Her confidence re-surged as Kimberley and the other ranger moved to a sofa. Gus got up to follow them. Before he could, she tapped him as lightly as possible on the shoulder.
‘Gus. Quick question.’ She tried to sound matter of fact.
Gus looked levelly at her. ‘Sure, Sara.’
She almost asked, ‘Why did you stop kissing me?’ She was being ridiculous. He was the bloody ranger, who probably slept with every singleton who came through the safari. She had a lucky escape; she needed to get back home. Her cleaner would have been. Everything would be spotless. She could face her new reality much better from the security of her home.
‘Forget it.’
Her canvas wedges unevenly hitting the path. She was too agitated to go back to her house alone. Dan and Alan’s door was half open. There were no new guests. Sara settled down on their sofa. She lay there thinking. Even Dan and Alan had split up. It proved how impossible relationships were. Only Matt and Katherine were truly happy together, but even they were locked in their own grief. It was safer to be alone, to avoid pain. Sara knew that.
She didn’t have any clarity on relationships. She couldn’t think straight. She kept thinking of Luke. He was full of energy, despite the shit time he had had with Emma and losing Connie. He ploughed on until his death. Where did it leave her? Depressed and lost.
The whole of her life had been a branding exercise. Since university, she had been better at packaging her life than Lizzie and Connie. That was all. Her life was an empty Shard building. There was nothing of significance inside. A soaring significant edifice on the London landscape, yet one vandal had thrown a rock and the glass had shattered.
She didn’t have the strength to worry her way through another complex set of strategic moves to fight her potential disbarment. She wondered dispassionately if she would even turn up to the tribunal.
She reluctantly returned to her room. Gus was sitting on her doorstep, his face shadowed; his knees awkwardly up near his chin. He didn’t look comfortable, but he didn’t get up.
She wished there was an easy way of getting past him into the house, locking the door and curling up into a deep, long sleep. She wanted to escape her unravelling mind.
‘What did you want to ask me?’
‘Why did you stop kissing me?’
‘You’ve lost a great friend. You are stressed out because your career is falling apart. You are going home to months of disciplinary hearings. And you are on holiday, far from home. I’ve been an easy shoulder to cry on. No more. Who knows if you will allow yourself to see what is between us. You’ll return to your life in London. Happy or not. You have no intention of coming back.’
What Gus was saying was logical. She wasn’t a barrister for bloody nothing. She didn’t reply ‘you are right’, because it wasn’t the truth. She could easily come back for him. He was the closest she had got to wanting someone.
‘Then why did you kiss me?’
She saw in his smile her own desire. ‘I’m not a saint, Sara. Despite what you may think.’ He sighed looking away from her. ‘You are beautiful, sexy and incredibly smart. A big softie to boot. And I’m a man.’
She tried to imagine any other man being able to deliver that line without making her cringe. Failing, she allowed herself to glimpse the possibility.
Gus stood up. He was too close. He inspected her. ‘Look, I better go, eh.’
If a bloke said that to her in London, she would have known that it was an elaborate ploy. The bloody lot of them were into games that confused and angered her, which is why she resorted to one-night stands. ‘You get what you get and you don’t get upset.’ It was her line. How many lines did she have? Too many. All meaningless.
She couldn’t extricate herself from Gus. The fear returned. Only now it was the fear that he would go straight to Cape Town. If he lurched right that moment. If only she was brave enough to say please don’t go. She studied the grasses behind the path. She convinced herself that the huge disappointment she could already feel physically weighing her down was irrational.
‘Goodbye, Sara, take good care. I’ll be watching for you, eh.’
She heard his feet pad the path. She moved her eyes to watch him go. He kept walking. He would soon be out of her sight.
‘Gus.’ He didn’t seem to hear her. ‘Please come back.’
She started running. In the seconds it took her to reach him, he had turned round. She was afraid he would be gloating, but his face was awash with emotion. He was a proper person. How could she have nearly missed it?
‘I don’t want you to go.’ She was calm.
