He didn’t want to burden Sydney with any of that.
She’d looked after his daughter for a few hours, she’d looked after and cured their rabbit, she was kind and strong...
She’s the sort of woman I would go out with if I could...
But he couldn’t.
She’d lost her only daughter. And where was the child’s father? From what he’d heard around the village, the father had left them just a couple of months after Olivia had passed away. Shocking them all.
It seemed the whole village had thought the Harpers were strong enough to get through anything. But of course no one could know how such a tragic death would affect them.
Hadn’t Sydney been through enough? He had a positive mind-set—even if he did sometimes take the things that Gwyneth had yelled at him to heart. He tried to remain upbeat. But just sometimes his mind would play tricks with him and say, Yeah, but what if she was right?
Besides, he wasn’t sure he could trust his own judgement about those kinds of things any more. Affairs of the heart. He’d felt so sure about Gwyneth once! In the beginning, anyway. And he’d wanted to do everything for her and the baby. Had wanted the family life that had been right there in front of him. Ready and waiting.
How wrong could he have been?
He’d been floored when she’d left. She’d been high-maintenance, but not once had he suspected that she would react that way to his diagnosis. To having a baby, even. She’d been horrified at what her life had become and had been desperate to escape the drudgery she’d foreseen.
And Nathan had known Gwyneth. Or thought he had.
He didn’t know Sydney. As much as he’d like to.
And he sure as hell didn’t want his heart—or Anna’s—broken again.
Getting out of the car, he looked up and saw Paul, Helen and Sydney coming out of the house. Helen was standing further back, her arms crossed.
‘Dr Jones! Good of you to call round! You’ve arrived just in time. Your wife was just about to leave.’
He instantly looked at Sydney. My wife?
Sydney blushed madly. ‘We’re not married!’
Paul looked between the two of them. ‘Oh, but we thought... Partners, then?’
‘No. Just...friends. Associates. We just happened to be in the car together, that’s all...’ he explained, feeling his voice tail off when he glanced at Sydney’s hot face.
‘Really? You two look perfect for each other.’ Paul smiled.
Nathan was a little embarrassed, but amused at the couple’s mistake. ‘Hello, Sydney. We seem to keep bumping into each other.’
She shook his hand in greeting. ‘We do.’
‘Did you get to see Lucy?’
‘I did. The baby is gorgeous.’
‘He is.’ He was still holding her hand. Still looking at her. Someone seemed to have pressed ‘pause’, because for a moment he lost himself, staring into her grey eyes. It was as if the rest of the world had gone away.
Paul and Helen looked at each other and cleared their throats and Nathan dropped Sydney’s hand.
‘You’re leaving?’
‘I just came to check on the horse. No after-effects from the accident.’
‘That’s good. How about you, Paul? Any headaches? Anything I should be worried about?’
‘No, Doc. All well and good, considering.’
‘How about you, Helen?’
‘I’m fine. Physically.’
‘That’s good.’
Sydney pulled her car keys from her pocket. ‘Well, I must dash. Good to see you all so well. Paul. Helen.’ She looked over at Nathan, her gaze lingering longer than it should. ‘Dr Jones.’
He watched her go. Watched as she started her engine, reversed, turned and drove out of the driveway. He even watched as her car disappeared out of sight, up the lane.
Suddenly remembering that he was there to see Paul and Helen, he turned back to them, feeling embarrassed. ‘Shall we go in? Get those stitches seen to?’
Paul nodded, draping his arm around Nathan’s shoulder conspiratorially. ‘Just friends, huh?’
He felt his cheeks colour. They’d caught him watching her. Seen how distracted she made him.
‘Just friends.’
Inside the house, Helen disappeared into the kitchen to make a cup of tea.
‘So, Paul... How are you?’ He noted the stitches in his scalp. He’d certainly got a nasty laceration there, but apart from that obvious injury he seemed quite well.
‘I’m good, Doc, thanks.’ Paul settled into the chair opposite.
They had a lovely home. It was a real country cottage, with lots of character and tons of original features. There was a nice fire crackling away in the fireplace. It looked as if they were in the process of putting some Christmas decorations up.
‘So I need to remove your stitches. How many days have they been in?’
‘Too long! I’m really grateful for you coming out like this. I was going to make an appointment to come and say thanks to you. For saving me and Helen. And Brandon, too, of course.’
‘It wasn’t a problem. We were just in the right place at the right time.’
‘You were in the perfect place.’ He looked down at the floor and then got his next words out in a quiet rush, after he’d turned to check that Helen wasn’t listening. ‘Helen and I didn’t see that deer coming across the field because we were arguing.’
‘Oh?’ Nathan sensed a confession coming.
‘I...er...hadn’t reacted very well to the fact that...well...’ He looked uncomfortable. ‘Helen had had a miscarriage. Two weeks earlier. The hospital said they’d send you a letter... We hadn’t even known she was pregnant, but she had this bleed that wouldn’t stop, and we ended up at A&E one night, and they found out it was an incomplete miscarriage. She needed a D&C.’
Nathan felt a lurch in his stomach. ‘I’m very sorry to hear that.’
