“You make me sound to be Jekyll and Hyde.”
“Very British,” she agreed. “Let’s make the cabbie drop us at the pond, so we can watch the ducks.”
“What are you up to?”
“I told you. Gathering clues.”
The park teemed with people, children carrying balloons, musicians playing, couples lying in the grass, heads pillowed on each other as they read, cops riding by on glossy horses. All of it a circuslike atmosphere that infected him with a foreign sense of giddiness. As they returned to the lower end, near the duck pond, he asked the cabbie to stop and tipped him, though the man gave him a black look.
“You should be ashamed of yourself,” the cabbie muttered.
“Why’s that?” Amber nipped up, inserting herself under Alec’s arm.
“You should be more careful, sweetheart. How old are you, anyway?”
“Are you planning to card me?” She’d gone from gamine to ice queen in a flash, staring the man down. “Oh, wait—I know! Instead of that, you can just mind your own fucking business. And watch that assumption thing. You know what it does.” She slapped her hip. “Except I think you’re the only ass here.”
“That was hardly necessary,” Alec said as they walked down the grassy bank.
She took his hand and picked a bench overlooking the lake. “You’re the polite one in this relationship.”
“And you my defender?”
“I don’t like anyone trying to make you feel bad about us.” She cast him a long look. “You do enough of that on your own.”
“He was jealous, darling.”
She brightened. “You think so?”
It made him laugh, surprising, since the incident did rankle. “Undoubtedly. As I predicted, I am the envy of every man we encounter.”
“Good. I want you to be proud to be seen with me.” She turned to him and searched his face. “You’re not going broody on me, are you?”
“Is that dark Alec?”
“Connected, but not the same, I think. However, I’m willing to offer up my tender flesh for you to take out your frustrations upon.”
“Noble of you.”
“I’m selfless like that.”
“I think we’ll give your tender—and already abused—flesh a bit of time to recover.”
“So much for that promised spanking.”
“Hush.”
“No one can overhear. Besides, I have another plan.”
“Color me terrified.”
“For later. For now we’re digesting that amazing breakfast. And you’re telling me why you got divorced.”
The shock curdled the amazing breakfast in his gut. “I’ll do no such thing.”
“I’ll withhold sex.” She tried to give him a serious look, but couldn’t maintain. “Okay, I need a better threat.” She turned on the bench and draped her legs over his lap. “It’s the elephant in the room that distracts me. I just want to understand more about you.”
“You seem to have me pretty well nailed.”
“I thought that was me.” She smiled impishly, reminding him of how she’d said the same thing the night before. “Look, I’d tell you about mine, but there’s nothing interesting to tell.”
“No? Why no long-term relationships then?” It surprised him that he asked, unaware that it resided still, in the back of his mind. Judging by the look on her face, he’d surprised her, too.
“That’s bothering you?” She toyed with his shirt collar, thoughtful. “I don’t think there’s any one reason. The sex was part of it. I didn’t like it when the guys acted as if what I wanted was messed up. One guy called me a nympho, which pissed me off.”
Hurt her feelings, too. That showed clearly in her eyes. Enough so that he lifted her chin and kissed her softly. “There’s nothing wrong with the way you enjoy sex. You intimidated him.”
“Maybe,” she breathed. “I don’t intimidate you.”
More than she knew, but not in the way she meant. “No. You delight me.”
“Another told me our problem was that I had a hair-trigger orgasm. That was a weird fight.”
“And a sign he had no idea how to handle a woman with your passionate sexuality.”
“See?” She wiggled closer. “You get me. I’m not sure anyone else ever has. I’d say that’s really why no long-term. I think that maybe...” She hesitated.
“What?”
“I think I was waiting for you. You might be it for me, Alec.” She shrugged off the import of her declaration. “Which is why I don’t plan to let you brush me off. Why I want to understand where you’re coming from.”
Staggered, he stared at the water, the same blue as her eyes. Tried to assemble a response to that.
“I mean that in a non-stalkery way,” she added. “I also know I just broke about seventeen different relationship rules by moving too fast, making you feel crowded. That’s probably another reason I haven’t really cemented with another guy—I’m not good at playing games. I’m pretty honest about how I feel.”
He caressed the rounded muscle of her calf, skin so smooth in the sunlight. “I had noticed that about you.”
“Well. I don’t want to screw this up for the wrong reasons, at least.” She tried to sound brisk, but a thread of that insecurity he’d glimpsed ran beneath. “However this works out in the end, at least you know you don’t have to worry about me losing interest and gallivanting off...like your ex-wife did?”
The laugh escaped him and she smiled at having gotten that response. “Do you have a reason to guess that or are you throwing darts blind?”
“Educated guess. It’s pretty clear that she ditched you and since no sane woman would, she did it for a stupid reason. And I think it blindsided you, left you wounded because you never really processed the why of it, so you’ve kind of been quietly hiding from the world.”
“Ah. So you think to trap me in a public setting and force me to bare my soul.”