He kissed her and this time she kissed him back. She drew him to her with the intensity of her feeling for him. Her fingers blended with his hair. Gus gently peeled his mouth from hers. But he didn’t let go of her this time. She watched him openly. Those thoughtful green eyes, his gentle intelligent smile. And the glimpse of his chest above his top button. He put his arm around her waist as they walked back to her house. He didn’t pause in the sitting room. As he moved the two beds together, his smile spread into a grin. Sara folded her arms around him, slowly undoing his buttons from behind. He turned swiftly round and drew her tightly to him, pressing his body against hers. His soft smile flicked to desire. His hand moved down under her blouse and into her bra. As his fingers skimmed her left breast, he murmured. ‘God, I’ve been desperate to do that.’ He undid her blouse and unclipped her bra. Then he paused. He was staring at her breasts.
‘More Marilyn than Moss.’ Sara said shyly. She wished she had stepped through the doors of her expensive gym. ‘And only Marilyn if you’re shortsighted.’
‘Sara, I’ve been avoiding the pool in case I stare at you.’
Then his hands were on her body, his breath on her neck, his eyes burning into her, his mouth on hers. She was completely lost in him.
Afterwards, they lay twisted together, looking at each other. Neither spoke. She gently ran her finger from under his thick fringe along the side of his jaw to his mouth. His green eyes became part of hers. She was going to drive with Gus to his farm and his family. It was the only thing she wanted to do.
Gus raised himself on to one elbow without moving away. ‘Tell me about your dad.’
Sara sighed. ‘What do you want to know?’
‘You told me he left when you were six.’ He kissed her.
She looked quickly at him, before dropping her gaze. ‘I never stop thinking about him. Yet I never talk about him. I have this picture of our last breakfast together, but I have probably imagined it.’ She gave a rueful smile. ‘My mum’s amazingly strong, but she never talks about him either. It’s like this weight we both carry around, which we have never shared with each other or anyone else.’ She didn’t want Gus to feel sorry for her. ‘Probably more info than you wanted.’
He didn’t say anything for a moment. Sara reflected that it didn’t feel awkward. It wasn’t a silence that was begging to be filled.
‘You need to trust me, Sara,’ he said quietly.
‘I’ve been single for two decades. I have made a concerted effort never to trust a man, but somehow I do trust you.’ She managed a smile.
Gus gently took her face in both his hands ‘Sara, promise me now, you won’t panic. You have nothing to fear with me, eh? I fell in love with you the moment I saw you at the airstrip. I thought you looked like Grace Kelly with your string of pearls close to your neck and your cream silk blouse.’ He grinned and stroked the side of her cheek. ‘Only smarter and funnier.’
He had no fear. Sara was in awe of his honesty.
‘I went back to Gae and I called my parents. It’s happened. I’ve met her. I ended it with Jess. She was expecting it. It was a relief for both of us.’
‘You were that sure?’ she whispered.
‘Yes. I realised when I saw you that I never loved her.’ He kissed her, before frowning. ‘This is going to make it harder for both of us when you leave tomorrow.’
‘What? I’m not goin
g to leave now. Not after this.’
He stroked her hair. ‘Sara, if you run away with me now, it won’t work, you know that. You’ll always wonder what would have happened if you had faced the music in London. It will be unfinished business. I don’t want us to start our life together like that.’
She jerked her legs out from under his, moved to get out of bed and away from him. He was quicker than she was. He grabbed her and turned her back round to him, tightly squeezing her to his chest.
‘Hey stop, where are you going? Listen to me, Sara,’ He lifted her chin gently making her look at him. ‘I am never, ever going to let go of you.’
‘Where will you be?’ She clung on to the practical details.
‘You have made me realise it’s time for me to get back home. I need to get stuck back into the farm.’
Her disappointment was irrational. He couldn’t come with her to London. She couldn’t ask him to sit around in her house for two months. What man would do that? Let alone Gus.
He smiled gently. ‘Sara, I’m going to go to drive you as far as Jo’Burg and see you on to your plane.’
‘What a concession,’ she tried to smile. ‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes,’ he pulled her close.
