by Perry, J L
“Chase,” I hear CJ call out. I ignore him. I refuse to let them see me breakdown. My heart feels like it’s in a million pieces right now. “Chase,” I hear him say again. Instead of answering, I straddle my bike, place my helmet on my head and get the fuck out of here.
Fuck her. Fuck everything.
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
One month later…
Logan
“Hi, Hot Stuff,” Brooke says when I walk through the door. Even after all these years, coming home to her is still my favourite part of the day.
“Hi, baby.” I pull her into my arms, placing my lips on hers. “How’s our girl doing today? Any change?”
“No change. I’ve tried everything to get her to open up to me. Nothing works. I’m so worried about her.”
“That makes two of us. Is she still hiding up in her room?”
“No. She actually went for a walk along the beach about an hour ago. I walked out back a few minutes ago and couldn’t see her. I’m glad she’s out in the fresh air. It’ll do her good, but I hope she comes back soon. I’m getting a little concerned.”
“I’m pretty sure I know where she is. Just let me put my briefcase away and I’ll go check on her.” Leaning down, I brush my lips against my wife’s. I think this whole situation is taking its toll on all of us.
Growing up, whenever Angel was sad or troubled, she’d go to the far end of the beach and sit on the rocks overlooking the ocean. I can practically guarantee that’s where she is now.
Pulling off my shoes and socks, I leave them on the back deck. After rolling up the bottom of my suit pants, I make my way across the sand, heading down the beach towards the rocks.
My assumptions are correct. As I approach, I can see her perched on top, looking out across the water.
“Hey, baby,” I say when she turns and sees me standing there, watching her.
“Hey,” she replies, her face emotionless. She turns her head back to look out over the ocean again. Her knees are pulled up against her chest. She looks so lost, so sad, it brings a lump to my throat.
“Do you mind if I sit with you for a while?” I ask as I climb the rock to where she is. She just shrugs. I wish I knew what I could do to bring my Princess back. It kills me to see all the life gone out of her. My once happy, vibrant daughter is no more.
Sitting down beside her, I pull my knees up, resting my forearms on them. I’d like nothing more than to put my arms around my daughter, but going on her actions the past month, I don’t think she would want that. She’s been distant and detached from everyone.
“You’ve always loved it out here,” I state. “This has always been your go-to place when you’re upset or down.” She tilts her face to look at me.
“How do you know that?”
“When you were a little girl, I’d follow you. I’d sit back on the sand hill and watch.” I use my thumb to point behind us. She turns her head and looks. “I didn’t want to disturb you. It’s my way of looking out for you, while giving you the space you needed.” She smiles.
“You did?” she asks. “I never knew that.”
“Yes.” Her smile widens. Even though it’s brief, it makes me happy. It’s the most emotion she’s shown since coming home. “Does being out here help?” She shrugs at my question.
“It used to. I don’t think anything could help me anymore.” Her comment tugs at my heart.
“I’m sorry I tried to come between you and Chase. I can see now, how much he means to you.” Tears rise to her eyes, so I drape my arm over her shoulder and pull her towards me. She stiffens at first before relaxing into me.
“I still love him, daddy. I don’t think I’ll ever stop. He’s it for me. Chase is to me what mum is to you.” That comparison breaks my heart in two. I don’t think I could survive without Brooke, she completes me—she’s my other half, my air.
Suddenly, the depth of what Angel’s going through hits me full-fucking-force. I know I need to do something to help her, help them. Unfortunately, I have no fucking clue what.
I wrap my other arm around her, holding her tight. She cries softly into my chest. It’s the first time I’ve seen her cry since moving back to Sydney. Although I hate to see my little girl upset, I know the tears are a good thing. She needs to let it out. Bottling it up won’t help. She’s so much like her mother. I went through this with Brooke, after Angel was born.
We sit there for the longest time. I’m just holding her. “I want to help you, baby. What can I do?”
“Nothing. There’s nothing anyone can do. So much has happened between Chase and me, daddy. I don’t think we’ll ever be able to get past that.”
“That’s not necessarily true. Things like this can help make you stronger, as a person and as a couple. Your mum and I went through so much in the beginning of our relationship, but we didn’t let it beat us. We refused to let it pull us apart.”
“The kidnapping you mean?”
“Not just that. Has your mum ever told you about what happened the day you were born?” I ask. This is not something I like to rehash, but maybe she needs to hear it.
“No. What happened?”
“Well she almost died.”
“Giving birth to me?” she asks as her beautiful, sad eyes widen in disbelief.
“No not giving birth. She was in an accident that day.”
“What kind of accident?”
“You know how your brother’s named after one of my friends Chris, who died?”
“Yes,” she says looking up at me. After all these years, it’s still hard for me to talk about what happened.
“He was my driver as well as my friend. Your mum was in the car with him. She was heavily pregnant with you. To cut a long story short, they were hit by a drunk driver who ran a red light. Chris was killed instantly. Your mum was hurt pretty bad. She was in a coma for two weeks, on life support.”
“Why have I never heard this story before?”