“You said looking at the water clears your mind, makes you happy. I was mainly thinking of that. You know, you’ve never said her name out loud to me. That might be a place to start.”
“Tessa. Her name was—is—Tessa.”
Amber leaned her elbow on the back of the bench and propped her head on her hand. “Did you do the dom/sub thing with her?”
Utterly relentless, with true concern in her eyes. He stroked the velvety skin of her calves, her lovely, delicate ankles. “We did, yes. It’s not much of a story. At first, we only dabbled, but over time, she became...consumed by certain aspects of it. She quit her job in order to be my slave. Wanted to be kept chained all the time. Gagged and subservient. Every man’s dream. Hardly something for me to cite as the beginning of the end.”
“Was that what you wanted?”
He flicked a glance at her face. She watched him, intent, compassionate. “The money wasn’t a problem by then—I was making plenty for us both.”
“But?”
“Well, it doesn’t make for interesting dinner conversation, does it?” He laughed at himself and focused on her toes. The second much longer that the first, an asymmetry he found vastly appealing. “It’s difficult to explain. But I didn’t want it, no. I wasn’t happy.”
“Because the sex, the kink, was more important to her than you were.”
He hadn’t thought of it that way. “Perhaps so. The other piece was...”
She stroked the back of his neck. “What?”
Did she have any clue still of the devil that crawled through him, voracious and violently consuming? “She had no boundaries left. She’d crossed the border into self-destruction and I became afraid that I would hurt her and she wouldn’t stop me. I couldn’t trust her not to stop me.”
“Oh, Alec. You go dark, yes. But never once have I been a
fraid with you.”
She didn’t know. He cleared his throat. “At any rate, I couldn’t give her what she wanted. She felt I was being obstinate—that I could but wouldn’t. That I refused out of selfishness. Some of the types of imprisonment she craved...they were unsafe. I couldn’t justify them to myself, even if I, personally, had been into those scenarios. I failed her in that.”
“They must have been extreme, if you felt that way.” She raised her eyebrows back at him. “What? We might not have been lovers that long, but I know that you’re a generous one. I know we have the dynamic set up that you pretend to take from me what you want, but I’m well aware how much attention you pay to pleasing me. Like I told you about the suit porn and you put on the suit for me. Even when you’re rough you make sure I’m into it. I suspect you’d go to lengths to fulfill every dirty fantasy I dared to tell you about. It’s also already really clear to me that you’d refuse to do anything that would endanger me. I think it would take something extreme for you to not want to go along with it, for you not to find it hot yourself.”
Such an old brain in her young head. Had he fully realized that about her? “You’re correct—I went along with some, but after a time it felt as if I had become an abstract to her. That I was merely the device for her own head trip. She ceased to be my companion, then stopped being my lover in any interactive sense. She craved the role, not me.” The blue of the lake burned his eyes.
“I’m sorry, Alec.” Amber ran her hand over his hair and brushed the back of his neck. “I can’t imagine how terribly lonely that would have felt.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Lonely.
As usual, she’d seen right through him. He’d thought of himself as lonely since moving to New York, but it had started long before that, hadn’t it? Odd to have that perspective, telling Amber this story he hadn’t fully shared with anyone, not sure why he had. Except that it felt right. Amber’s caressing touch on his neck soothed, her bottom snugged against his leg, skin under his hands. So very present in her physical affection. Funny to think about Tessa and those last years, the remoteness in her face, disconnected even during intense scenes. Perhaps more so at those times.
“So, you told her you wanted out?” Amber prompted softly, making him realize he’d fallen silent in his thoughts.
“No.” It had never occurred to him, in any material way, that their marriage would end. “I proposed a compromise.”
“For her to go elsewhere?”
She nodded when he glanced at her. “It’s very you—and logical. Keep the marriage intact by having her seek the severe kink somewhere else. You implied as much, by saying you’d become the role to her, not her partner or lover. I’m thinking she took the out and kept going?”
“Ah, now there you would be wrong.” Some boaters paddled by, happy, shouting in German at one another. “I hurt her deeply by proposing it.”
“Wow. Really?”
“Yes. I should have known better. In retrospect, I understand. She felt I’d betrayed her and failed her as a husband and dom. Which I had.” You’re only playacting. If you were really my dom, you’d want to keep me to yourself, under lock and key.
“Oh, horseshit.”
“I beg your pardon?”
Amber took a fistful of his shirt and tugged him in for a long, hot kiss that made his head swim even more than retracing the boggy emotional territory had. “God, I love it when you say that. And I cry bullshit on Tessa and her lame excuse.”
“Do explain.”
“Look.” Amber sat up straight, crossing her legs tailor style. “You say you tried to make this work for years, right? How long did she do the slave thing?”
“Just over three years.”
“And what did she do for you during that time?”
“Do? She did everything—the housework, meals, any task I set for her. That was part of it. She wanted tasks and restrictions. I sometimes had to invent things, to keep her busy.”
