The snap of their banter had brought Connie briefly back, only she couldn’t help sliding away from them again. This time to think about what was going to happen. Sally having Julian’s baby. His baby; his blood. A headache started to tug at her temples.
Sara paused. ‘Oh Connie. I’m not good at finding the right words to say.’ She squeezed between Connie and Lizzie, ‘But I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve the little shit.’
Connie looked at the horizon. It was achingly sparse.
‘Have you ever had an affair?’ Sara asked.
Connie gave a closed smile. ‘Why do you ask?’
‘Years ago, I saw you in the bar at the Athenaeum with a hot-looking civil barrister.’
‘I saw you,’ she half-smiled.
‘Connie, I am shocked,’ Lizzie interjected. ‘Did you have an affair?’
Connie had forgotten about that night. ‘For once, I wanted to be the one to walk away. To be able to forget our family, leave it behind as easily as Julian does,’ she paused. ‘For one night, I was single again.’ She breathed in abruptly. ‘But I couldn’t go through with it.’ She looked up wistfully at them. She pointed at Sara, ‘Seeing you reminded me of who I was, for better or worse.’
‘You shouldn’t have let me stop you,’ Sara paused, ‘Julian is unredeemable, Connie. You can’t stay with him this time.’
Connie didn’t reply. She genuinely had no idea what she was going to do. She noticed that Lizzie was quiet. Connie was conscious it was the first time that they had ever asked her about Julian’s affairs.
Connie eyed the horizon. ‘The only difference is this time I’ve been truly violated. He has had sex in my own home with one of my great friends. This woman lived in my house, helped me to bring up my children and shared every aspect of my life, before having a baby with my husband.’
No one spoke. Neither Lizzie nor Sara could comfort her. They couldn’t help her. It was the reason that Connie had never confided in them before. What could even her best friends say?
She brushed imaginary dust off her knees. ‘I don’t know what the answer is.’
The silence was restful. It was a pause before the certain madness of talking to Julian before he left for London. He had booked to take the plane back to Jo’Burg at midday tomorrow.
‘Divorce, Connie.’ Sara stood up and strode to the holdall, pulling out a bottle of water. ‘I can heartily recommend single life.’
Connie squeezed Sara’s arm. ‘You won’t stay single forever, Sara.’
‘Oh please, I wasn’t looking for sympathy. I am thankful to be on my own.’
Connie was surprised that Lizzie didn’t add, what about me? She looked at her. Lizzie looked back at Connie.
‘Okay, I need to get something off my chest.’
‘Lizzie, go on,’ Sara urged, spooning some panna cotta into her mouth.
Lizzie paused.
Connie knew what she was going to say. She smiled for the first time today.
‘I’ve had a sort of crush on Julian. I know, it’s ridiculous and wrong. I am really ashamed. Can you forgive me, Connie? It really matters to me. You and Sara are my best friends. I would hate you both to think badly of me.’
Sara’s laughter was loud and unabated. She seemed unable to stop.
Connie smiled again, she hoped sympathetically. ‘Lizzie, of course I do.’
‘You knew?’ Lizzie said anxiously.
‘You’re a mirror, Lizzie, much as we love you,’ added Sara. ‘The whole group knows.’
‘How embarrassing. Even Luke?’
‘What? Do you fancy Luke as well?’ Sara raised an eyebrow dramatically.
Connie laughed for the first time. It was good to know she could. She took Lizzie’s hand. ‘You need to find a real, normal boyfriend. An available one.’
Unusually, Lizzie was keen to change the subject. ‘What about you, Sara?’
‘Me? I’m overwhelmed by the Jade Sutton case. God knows, by the time we get back in the morning, the verdict could be toast.’
‘No, silly,’ Lizzie tapped her playfully on the arm. ‘You and men.’
‘Don’t belong in the same sentence. Next question.’ Sara’s quip wasn’t convincing to Connie, but she would never argue her out of the position.
Sara continued: ‘Lizzie, what are you going to do about getting a flat?’
‘I need to sort out a mortgage first. It’s a nightmare.’
