by Karen Welch
“Please have Kendall bring you out again, my dear. He says you’ll be in England all summer.”
“Yes, sir. But I’m afraid I have a very full schedule. If I don’t see you again, please take care of yourself. Thank you so much for having me today.” He’d watched her tiptoe to press a kiss on his grandfather’s cheek, turning to bend over his grandmother to do the same. Her eyes were suspiciously bright, as though tears welled behind her lowered lashes.
On the brief walk to the station, she hadn’t said a word. He gave up any attempt at conversation once they were in their compartment, mutely studying the back of her head as she stared out the window. By that time, if he were honest, he’d guessed the truth and was too terrified to say anything.
Miles out into the countryside, she said softly, her face still turned from him, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Tell you?” His mouth dry as dust, he paused to try again. “Tell you what, Peg?”
In her eyes, when she finally turned to him, he read the agonizing truth, her heartache mirroring his own. Without a shred of hope that he was mistaken, he drew a ragged breath. “How could I? No one knows except for my grandparents. How could I tell you?”
“You told me everything else. Or I assume most of it. Why not tell me the whole truth?”
“First will you please tell me exactly what Granny said to you?”
She took her time, studying her hands, clasped tensely in her lap. “She said she was glad to know you had friends, both men and women, because given your circumstances, it would be a shame to cut yourself off from all companionship.” She hesitated, biting her lip to stop its trembling. “She said when you brought Jenny to meet them, she was concerned that something wasn’t quite right, but you were obviously so much in love, she’d hoped things might work out.” Pausing again, she dropped her voice to a dry whisper. “She said how tragic it was for a fine man like you to be denied the happiness of a home and family because of what happened to your poor little bride.”
“I see.”
“It’s true, isn’t it? You’re married.”
He permitted himself a bark of bitter laugher. “Yes. Married to a woman who doesn’t know me, a woman I slept with twice and who tried to kill us both. But married until death do us part.”
Without saying a word, Peg laid her hand over his. “I’m sorry. I can’t imagine having to hide something like that. I just wish you had trusted me enough to tell me.”
Without warning the carefully-maintained shell crumbled, releasing a barrage of long-pent emotions he hadn’t known were there. He blinked the tears burning his eyes, fought the sobs gripping his chest and gasped for air. “How could I tell the one girl I’d dared fall in love with that there’s no hope of ever sharing my life with her? Don’t you see that I was too selfish, too cowardly to be honest with you? I wanted you so badly, I lied to myself. I’ve gambled against time, pretending that someday Jenny will be well enough for me to get a divorce, that if I can hold onto you long enough, things might change. If I’d told you the truth, can you honestly say you would have fallen in love with me?”
Peg’s response was to hold out her arms, drawing him into an embrace so strong he let himself collapse against her. “I don’t know. I just know I did,” she whispered against the back of his neck.
He couldn’t be sure how long they stayed that way, awkwardly slumped together on the narrow seat. When the train signaled an upcoming stop, he sat up, finding his handkerchief and struggling to bring himself under control. “I’d be lying if I said I’m sorry. I’m not sorry for loving you, but I never meant for it to go so far.”
“Is that why you’ve been holding me off this time?”
He took a moment to let go of all pretense. “Three years ago, I still had hope. Jenny had shown some improvement and I latched onto the thought that soon it might be over. When I saw you, I was lost, Peg. I honestly believe I’d been waiting for you to grow up, knowing I could fall in love with you.” He smiled shakily. “You swept me off my feet. I didn’t think in two weeks we could get into too much trouble, but I was wrong.”
“But Jenny hasn’t improved?”
“No. If anything, she’s worse. The doctors have tried everything at this point, but nothing has changed.”
“What exactly is wrong with her?”
He prepared to pronounce the diagnosis, words he’d never spoken to anyone but his grandparents. “Catatonic schizophrenia. She hasn’t uttered a word in nine years.”
