t going to happen.
“If you can handle my bullshit and not being sure if I even like . . .” Kissing girls. But it was nice to kiss her. It wasn’t fire-spreading-through-my-body-want-more, but maybe that was part of being with assholes, and I was trying to avoid them. Actually, I wasn’t trying. I was determined.
I was also determined to spend more time at the Art Institute, and maybe travel a little to check some things off my “to see” list instead of the fear list. She didn’t need to know I was working on the bucket part of my list. But looking at art and boating on the lake felt like fun things I’d do with friends or on a date.
“Yeah. Let’s do it,” I said. “Let’s go out again.”
Chapter Thirty-Three: Kyle
I hadn’t seen Hailey since I’d watched her at the concert. And then found her outside, only to see her kissing a girl. My intestines tied into a thousand knots when I saw them, but I turned away, tossed Pavel’s stupid flowers and Russian pastries in the trash, and walked home. That was my life. The girl I couldn’t stop thinking about, couldn’t have, didn’t deserve, had gone from maybe one day to never in one girl kiss.
I went to Northwestern and my roommate never showed up. Our names were plastered on the dorm door and he never showed. For ten days. I asked my RA, but no one knew anything. So I was alone in my dorm room. Like I’d been alone at home. And after two weeks, I started to wonder how anything was different and if maybe I should move home and commute to campus.
But then Pavel moved in. It was all sort of unbelievable. Out of a movie, but of course it would be—it was Pavel.
I screamed like a five-year-old girl when I found him in my room. And even he couldn’t hide a real smile. Something cracked open inside me and I almost hugged him.
“What the hell are you doing here?”
�
��Kyle, my brother, we are roommates.”
“What?”
He jumped off the bed and did a weird spin. “We are roommates. I am enrolled in Northwestern now.”
So many thoughts spun out I couldn’t hang on to any of them. “Your parents are letting you go to college?”
“Yes. Zig Ziglar convinced them with his talk of embracing the future and maximizing potential.”
I dropped my bag onto my bed. “You’re late. School started a few weeks ago.”
He nodded. “Yes. It took some time working out the cost. But then I got a benefactor.”
I laughed. “A what?”
He clapped his hands together once. “A benefactor. He will pay for Northwestern.”
I blinked. “The whole thing?”
“Most of it. My parents will help a little too.”
“A benefactor sounds a little dicey. What’s the catch?”
He shook his head. “What is that?”
I snorted. Pavel could name every part of the female anatomy but somehow had missed out on the phrase “What’s the catch?” “What do you have to do for your benefactor?”
“I have to tour high schools and talk about bullying and positive thinking. It is very good because I know about those things.”
I gaped at Pavel. Of course. Of frickin’ course. It’s not like Pavel had a charmed life, but still, he was the kind of kid who turned a homeschool shit spiral into college tuition.
“And how the hell did you end up in my room?”
He jumped on his bed and bounced up and down like a kid. I’d never seen Pavel show this much enthusiasm for anything. Even the ladies. “This is God helping us with unexpected providence. Or perhaps we are getting our due. The man in charge of the resident halls said they were full up, but someone didn’t arrive so I could have his spot. He gave me the keys. And then I saw your posters.” He waved his arms at my wall. “And I thought, This is my friend Kyle.”
I reclined on my bed, my legs dangling off the side and Pavel still jumping next to me. For the first time in weeks, since I’d seen Hailey in a girl kiss, really, I felt like I could actually breathe.