Connie dived into the property discussion. What about her parents acting as her guarantors? Had she spoken to Michael Stubbs? He had his own production company. He might be looking for a commissioning editor. She would give her his number as soon as they got back home. She could then get a pay rise and the boost of a new job. The practical problems of Lizzie’s life were a welcome diversion. This was what Connie did best. She was a mender, a fixer, a binder, the carer of her family and her friends. It was her role. Julian’s baby couldn’t change that.
The sun had been slowly bleeding, leaking out across the horizon, seeping into the corners. It was a complete painting. Blue-black thickly dubbed across the top, descending into a broken line of dirty oranges then hot pink into deeper red. The sky was a giant pad of blotting paper no longer absorbent, but evenly spreading out its colours. Lying on the decking gave Connie the feeling they were miniature, unimportant and uninvolved with the serious business of earth.
Chapter 23
Before the dessert was brought out, Katherine left Matt and Luke, pleading exhaustion. Luke knew stress was exhausting. The pressures of his business, Ella and Finn and Emma in the background, not to mention his ambition to successfully complete an Iron Man, a tough goal for an overworked, divorced entrepreneur who was turning forty, was overwhelming. He was knackered after running for an hour in the gym. He wanted to knock himself out for the night. His anxiety had been mounting since Connie’s attempted drowning. He tried to block it out. Usually two vodkas fixed anything, only tonight they did nothing to assuage his nervous tick.
Dinner was intense without the girls to lighten the atmosphere. He missed Connie and Sara. Thankfully, Julian was nowhere to be seen. Luke was hoping that he had already packed himself off to London. Though he suspected this wasn’t the case. Dan and Alan sandwiched themselves on either side of Katherine, leaving him to talk to Matt, who thankfully didn’t mention his outburst with Julian. It left Luke feeling exposed. Connie’s attempted drowning confirmed what he suspected: he still loved her.
He urged Matt to keep him company. They moved together across the terrace from the restaurant deck, up the couple of steps into the sitting room and across into the bar at the back. Luke was conscious of Matt’s increased bulk and the way he walked, rocking from one foot to another. Matt grunted as he mounted a barstool, which was buried beneath him. They both ordered drinks which they finished desperately fast before they said a word to each other.
Luke sighed. ‘Matt, you must be feeling shit.’
Matt stared at the grain coursing through the wooden bar. ‘Do you know the strange thing, Luke? I’m the one who’s heartbroken,’ he raised his bushy eyebrows. ‘Katherine’s okay. She is strong, Luke. Women are.’
Luke nodded. He was thankful Matt hadn’t gone through the gruesome details with him on the terrace and didn’t do so now. He sensed that, like him, Matt simply wanted to be with a great mate and forget. Old friends were easy compared with women. A relief. Luke’s chest was feeling tight. His body was completely exhausted.
Matt half-turned his head in his direction. ‘You look drained, Luke. This afternoon, it was a real shocker, wasn’t it?’
‘I overreacted, but then Connie had tried to drown herself in the pool…’ He trailed off.
Matt squeezed his arm sympathetically. ‘I’d have socked him if Lizzie hadn’t.’
‘We’re going to have another one, aren’t we,’ he confirmed without conferring and gave the bar man a definite nod.
With fresh drinks, the conversation could have gone off in a different direction,
but he desperately wanted to talk to Matt. ‘Okay, here’s the mad thing, I think that I still love Connie.’
‘Really? Surprise me,’ Matt grinned and gave him a large bear hug that made Luke rock on his barstool.
When Matt relinquished him, Luke sighed. ‘What do you think?’
Matt glanced at him. ‘What do I think about what? Whether you really are in love with her? Or what you should do about it?’
‘Both.’
They laughed.
‘Christ, we’re a fine pair,’ Matt ruffled his hair. ‘Here’s the thing: you never stopped loving Connie. What are you going to do about it? Jesus, I don’t know.’
Luke smiled.
‘You know, she’s fair game now, considering the circumstances, but not considering how vulnerable she is feeling. Am I making any sense?’
Luke nodded.
‘You’ve got to grab happiness. I did.’ Matt squeezed his hands together.