‘You’re prepared to let me go back to London alone?’ She was sure. ‘Do I have to beg, Gus Hamilton?’
He looked genuinely confused.
‘If you are leaving Gae anyway, why not have a break in London? You could sightsee, maybe you can look up friends there? In a couple of months, the tribunal will be over. We could come back together to your farm.’
One night of intimacy had her planning out their lives together. It wasn’t rational. So what? She thought of Luke. He didn’t get his chance to be happy with Connie. The least she could do is snap up her own happiness.
He was grinning. ‘Is that a serious suggestion?’
She nodded vigorously. ‘Then we can see where we are.’ He was about to speak. She had to get in a last pitch. ‘Look I’ll even cook. And I hate cooking. Failing that I’ll order great takeaways. We can explore at weekends. I won’t drag you up north to meet my mother or anything like that.’
‘Why not? I want to meet your mother.’
‘You are an endangered species.’ She paused. ‘I won’t bore on about the case or my legal career. We will have fun. Really.’
‘Really? Don’t make too many rash promises Sara.’ He laughed.
She couldn’t bear it any longer. ‘Well?’
‘The answer was yes a week ago.’
Chapter 35
Connie knocked on the door. She wondered if she was interrupting anything, but Sara would hardly have acted on her heavy hint. She would have only mocked poor Gus more. Connie knocked again.
‘It’s open, silly. I’m not planning to lock you out. Yet.’ Sara swung the door open. ‘Connie. What the hell?’
Connie smiled nervously. Her plans didn’t seem strong enough to withstand Sara’s scrutiny. ‘I’m taking a break from Jo’Burg for a night. I am not allowed to see Luke and I feel closer to him here.’
Sara led her by the arm through the glass doors on to the terrace, squarer than the one outside Julian’s and her little house. The table was a mosaic of suncream, notebooks, a pen, two dirty plates and two glasses. Connie was about to enquire about the user of the other glass, but any insinuation would ruin their precious time together.
‘You’re not packed yet?’ Connie realised that she always focused on domestic details.
‘I’ve extended my holiday by another night,’ Sara stated. ‘I don’t want to miss Isobel’s funeral, of course.’
‘I’ve spoken to Matt at length,’ Connie hurried on. ‘He understands that I cannot even briefly leave Africa without Luke.’
‘Of course he does,’ Sara sounded reassuring. ‘What’s going on? Talk to me now, Connie.’
She forced a smile. When had they last sat around talking, the two of them together? She was always listening to Sara’s wit but never properly looking at her. She was beautiful: her delicate white skin, shining green eyes, bony collarbones extending across her broad frame like a hanger for her deep curves. Strong, clever and beautiful with a certainty about her place in the world that Connie profoundly envied.
‘Okay. I will make it easier for you. I’ve relied on “us” being the constant in my life without appreciating how much I love you all. You are my family.’
Connie was moved. Sara never talked about her feelings. Connie wanted to tell Sara what she felt about Luke, but she didn’t know where to start. She expected Sara to speak, but she watched Connie attentively. Her legs were crossed and she was leaning forward, resting her elbow on her top knee and her face in her hand. She realised that this trip had been great for Sara, at least. And for her? If she could somehow make sense of it, perhaps there was hope.
‘Luke and I. We made love.’ As she spoke, she saw him naked before her, physically and emotionally. ‘I couldn’t help it, Sara. Why shouldn’t we be together?’
Sara didn’t say anything.
‘When I kissed Luke, I remembered the beautiful, happy past I had, and I felt there was another future for me and for Luke. For both of us.’
‘Go on, Connie,’ Sarah said.
‘I feel this physical and mental ache for him. I don’t think I’ll ever get over this sense of emptiness,’ she sniffed, and delved into her bag for a packet of tissues. ‘I know you are going to say I’m being self-indulgent. I keep thinking about what you said to me when I dumped Luke for Julian. “Your problem, Connie, is you can’t be on your own. What’s wrong with your own company for a change?”’
