by Naomi Niles
“Sit down. Can I get you something to eat?”
“No, thank you. I grabbed something on the way back. Gwyne, we need to talk.”
“I know.”
“Ever since I was a little boy, I wanted to be a firefighter. The little town I come from could only afford a volunteer crew. When I was old enough, I applied and was accepted at the local station. They taught me everything I needed to know, at least for that little town. It made me feel valued, Gwyne, and gave purpose to my life. I knew it was what I wanted to do. I wanted to do it in the biggest way possible, and that’s why I’m here.” I was watching his face as he talked and saw a myriad of emotions pass. He looked up at me then, straight in the eye. “We can’t let this thing between us go on.”
Although his words hit me in the gut, I had to admit they weren’t totally unexpected. I knew what he was saying. It had nothing to do with him or me; it had everything to do with what we had chosen for our lives. If we were discovered, there would be hell to pay. Most likely, Dad would fire him. I would be absolutely barred from the firehouse and would have to go back to writing about commission meetings and little Johnny’s big home run at the Little League game. I needed to do more with my life than that. So did Sean.
“I know. I knew what you were going to say before you even said it.”
“Gwyne, it wouldn’t take very much for me to fall in love with you. But there’s too much at stake here, and apparently you know it as well as I do. So I’m going to stay through the end of the month, until I get my first paycheck, and then I’m moving out.”
I nodded, the pain wrapping itself around my heart, and as much as I wanted argue with him, to argue with the fates that it put us in this position, I knew I couldn’t. He was right. We both knew it. I nodded and leaned forward to give them a hug.
“It’s okay. I think you know how I feel; I think we both know how one another feels,” I told him. “I really didn’t see this coming, to tell you the truth. No, I’m lying. I simply adored you from the first moment I saw you. Everything that led up to this moment has been my dream come true. I was in a position to make it happen, so I did just that. I won’t be ashamed of it.”
Sean grinned. “Yeah, I knew it then, too. When you popped out of your car, your mouth running on, trying to convince me to keep things on the lowdown, I knew I was hooked. You had spunk, you are cute as hell, and you needed protection from yourself. I don’t know, Gwyne, maybe there’s a way out of this someday. But right now, neither one of us are in a position to see it. I need some space from you, some perspective. This doesn’t affect how I feel about you; it only removes a bit of the danger of discovery. That would be the end of both of us.”
“You’re right, as usual. From now on, it’s business as usual, right?
“Right.” He got up to leave. I stopped him as he reached the door.
“Sean?”
“Yeah?”
“I think I’m in love with you.” I had actually just said the words.
“I know. Me, too.” With that, Sean left that very special part of my life that was us.
Chapter 9
Our life had become very awkward. Although he wasn’t leaving for a couple of weeks, Sean evidently thought it prudent to keep things on a very impersonal level. Instead of watching television with me, he worked in the downstairs area, putting up walls and drawing up plans for plumbing and electric to be submitted for permits. These were things I couldn’t do, things we had agreed he would do. Was he doing this out of a sense of obligation to our bargain, or out of guilt for breaking up with me? I sincerely hoped it wasn’t guilt, because there was none; we had both taken part consensually in what had gone on between us.
Payday for him came and I rose early to see his things stacked by the door. As I stepped out of my apartment to see where he was, he surprised me by emerging from the shadows to my right – at the top of the staircase. I startled a bit. “Oh!”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you; I shouldn’t have stopped before tapping on your door.” He was apologetic.
“What made you stop?”
He threw his hands outward and shrugged. “This just doesn’t feel right.”
“Come in,” I invited him, standing back to let him pass. I was wearing my sleepshirt and the bay was cold; there were goosebumps on my legs and arms. Sean looked at me with instant sympathy and then caught a glance at my nipples, stiffened by the chill. An unexplainable look came over his face. If I could assign it anything, it would have been a mixture of desire and regret.