“Well it was a hard time for us. Your mum blamed herself for Chris’s death. She fell into a deep depression for months after that.” I bow my head as I think of that dark time in our life. “It nearly tore us apart, sweetheart, but in the end we got through it.”
“I’m glad you did.”
“I’m glad we did, too. I’d be lost without your mum.” She gives me a sad smile, and I know she’s thinking about Chase. About everything they’ve lost. “You were two weeks old before your mum got to see you.”
“Really? Who looked after me while mum was in a coma?”
“I did. I’ll admit it was hard. I’d never looked after a baby before,” I chuckle. “I learnt pretty fast though. I didn’t really have a choice.”
“You poor thing. I suppose it would’ve been a little daunting,” she giggles. I tell you, although fleeting, hearing her laugh again is like music to my ears.
“Looking after you, Princess, was no hardship. You were a good baby. To be honest, it actually helped me cope with everything that was going on with your mum at the time. I was so worried I was going to lose her. I think that’s why you and I have always been so close; we bonded early. It’s why I’m so protective of you.”
“I love you, daddy,” she says, wrapping her arms around my waist. “Thank you for everything you’ve done for me over the years. I’m sorry you had to go through that with mum, it must’ve been hard for you. For both of you.”
“I love you too, baby. I hope you and Chase can find your way back to each other.”
“I doubt it,” she sighs.
“Have you spoken with him since being back in Sydney?”
“No, it’s too hard. I’ve avoided all his calls and texts.”
“You can’t avoid him forever, Angel. If you want something bad enough, sometimes you need to fight for it.”
“I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to do that just yet, but I’m trying to find my way back.”
“Well think about what I’ve said. We’re here for you if you need us. Don’t forget that.”
“I know.”
“You coming back to the house?” I ask standing up. “It’s getting cold and your mum should have dinner ready soon.”
“In a little while,” is all she says. I remove my suit jacket and wrap it around her shoulders. “Thank you,” she adds smiling up at me. I know she still has a long way to go, but I’m happy to see a glimmer of my baby girl again. At least I can see she’s trying to find her way out of the darkness.
••••
After making my way back to the house, I search out Brooke. My heart is so heavy for our girl. I can’t help but feel partly responsible for the predicament she’s in now. Maybe not for all that’s happened, but I did play my part in pulling them apart.
“Hey,” Brooke says when I walk into the kitchen. “Is everything okay? Did you find her?”
“Yes, I found her. She was where I thought she’d be. But no, everything’s not okay.” I see panic on her face when she asks that. “I can’t stand to see her like this,” I confess as I wrap my arms around my wife. “We need to do something, babe. We need to try and fix this thing between her and Chase. She’s so lost. I think he’s the only person who can bring our Angel back.”
“I agree. We can’t continue to stand by and do nothing, while our girl is suffering so much. What do you suggest we do?”
“I was thinking about taking a trip down to Melbourne.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Maybe I could have a talk with Chase. See where he stands in all this.”
“Under the circumstances, Hot Stuff, I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
“Why?”
“Your previous talks haven’t gone over so well.”
“I guess. What would you suggest then?” I ask.
“How about I go?”
“I’m not sure how I feel about that.”
“Think about it, it makes perfect sense. We’ve always got on well, plus I think from his perspective, his issues run a little deeper than just Angel. Maybe I can help him get past that as well, or at the very least help him deal with it.”
“You mean with Jake and his mother?”
“Exactly. If anyone can help him understand that part of his life, it’s me.”
••••
Chase
My life has gone to shit. I can’t seem to function properly anymore. I’m lost without my girl. I need her back, so fucking much. The fact she won’t take my calls, or return any of my messages, makes me think that’s never going to happen.
I’ve tried everything short of hauling my arse to Sydney to see her face to face. As desperate as I am to see her, talk to her, I’m scared to take that step. I practically got on my knees and begged her before she left Melbourne, and that didn’t work. The fact I haven’t heard from her in all this time, tells me nothing’s changed.
It’s been a month. For all I know she’s moved on. Forgotten about me. That thought kills me. It makes my shattered heart hurt even more. I can’t bear to think of her with someone else.
Pulling out my phone, I try her number again. It goes to voicemail just like the thousand other calls I’ve made to her. I haven’t tried to contact her family, but I’m desperate for something, anything, even if it’s not what I want to hear.
Searching through my contacts, I pull up CJ’s number. “Hey, bro,” he says when he answers.
“Hey. I’m sorry to call, but I just…”
“You want know how my sis is doing?” he says, finishing off my sentence for me.
“Yeah. She won’t take any of my calls or answer any of my messages. I know I should try and move on with life, but I can’t. I fucking miss her. I’m lost without her. How is she?”
“Not good, bro. She’s distanced herself from all of us. My parents are going out of their fucking mind. We’re all worried about her.” Hearing that makes my chest ache.
“I really hate to involve you in this, but if you get a chance, can you tell her that I love her. I’m here if she ever needs to talk.”
“Sure, I can do that. I’m sorry things turned out like this for you, dude. You would’ve made a cool brother-in-law,” he chuckles.