‘Oh please, Connie, don’t quote me.’ Sara looked mortified. ‘That was twenty years ago. Anyway, I say things that sound great but I don’t think them through. It’s hard to love someone. It’s a cop out to be on your own.’
Connie spoke quickly. ‘It’s a cop out to hide behind your children, your housekeeper and your friends. Unlike you, I’ve always had a mortal fear of exposing myself. I’m not good at anything, except keeping the peace.’
‘Connie that’s not true.’ Sara reached forward to squeeze Connie’s knees. ‘Did you know about Sally? I promise not to comment.’
‘I genuinely don’t know. Maybe on some level I did. I never let myself think it.’
‘And Julian?’
‘Banished to the basement. There he will remain, I think, for the foreseeable future. Who knows. It’s probably the best option for all of us. If Luke was alive, it would have been different. I’d have been forced to boot him out eventually. But with Luke gone…what’s the point of denying the children easy access to Julian? What’s the point of destroying our family life?’
She looked up to give Sara a chance to have her say. Instead, she gazed at Connie without judgement.
‘You know, half my life is inextricably linked to Julian. In a strange way, he is still in my life, even if we will never be intimate again.’
Sara was silent, but watchful.
Connie breathed in. ‘It means my focus is no longer my domestic groundhog day. In a way, that is a great thing. It leaves a gap in which I can do something.’ She tried to feel energised if only for Luke. ‘I am going to do something, Sara.’
Connie sat up, tense about trying out her idea on Sara. ‘I talked to Luke about my grandfather and his vision for the restoration of the Kalahari. I know I want to play my part and set up a black rhino foundation. Luke thought it was a great idea. I want to do it in his name now,’ she said quickly, holding her hand up to stop Sara from interrupting her even though it was unnecessary. ‘I know what you are thinking, Sara.’ She sounded sterner than she intended. ‘It’s not a placebo for an abused wife. No. I want to set up a proper body using my political connections, with proper funding, putting political pressure on the South African government to act against the poachers, lobbying European powers to exert pressure and expose their crimes to global media. I have the connection with my grandfather, which w
ill buy me some right to interfere. And I will be continuing his work.’ She hesitated. ‘I know, you’re probably wondering how I’ll manage it with the children. They have such long holidays and I want them to be involved. This was their great-grandfather’s old lodge. I want them to experience it and to understand the commitment to something bigger than their individual lives. To the planet, ultimately. Much bigger than my petty concerns.’
She paused. She wondered if it sounded ridiculous and impractical. She nearly asked Sara. She was guaranteed a truthful answer. She didn’t. It didn’t matter. She was going to do it anyway.
She added hastily, ‘Obviously there are practical considerations as well: I need a good name, logo, website. I need to find out what other organisations I can work with, which politicians are already campaigning on behalf of endangered wildlife. I realise that there is a lot to do.’
‘Connie, didn’t it feel good to get all that off your chest?’ Sara’s hug enveloped her. She squeezed her back. ‘God, I love you.’
‘It’s not a crazy idea?’ Connie allowed herself to ask.
‘No. Even if it was, it doesn’t matter. It’s your idea. Every decision you make leads you somewhere else.’ She laughed. ‘Did I just say that? It’s bloody brilliant, Connie.’
‘What’s bloody brilliant?’ Gus rounded the back of the wooden terrace. He wasn’t wearing his uniform. Two glasses, two plates and his feet planted territorially on the veranda. Connie tried to catch Sara’s eye.
‘Connie is back for a night, as you can see. She’s going to set up a foundation to save the black rhino, dedicated to Luke.’
Connie blushed. ‘Very idealistic. You know much more about the subject than I do, but I’m planning to come back once—’ Connie felt the loss of Luke yet again. ‘Once we have buried Luke in Dartmoor.’
Sara and Gus spoke at exactly the same time. Sara: ‘It’s really important work.’ Gus: ‘I’d be happy to help you.’
He flopped on the sofa beside Sara, his knees bending towards her, his arm stretched along the wicker edge until his fingers reached her neck. Neither looked at each other. They didn’t have to.
The Art of Unpacking Your Life Page 26