I quickly flipped on the coffee maker and brewed two cups, handing one to him as he waited on the sofa. Sitting next to him, I folded my legs beneath myself and took a sip. “So, want to tell me what you’re feeling?”
Sighing, Sean leaned back and looked to the ceiling, his eyes searching for the right words. “I don’t know what to say. This has a bad feel to it; this leaving you. First of all, you took me in when you didn’t have to and then, well, I’m not immune to you, let’s say. It feels like I took advantage of you; like I’ve put you last on the priority list.”
“We both knew what we were doing and we’ve both agreed that it’s too dangerous for you to stay here. We know what’s at stake.”
“Oh, it’s more than that. Hell, I don’t know how to tell you all this, and maybe I shouldn’t be….”
“What is it?” I was on alert. What on Earth was he hiding? I asked myself.
Sean stood up and paced before the window, looking out over the city. “There’s more than what meets the eye with me. You have to keep this to yourself, though. You tell your dad and I’m cooked.” He looked over his shoulder at me for confirmation. I nodded. “All right, so I’m here in New York City and you know, I came to be a firefighter. But it’s not as simple as that.”
He paced two more paths and then turned to look at me. “There was trouble back home. In my senior year of high school, a new kid moved to town. He didn’t fit in very well; wasn’t the white, corn-fed farm kid the rest of us were. The guys shut him out and the girls wouldn’t even look at him. I ran into him one night at the movie theatre in town. He was doing custodial work. I was waiting in line to get into the theatre and there he was. His name was Damian. I couldn’t not see him, so I nodded. I mean, the guy looked right at me and was just five feet from where I was. He nodded back. Before I knew it, I’d stuck out my hand and told him my name. He hesitated before taking my hand, wiping his own off on his pants before he shook mine. He didn’t say much; just nodded. His skin was that really dark, blue-black color and his eyes were darker than brown. In another place, he’d have been considered a decent-looking guy, but not in rural Iowa.
“I tried to talk to him, but he barely answered. Must have been a manager coming because he looked around and then acted like he’d been caught and instantly moved on. I didn’t give it much thought. After the movie, I was headed home and spotted him walking alongside the road. I offered him a ride, and he seemed grateful to get it. I got it out of him that he’d just been fired. Seems like management chose to fire him, using the excuse that he’d been late coming in during his probationary period. He didn’t say it, but I got the gist that they couldn’t refuse to hire him because of the law, but as soon as he tripped, even the tiniest bit, they used it as an excuse to get rid of him. I really felt for him.
“We talked and I got enough out of him to understand that he was a native of Jamaica. His family emigrated to New York City: two younger sisters and his mother. He didn’t have a dad. One night their apartment building caught fire. He’d been out on the street when it happened. His family didn’t make it. He went a little nuts over it, ended up in a boys’ home. A family in my town, the Henley’s, adopted him—part of a Christian-based program.”
I was trying to keep up with his story while my reporter’s mind was delving deep to figure out how this was all going to pan out. He continued to talk.
“He was just marking time until he was eighteen and free to be on his o
wn. Trying to earn a few bucks to put away. Really a fish out of water. Before we got to the Henley’s, I saw a couple of guys from my football team standing on a corner, talking. I stopped and rolled the window down to ask them about something. They spotted Damian and wandered over to my truck, talkin’ some shit to him. I told them to shut up and left, dropping Damian off. I didn’t see Damian at school and stopped at the Henley’s on my way home. They weren’t home, but a neighbor raking his leaves walked over to check me out. Seems that a couple of guys had jumped him on his way to school that morning and things got rough. Damian got slashed pretty bad and was in the hospital. I headed down there and the Henley’s were standing in the hallway of the ER, a shocked look on their faces. Turns out Damian got slashed in the throat and lost a lot of blood. Docs did what they could, but he didn’t make it.”