Luke loved Matt. He was down to earth, solid and reliable. A great bloke. A great friend. He lurched forward and gave him a bear hug across one shoulder. ‘Why don’t we see more of each other, Matt? When we’re back in London, can we meet up soon?’
‘I would really love that, Luke,’ Matt nodded back. ‘You’re a great mate. I’ve missed you.’ Matt lurched up. ‘But if I don’t go to bed now, I’m going to fall over.’
Luke laughed. ‘Lightweight.’
Matt fell against the bar as he climbed down from the stool. ‘Whoops…’
‘Okay, wait, let me help you.’
With one arm round Matt’s waist, Luke directed him across the bar and out towards the path. They were both giggling and shushing each other as they approached Matt’s house.
‘You better go,’ said Matt in a dramatic whisper, ‘Or Katherine will blame you for leading me astray.’ He prodded him lightly on the chest, ‘It’s all your fault.’
They both laughed.
‘Listen,’ Matt looked at him. ‘About Connie: go for it, mate. What have you got to lose? Nothing but your pride, which is worth shit. You said that to me all those years ago. You were right. Count to three.’
Matt shoved open the heavy door and shouted over his shoulder. ‘Julian’s leaving tomorrow morning. Actually, this morning. Night, night Luke.’
Everything made them hoot. They ate the rest of the puddings in bed, careless of chocolate on the duvet. Sara remembered Gus had shown her a stash of chocolate. They handed round the bar as they had done with other substances in the past. Lizzie mentioned she was on the Dukan Diet, which made Sara laugh until she complained she had a stitch. Lizzie exacted her revenge by repeating her claim that Gus fancied Sara, which exacted a long list of animals she would rather shag first. They taunted Lizzie for snoring and Sara for hogging the duvet, until they were asleep, bar Connie.
Lying awake with her stomach warmly lined, Connie had the kind of clarity that only comes to you in the middle of the night when everyone else is asleep. She reached into her rucksack, felt for her torch and her grandfather’s book. She opened the cover. It didn’t look as if he had written in it. The first eight pages were blank. Then Connie discovered his scrawled notes. They weren’t in a diary form. More thoughts scattered at random angles over different parts of a page.
She read: Dr Livingstone set off from the nearest town on his Moffat Mission into ‘deepest Africa’.
She turned the book sideways to read the other note on the page: Kalahari comes from the Tswana word, kgala, meaning great thirst. Perhaps, Connie thought, a bushman had told him that, and he had written it down. Not to forget it.
The ink had washed into the next page, but Connie could just about make it out: Bushmen have been in the Kalahari 20,000 years. Imagine! BUT farming livestock impossible. Which is why it is the last great wilderness.
Connie looked up, knowing the vastness was around her yet still darkly invisible. A wide, wild range of beautiful, even rare and endangered, species would be waking up in this safe haven, magically far away from the destructive nature of the human world. All because of her grandfather’s understanding and commitment.
Connie knew exactly what she wanted to do. She went to see if Gus was still awake. He was dressed and sitting in the vehicle with a coffee. ‘Hello. It is amazing out here.’
‘Hello, Connie. Yeah, early on the reserve, it’s something else.’ He glanced towards the bed. ‘The other two asleep, eh?’
‘Lizzie would probably worship you if you make her a coffee in about five hours,’ she paused, wondering whether to say anything. ‘Listen, I absolutely love Sara. She is one of my dearest friends. But she can overstep the mark.’
Gus waved an arm dismissively, before looking up with the gentlest of smiles. ‘Well, out here, we allow fires to rage, eh? We just keep an eye.’
Connie watched his expression curiously. In it, she read someone who wanted to know Sara, to truly understand her. Someone like Gus would be great for her. Calm with an understated intelligence. Connie sighed. She couldn’t think of anyone remotely like him in London.
Connie paused not sure how much Gus knew of her situation. ‘It’s terribly early.’ She looked at her watch to confirm that it was four in the morning. ‘But I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind driving me back to Gae, and then coming back to pick up the others later.’