“Do you go to see her?”
“I used to. Every month. But then she started to become agitated around me. Now I go occasionally, but I don’t get close enough for her to see me. I just need to look at her every now and then, I suppose, to remind myself she’s real.”
“How much of what you told me before was true?”
“Everything. I simply omitted the fact that during Christmas my first year at Oxford, I ran away to Scotland with Jenny and we got married. Jenny’s five years older than I am. She said her family would never approve. I knew my mother wouldn’t either. I know it sounds absurd, but I think we were both insane at that point. Jenny challenged me in every way, emotionally, intellectually, musically. She drove me wild with desire, then held me at arm’s length saying she could never make love outside of marriage. I was young, stupid, and determined to have her. I would have done anything she asked, so when she showed me how simple it would be to elope, I couldn’t get to Scotland fast enough. By the time we’d been back in Oxford a month, I began to feel as though I’d married a stranger. Her behavior was more erratic than ever, she wouldn’t let me touch her much of the time and I had no one to turn to for help. I took her to meet my grandparents, confessing to them what we’d done because I was afraid for both of us.” His narrative at an end, he felt surprisingly relieved.
“Are you responsible for her financially?” Hardly the reaction he’d have expected, but not an odd question, given Peg’s training.
“No. Her father is her legal guardian. Grandfather made sure things were set up that way when she went into the asylum. Frankly, her father’s been very good about everything. The courts gave him full control over her affairs. I have no say in her treatment and no obligation to her financially.”
“That seems unfair. You can’t do anything for her, but you’re not free to get on with your life.”
“It’s the law. Regardless of fairness, Jenny is my wife until such time as she’s competent to agree to a divorce. And I have to accept that time is unlikely to ever come.”
She sat silently for several minutes, her face again turned to the window. Spent and numb, Kendall awaited her verdict. Now that she had all the damning facts, he felt sure it would come with swift finality.
“I’d like a little time to think about all this.” She turned back to him, her eyes dull.
Stunned, he muttered, “Of course.”
“We have so much to do this week with the wedding, but it might be best not to see each other except for that. Dad will be getting in on Wednesday. I don’t want him to suspect that anything’s wrong. You said you had things to do too?” She seemed to be thinking her way through the days ahead.
“Yes.” Hope perversely set his heart racing. “Will you be all right? I mean, if you should need anything, you know all you have to do is call?”
She smiled sadly. “I think I have to work this out on my own. If you come to my rescue, I won’t be able to think clearly. Will you be all right?”
“I’ll be worried about you. I’m the one who’s hurt you, I know, but I’m also the only one who knows what’s wrong.” He pinned her with an urgent, silent plea.
“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone. I respect the reason you’ve kept this a secret. I can imagine what your mother’s reaction would have been when you were hurt.”
“I wonder if you can. When it happened, Grandfather immediately encouraged me not to tell her. Mother would have made things so much more difficult, and she’d just started seeing Patrick.
We all hoped she’d finally get on with her life, but if she’d known about me, and especially about Jenny, she’d have found some way to make it her problem.”
She took his hand, squeezing it gently. “I’m glad I know. It wasn’t so much finding out you’re married that upset me. It was realizing you’d kept the truth from me. I thought we’d always been honest with each other.”
“I don’t expect you to forgive me. My only hope is I haven’t destroyed your faith in men. I did try to warn you I wasn’t the man for you.”
With a gaze so unwavering it sent chills down his spine, she said firmly, “I’m still not convinced that’s true. I just have to figure out where we go from here.”
Chapter Thirty-three
Kendall had never been more grateful for routine and responsibility. While part of his mind remained in turmoil, the need to meet his obligations kept him moving. Lessons, rehearsals and Reggie dominated his waking hours and if he failed to sleep at night, at least he had the next day’s duties to look forward to.