‘Yeah, well...apparently I wasn’t sorry enough. Helen got mad with me because I wasn’t upset about losing the baby. But neither of us had even known about the pregnancy! How could I get upset over a baby I didn’t know about?’ Paul let out a heavy breath. ‘She thought I didn’t care. We were arguing about that. Yelling...screaming at each other—so much so that Brandon started too. We didn’t notice the deer because I wasn’t paying attention.’ He sounded guilty. ‘And now, because I didn’t notice the deer running in front of us, and because I didn’t notice my wife was pregnant, I’m the bad guy who nearly got us all killed.’
How awful for them! To lose a baby like that and then to have a serious accident on top of it. They were both very lucky to have got out alive. Brandon, too. It could all have gone so terribly wrong.
‘Well, I can sort your stitches for you. And I’m not so sure I would want to stop Helen being mad. She’s had a terrible loss, Paul. You both have. And she needs to work through it.’
‘I know, but...’
‘There are support groups. Ones specifically for women who have suffered miscarriage. I can give you some information if you drop by the surgery. Or maybe I could ask Helen if she wants to come in and have a chat with me? You may not have known about the pregnancy, but she still lost a baby. A D&C can be a traumatic event in itself, when you think about what it is, and it can help some women to talk about things. She’s had a loss and she needs to work her way through it. And I’m sure, in time, so will you.’
Paul rubbed at his bristly jaw. ‘But even she didn’t know.’
‘It doesn’t matter. It was still a baby, Paul. Still a loss. A terrible one. And she knows now. She probably feels a lot of guilt, and the easiest person to take that out on is you.’
‘Does she think I’ve not been hurt too? To not even know she was pregnant and then to see her so scared when she wouldn’t
stop bleeding? And then to learn the reason why?’ He shook his head, tears welling in his eyes. ‘Why didn’t I know?’
‘You’re not to blame. It’s difficult in those early weeks.’
‘I keep thinking there must have something else I could have done for her. Something I could have said. To see that pain in her eyes... It broke my heart.’
Nathan laid a hand on Paul’s shoulder.
‘It has hurt me. I am upset. And I feel guilty at trying to make her get over something when she’s just not ready to. Guilty that I won’t get to hold that baby in my arms...’
‘Grief takes time to heal. For both of you.’
Paul glanced at his hands. ‘But she won’t talk to me. She doesn’t talk to me about any of the deep stuff because she thinks I don’t care. She never shares what she’s feeling. How are you supposed to be in a relationship with someone who won’t tell you what’s really going on?’
With great difficulty.
He looked at Paul. ‘You wait. Until she’s ready. And when she is...you listen.’
Nathan was so glad he’d never had to go through something like this with Gwyneth. They’d come close, when she’d thought there might still be time for an abortion, but the thought of losing his child...? It was too terrible even to think about.
Sydney would understand.
Just thinking about her now made him realise just how strong she was to have got through her daughter’s death. And on her own, too.
‘So I’ve just got to take her anger, then?’
‘Be there for her. Be ready to talk when she is. She’s grieving.’
Was Sydney still grieving? Was that why she wasn’t able to talk to him about what had happened? Should he even expect her to open up to him?
He opened his doctor’s bag and pulled out a small kit to remove Paul’s stitches. There were ten of them, and he used a stitch-cutter and tweezers to hold the knots each time he removed them. The wound had healed well, but Paul would be left with a significant scar for a while.
‘That’s you done.’
‘Thanks. So I’ve just got to wait it out, then?’
‘Or you could raise the subject if you feel the need. I can see that you’re upset at the loss, too. Let her know she can talk to you. That you’re ready to talk whenever she is.’
Paul nodded and touched the spot where his stitches had been. ‘Maybe I will. I know I’ve lost a baby, but I’m even more scared of losing my wife.’
Nathan just stared back at him.
* * *
Sydney felt odd. She had to call round to Nathan’s house in a minute, so she could take them to Wicklegate Farm and teach Anna how to ride the donkey. But for some reason she was standing in front of her wardrobe, wondering what to wear?
It shouldn’t matter!
Deliberately she grabbed at a pair of old jeans, an old rugby shirt that was slightly too big for her and thick woolly socks to wear inside her boots.
I have no reason to dress up for Dr Jones.
However, once dressed, she found herself staring at her reflection in the mirror, messing with her hair. Up? Down?
She decided to leave her hair down and then added a touch of make-up. A bit of blush. Some mascara.
Her reflection stared back at her in question.
What are you doing?
Her mirror image gave no response. Obviously. But that still didn’t stop her waiting for one, hoping she would see something in the mirror that would tell her the right thing to do.
She even looked at Magic. ‘Am I being stupid about this?’
Magic blinked slowly at her.
She liked Nathan, and that was the problem. She liked it that he was comfortable to be with. She liked it that he was great to talk to. That he was very easy on the eye.
There was some small security in the fact that his little girl would be there, so it was hardly going to be a seduction, but... But a part of her—a small part, admittedly—wondered what it would be like if something were to happen with them spending time together. What, though? A kiss? On the cheek? The lips? That small part of her wanted to know what it would feel like to close her eyes and feel his lips press against hers. To inhale his scent, to feel his hands upon her. To sink into his strong caress.