He halted at this point, the memory making his throat raw with emotion. He cleared his throat and stared over the skyline. “I got him killed. I knew better, to tell you the truth. I knew the boys who did it and they were mean bastards. I went after them that night. They were still in police custody, so I blew up their car as it sat in their driveway. The explosion took out some windows and yeah, you can guess I got into trouble.
“When I graduated, my dad pulled some strings and got me in at the fire department. I decided I wanted to leave that small town and that small thinking. When I got certified, I left and moved gradually in this direction. I worked a number of jobs over the years, but firefighting was always my personal vow to myself. I wanted to make up for the life I’d lost, for Damian. I got it in my head that if his mother and sisters hadn’t burned, just maybe he’d still be alive somewhere. I guess you get the connection.” His voice trailed off.
“I don’t know what to say,” I began, but I was being truthful. I really didn’t know exactly what to say.
“Which brings me to now… and to you. Now you understand why this is so important to me. I was wild in those days, Gwyne. I did something that cost a guy his life, and probably would’ve taken two more on my own if they’d been home. I had some growin’ up to do. Where better than here?” His eyes looked at the city again, “Where better than this hell-hole of a town?”
I looked down briefly. It never ceased to amaze me what lay deeply inside people: the stories you never heard. I was a little choked up myself. I stood up and crossed the room to where he stood, patting him on the shoulder with understanding.
“So… that brings me to this thing between you and me. I came to town to do a job and clean a conscience. It’s more than a goal – it’s a moral debt, if you will. So, if I get involved with you and your dad fires me, then I can’t accomplish what I set out to do. I forgot that when I saw you… I wanted you. I had no right to get you mixed up in all this.”
I nodded and hugged him from the back. “I get it, Sean. It’s okay. I care about you, as you obviously know. That means that I can give you what you need – you owe me no allegiance. I want you to do what you were intended to do. In fact, have you considered that a bigger hand than your own may have steered you here and that you’re being tested?”
I could see his head tip slightly as he considered this. “I think I’m pretty lucky to have you in my life, no matter what happens from here on out.” Sean turned and put his arms around me, kissing the top of my head. He didn’t see the tears that dropped onto my cheeks as he left my apartment, without looking back.
Chapter 10
It felt like the entire world had grown cold the day that Sean left. I didn’t go into work that day, but stayed home and wrote, and researched some background. By mid-afternoon, it began to snow and as I watched from my window, the green surrendered to the white that would neutralize the city for the next four months at least. Sighing, I turned away from the window and resolved to find something to raise my spirits.
My cell buzzed. “Hello?”
“Where are you? You’re supposed to be here training,” came Sean’s voice. It felt so good to hear his voice, and yet bittersweet because I knew I would never feel it against my breast.
“Not up to it today,” I told him, as though he didn’t already know it.
“You’re not slacking on me, are you?” He was challenging me; that much was obvious.
“I’m not a slacker; I’m just especially good at time management.”
“So, that’s the new, politically correct word for laziness?” He was starting to cross my line. I wondered if he was trying to anger me to pull my low spirits out of the romance hole.
“Not funny.” I pouted at my end of the connection, even though he couldn’t see me.
“I know. Just trying to cheer you up.”
“Do you have any idea how hard this is going to be? To train and then work with you and not let my heart ache… or worse yet, to somehow give the whole thing away and lose it all in the end?” I wasn’t sure I was that good of an actress.
“No, I don’t know yet, but I’m fairly sure I’m going to find out. We just do the best we can. Keep things normal. That’s why I want your butt down here within the hour. We have to keep everything the same or people are going to start asking questions. You know your dad will, for certain.”
I thought over his words and I knew he was right. “I’ll be down shortly,” I replied and disconnected.
I stood before my closet, surveying my wardrobe. It was amazing how a touch of romance could make examining your wardrobe exciting, and even a sexy experience. Then, when the romance shuts down, you just stare at the hangers and end up picking out whatever is clean and the most comfortable – just because giving it much thought is just too much like work. With an air of defiance, I pulled out the new workout outfit I’d blown half a paycheck on. If my love life was going down the drain, it would be in designer clothes! Pink had always been my best color and I hoped I didn’t look like a flamingo in heat.