He saw Peg twice during the days leading up to the wedding, once at a dinner on Wednesday evening hosted by Reggie’s parents and then at the rehearsal on Friday afternoon. Judging by her appearance, he felt sure she was suffering as much as he was; a thought which was strangely comforting. At least she hadn’t yet decided he wasn’t worth the worry. Selfish as he knew that to be, he needed to believe they could go on caring for one another on some level. Peg now knew him better than anyone. That she hadn’t immediately condemned him on learning the truth gave him hope she might at least remain his friend.
By 10 a.m. on Saturday, when he arrived at the church sporting his rented morning coat and prepared to perform his role as best man, he was running on pure adrenaline. He’d finally composed what he hoped was a suitable toast to the bride and groom over a half-eaten breakfast, dressed with extra care lest in his sleep-deprived daze he drop a cufflink down the drain or fail to achieve a presentable knot in his tie. If his eyes were a trifle glazed and his hands less than steady, he could always say he’d been infected with the groom’s palpable wedding day jitters.
His first sight of Peg, exiting a limousine in front of the church with Adelaide and Agnes, escalated his anxieties even further, but he was determined to keep up a good front. Exquisitely decked out in now radically remodeled gowns, both Peg and Agnes were standing on the sidewalk adjusting their skirts and examining one another for flaws. Kendall was taken by the strong resemblance between the two, dressed identically down to their hairstyles. He watched as Agnes removed her glasses and tucked them in the tiny drawstring purse each girl carried. When they turned to face him, he couldn’t resist a smile.
“You both look stunning. I must say the dress shop pulled off nothing short of a miracle.” Their dresses, white with a bare minimum of pink dots and stripped of the offending ruffles except for a flutter at the shoulder and a flounce around the hem, set off each slender figure to perfection. Their hair, styled in elegant u-shaped twists at the back, sported sprays of delicate pink and white flowers in place of the detested pink hats. In the bright sunlight, they seemed to shimmer, no doubt responsible for the tears welling in his eyes as he gazed down at them.
“Kendall, is that you?” Agnes squinted and Peg laughed softly.
“Of course it’s him, Agnes. Surely you can see that far?” Taking her arm, Peg steered her cousin in the direction of the steps. “Good morning, Kendall. You look pretty good yourself. How’s the groom holding up?” If her eyes hadn’t been as dull as his own, he might have been deceived by the brightness of her tone.
“Surviving. What about the bride?”
“Maeve has never been more in her element. The center of the universe has always been her place of choice.” Lifting her skirts, Agnes clung to Peg with her other hand. “Someone please warn me if I’m headed for a wall.”
Thankful for the distraction, Kendall held the door for the two of them to pass through side by side. “Don’t tell me you’ve succumbed to vanity, Aggie?”
“Hardly. But fighting with Maeve today seemed pointless. Peg swears she can get us both through this ordeal. Mother says we could pass for twins, but I can’t see well enough to verify that.”
“You look beautiful, both of you.” Finally able to catch Peg’s eye, he thought he detected a glimmer of warmth. “You girls are supposed to wait in there, I believe.” Nodding toward a door down the corridor, he turned to Adelaide, just coming up the steps. “I thought the mother of the bride was merely a bit part. Aunt Adelaide, you’re going to steal the show in that hat.”
It was true, Adelaide, despite a few wrinkles and her graying hair, was radiant beneath the brim of a pale blue confection crowned by silver roses. “Maybe I’ll catch the bouquet and run off with the best man. What do you say, Kendall?” The sparkle in her blue eyes made him chuckle until under her breath she added, “What on earth have you done to Peg? The girl hasn’t slept a wink all week, from the look of her.”
An innocently raised brow and a shrug were the best he could manage, but he turned for a surreptitious glance in Peg’s direction. It was true, she was pale and there were darkened smudges evident beneath her eyes, despite her carefully applied makeup. Closer inspection revealed the slight droop to her shoulders, as well.