Amber heard him out, then shook her head. “That’s not what I mean. That was all part of her shtick. All satisfying her fantasy, what she wanted. What about what you wanted—what did she do to give you that?”
He didn’t know how to answer that and Amber raised her brows, nodding. “Exactly. See, she made it seem like she was being your slave, doing all that shit for you, but it was all to indulge herself—and keep you roped into perpetuating her fantasy. When you offered her the out, you blew her hold on you. She thought she had you in the thumbscrews, but you changed the rules and slipped out. I’ll bet she was severely pissed.”
“You could say that.”
“You know what else?”
“Dare I ask?”
“Ha. I think that you subconsciously knew that, too. You hate being pushed around, that’s core dark Alec. You’re also a thoughtful man with a tremendously loving nature, much as you cover that over. You wanted her happy. You needed out of that cycle. So you found a way for her to pull the escape clause, have it be her idea—and freed yourself from that particular hell.”
The way she saw it followed the general lines of what had happened, but put a different color on it all. “I’ll have to think about that. Though it surprises me that you use that metaphor.”
“Hell? Just getting into your métier.” She casually draped her legs over his lap again. “I like having you touch me. I went and read up on Faust last week.”
“Did you now?”
“Yes. Since I couldn’t talk to you, I thought I could at least learn something more about you that way. Interesting choice—the bored and dissatisfied philosopher who surrenders moral integrity for worldly pleasure.”
With her satin skin under his hands and that erotic charge she seemed to stir in him on a constant basis, it seemed particularly apt. “Isn’t that what I’ve done?”
“Depends on the spin. I’m no Gretchen, an innocent whose life will be destroyed.”
“Which remains to be seen...”
“Besides, if anything, I seduced you.”
“Which is not how the world would see it.”
“Yes, well, the world is full of sexism, particularly toward young women. That’s beside the point, however.”
“I wondered if you had one.”
“Don’t be snarky.” She lightly punched his shoulder. “What’s important is which ending you choose.”
“The story ends where he’s condemned to hell for eternity, incidentally discovering it’s been one of his own making.”
“Or—” she gave him a fierce stare, “—he’s saved, both by his own work and through Gretchen’s intervention. There’s lots of ways for this to turn out.”
“Ah.”
“Exactly. Perhaps you need a new metaphor. I have an idea.” She paused, thoughtful.
“Never say you’re not giving voice to what’s on your mind.”
She wrinkled her nose at him. “You would think me amazingly discreet and reserved if you knew all the things I think and don’t say.”
“Terrifying to contemplate.”
“If I ask you a question, will you give me an honest answer?”
He met her earnest gaze. The beautiful and unspoiled Gretchen, willingly consumed by lust. “I have always been honest with you.”
“I know—but you might be tempted to cushion my feelings here, knowing you.”
That sparked his curiosity. He cupped her cheek and rubbed a thumb over her lower lip. “Ask.”
“Do you mind—now that you’ve told me this story, of how it went down with Tessa—does it bother you, what I want from you? The dom/sub kink?”
“Isn’t that why we’re together?”
She frowned, a line between her fine eyebrows. “I wondered if you thought that.”
“It’s true.”
“If anything, it’s what brought us together, but that’s not all of it. Not anymore.”
“Regardless, my honest answer is an emphatic no. Not only do I not mind, you’ve brought the joy of it all back to me. It is part of who I am and I missed it. Bottled it up, as you wisely pointed out.” He took her wrist, wrapped his fingers around it, delighted to feel her quick tremble at the gesture. “I’ll have more, as long as you’ll have me.”
“Okay—here’s my rule then.” She raised her brows, no longer frowning. “Don’t make me pull out my negotiating safeword. I’m leaving that side of things up to you. You set the pace, do what you want to. I’d hate myself if I thought I’d trapped you into some scene you weren’t into.”
“You shouldn’t concern yourself with—”
“With you and your happiness? Too late. Besides, I like it better that way.” She wiggled her bum against his thigh. “Having everything be your idea.”
“All right then.”
“However—don’t sigh like that—I want to do something for you. I need to shop for some supplies. Can I meet you back at your place in a couple of hours?”
“What are you up to?”
“Special surprise. Taboos to tweak. You to do.”
She had that mischievous look, the one that would make him fear indeed for his immortal soul, if he believed in it. No, his damnation was a different sort altogether. If I yank hard enough, dark Alec comes out to play.
“Can I stop you?”
“You may borrow my safewords,” she offered with a benevolent wave of her hand. Then she swung her legs off his lap and stood. “I’m off to shop.”
“Let me give you some money.” He reached for his money clip.
“Eyew. Creepy sugar-daddy vibe with that.”
“Not at all. I’ve ruined several bits of your clothing and promised to make good on them. You must allow me or I shall feel guilty about doing so.”
“You and your guilt. Fine then. If only to ensure you’ll feel free to rip them off in the future.”
Under His Touch Page 24