Sean was waiting for me when I reached the fire station. I immediately looked at his eyes and saw a flicker of pain. He was tough, though, and quickly frowned. “Took you long enough.”
I knew his words were purposefully harsh. He wanted to set a new norm for our time together – a norm that would never reveal our feelings. I had no choice but to go along with it.
“Can’t a girl take a day off once in a while? I do have another job, you know.” I was fabricating the best mockery I could think of.
His eyes said I want you, but his lips thinned and a muscle in his jaw spasmed with internal aggravation. “Give me fifty push-ups,” he said, pointing over his shoulder at the work-out area of the firehouse. I looked down and nodded, passing within inches of him as I walked. “Don’t!” he whispered desperately. I knew what he was feeling – oh, god, did I!
I did the push-ups, although they were only for the sake of anyone who happened to walk by. I visualized Sean’s body beneath my own. With each pumping movement, I could feel his arms around my waist, lifting me and then re-seating me hard upon his rigid cock. I could feel myself get wet at the illusion and wondered if it showed on my face. When I was finished, I rolled back onto my bottom, perspiration dampening my brand-new clothes. Sean was looking at me curiously, almost as if he could read what had been going on in my head. I felt myself blushing.
“Next time, wear old clothes and save those for the gym,” he muttered and gave me a hand up. “Now, shoot over to the breakroom and I’ll be there in a minute.” He turned his back to me and I saw him heading toward the quarters where the men slept while on call.
I had poured myself a cup of coffee when Sean sat down next to me. “There!” he said, shoving a 3-ring binder toward me. “That’s the book you need to read. It explains all the protocol, everything from what to do when we get a call to how to handle onlookers on the scene. You’re not going anywhere near the burning structure, so you can skip anything having to do with that or how to use the equipment. All you need to familiarize yourself with is being an observer and crowd control. Next week, you’re coming back and we’re going to fit you for
gear. A suit, helmet, boots, gloves—the whole nine yards. That said, I want you to familiarize yourself also with the signs of an impending explosion: gas, chemical, hazardous substances—the whole nine yards again. You need to know when to get people the hell out of the way and it’s all there in that book,” he said, tapping his finger on its cover. “This is serious, life and death sort of stuff. You may save someone else’s life if you know what you’re doing. You hear?”
Sean got up and disappeared and I was left with the binder, a cup of cold coffee, and an abandoned feeling in my sweaty clothes. Resigned, I dumped the coffee, picked up the binder and went home.
What I didn’t see was Dad, watching me from his slightly opened door. I didn’t find out about that until much later.
Chapter 11
I spent the next few days fleshing out some human-interest stories. I was fairly sure that as soon as I got fitted for my gear, I’d get to ride along and that’s when I’d really get the good stuff.
I showed up the following Monday, eager to get started. Sean was nowhere to be found.
Chet came up to me. “Your dad says I’m supposed to fit you up in some gear,” he pronounced. Chet was probably the ugliest man I’d ever seen, but strong as a bulldozer. You could tell by the way his shirt sleeves strained at the seam and the fact that I’d watched him carry an entire fire hose over one shoulder. Dad had always said you needed at least one bull on the crew.
I was surprised, and felt let down. I guessed that Sean couldn’t take the temptation and had handed me off to Chet. I had to admit that hurt my feelings. Nevertheless, I remembered that I had a job to do and gamely nodded. “Thanks, Chet. Where do we go?” I asked and he directed me down to a small anteroom off the bays where their gear was kept on hooks and the boots lined up beneath a bench marked with each man’s name. I saw there was a piece of paper taped on the end of the bench and recognized my name. This, it seemed, was where I would be dressing.