Alastair, in those last few months, made me feel like I had the plague. That I was disgusting to him. It would be nice to know that a man could still find me desirable.
She missed that physical connection with someone. She missed having someone in her bed in the morning. Someone to read the papers with. To talk to over a meal. She missed the comfort of sitting in the same room as another person and not even having to talk. Of sharing a good book recommendation, of watching a movie together snuggled under an old quilt and feeding each other popcorn. Coming home and not finding the house empty.
But so what? Just because she missed it, it didn’t mean she had to make it happen. No matter how much she fantasised about it. Nathan was a man. And in her experience men let you down. Especially when you needed them the most. She’d already been rejected once, when she was at her lowest, and she didn’t want to go through that again.
It was too hard.
So no matter how nice Nathan was—no matter how attractive, no matter how much she missed being held—nothing was going to happen. Today was about Anna. About donkeys and learning how to ride.
She remembered teaching Olivia. It had taken her ages to get her balance, and she’d needed a few goes at it before she’d felt confident. She hadn’t liked pulling at the reins, had been worried in case it hurt the donkey.
Thinking about the past made her think of the present. Her ex-husband, Alastair, had moved on. He’d found someone new. Was making a new family. How had he moved on so quickly? It was almost insulting. Had she meant nothing to him? Had the family they’d had meant less to him than she’d realised? Perhaps that was why he’d walked away so easily?
Everyone in the village had been shocked. Everyone. Well, she’d make sure that everyone knew she wasn’t moving on. Keeping Nathan and Anna at arm’s length was the right thing to do, despite what she was feeling inside.
She considered cancelling. Calling him and apologising. Telling him that an emergency had cropped up. But then she’d realised that if she did she would still have to meet him again at some point. It was best to get it over and done with straight away. Less dilly-dallying. Besides, she didn’t want to let Anna down. She was a good kid.
She held her house keys in her hand for a moment longer, debating with her inner conscience, and her gaze naturally strayed to a photograph of Olivia. She was standing with her head back, looking up to the sun, her eyes closed, smiling at the feel of warmth on her face. It was one of Sydney’s favourite pictures: Olivia embracing the warmth of the sun.
She always enjoyed life. Even the small things.
Sydney stepped outside and locked up the cottage. She needed to drive to Nathan’s house. The new estate and the road he lived on was about two miles away.
It was interesting to drive through the new builds. The houses were very modern, in bright brick, with cool grey slate tiles on their roofs and shiny white UPVC windows. They were uniformly identical, but she could see Nathan’s muddy jalopy parked on his driveway and she pulled in behind it, letting out a breath. Releasing her nerves.
I can do this!
She strode up to the front door, trying to look businesslike, hoping that no one could see how nervous she suddenly felt inside. She rang the bell and let out a huge breath, trying to calm her scattered nerves.
The door opened and Nathan stood there. Smiling. ‘Sydney—hi. Come on in.’ he stepped back.
Reluctant to enter his home, and therefore create feelings of intimacy, she stepped back. ‘Erm...shouldn’t we just be off? I told the owners we’d be there in ab
out ten minutes.’
‘I’m just waiting for Anna to finish getting ready. You know what young girls are like.’
She watched his cheeks colour as he realised what he’d said, and to let him off the hook decided to step in, but keeping herself as far away from him physically as she could.
‘I do...yes. Anna?’ she called up the stairs.
Sydney heard some thumps and bumps and then Anna was at the top of the stairs. ‘Hi, Sydney! I can’t decide what to wear. Could you help me? Please?’
Anna wheedled out the last word, giving the cutest face that she could.
The look was so reminiscent of Olivia that Sydney had to catch her breath.
‘Erm...’ she glanced at Nathan, who shrugged.
‘By all means...’
‘Right.’
Sydney ascended the stairs, feeling sweat break out down her spine. She turned at the top and went into Anna’s room. Her breath was taken away by how girly it was. A palace of pink. A pink feather boa hung over the mirror on a dresser, there were fairy lights around the headboard, bubblegum-coloured beanbags, a blush-pink carpet and curtains, a hammock in the corner filled with all manner of soft, cuddly toys and a patchwork quilt upon the bed.
And in front of a large pink wardrobe that had a crenelated top, like a castle, Anna stood, one hand on one hip, the other tapping her finger against her lips.
‘I’ve never ridden a donkey. Or a horse! I don’t know what would be best.’
Sydney swallowed hard as she eyed the plethora of clothes in every colour under the sun. ‘Erm...something you don’t mind getting dirty. Trousers or jeans. And a tee shirt? Maybe a jumper?’
Anna pulled out a mulberry-coloured jumper that was quite a thick knit, with cabling down the front. ‘Like this?’
Syd nodded. ‘Perfect. Trousers?’
‘I have these.’ Anna pulled a pair of jeans from a pile. They had some diamanté sequins sewn around the pockets. ‘And this?’ She pointed at the tee shirt she was already wearing.
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