“Maeve and Michael are right behind us. How’s Reggie?” Proceeding down the hallway, linking her arm through his, Adelaide went on sotto voce. “And you don’t look much better, my dear. I do hope the two of you aren’t going to be at dagger’s point today.”
“No need to worry,” he whispered, watching until the girls had entered the door up ahead. “Just a slight misunderstanding. And to answer your question, Reggie’s a disaster. Already tossed his breakfast. I’m sure he’ll be fine once things get going.”
He had been prepared for the lengthy ceremony. Catholic weddings always seemed to go on forever and with two hundred or more people receiving the Eucharist, he knew it would last well past even the normal hour-long Mass. But as he sat just feet from Peg, distracted only by the need to nudge the groomsman next to him each time the poor chap threatened to nod off, he realized he hadn’t expected to be so affected by the service. Out of the corner of his eye, he was aware of her sitting ramrod straight, head high, beautiful, graceful, and in his view unbearably tragic. Was she thinking, as he was, that they would never have the opportunity to exchange those vows, to stand together, gazing tenderly and tentatively into one another’s eyes beneath the priest’s raised hands? Or was she reliving how he had hurt her, deceived and misused her, and planning to dismiss him from her life once their responsibilities to Maeve and Reggie were done? Her fixed expression, the frozen smile on her lips and her unseeing focus, revealed only that she was holding herself under admirable control while whatever emotions raged beneath the surface.
By the time they posed for photographs, Kendall had decided to accept his sentence, offer Peg a pledge of grateful friendship, should she graciously choose to accept it, and retreat to a life of penitent solitude. He intended to wish her every success, a man worthy of her love, and a future filled with nothing but happiness. The next three months would be a torment he knew he’d earned. His only hope was that Peg wouldn’t suffer as well. All this was circling in his mind as he arrived at Claridge’s for the reception, braced to endure the hours until he could slink away to nurse his shattered soul.
It was only when Peg took the seat next to his at the head table that he began to hope. “How are you holding up?” She hadn’t looked him in the eye, but she did lean close enough for him to catch a whiff of her perfume.
“Well enough. Just have to get through the toast and my job is done. How are you doing?”
“All right. I’ll just be glad when it’s over. Poor Agnes is threatening to run away before the dancing begins, but I told her we could count on you to take care of both of us.” Finally turning to face him, he saw the gleam in her eye, not quite a challenge but definitely defying him to. . .what? Turn her down?
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“Of course.” He cleared his throat, beating down the joy stirring in his chest. “You’d really let me dance with you?”
Her smile was sympathetic. “I’d be furious if you didn’t ask me, so I figured I’d ask you first. But you have to dance with Agnes too.”
“Of course.” He studied her for a moment, noting again how pale she was and the taut lines in her face. “Are you feeling all right? Not under the weather are you?”
“Just tired. I’ll be fine. Oh, look, here come the newlyweds. Maeve does make a beautiful bride, doesn’t she?” As they stood for the grand entrance, Kendall was aware of a camera flash in their direction, one of the photographers capturing the candid moment. He wanted a copy of that shot, the two of them standing shoulder to shoulder smiling in their wedding finery, something to remind him of their brief time together.
By two o’clock the wedding meal had been eaten, the cake cut and all the toasts made. The ceremonial first dance had been danced, Maeve waltzing with Michael, who as senior male relative acted in her father’s place. Reggie circled the floor with his mother before the wedding party joined in. Kendall did the honors with Agnes, who complained of a pounding headache after going for hours without her glasses. Peg, in the arms of Reggie’s cousin, didn’t look much happier. At the end of the dance, both girls excused themselves and he wondered briefly if they might not be planning to sneak out the back door.
“Well, shall we?” Appearing at his elbow, Peg seemed a bit shaky, but her gaze was soft and warm as she looked up questioningly.
“Of course.” Leading her onto the floor, he asked again, “Are you sure you’re feeling all right? We don’t have to dance if you’d rather sit this one out.”