“Yeah, thanks, mate. I apologise again for calling.”
“Don’t. I hope you both work this out, one way or another.”
“Thanks.”
“Take care.”
“You too,” I say before ending the call. If nothing else, I just want her to know I’m still here for her; that I haven’t given up on us. In time she’ll get past this, I hope. If she’s feeling as lost as I am, then maybe not.
••••
Days pass and I hear nothing from either Angel or CJ. I know I need to let go, but I can’t. As much as I miss her, knowing that she’s still suffering hurts the most. It kills me to know I can’t hold her, help her through this dark time in her life.
Reaching over, I grab my guitar. I haven’t picked it up in weeks. Even though she can’t hear me, I want to sing to her. If nothing else, I can lose myself in the music in the hope of a brief reprieve from this fucking hell I’m now living.
I remember hearing this song years ago, when Pops was in prison. My mum kind of had a thing for Johnny Farnham. At the time, the words suited the fucked up life I was living. I’d never felt as alone as I did in those two years he was locked up. The letters I received from him meant everything to me. It just confirmed what I wanted to believe; he hadn’t forgotten me. I always held out hope that one day we would be together again.
This song kind of became my mantra while he was away. I sung it often. It was my way of reminding myself, no matter how bad I was feeling, that there was a golden sky on my horizon, and I was right. Pops came for me the minute he got out of prison, and my life was never the same.
“This one’s for you, sweet-cheeks,” I whisper as I strum the first note on my guitar. I sing with my heart. I tell her how when she walks through a storm, to hold her head high, and not to be afraid of the dark. That at the end of the storm there’ll be a golden sky. Because I believe that; there always is. To walk through wind and rain even though her dreams are tossed and blown. And most importantly to walk on with hope in her heart. Because truth is, without hope we have nothing. The next words I sing are the ones I really want her to know, that she’ll never walk alone. Because she won’t, she’ll always have me. Always.
“Oh my God, that was beautiful,” I hear when I strum the last note. My head snaps up and I’m shocked to find Brooke standing in the doorway of my bedroom, tears streaming down her face.
“Thanks,” I say as I lean over placing my guitar against the wall beside my bed.
“You have a beautiful voice,” she compliments as she wipes her eyes. “Your dad, I mean Jake, had a nice voice too when he was alive, but yours...” She trails off, not finishing her sentence. “Can I come in?”
“Sure.” I have no idea why’s she’s here. I’m sure it’s not to talk about my loser father after everything he put her through. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t glad to see her though.
“How are you?” she asks when she’s seated beside me. The concern and compassion I see on her face is almost my undoing. I just shrug, not game enough to speak. Needing a moment to pull myself together.
Reaching up, she rubs her hand gently over my back. “By the looks of it, you’re doing about as well as Angel.” Leaning forward, I rest my head in my hands. I feel tears burn my eyes. Fuck. The last thing I want is to break down in front of her.
“Come here, baby,” she says, wrapping her arms around me. It’s nice. It’s been a while since I’ve been held. It’s what I need. I’d give anything to have a mum like Brooke. Not taking anything away from Pops, he’s been great, but he’s definitely not the affectionate type.
She holds me for a while, and once I’ve pulled myself together, she lets go. “I hope you don’t mind me coming here,” she says as she reaches for my hand.
“Not at all. I’m happy to see you again, but I’m also curious as to why.�
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“Two reasons actually. One, I want to talk to you about Jake and everything that happened, but I was also hoping I could convince you to come to Sydney and talk with Angel. We’re so worried about her. I think if anyone can get through to her, you can.”
“I doubt it,” I state. “She won’t even talk to me. I’ve tried countless times.”
“She still loves you, you know. She’s just lost her way.”
“She said that?” I ask, hope igniting within me.
“Yes, a few days ago. She said those exact words to her father.”
“She did?” I feel the corners of my lips turn up. “I love her too, Brooke, so damn much.”
“I know you do. I’ve always thought you were the perfect guy for my little girl.” I turn my head towards her and smile.
“Even after everything my parents put you through?”
“Yes. That had nothing to do with you.”
“It’s a shame your husband doesn’t feel the same way.” Low blow I know, but it’s the truth.
“To be honest, I think he finally does. He feels dreadful for the part he’s played in this whole mess. We both agreed we could no longer stand by and do nothing. He was the one who wanted to come here. Given his history though, I thought it best if I came instead.” She squeezes my hand. “We both want our girl back…the way she used to be before all this happened. Logan and I both feel you’re the only one who can put her back together.”
“I don’t know.” I shrug.
“You don’t want to get back together?” she asks confused.
“I want her more than I want air,” I admit. “I’m just not convinced that’s what she wants. I practically begged her the day she left Melbourne not to leave me, but she left anyway.”
“She left Melbourne because she couldn’t bear to be in that house anymore, Chase. There were too many bad memories. Things she couldn’t cope with. Not only with Riley, but with what happened with the baby.”
“I’ll never forgive myself for that night. I’m still struggling to deal with what happened. I can only imagine how she feels. She’ll probably never get over it.”