They hardly talked on the way back. It was black around them, which made it easier. Connie was nervous about what she was going to do, half-wishing she was still buried under the Egyptian cotton duvet. But she had been a coward for too long. When they got to the path, Gus stopped the vehicle.
‘I’ll get back to the others.’
‘Thank you, I’m sorry to drag you back here.’
‘Connie, no worries. You take care, eh.’
Connie walked along the path. She pushed on the door, wondering whether he would have locked it. It was open. The wood scraped against the floor. The sound echoed into the silence. Connie waited to acclimatise her eyes to the darkness, before moving into the bedroom. He was asleep with one arm and the top of his shoulder visible over the duvet. Connie walked quietly to the side of the bed. She crouched into a squat and then sunk to her knees. Luke had always slept on his back. Now he slept on his chest with the abandonment of a child. His narrow head was tucked to one side. She had intended to wake him, though she didn’t allow herself to think what would happen if she did. Now he was in front of her, she wanted him to stay asleep. She didn’t want to have to articulate her thoughts. She raised her arms until her fingers touched the edge of the duvet closest to his shoulder. She gently lifted it up like a tent and folded it carefully down to the base of his back. Her breath was laboured. At first, she could only see the outline of his back, but she bent over, scanning it carefully. She knew the risk she was taking of waking him angry and hurt, maybe even disgusted by her tremendous invasion of his privacy. What gave her the right? Yet she had this irresistible urge to see his back. She stared at the raised scar crossing his lower spine and ran her little finger along it. He didn’t wake. She got bolder. She ran her forefinger up on to what looked like a burn. His skin was shrivelled and whitened. Luke stirred. Connie instinctively removed her finger. He rolled over on to his side. As if he sensed his body’s sudden coolness and exposure, he opened his eyes.
Connie stood up quickly.
He didn’t move. He stared at her. Connie was terrified – she was totally in the wrong. What was he thinking? For once, she didn’t know. She realised how much she cared about his good opinion, even after all this time. He said nothing. He would put it down to her grief over Julian’s baby, if she could get out of here. She didn’t move.
‘What are you doing here, Connie?’ he said quietly.
‘I’m so sorry. I don’t know, Luke,’ she mumbled, looking away. ‘Please go back to sleep, I’m going now.’
‘Where are you going Connie? Back to Julian?’
She shook her head. ‘No. I’m going to make him move into the basement flat, where Sally used to l
ive. It’s over in that sense, that much I know.’
He sat up, exposing his chest and leant sideways to turn on his bedside lamp. His movement, nakedness and the light all startled her. She stepped back, aware of the sensuality of the situation.
‘Would you grab my T-shirt?’ Luke pointed at a white one over the chair at the end of his bed.
Connie held it out for him across the bed. He couldn’t reach it without leaning forward. He hesitated – he clearly didn’t want to expose his back to her again. She moved round the bed to his side. For a second, they both held on to it and then in the next, Luke was holding the T-shirt in one hand and Connie’s free hand in the other. His touch made her eyes water.
His face spread into a smile. ‘Who would have thought we would both have ended up in such a mess?’
She was thankful. He was giving her a way out. She nodded, ‘Yes, it’s mad.’
He readjusted his hold of her hand, pulling it gently towards his chest. Connie had a choice: she could follow her hand or let go of his grasp. She briefly considered her response to Sara’s question about having an affair. I couldn’t go through with it. He spotted her reaction immediately and moved her hand back into her lap.
She pulled him towards her, running one hand gently over his back. She ran her fingers along each one. She knew exactly where the scars were.
Chapter 24
They were in the vehicle for their early drive out to walk into black rhino. According to a message laboriously relayed by Matt, who was looking rough, Luke wasn’t feeling well.
Julian appeared dressed in safari shorts and shirt. He had some front to tip up for a ride with the group. What were they supposed to say to him? He looked anxious with a dramatically penitent expression. Connie completely ignored him. She was studiously reading an old exercise book. She was strangely calm since their night on the deck, as if she had come to some decision. She had left in the night. When Sara questioned Gus about it, he was surprisingly reticent. Was she intending to have a heart to heart with Julian? He insisted he didn’t know.
The Art of Unpacking Your Life Page 19